I updated my Flossie's Garden blog yesterday ; I raised £10 for SANDs at the Market, despite it being a shockingly quiet day.
I started a Just Giving page to keep track of my donations.
Feels a bit silly compared to other's pages as my target is so small, but I figure every penny counts.
10% of all my sales tomorrow will be donated to SANDs in memory of our beautiful Florence Violet.
Woody kept reassuring me that the garden couldn't burn down, (everything is always so damp here in the North West.) but I wasn't worried about that. I was worried because I couldn't keep vigil. I needed to be next to Ernest in case he woke, and I needed to sleep.
During the night, Ernest woke for milk. He snuggled onto my lap,head against my breast and I gave him his milk. I was tired and my eyes closed, but the moonlight was streaming through the gap in the curtains, and right into my face. In my half asleep state, I could almost hear "Mummy", "Wake up".
Throughout the night I woke frequently, and just to confuse things more I also dreamed I was awake.
This morning, I woke myself up crying.
There was a thick mist across the garden as I padded downstairs to get Ernest some milk.
The lanterns all safely snuffed out.
Facing her third birthday without her was bad enough, but what's worse is facing the rest of my life without her. I still just want my baby back.
Three years ago we gathered with friends and family to say goodbye.
I remember Angus writing your name on his little note to you, and my brother in pain because he'd burnt his face welding without a mask and the sun was blazing down...
So much of that day is clear in my minds eye, and so much more is a muddle.
Wish you were here, all I can do is light candles, it's pretty feeble really. I'm sorry. x
I haven't pumped milk for a week. We made it past Ernest's second birthday, and you know that mostly feels ok.
Two years is far from my ideal, both my older boys breastfed right into their fourth years, and only weaned because I was heavily pregnant with their next sibling. Even then, it was a gentle process.
I've tried to wean myself from the pump in a gentle way too.
Ernest was down to just two very small bottles of breastmilk, morning and night. Topped up with extra bottles of cows milk.
I'm sitting here now, finally free from the pump, but it still hangs there on the bed frame...I might put it away today.
Ernest will continue to have bottles of cows milk when he needs them. He still needs the comfort of sucking, and I'll never deny him that.
I'm very pleased to say, that skirt is now far too big for me, and went off to the charity shop a little while ago.
This one, I came across yesterday when sorting through my sewing desk, and decided to stitch it up.
I'm really quite pleased with how it looks in a smaller size, and have cut out three more today in different fabrics..here's hoping I don't take another 10 months to sew those up!
And if you want to make your own a line skirt, you can follow my instructions on drafting and making up here, or just click on the linkie in the side bar.