Forever

8:13 am

I left candles and lanterns burning last night. after Ernest was asleep I crept back downstairs to look at them in the dark. Before going to sleep I checked on them again through my bedroom window.
Woody kept reassuring me that the garden couldn't burn down, (everything is always so damp here in the North West.) but I wasn't worried about that. I was worried because I couldn't keep vigil. I needed to be next to Ernest in case he woke, and I needed to sleep.
During the night, Ernest woke for milk. He snuggled onto my lap,head against my breast and I gave him his milk. I was tired and my eyes closed, but the moonlight was streaming through the gap in the curtains, and right into my face. In my half asleep state, I could almost hear "Mummy", "Wake up".
Throughout the night I woke frequently, and just to confuse things more I also dreamed I was awake.
This morning, I woke myself up crying.
There was a thick mist across the garden as I padded downstairs to get Ernest some milk.
The lanterns all safely snuffed out.
Facing her third birthday without her was bad enough, but what's worse is facing the rest of my life without her. I still just want my baby back.

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14 comments

  1. I'm so sorry Jeanette...there are no words. I just couldn't read without letting you know i'm thinking of you xxx

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  2. Oh Jeanette, I selfishly wish I didn't feel exactly the same, but I do, and reading your post made me cry for your baby and mine.
    V
    xxx

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  3. Just as much as she is gone forever, Florence is with you and so many of the people who care for you forever.
    Thinking of you and your precious family and sending sweet dreams for tonight.

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  4. Huge hugs Jeanette. We're approaching three as well and I still struggle to believe that she's always going to be gone. Remembering your precious Florence. xx

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  5. "Facing her third birthday without her was bad enough, but what's worse is facing the rest of my life without her. I still just want my baby back."

    Sobbing.

    Oh Jeanette, I know.

    xo

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  6. wishing, just wishing I could give you a hug, wishing that things weren't as they are, crying tears that they are.
    hoping you find rest tonight
    x

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  7. And no wonder. Forever and forever and forever after that.

    Who would not want you forever, Florence?

    Sad heart with yours,

    Cathy in Missouri

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  8. xxxx is all I can do. I've never lost a child. I've never even really miscarried. But as a mother ... *hugs*. I would if I could if I were there.

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  9. I hope that came across the way it was meant.. x

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  10. Been thinking of you since Tuesday. Sending hugs round the corner xxx

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  11. "Facing her third birthday without her was bad enough, but what's worse is facing the rest of my life without her. I still just want my baby back."

    Yes, so very much yes. Sending love.
    xo

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  12. Thinking of and remembering your sweet girl with you. xx

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  13. I can't believe it's three years. Thinking of you and remembering Florance. Xxxx

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  14. I can't believe it's three years. Thinking of you and remembering Florance. Xxxx

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