She's just not important to most people, not relevant, they don't need to know she even existed. It doesn't matter to those who ask about my family that I have five or six children, both are big numbers, both raise an eyebrow, but the dead daughter makes people shudder, and shift uncomfortably in their shoes, so I don't always mention her.
It doesn't really matter, except it does, because each time my heart breaks. My beautiful girl, my beautiful beautiful longed for, loved little girl, and she's just not relevant, not worth mentioning.
She was 9lbs, 3 1/2 ounces, she had a little red/brown hair, and long fingers and toes just like me. She had big feet and a round tummy.I think her eyes were blue....she is so so relevant, and I love her, I miss her with every fibre of my being, and I have to keep it in, speak the right words at official meetings, not upset anyone, but I want to scream, and cry and yell.
I want to say "yes, Sid is a reserved little boy, and yes he always was, but he's thinking thinking all the time. And did you know he held his baby sister in his arms after she died? Did you know, my beautiful boy who doesn't say much came to me the other day to tell me he knew why his sister died? He wanted to go and tell the doctors, it was because her heart stopped. He thought he had the answer"
I don't say that though, I say yes he's a quiet little guy, yes his writing is coming on, and his maths too.."
And anyway I don't want to scare his lovely new young teacher with stories of dead children, I don't want her to think I'm that strange woman who relates eveything back to her dead daughter...

....You need to say "Sod it" to the housework, and the to do list, put on your wellies and head for the woods. Which is exactly what we did this afternoon.
We went on one of our fave walks in Styal, Quarry Bank Mill. The walk is just long enough to run off boy energy, and get everyone refreshed.
Yep, I've still got an untidy house, but it was worth it.

Clearing out my Etsy store ready for new stock, and all pinafores are now reduced to clear. Some, like this one are half price with free shipping in the UK, so grab a bargain while they are there!
x

Click on the linkie in my side bar. x

As my real life friends know only too well, my lounge has been in dire need of face lift for some time, and this weekend I finally made a start on the long list of "to dos".
I started with the blinds. These blinds have been upcycled so many times now, I think I might deserve some sort of recyclers award!
They started life as curtains twelve years ago when we moved here.
We moved from a two up two down terrace, with tiny windows, so were not prepared for large bay windows, and the previous owners had taken the curtains with them.
We bought the only pair of ready made curtains we could find that fitted our non standard sized window. The only pair we could afford at the time, and in a hurry. They were honestly a bit blah!
Soon realising that we were not going to be able to afford full length and generously gathered curtains for this window, I decided to make the curtains into roman blinds.
We lived with those until about six years ago when I re covered them with teal and brown silk.
And now, I've removed the teal and brown silk, replaced the cords, and any broken rings, and re covered this time with Joel Dewberry fabric and dupion silk.
So, four incarnations from one set of boring high street curtains, that's pretty impressive "make do and mending" I think!

After reading Angie's idea for video blogging,here I knew I wanted to take part, but I was also terrified, actually still am. My video is uploading as I type (I hope!) and I think I might have to just add it, grit my teeth and press publish before I change my mind.
Just quickly going through the video on my camera, I wish I'd chosen a better angle/better lighting, but vain as I am, I can't read through it again simply for my vanity, so you get the tired looking drained me ...sorry!



And you know something, seeing these words spoken by me, with my things around me, I still can't quite believe that yes, my daughter died.

I love a good cup of tea, I'm addicted to the stuff. I probably drink around 8 cups a day, well mugs really, giant comforting mugs of tea.My Mum will deny it, but I was given tea in a bottle as a baby...with planty of sugar in!!
This advertisement for tea has caught my eye recently, each time it appears on tv I'm captivated, it's only an advert for tea, but to me as a babylost Mama it tells another story.

I've never been very good at making dolls, my attempt today to make the little doll from Anna Maria Horner's book , Handmade Beginnings, was nothing short of a disaster. I shoved the poor lumpy bumpy strangely alien looking baby in the bag of toy stuffing , but Ernest fished her out, exclaimed "Teddy", gave her a kiss and toddled off with her!

Tonight we are remembering...

Sarah,Beth,Oliver,Charlotte,Freddie,Hope,Cullen,Emma,Peyton,Evel,Calypso,Henry,Lucia,
Margot,Joseph,Reid,Henry,Georgina,Iris,Ava,Micah,Teddy,Sophia and Ellie,Haloumi,Silas,Emma and Chase,Aquila,Isabella,Maddy,Ferdinand,Angel Mae,George,Olivia,Hannah,Micheal and an angel,Isabelle,Ellie,Emily Grace and Chloe Anne,India and her angel siblings,Erin, Elias,Henry Suzy and Cosmo, Jacob,James,Ryan,Alice, Christian,Lesley,Harvey,Meredith and of course our beautiful Florence Violet.
and there are more, so many more, too many more...








If I've missed your baby from the list above give me a prod and I'll add them, similarly if I've included your baby and you'd rather I hadn't just mail me and I'll sort it

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day across the world. We would like to invite you to take part in the global 'Wave of Light'. Simply light a candle at 7pm and leave it burning for at least 1 hour to join us in remembering all babies that have died during pregnancy, at, during or after birth.
This can be done individually or in a group, at home or in a communal space. Wherever you do this, you will be joining a global wave of light in memory of all the babies who lit up our lives for such a short time.
www.babyloss-awareness.org

I'm really struggling with priorities at the moment. I seem to be involved in several different projects all at once on top of the general mumming of five lively children, which really is a full time job on it's own, and obviously my family are my number one priority.
My mind skips about from one barely finished, or in some cases barely started project to another, and I long for some peace, a moment to sit and read something other than the speed reading of an email or forum post. I dream of sitting feet up in my jammies with a cuppa and watching an old movie without any disturbances,(except maybe a cuddle or two) or having time to finally cast on that sweater for Ernest...
My sweet beautiful full of life Ernest, who is the busiest of all of my children, even Eden. I remember feeling Florence tumbling about in my belly and thinking how she'd be the busy one, a gymnast like Eden, never still.
Ernest though, he climbs,he climbs bookshelves, he climbs over the backs of chairs, he climbs the stairs,onto steps and into the sink....he's even wriggly when he sleeps.



He managed to pull my pump over the other day and snap off some fairly crucial parts, that was a moment or two of horror for Woody and I. We bodged it together and have some replacement parts on the way thankfully.



Of course, he's adorable, my little thrill seeker, and possibly the best excuse for falling behind with everything else.

I made this little heart way back when I was first pregnant with Florence, and when I was nesting later in my pregnancy I hung it on the door of her little cupboard that I'd painted for her, and had filled with clothes and nappies and all things newborn.
It's been hanging there all this time, but some of the stitches had come loose, and the stuffing was falling out. I'd look at it each time I pulled out an outfit or nappy for Ernest, but I didn't take it upstairs and fix it.
Today, I took it upstairs and stitched it back together, I used slightly mismatched thread, no one will notice, but I know.



I've been trying, and mostly failing to catch up with all the little jobs around here that have been neglected. One of them was to finally hang this painting. My mother in law bought this in memory of Florence just after she was born, but not thinking straight I simply shoved it in a cupboard. I unearthed it recently (along with another gift from that time.) read the inscription on the back and decided to hang it above Florence's cupboard in the children's bathroom. It looks rather sweet up there I think.

Each morning the sun streams into our bedroom, sometimes just for a short while before the customary clouds blot it out.
Each morning as those sunbeams peek through the curtains or light up the bathroom as I shower, I whisper a good morning to Florence.
I've done this since that morning two years ago when stood crying in the shower I was suddenly bathed in golden autumn sunlight.
This morning the dawn light was glowing so brightly it woke me up. My little girl, dancing light across the sky and calling "wake up Mama".
It's nonsense, but it doesn't matter, it eases my heart.