The f***** up world of pregnancy after loss

Today I had another scan and an appointment with my lovely consultant. I arrived at the hospital at 8.30 am, after a night of tossing and turning, and a morning of the usual chaos plus a bit more. Lots of snapping at poor old Woody.
Baby boy was kicking away in the waiting room, for the first time I actually saw one of his kicks. I thought maybe he was trying to reassure me, but then quickly told myself to stop being so silly.
The scan was fine, the sonographer was very sweet and showed me everything in detail. She said the heart was fine, but then in my head I saw "only 25% of heart defects are found on a scan".
After the scan I made my way to the ante natal clinic. I haven't had an appt there in 14 years, and suddenly felt rather strange, I was shaking.
The receptionist heaved down this enourmous file, and oh my! That file was just mine, it was about 3 inches thick!
While waiting I could feel my face getting hot, and I texted Woody to tell him baby's heart was ok.
A chirpy midwife called me through into a little exam room, and asked me how I was which of course resulted in me crying all over her and the student midwife. Neither of them had read my notes yet, so had no idea about Florence, but once they knew treated me really nicely, and said they'd go and fetch my consultant to see me rather than make me wait in the waiting room yet again.
Dr P arrived soon after, he has a kind face and a warm handshake. He talked to me softly and thoughtfully, and we discussed a care plan for this pregnancy.My head is now spinning with medical processes and terminology and appts, and swabs, and scans....and well I should be reassured by all this care, but the truth is it terrifies me, and I just don't know what I think.
I'm used to being in control of my body, to birthing my babies my way, at home. A healthy woman birthing a healthy baby....but that's where it all gets fucked up isn't it?
At least I still get the familiarity of seeing my lovely community midwives alongside seeing Dr P.
This is all just so alien to me, and I'm so so scared for my little boy and I miss Florence, and it's just all so fucking shit.
And I've got to stop crying before I go to the children's Easter service...and shit, I still haven't bought any bloody waterproof mascara...when will I learn?

Receiving Blankets

Receiving blankets, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

I don't know how many blankets a baby needs, but I like blankets, and this fabric is so beautiful.

My head is full of babies right now, live babies, dead babies, unborn babies, about to be born babies. they are all there, and in my dreams too.

I'm really very boring to be around.

More Stripes

This time in velour stripes, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

I was on a roll yesterday, must've been that first lighter evening of the year. Whipped up this little suit, in velour stripes, with another knotty hat.
I've been a bit manic recently, mid pregnancy can be like that for me,but when I'm trying to distract myself from the demons in my head I'm extra manic.
Trying really hard right now not to worry about this weeks scan and consultant appointment. The sonographer couldn't get a good look at baby boy's heart last week, so I am booked in for another look this week.
There's no reason to suspect anything wrong,but there was no reason to expect Florence to die either, so that doesn't help me much.
I can feel him kicking about more now,but my anterior placenta muffles most of the movement.
Where's my bottle of optimism.....

Stripes

Stripe sleepsuit, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

I've just finished this little stretch sleepsuit using my blue stripe fabric I had printed at Spoonflower.
Honestly I'm not at all happy with the binding and I'm almost certainly going to either rip it off and re do it or cut the whole thing down into footed leggings...hmmmm.....

......

Anyhow, it suddenly dawned on me this morning that I forgot to draw a winner for my last give away on Friday as promised...oops! Sorry!
So, better late than never. The winner of the dress is.....

Hope's Mama

Just drop me an email to jeanette dot archer at gmail dot com with your address, and I'll get it in the post to you asap.

......

right off to do some unpicking!

***
Edit

Crappy binding ripped out, and replaced with good old fold over elastic. Not the best rescue because I had to work around the snaps I'd already attatched,but it's a darn site better than it was.
I made a little knotty hat too.

I did it!

I went to a shop, I browsed the baby items, and I even bought some things!
I've been thinking about it for a few days,I'd looked online, and talking it over with Woody this morning I got a little tearful, so he suggested I try looking at the baby things in the supermarket first of all to see if I could handle it, I looked, and bleurgh, they were horrible,(but I didn't cry) so after lunch The girls and I ventured into TK Maxx, since they often have a more interesting selection of baby clothing, including the bold sort of styles I prefer.I didn't find a perfect little outfit,but I did find a few sweet little nightgowns, and a couple of bold stripe sleepsuits without feet (I tend to have long skinny babies with big feet.)

So baby boy has some clothes bought just for him, and I did it! ( No one came over and told me to leave the store and take my dead baby germs with me either!)

Bittersweet

, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

I'm feeling rather sick having just eaten most of a large bar of Green and Blacks bittersweet cherry chocolate. I can't even decide if I like that particular flavour, but you know it was here and open....
It did occur to me that it's rather an apt chocolate treat for someone like me. The dark bitter chocolate is satisfying, and the sour/sweet cherries make me wince, but I still like their intense sweetness.
It's chocolate, but it's painful, not too indulgent.

I've just tidied up Florence's cupboard, (I guess we have to stop calling it Florence's now? ). I've taken out the few little pink things, a couple of dresses, and this little dress.



I bought this dress from a lovely little boutique in Malvern last Summer. The children had to help pull me up the steep hill to the shop, and spotting this dress I just had to buy it. I just knew we were having a girl, and the shop had a sale, so I indulged.

This little dress is now going into Florence's memory box, it's hers and always was. I imagined her wearing this on a sunny day, all her little pink limbs on show, warm in my arms.

I miss her so much, and everything she might've been.

Eight months is a long time sweetheart. Catherine wrote this the other day:

It is a very long time.
Longer than I realised.
An expanse that unfolds and unfolds continually.
Without her.

This rainbow captivated us all on Monday evening, eight months since we said Goodbye.

Slug Baby

20+6, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

So, it seems I'm having a rather uncooperative little boy!

How about another give away?

DSC_0003, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

This little dress was unfinished and forlorn,(part of the re drafting process for Flossie's Pinafore.) but I hastily* added some bias trim and a few buttons, and now I have no use for it.
I'm guessing someone out there might have use for it, so time for another give away I think.

It's sized to fit approx 18mth to 2 years, fastens at the back with buttons. Looks cute over a long sleeved tee, with tights, leggings or jeans.

Just leave me a comment and I'll use random.org to draw a winner on Friday. Offer open world wide.

* When I say hastily, I mean it's serviceable, but I wouldn't say I took as much care over my stitching as I would for something I might sell or gift.

Distraction

DSC_0011, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

My lovely friend Mary emailed me last week and suggested I take part in a particular project, that for now at least I don't want to mention in any more detail...I probably will soon enough, I'm rubbish at secret keeping!
I wasn't sure at first, Mary has more faith in me than I do myself, but I thought I could do with the distraction right now...20 week anomoly scan looming, hense the rather hyper me posting nonsense three times a day, sorry 'bout that!
Anyway, back to the point. These little dresses are what's been distracting me, and no doubt still will for a few more days at least.
What started out as an abandoned pattern, is now (I think) a sweet little pattern that I do like and one I'm going to work on some more.
I'm calling it Flossie's Pinafore. I can't really imagine Florence being big enough to wear one, but as it's the only work that's really inspired me in a long while, I thought I'd name it in her honour.

Coming Home

Smock and trousers, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

My last three babies were born at home, so I've never needed a coming home outfit for them. This little baby will be born in hospital and Oh how I hope he/she'll be coming home.



Maybe I should've waited to make this outfit. Maybe until after the anomoly scan, until we know baby is ok, or until we know the gender. Or maybe I shouldn't have made anything at all.
I like to make, it's what I do, it's when I feel most calm, it keeps these too empty hands busy.



I don't regret making any of the little things I made for Florence, but I know if this baby can't come home with us, I will regret it if I never made anything.

Random Stuff

I've been awake since 4am. I heard Woody going to the bathroom, and disturbed from a dream I was having about a range of beautiful children's dresses, including construction detail, I thought I should jump out of bed and draw some of those dresses. Woody talked me out of it.
Lying there, thinking though, and remembering each detail I realised actually some of the designs were a bit silly...though not all.

....

Today I drove my car! I drove to B&Q and bought some flowers, some for the front garden, and some for next to Florence's stone in our garden. I hate driving, my heart pounds, my palms sweat, and I just hate it. Woody drove home via a larger B&Q and we bought a new hoover. This one actually picks up thread off my Velcro like bedroom carpet, and it sucked out all the fluff from my overlocker in a few seconds, and on top of all that it has a smiley face, and a name!

....

The post arrived. Last week I finally filled in the form to receive Florence's death certificate. Sometimes I can do that stuff, and sometimes, like last week I find myself sobbing and trying hard not to let my tears stain the paper.The certificate arrived today. Our baby girl, a simple official form, her name, our names...she was real wasn't she? She did exist?
Why am I asking? I knew her, I knew her kicks and wriggles. I held her in my arms.
Now I'll file away this paper with all the others.

....

Just random stuff.

Another Smock

Another smock, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

This time I remembered the sleeves, and I'm happier with the pattern placement, and the construction...though there's always room for improvement.

A Simple Spring Scarf

A Simple Spring Scarf, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

To match my new coat when it arrives.

Bump Camouflage

Spring has finally sprung, there are little flowers popping up in the garden, and the past two days have been warm. Too warm to hide away in my big maternity coat and woolly scarf.
Today I felt positively light headed on my way home from school,but I'm not ready to give up my safety blanket of coat and scarf either, so I've just ordered myself a lovely new coat from Boden.



I'll need a nice light scarf to wear with it I think, so might go fabric hunting in my stash later....Oh the Anna Maria Voiles would make a lovely scarf.....


Weird day today, it's Angus' birthday, my sweet beatiful blue eyed baby boy is 8, I can't quite believe it. we are celebrating tonight with italian food and chocolate cake.



I'm also 20 weeks pregnant with this little rainbow baby. Half way or thereabouts. I guess I should be happy about that, and I am, especially now this little one is wriggling about a bit more.

An Accidental Make

An accidental make, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

I've been working on something else this week, drafting and re drafting a pattern for a baby/toddler dress for a secret project. I got to a point where I needed some haberdashery supplies, and being the great big wuss I am I decided I'd rather start on something else than actually get in my car and (eeek!) drive to the store to buy supplies.

So I started work on this little newborn baby smock, but clearly my brain was still in dress mode, because I completely forgot to put in the sleeves on the smock! Still, it's quite cute anyway, and I am expecting a summer baby...plus, I have enough fabric left to make one with sleeves.

The voile sews up lovely too, I used french seams, and pondered a rolled hem, which although would work well on this fabric I decided against, because I prefer a proper hem.

Oh yes, and it fastens on the shoulders with little buttons.

And a little knotty hat

And a little knotty hat, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

Now there are two.

A pair, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

Made using this pattern, and leftover Debbie Bliss Baby Cashmerino.

Oh yes, and check out Anna Maria's blog for the full low down on her voiles. I so so want more of these.

More Treats

More treats, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

These gorgeous fabrics arrived yesterday, and I'm in love. These are the Voiles from Anna Maria Horner, and nothing I had read about how lovely they are had prepared me for their gorgeousness. They are so soft, light and tactile. I wish I'd ordered more, and even prefer them to my usual summer faves, Liberty Tana Lawn.
The blue dobby is destined to be newborn trousers, and the print a little smock style top.
They should go perfectly with the cardigan I finished the other day and these bootees...well when I've knitted the matching one.



Hopefully, a coming home outfit for baby.
( This is where I want to add in all the doom and gloom stuff that spins round in my head, but I wont, I'll be a good girl ..)

Treated Myself

Blankets?, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

After a huge de clutter of my fabric supplies the other week, I decided to treat myself to just a few yards of some fabrics I'd had my eye on for some time.
This is one of them. Three yards of Anna Maria Horners Folksy Flannel, Forest Hills in Moonlight. I love these colours, and look how well they go with the blanket I've been working on for baby.
This fabric will be a receiving blanket, and possibly more,I haven't decided yet.
I'm not finding it easy to balance my need to prepare for this baby, with my fears for this baby.
Part of me so wants to let go of the pain, and fear and enjoy the process of sewing and knitting sweet baby things, while another part of me is paralysed with fear.
I know doing these things can't kill my baby, but I also know I have a cupboard downstairs stuffed full of all the baby things I prepared for Florence.
So, I tell myself, this baby deserves things made just for him (or her!), and even if I'm just being practical, this baby will need at least one outfit and one blanket...
I wish it wasn't so hard.

First Cardigan

First Cardigan, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

Hmmm, this feels weird. I didn't expect to finish this quite so quickly. I've wrapped it and hidden it away for now.

Louise Cardigan from Vintage Baby Knits by Kristen Rengren. I used Debbie Bliss Cashmerino DK.

Blankets

Blankets, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

It's been a while since I've made any blankets for my local hospital bereavement suite. these are double sided minkee/flannel or minkee/knit.I'm trying to get a package together for next time I visit the hospital. Next on my list are burial pouches for the really tiny ones.
Tiny hats too, they knit up in no time.

Hope

DSC_0002, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

In every stitch.....

Never Enough

Florence, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

When Florence was born Woody grabbed the camera from the shelf and hastily took a few shots of her . Four in all, grainy hastily taken photos in poor light. The only four photos of her alive.
Later in hospital, the midwives suggested they take some more of the three of us. We were not sure at the time, after all we had four precious shots at home of her alive. The midwives took five more photos, you can clearly see the tears in our eyes on those photos.
When we took the children into the hospital to see Florence that evening,I grabbed my camera as we headed out. I took as many shots as I could of the children with their baby sister. I didn't really consider lighting or composition, and I was worrying over Florence's delicate body. Her lungs were at that point saturated with blood, and the slightest movement would cause her to bleed out through her nose.

So we have perhaps twenty photos of her, some no one outside of us have ever seen, though to us she's beautiful on every one.We know to others she may not be.

Twenty or so photos is just not enough, a thousand photos would never be enough,but I wish we'd taken more.

After seeing Sally's beautiful necklace in a recent post by her, I showed it to Woody, and he has ordered a similar one for me for Mothers Day (14th March here in the UK). I had to choose two photos for it and I wished I had more to choose from. I could never tire of looking at her, not ever.

Bounty, and I should know better

Here in the UK, pregnant and new Mums are given Bounty Packs at various stages during pregnancy and after birth. They are really a marketing excercise, lots of big companies pay to have their products in each pack, and hopefully the new Mum will be hooked for life, but for lots of Mums it's quite exciting to get your big bag or box of freebies.
I quite enjoyed claiming my packs when India was small,but never bothered after that because I knew most of the products included were things I wouldn't use anyway.
Fast forward to now, and my curiosity got the better of me, so I filled in the form (Oh dear cue junk mail for the rest of my life!), and sent Woody off to Boots to claim my "Mum To Be Essentials" pack. I thought maybe there might be some sample sized bits and pieces useful for my hospital bag, maybe a breast pad or two, or some antibacterial gel.
I ripped open the bag, and found a bib, a spoon, some perfumed washing powder.....and a guide on caring for your baby now she's six months old!
The lady in the shop had given Woody the 6+ months bag, not the Mum To Be bag. So I have the bag I should be getting right about now for Florence...sheeesh, I should've known better!

This looks like a much better bet.