Yeah, I know it's already 12th January! My children didn't finish school and college until 23rd December, which means they only went back to school and college on Monday...is it really only four days ago? Why am I so tired?
Poor Eden had to go back to college on her birthday! She was less than impressed to say the least. I now have two adult children, since Eden turned 18 on Monday! It's a strange feeling.
Christmas was quiet (well as quiet as it gets around here!), and I did a lot of cosying up on the sofa, a bit of crocheting, but not a lot of anything else, which felt good. In fact so good I'm finding it rather hard to get back into the normal routine. Grey January skies certainly don't help.


I've been working on updating my wardrobe with clothes that feel good lately. I designed this dress to wear to our WI Christmas party. The bodice is princess line, and the skirt is full circle with extra panels and box pleats at the hips. The fabric is a waxed cotton. The dress uses a full 6 metres of fabric, most of which is in the skirt! I am also wearing a full petticoat in these photos and a store bought bow belt.
This feels fab on, really swishy and feminine. I love it! Of course as usual I want to tweak certain things.( but that's for another post)



I used the same pattern to make this dress. This time the bodice is lace underlined with black jersey for the main bodice, sleeves just lace and the skirt is made with some gorgeous vintage pinstripe suiting.
Again worn over a petticoat and with a belt.



I put in an exposed zip this time to juzz it up a bit. I think this is the least successful of the two dresses, but it will be a good addition to my work wardrobe.

I'm trying very hard right now to stay body positive while writing this. The reason I need to update my wardrobe is quite simply that nothing much in my existing wardrobe fits me anymore. I could easily (too easily) sit here and write an entire blog post about every flaw I can see when looking at these photos, but I wont.






Happy New Year lovely readers. Don't forget to follow me on instagram

Christmas is very almost here, and I have had to face the reality that  most all of my pre Christmas sewing plans are not going to happen. There is a not so little pile of cut out garments sitting out in my shed waiting for me. I'm a little sad at the thought, but on the other hand, I can look forward to going out there after Christmas festivities are over and taking my time instead of rushing to a deadline, that let's be honest I have set myself.
Even my little christmas tree hasn't made it out to the shed this year, instead it sits on a side table next to my spot on the sofa where I work on little hand sewing projects.


Wishing all my readers a very Merry Christmas and a New Year filled with love. x

I enjoy decorating the house for Christmas, despite the fact that it's never quite the chilled out family affair I dream of. No crackling fire, gentle music and angelic children helping out here. Much more chaos, and shouting, and lights not long enough, frantic dashes out to buy more, frazzled nerves and more shouting....unyet, it's still one of my favourite parts of this time of year.
This year our door wreath was looking really rather shabby, so inspired by several I'd seen on Pinterest, I dispatched India off to the charity shop where they were selling random baubles 12 for £1. I told her to get 24, different sizes,but mostly gold and silver.
I then, set to with my glue gun, also adding some candy canes and this kitschy snowman. India and I both thought a retro style fawn would be perfect, but we were make doing and mending, and didn't own a fawn, though we now have one on the way thanks to my lovely friend Mary, who found one in her decorations and agreed our wreath needed it more than she does. So, if Mr Postman gets his act together, we will have our little fawn before Christmas.



Our tree is loaded down with five years worth of ornaments gifted us for Florence, and those we have bought ourselves. Every year I look for something special for the tree just for her, this year it's a little pottery bird found in a gift shop in Beaumaris on Anglesey.





The fireplace has six stockings, one for each of our children, plus a few other special items.

Thank you so much to everyone who left comments yesterday. I wish I had a dove for each and every one of you. I'm sorry I don't, but I'm sending each of you my love this Christmas, wishing for peace in your hearts and thinking of all your little ones who are so missed.

so, using Random.Org, I've picked four winners:

Mackenzie's Mommy

Gnomes

Caroline

Jessica

Please email me your addresses to jeanette dot archer at gmail dot com
I'll get these off to you asap. x

There is a stillness at this time of year that I find unsettling and invigorating in equal measure.
Last year, I was so desperate to hold on to 2009. I was so afraid of losing Florence's year, and although the turning of another year takes her further back in time, I'm not dreading 2011 quite as much as I did 2010.
I think it might seem strange to many that I dreaded 2010 so much when i already knew I was pregnant again. And maybe it seems strange that I'm glad to leave 2010 behind when it was the year our beautiful Ernest was born.
2010 has been exhausting. Grieving one life, while growing another is probably the closest I've come to losing my mind. Follow that up with breastfeeding problems and hospital stays, and then just the general terror of mothering a newborn after a traumatic loss, not to mention trying to mother four growing and grieving older children; I think it's no wonder that these days I find myself walking a very fine line between grief and depression.
I'm not alone I know, with feeling lost with my grief. I'm tired of myself,and am not at all surprised that maybe others are tired of me too.
My grief has changed, I don't get flashbacks so often and so unexpectedly. the grief is burrowing deeper inside, less obvious to everyone else, but always there, always hurting.A relentless ache with no dignity.
All this, unyet I'm so lucky, and don't think for one moment I don't realise how lucky I am.
I'm typing this with Ernest nuzzled into my neck, sleeping on my shoulder. I don't expect him to cure my aching heart, but he's a joy all of his own, and so loved.

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Khalil Gibran

Thank you to everyone who has sent us cards and ornaments this year.
I love it when I open a card to see Florence included in some way, and one of my friends managed to even make me chuckle with her card and ponderings on how to include Florence. (I think you know who you are, thank you, you made me smile. I know how you and yours think of Florence often.)

This gorgeous snow globe came from a very special friend, and this is staying up all year round. I give it a little shake every time I pass it and send a little "hello" off into the Universe. Love you Hev. x

This felted ornament was made by another blogger, Sad Kitty as part of the ornament swap organised by Jenny. I love it.
This was such great project to take part in. I enjoyed making the ornament for my swapee, and almost forgot I was going to receive one too. A lovely way to connect with grieving parents around the world, and hopefully pass on a little hope between us all.



This lovely little dove came from another speciial friend, thank you Lisa. x



These hang together with the ornament we bought for Florence this year, a porcelain heart from this seller on Etsy. I also couldn't resist a few little pieces from her for the children's stockings too, check her out.



And of course the ornaments bought, and made, and gifted to us last year.
India said soon, we'll have just Florence ornaments for Christmas.
It goes without saying, (but I will) that we all wish we had more.

Tomorrow, we will take roses and a Christmas balloon to Florence's grave, and we will carry in our hearts all of the babies and families we know who are missing their precious children this Christmas and always.

***

And now for a winner! Using Random.org the chosen winner of the little pinafore is commenter number 6, Just Me.
There are no contact details for you in your profile honey, so I'm really hoping you see this. email me jeanette dot archer at gmail dot com with your contact details and I'll get the dress off in the post after the holidays.

Love and Light to all my readers this Christmas. x

This time using these fab freebie designs by Jenny at Allsorts. I printed them onto adhesive paper and used them to brighten up this plain tissue paper.

I don't much like gift wrapping. I always have these great ideas in my head, but generally end up with crinkly paper and huge globs of sticky tape.
Then there's the whole waste thing....
Yesterday someone posted this link on one of the forums I use, and I decided to give it a go.
So quick and easy and effective, and most importantly I get these fat quarters of Shade Garden back, cos I used them to wrap Ernest's pressies.

Lookee over there in my side bar...scroll down a bit....there a free PDF pattern for my Flossie's Pinafore.



I designed this pattern a while back, initially for a book submission. That never came to anything, so I thought I'd simply share it here with you, my readers.I hope you like it.

I have had a good sewing pal test the pattern for me, but you know, sometimes even the best of us can miss things, so if you find any problems with the instructions or the pattern please let me know and I'll do my best to figure things out.

Please do add any piccies of your dresses to the flickr group, I'd love to see them.

Please don't use this pattern to make dresses to sell. this pattern was designed in memory of my beautiful Florence, and I'd be very hurt and upset if anyone took advantage of that.

Please do consider making a charitable donation to your local NICU, SCBU, or children's hospice if you do use the pattern.


And finally, just for those who don't sew, I've got one Pinafore to give away. This is a size 12-18mths, and could be yours, just leave a comment, and I'll choose a winner on Christmas Eve. (sorry, not one for the boys, but I'll work on something for the New Year.)

I felt the need to Christmas up Florence's little area in our hallway.
There are six little paper stockings on the tree.



I keep wanting to write more, but I just can't find the right words. x

There are fewer decorations at the cemetery this year, at least amongst Florence's neighbours. I guess that's just how it goes.
I decided on a little pink tree this year, with sparkly butterflies.

And two little Christmas friends.


Our second Christmas without her. I don't know what to say about that. How many times can I say I miss her, we miss her?

We do. x

Yesterday was hard, last night was harder still. Honestly I'm struggling right now.



The decorations came down this morning, and I'm trying hard to look forward. It's difficult.

Sometimes, it's hard to say the right thing to me, sometimes I'm an awkward bugger and nothing you say or don't say will be right. I'm grieving, and pretty much reserve the right to sometimes be awkward, and possibly a bitch.
Sometimes, people I love and who I know love me say the "wrong" thing and I don't mind one bit, because I know their heart is good.
Mostly, I'm blessed to have a life full of wonderful friends who are truly supportive.
Christmas though means that on occasion I've been out of my comfort zone, of home, my family, my closest friends, and "out there" with extended family and family friends, all of whom I know do have a heart, and probably do care,but for whatever reason choose to ignore my beautiful daughter, choose to not say her name. Maybe they are afraid I will cry.
There is the odd stroke of my arm and a meaningful "how are you ?" and I appreciate that, but it cuts me like a knife when Florence is glossed over, ignored, forgotten.
I guess by next Christmas she'll be nothing more than a footnote.

I can hear the rain outside, I haven't looked out of the window yet,but I imagine the rain has washed away most of the snow by now.
Christmas is done.I'm glad.
The decorations will stay up until New Years day,but that's it Christmas 2009 is over.
You know, actually it wasn't that bad,it wasn't that different to our usual Christmas'. The kids got up early, we opened presents, we ate too much chocolate.
The only difference was the visit to the cemetery in the morning. We took Florence a helium filled Christmas balloon, some roses, and some decorated gingerbread biscuits.(for the birds). We had to use a flask of hot water to defrost her headstone, and to release the frozen roses from their vase,it was cold and snowy. I tried not to worry that Florence was cold under the snow, I always remind myself that she was buried in cashmere booties to keep her toes cosy.
The cemetery was the busiest I've ever seen it. I'm rarely there alone, but on Christmas day there was even difficulty parking, there was almost a party atmosphere. I found it really touching to see so many people visiting their loved ones. Yes, some were red eyed from crying,but some were smiling, and some even having the odd snowball fight.
I rarely cry at Florence's graveside,but the tears were stinging my eyes, and I found it harder to leave than usual. I just wished she could come home with us,to the warm.

Christmas evening we lit a paper lantern for Florence, the children watched from an upstairs window, Woody and I from the garden, we could see it's light floating waaay off into the distance for longer than we imagined we would.Christmas wishes and kisses for our much loved and much missed baby girl.

For Florence, we miss you sweetheart.x

I don't believe in fate, I don't believe things "happen for a reason", maybe I did once.I'm not at all offended by those that do, but for me to believe in fate or in reasons would imply divine intervention, and I definitely don't believe in that.
I guess I believe the universe exists in all it's randomness, and complexity and chaos, and we are just part of it. (And I know for many many people that's exactly why they do believe in divinity.)

Florence, like all of us came into being from two tiny cells, to paraphrase her paediatrician,it's really amazing that the creation of human life goes as well as it does so often.

What I do know is that Florence was loved for the 40 weeks and 3 days she was in my womb, for the 6 hours she lived, for the forgotten number of hours we held and cared for her body, and for always and forever. She is our fifth child, and our children's little sister, and always a part of our family. Always missed. Always loved.

I accept that she is gone, I don't understand it, and I will always wish it otherwise. I will always ache to hold her, and I continue to cry every day.

The post mortem didn't give us the answers we perhaps hoped for,but it did give us some answers, and threw up more questions, I'm not certain they ever do otherwise?

As, I often do, I'm rambling on, making little sense, and most probably confusing those I love who read this blog. I'm sorry.

I'm also so thankful, thankful for all the kind and thoughtful comments left on my last post, for all the emails and phone calls, and for all the love that has come this way over the past five months. You are all wonderful.

Today we are baking Christmas cookies to take to Florence, where they will feed the birds, unless the local foxes get them first!

Florence would be five months old today. Old enough to enjoy the twinkly Christmas lights, and old enough to have fun with wrapping paper, maybe not quite old enough to enjoy the snow.
Instead the snow covers her grave, a thick blanket of frozen snow, and I'm wondering what I can take to her on Christmas day? A poinsettia? Maybe a Christmas wreath? Balloons? What do you buy your dead baby for Christmas?
I've decorated the house, made her a stocking, and put up the lovely ornaments bought in her memory by thoughtful friends.
I could feel the tears welling up in church yesterday. The end of term carol service for my littlies. Songs and stories about birth and a little baby.
Today we go to the hospital to hear the post mortem results for our baby.
I'm so scared,last night I dreamed the results simply said "Mother's Fault".
I'm so scared, and so sad,and right now all I can do is shuffle through the days and hope my living children have a good Christmas,and we'll all remember Florence, miss her horribly and wish she was here.