Half term has been hectic, though I couldn't really tell you what we've done, all I know is it's been busy, lots of children coming and going,while I've had a snotty baby stuck like glue (or snot) most of the week.
I have done a little sewing here and there too.
Oh yes, and check out my other blog for the winner of my last give away.
After yesterday's outburst, I'm feeling a little sheepish this morning, but very very thankful for all your kind and thoughtful comments. (always!)
It's half term here, and I'm hoping a rest, or rather a change of routine will shed a different light on things, but when the children are back to school in a weeks time, I'm going to screw up all my courage and seek help, if I don't you each have permission to boot me hard in the direction of my gp surgery!
I've not been idle this week, I've several projects on the go,but I've finished another little vest for Ernest, using the same Pickles pattern as before, and some beautiful yarn I was gifted just after Ernest was born.
Oh yes, and check out my other blog there's a Flossie's Garden give away.
There is a fine line between grief and depression, I know from experience. My Dad died suddenly in his early forties while my brothers and I were at school.I was a month off my 18th birthday, my brothers were 16 and 15. My Mum was widowed at 35. None of us coped terribly well, but that's a whole other story.
I remember sitting in the hospital after Florence died, holding her in my arms and telling Woody I couldn't do grief again. I don't know if he remembers that or not.
For some months now I've been stepping carefully along that fine line, keeping, or so I thought, just this side of depression.
After Ernest was born, and I met our health visitor for the first time, before anyone had a chance to brief her on our history. I explained about Florence, ignored the head tilt, and tried to ignore the little alarm bells going off in her head. I vehemently denied I was a candidate for post natal depression. I had PND with Eden, I knew what it was, and it wasn't the same as grief. I reassured her, I would know if I was depressed, and I thought I would.
Am I now? I don't know.
I'm physically and emotionally exhausted, but show me a Mum of a baby that isn't?
I'm managing my anxiety better, the flashbacks are less frequent.
My house is as clean as you might expect, the children, are fed, and clean, and loved.
I shower, put on make up, blow dry my hair.
I make things.
To a casual observer I'm fine, I even smile and laugh, make eye contact and small talk....
....but inside I'm hollow, and I cry. I cry every day. Sometimes silent weeping, sometimes howling breathless sobbing. Mostly I cry in secret, when Woody is at work and the big ones are at school. I cry when I'm busy, and when I'm still...is that normal?
I admitted my secret crying to Woody the other day, a first step maybe? a first step to what though? Getting better? I'll never be better, I don't want to be. I have so very little of Florence, that this pain sometimes feels like the only connection.
I suppose I know I need to seek some professional help, but I'm not quite brave enough yet. I'm so terribly afraid of a diagnosis. I don't want to hear "post natal depression" , it seems too trivial to fit (And i know PND is not trivial at all, I've been there.). I want to hear "heartbroken", because that's what I am, even that phrase I hate so much, mentioned by my lovely friend in the early days, "complicated grief" would suit me better. (sorry K, you know I love you.)
But you see, I'm fine really. I'm crying now, but I'll dry my tears,re apply my mascara and head out to school. I'll smile and wave at the lollipop lady, I'll buy treats on the way home, then come home and hoover the floor, do the laundry...I'm fine.
But the simple truth? I miss her.x
I finished making up the little pinnie from my cut and sew fabric, and the fabric panel is now available to buy from Spoonflower.
A few more details on my Flossies Garden blog.
Don't forget you can always make a Flossie's Pinafore in your own fabrics using the free pattern over there in my side bar. I know lots of people already have, and it warms my heart to see the photos of the finished dresses
You can see some here, and here.
I shared this photo on my 365 project yesterday, and also uploaded it to my flickr account, and now I'm sharing it here.
I was actually shaking when I uploaded it to my 365 project. I felt sick. I haven't allowed any photos of Ernest feeding from a bottle. In fact Woody got quite cross with me at Christmas when I suggested he tell his mother (who takes 100's of unflattering candid shots)no photos with a bottle in shot.
Yesterday though, I was feeding Ernest and we were having a lovely snuggly time, so I allowed India to take this photo.
Honestly I still have mixed feelings about it.
I just thought that Ernest deserved a photo to look back on and see he was fed with love, and perhaps one day I'll be able to look at this photo and not feel shame, but just remember our times together on the rocking chair.
Sometimes what's really needed is a cuppa with a friend, a packet of jaffa cakes and a good cry. Thank you L. x
It's a shame I didn't have this lovely coffee set in time for our cuppa this morning.My charity shop treat, and it goes beautifully with the cake stand I inherited from my grandad.
I don't drink coffee, but I think I could use this set for tea, or maybe hot chocolate!
Meanwhile, it looks pretty on my dresser.
Finished this little vest last night, a lovely fast knit,and practical too.
I used this lovely pattern.