Fabric Delivery

, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

The teal colourway of my buddies fabric arrived today, and I'm really happy with the way it's turned out. I had it printed on the organic interlock which is so soft. I'm wondering if it's too girly to make pj's for Ernest with. Maybe if I combine it with a stripe/solid...hmm something to ponder on.

I also received a sample of my cut and sew Flossie's Pinafore, and it looks pretty good. Hoping I'll have time to sew that up tomorrow.





We've had a little sort out here and taken down the bedside crib. Ernest has never slept in it for more than the very occasional nap, and it was really just a home for the pump, my knitting and various notebooks, pens and cups of tea.
I had to dig out the old and much used bed guard which though perfectly functional was looking rather sad.



So I made a little slip cover for it, it's quite pretty now.

PS, you can buy the teal Buddies fabric from spoonflower, just click here.

I like finishing things.

, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

A hat!
OK, so it's not going to fit for long, but honestly I'm done with this one. My first attempt was waaaay too small, my second I messed up on the decreases, and finally this is complete (with mistakes), but I'm sooo ready to start something else that I'm going to live with the imperfections, even though I know they will drive me bonkers!





Made using this pattern.

I also finished some dribble bibs. I've always scoffed at this style of bib,but I've never had such a drooly baby before, and apparently this style works well.

Some Stitching

, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

Not much, but Ernest has actually napped this week, which meant I've got through a fraction of the piles of sewing on my desk.
Some boring essentials, but it's still sewing. Nappy wraps, some for Ernest and some ikkle ones for an expectant friend.
Lack of sleep has taken it's toll though, I made a few silly mistakes, but they'll do the job, and I guess that's all that really matters.

Still Pumping

Last week we "celebrated" reaching six months of "booby in a bottle". I'll be honest and say it felt good to reach one of my goals, I'm glad I can at least provide breastmilk for Ernest, even if it is in a bottle.

I've become accustomed recently to making the best of things, for being thankful for what I do have, but oh how I long to breastfeed.

I remember being pregnant with India, and knowing I would breastfeed, despite not being breastfed myself, and only ever seeing one other woman breastfeed while I was growing up. She was a hippy friend of my mother's, and everyone said how strange it was that she was still breastfeeding a toddler. I thought it looked wonderful.
I was lucky, breastfeeding India was easy, not without tears, and a bout of mastitis, but easy, and so it was with Eden,Angus and Sid. By the time Florence was born I had been pregnant and/or breastfeeding for 13 years.

Florence didn't breastfeed. I wished she had.

I remember as I held her in the hospital telling the midwife I wanted to donate her milk. They offered me drugs to dry up the milk, and I reeled in shock. My baby couldn't have my milk, but I needed to see it,to know I was a mother of a newborn, and I hadn't imagined it all.

I donated my breastmilk for six weeks before it dried up, and while I know and understand that for many many bereaved mothers that would not be an option, it was right for me.

In those early days I would bargain with the universe to let me have Florence back, I would say "even if I've missed her life up until now", "even if I can't breastfeed"...."please I just want her back."

There was no question, Ernest would be breastfed, but that hasn't worked out despite our best efforts, and believe me it's been an effort.
I've only just stopped crying every day for the loss of our breastfeeding relationship. I'm only just getting into a rhythm with this new way of mothering.
I don't think of myself as a breastfeeding mother, my baby has breastmilk provided by me, but he's missing out on so much more.
There have been so many times he's needed comfort and all I've been able to offer is my arms, because the breast is not a place of comfort for him, it was painful for him to try and breastfeed, and I'm afraid this mother's breast has not been a happy place.

I found this photo on my phone,taken back in August, Ernest trying to breastfeed.


I was forwarded this wonderful blog post recently, it made me sob with recognition.

I haven't been trying Ernest at the breast very often at all over the past few weeks. I hate that I haven't,but also I recognise that I'm calmer and more able to enjoy our time together. Ernest's babyhood was whizzing by in a fog of pumping,feeding,washing,sterilising,trying nipple shields,biological nurturing,nursing weekends,finger feeding....stress stress stress. (Not to mention grieving mother, and four older kids who need me too.)

The breathing space has been welcome, Ernest and I do have lovely skin to skin times, we co sleep, we babywear, we shower together, and he is always with me, maybe it's not too late, maybe he'll try to breastfeed one of these days, but I'm also much more accepting of the fact that maybe he never will breastfeed.
I'm still bargaining with the universe, "just a comfort feed at bedtime", or "please let me be able to provide milk for him until he's two."

I don't take anything for granted anymore, and I don't expect anything from the Universe, except maybe another kick in the teeth,so we'll do what we've been doing for the past eighteen months, we'll keep on keeping on, and I'll try not to feel like I've failed.

Balance

, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

It's only a couple of weeks into the new year, and my kinda half resolution was to try and be a better friend*,and not shy away from social situations. I'm doing ok, not great, but ok. I even went on a Mums (from school) night out last Friday, that was weird,but not horrible.
The truth is, that unless I push myself I'm more comfortable just being at home with Ernest, spending our days gently while the big ones are at school and Woody is at work.
I know though that being home alone every day can also be a little bit reality altering, it's too easy to get sucked into negative thinking sometimes.


The January light here in the North West is so very grey, a cold unforgiving grey that makes everything look so dreary.
These tulips are at least a little brightness .



I've been thinking about redecorating.After Florence died I honestly couldn't care less how the house looked, and little jobs that normally would be taken care of haven't been, and looking around, especially in this cold grey light I can see how much Woody and I have neglected our home.

Grief's cold fingers reach out into every aspect of life.

* I think there might be one or two friends reading this and rolling their eyes. I'm sorry, I'm trying, honestly. x

It was just a little cardigan

Weekends in a large family can be fun, but most often I'm afraid to admit, I allow them to disintegrate into two days of cleaning, laundry and preparing for the week ahead. I should try to remember to have more fun at weekends, even if it's only a stroll to the park.
On Sunday in my mad dash around the house, trying and failing to create order, and only managing to annoy myself, I spotted a little multicoloured ball of fluff on the laundry airer. Somehow one of Ernest's little cardigans had got mixed up in the regular laundry and had felted and shrunk into a tightly wadded mass.At first I was cross, and I yelled, and then the frustration turned to ugly angry gulping sobs that shook my whole body and I lay on the bathroom floor (against the door so no one could come in)trying to stop them, but to no avail.
The cardigan was one I knitted for Florence, I told myself that was why I was crying, but I'm not sure that was it at all.

I'm not an angry person, neither is Woody, and I don't think either of us have been angry about Florence's death.Yeah, sure we've had flashes of annoyance, been faced with some stupid comments, some ignorance, but we've neither of us got really steaming mad.
There's no one to get mad at. We had excellent care before, during and after Florence's birth, and even the coroner who let us down on a few points hasn't made us angry, not really truly angry.

I was frightened by my reaction on Sunday. Lately I've been having dreams where I am hitting out at someone/something unknown.

I guess there is some anger there.
I guess if I really push myself I can admit that actually ,yes I am angry. I'm angry that other people get to keep their children, I'm jealous...but even as I type those words, I'm reasoning myself out of the feeling. After all it does no good.
And so I pull myself together again, just like I did on Sunday. I stifle the sobs that threaten to never stop if I allow then free rein, and I carry on.
There's nothing else to do, and it's what's expected, after all it's been almost 18 months and I have my beautiful Ernest sleeping against my chest. I should just be grateful.

Meanwhile, (and this is probably the kind of anecdote most people want to read on here.)browsing through a children's catalogue this morning, (I like looking at pretty pictures) I spotted little Beatrice Bunny sitting atop a pile of bedding. Little Beatrice who guarded Florence's grave, who was almost stolen away for good by dogs, but brought home and washed and now sits in Florence's memory box.
She's just a little toy, thousands of them exist I'm sure, but seeing her there in the catalogue made me think of Florence, and made me smile.



I want my little girl here. I don't want her bunny in a memory box, but dragging behind her, clasped by the ears in her chubby little hands....it just is so fucking shit.

They Were Still Born

I've just added my review to Amazon.co.uk
This is a lovely book, I can highly recommend it.

This Week

, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

I have been reading.
I've been socialising.(something that lately doesn't come easily)
I've been taking photos.



Treating myself to new yarn.



Making lists and dreaming.

x

Recent Give Aways

I discovered today that my twenty five days of give aways ornament has probably got lost in the post, I know my ornament swap ornament arrived, but now I'm worried that the other ornaments I posted at the same time never made it either. So if anyone who was expecting an ornament from me hasn't yet received it, please contact me jeanette dot archer at gmail dot com and I'll see what I can do.

x

Sometimes...

...it's the silly little things like stumbling across this that just knock the wind out of me.

Hiding From Failure

There just are not enough hours in the day, I knew that when I signed up for the sketchbook project,and with only five days to go before the postal deadline,and a packed week ahead of me,and a very empty sketchbook, it's not looking good.
Maybe there will be a miracle, maybe Ernest will start taking hour long naps during the day,maybe he'll finally decide my nipple does not taste of sour lemon,and will breastfeed so that I don't have to pump seven times a day, maybe the laundry will sort,wash,dry and iron itself, and maybe my children will stop leaving dirty socks, sweet wrappers,toast crusts,empty cups all around the house.....but that's all just excuses, If I really wanted to get the project completed on time,I'd have done it,and I haven't,so big fat FAIL to me.

Just to try and console myself, I haven't been totally unproductive this weekend. I've updated and uploaded some fabric designs to Spoonflower, including this new colourway of my Buddies design, and some Flossies Garden designs.



I've also tried playing with my camera, and finally been brave enough to switch off "auto", I'm pretty happy with the results.



Oh, and I've had a house full of giggly girls over for Eden's 12th birthday, and been out for lunch with my family, that's more important than a sketchbook project isn't it?

More photos

, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

I'm really enjoying the 365 project. I think it's interesting how the photo I invariably end up using isn't the one I had in mind at the beginning of the day. I'm taking a lot more photos than usual, and I'm considering each one more than I would normally.
There's so much I don't know about my camera, and I admit I tend to only ever use it in auto with the flash off, I'm too scared to try manual, but maybe this project will give me that push.

Some photos that didn't make it today.

We are still pumping.


This lovely ornament arrived today from Jenn, thank you. x

Cures for a grey rainy day...

, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

New shoes, (impossible to walk in), and kitchen experiments with my boys.

I don't want to steal your baby!

I don't want to steal your baby, I have never wanted to steal any one's baby. My daughter is not replaceable, she died in my arms, and all I've ever wanted is her.
Of all the many baby loss parents I have met in real life and over the web, I have never known any of them crave anything more than to hold their own baby.
In fact, for many many of us bereaved parents the thought of holding or even sometimes just seeing and hearing any other babies is terrifying.

And so, writers of a certain dreary soap opera, thank you. Thank you for perpetuating the myth of the crazed bereaved mother, for keeping baby death the taboo it already is, and for causing parents already suffering more than you clearly can understand, more heartache.

No, I don't watch your horrible programme, but I live in a world where millions do, and I have to stand in the school playground, the supermarket, at toddler groups, I listen to the radio, I watch tv, and I read parenting forums, all discussing this plot line. All drawing their own conclusions based on misinformation.

I just hope you never have to suffer the pain of burying your child.

A photo and a winner.

So, I've signed up with 365 Project, maybe taking a photo every day will force me to take better photos, I hope so.

Oh and a winner for my NYE give away....Congratulations commenter number 2, Melissa. I have no problems posting to Iowa.
(winner picked using random.org.)