Housekeeping

The children are on school hoidays, and Woody has a few days off work, so we've been busy busy busy reorganising furniture, and attempting to catch up with the endless to do lists that come with a large family and an old house.
Another trip to B&Q beckons this morning!

I've got loads of sewing to be getting on with over the next few weeks, and having now moved my machines downstairs I might actually get some done. I can't work upstairs with Ernest under my feet, it's too cramped and dangerous. So my sewing desk is now our computer desk, and our computer desk is now my sewing desk downstairs.

I'm also getting my needles out to start knitting the lovely "Ernest" gansey in the latest edition of The Knitter Magazine. The very talented, Caroline designed it and named it after my Ernest, so I absolutely have to knit it up.

I've been having a tidy up around the blog too,some people may have noticed that my freebie pattern links down there on the left had stopped working, that's all fixed now, but let me know if you still have any problems.

I've also added some of my free patterns to Patternspot a great new site with lots of patterns ready to download. (And if you've used one of my freebies and want to leave me a review on the site, I'd be super happy.)

And because I can't possibly have a blog post without a photo, here are India and Ernest sharing a new game of peepo!

Right Where I Am Project ..22 months and 5 days.

Thanks to Angie for initiating this project. Read more here.

***

Twenty Two months and five days.



I miss her.
I think of her a million times a day, I'm still half expecting her to come back to me.I still can't quite grasp that forever is forever.
I'm heartbroken.

That's the bare bones of it, but that's not everything.

Mostly it's a good life, Woody and the children anchor me to this life, and there is joy,pure joy. Not something I ever thought there could be again.


"The deeper sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain."
Kahlil Gibran

I remember reading these words on the blog of a friend shortly after Florence died, and another friend reminded me of them again recently. As time goes by they have more and more meaning.

What I've come to realise lately is that there will always be good days and bad days. I will always miss her, my grief for her will always be a part of me, just as my love for her is.

There will always be unexpected triggers in my daily life, but these days they don't always make me cry, sometimes I can smile.

A sunbeam will prompt me to whisper "Is that you love?" and I might feel a moment of warmth.

I feel her with me, so much so, that I'm baffled when others don't see her. Walking to school with the boys, she's there toddling along beside me. In the evenings as I snuggle Ernest down to sleep, I can imagine her lying right there with us, or lately toddling off to the garden with Woody to say goodnight to the chickens.

Yesterday, Woody and I took the boys out to an aquarium for the day. The girls were at school. We felt very strange with just three children with us, but at the same time, it was nice to do something with just the boys.
And then my eye catches a little girl in the cafe, about two years old, her wisps of wavy hair pinned back from her eyes, holding on to her Daddy's hand, and waving to the fish....it's a kick in the guts...she's missing.
Just moments later, another little girl, this time in a wheelchair, severely disabled, her Daddy showing her some little toys from the gift shop, and I feel like the universe is forcing me to see that I don't know what I'm missing. Had Florence survived would that be her life? We'll never know.

Forever is forever, and we'll never know why. We'll never know why her lungs filled with blood and not air. Why she had to leave us....

Damn! I wanted to write something hopeful for those finding their way here soon after their losses, and here I am heading down that same pathway, the one I've gone over and over a million times.

It's complicated this life without her, sometimes I feel there are shadows of myself in different lives, all stemming back to 22nd July 2009. There is a huge part of me still there, willing her to live, hoping for a different outcome, and then I'm here. I see a different me in the mirror, an older, darker, sadder me.

I just miss her. x

Where I can be found most days.

Fave part of the garden, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

This is my favourite spot lately. I'm often found chatting to the hens, but then so is everyone else. One thing for sure is, they wont get lonely!







I will get some sewing done soon hopefully!

Please Vote

The lovely Merry has been nominated for a fabulous blog award. Please do pop over and vote for her.
I'm partly wanting you to vote for selfish reasons, cos I want to see a babyloss blogger win an award, but mostly because Merry is a wonderful woman, with a great blog and she deserves a little bit of sunshine.

Meet My Girls!!

Erica, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

Muriel, Cleo and Erica, our chickens. Erica (above) is posing for you!
I've had a frantically busy busy busy weekend, with Eden's cheerleading competition yesterday, and today I was at a chicken keeping course, and brought home our new girls.

Muriel and Erica.



Erica and Cleo


They are settling in to their new home.


They are not quite ready to lay, but will be soon. I'm very fond of them already, I think we all are.

A little pressie to myself

Untitled, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

I spotted this platter in the window of my local charity shop the other day, but the price tag was rather high at £5, so I left it to think about it, telling myself if it was still there by today then it was obviously meant to come home with me.
I spose at least the £5 went to a good cause.

Plapple Jam

"It's a happy life, but someone is missing. It's a happy life, and someone is missing."

....Elizabeth McCracken, An Exact Replica Of a Figment Of My Imagination.


Most days I guess this is just how it is, today was one of those days. One of those busy days, with too much to do, too much to think about and a deadline to keep, but I still decided to make jam, having never made it before, but reluctant to throw out perfectly good (if a little past it's best) fruit that no one was willing to eat.

I chucked some chopped plums and apples into a pan.



Added rather a lot of sugar.



Left it bubbling away.



And ta da!! Jam!





Angus named it Plapple Jam (Plum and Apple), and the children each made a label.





It was loud, and busy, and chaotic, and fun, ....and she was missing x