I left candles and lanterns burning last night. after Ernest was asleep I crept back downstairs to look at them in the dark. Before going to sleep I checked on them again through my bedroom window.
Woody kept reassuring me that the garden couldn't burn down, (everything is always so damp here in the North West.) but I wasn't worried about that. I was worried because I couldn't keep vigil. I needed to be next to Ernest in case he woke, and I needed to sleep.
During the night, Ernest woke for milk. He snuggled onto my lap,head against my breast and I gave him his milk. I was tired and my eyes closed, but the moonlight was streaming through the gap in the curtains, and right into my face. In my half asleep state, I could almost hear "Mummy", "Wake up".
Throughout the night I woke frequently, and just to confuse things more I also dreamed I was awake.
This morning, I woke myself up crying.
There was a thick mist across the garden as I padded downstairs to get Ernest some milk.
The lanterns all safely snuffed out.
Facing her third birthday without her was bad enough, but what's worse is facing the rest of my life without her. I still just want my baby back.