Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Secret Garden Meeting September



I found this website a few weeks ago, and this month I decided to join in. (Click on the link above to learn more.)

What has helped you through out this new life the most. Is it your family? your faith? Support groups? A ritual? Music? Physical activity? A new interest? It could be anything. Tell us about how whatever it is has helped you. Please feel free to share photo's,videos, websites, support group information and so on.

I'm not sure how to answer this.Everything is still so fresh, we are just beginning to work out how our new normal is going to be.

The support of family and friends has been invaluable. Friends that will sit with me at my kitchen table, drink tea and let me waffle on, and cry. Friends that will send me emails, (and texts) and not get upset when I haven't the strength to reply.Friends far and near,who I know are willing me on.

Then, of course there are my older children. They, and Woody are the reason I get up every morning and fight through every day.They are the joy in my life, and I find my heart bursting with love one moment and ripped out with pain the next.

As for rituals, well we go to Florence's grave a lot. I like to keep it looking pretty. We light candles there for her and leave her fresh flowers, roses are a favourite.
We also light candles at home.

Sid has little rituals, he likes to "read" Florence's memory book, and he likes to name all the family members on a glass necklace I wear in the shape of a hugging family of seven...the littlest member is violet coloured, that's Florence.
I love Sid's four year old "matter of fact" way of talking about Florence, we grown ups could learn a lot from him.

The children have all also already decided that we will have chocolate birthday cake every year on Florence's birthday. That's of course a long way off yet,but it's important to them.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

New Pyjamas And Silly Boys


giddy, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

Maybe my boys were so giddy modelling their new pyjamas because they couldn't quite believe I'd actually made them! I'm far too ashamed to admit just how long ago it was that they picked out these fabrics.
silly

Daft boys

The pattern I used is from an old old Burda Kids magazine. I left off the pockets thinking "who needs pockets in pj's? ", only for Angus to tell me that he loved his pj's, but he'd like them better with pockets!

Tie Dye Pyjamas for Angus

Japanese Goldfish Pyjamas For Sid

Looks like my sewing head is slowly coming back to me.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Florence's Story

I have thought long and hard about putting Florence's story here, and having talked it over with Woody decided that I would.
Her story, our story is not an easy one to tell, but we think it might help some people who care about us to understand a little more about her short life. I also know how much it's helped me reading other families stories of loss, and maybe a mother in a similar position to me might stumble across this page and know that there are other mothers out there that understand, and feel that immense pain just like they do.

Florence Violet
22nd July 2009

Florence was a wonderful surprise baby. We had four children, and didn't plan on having any more, though it was no secret I wanted at least one more!
Finding out we were pregnant, was a surprise, I'm still not quite sure how it happened! I felt so lucky to be pregnant again, and enjoyed every moment of my pregnancy...ok maybe not the morning sickness!

Tuesday 21st July 2009, three days after my “official due date”, I woke in the early hours to strong contractions and period type pains. The contractions were only coming about every ten minutes, and I was managing to rest, even doze between them. I knew there was a way to go yet.
Woody had already booked the rest of that week off work as I was struggling with the school runs. I was very glad he had.
Things slowed down a little once all the children were up, and I managed to get the middle two off to school without arousing any suspicion.
I just had to keep my excitement from India, who had already finished school for the summer, and from Sid.
We spent the day quietly pottering about the house, and went for a gentle walk to a local park. We fed the ducks and simply enjoyed some quiet time.
By tea time the pains were stronger. Woody prepared a delicious chilli and flat-breads, and my best friend, Heather joined us for dinner.
We were all quite jolly. Woody and I were amused that Heather had shown up not knowing I was in the early stages of labour.
Once she realised, she looked rather nervous, and I tried to hide when the contractions came.
Later that evening once all the children were tucked up in bed, my contractions got a lot stronger, and I decided to try out the tens machine I'd borrowed from a lovely friend, Maxine.
I was trying to watch TV while bouncing on my birth ball or standing using the bedside crib to lean on and rotating my hips.
I also spent a lot of time on the loo, I think Florence was pressing on my bladder, I seemed to constantly need to wee. That position though would then trigger more contractions, as would Florence's constant wriggling!
She'd been enormously active all through the pregnancy, and during labour was no different. She'd kick and wriggle so violently sometimes I'd shout out “you little bugger!”.
She was going to be just like her big sister, Eden. I was sure of it.
By about 1am, the contractions were coming about every four minutes and were lasting about a minute and a half. Woody and I decided to go downstairs to the lounge where I planned to give birth, and where Angus and Sid were both born.
I decided to give the hospital a call and warn them I might need a midwife sometime soon.
Mary, my wonderful midwife was already in with a birthing woman, so I said I'd call back when I thought things were more urgent in the hope she'd be free by then.
Meanwhile Woody had woken India to go and sleep in with Sid in our bed. Eden and Angus also woke briefly, but I told them the baby was coming and they should go back to sleep.
Woody and I settled down in the lounge. Woody in the arm chair with a blanket, and me sat on my birthing ball,leaning over the back of a dining chair.
By now the pains were very intense, and I was struggling to get in a comfortable position. I felt overwhelmed and began to cry, telling Woody I couldn't do this...classic transition maybe?
Woody gave me some rescue remedy and a homoeopathic remedy from my birth kit. I stopped crying and gave myself a severe talking to.
I was now standing and leaning over the back of the dining chair. Woody had started to doze in the arm chair,but I couldn't wake him as now the contractions were one on top of the other, and very intense. I was half keeping an eye on the time and decided if these contractions kept coming like this until 4am, that would be when I'd wake Woody and ring for Mary.
I kept telling myself “you can do this”.
Just before 4am my mucous plug came away, and I woke Woody to check...I couldn't move, I was rooted to the spot and clinging on to my chair.
We then phoned the delivery suite, but I couldn't speak, and before I'd even passed the phone to Woody, the midwife was already sending Mary out to me.
Mary arrived very quickly.(I live very close to the hospital.) I was so pleased to see her. A week earlier she had hurt her leg and I didn't think she'd make it to my birth, I was so glad she did.
Mary wanted to examine me, I was really nervous, but she was gentle and caring. She said I was 5cm's dilated with waters bulging. Florence was in a great position and her heartbeat was strong.
As I stood up from the sofa, there was a whoosh of amniotic fluid! Mary again listened to Florence's heartbeat, still good and strong.
I was managing with the Tens machine, but Mary thought I might like some Entonox, so popped out to her car to get a mouthpiece for the canister.
Almost immediately I could feel Florence's head crowning. I said to Woody “Here comes the head”, but he didn't believe me! (I have since told him that when a woman says a head is coming, she's not kidding!).
There was another huge gush of waters, and I could feel Florence coming with them. I didn't push, just breathed deeply.
I told Woody to go and get Mary, then said “No stay, catch the baby”. Woody was holding out his hands to catch Florence, (she had one hand up near her face) as Mary came back in. Mary said the cord was tight around Florence's neck and she may have to cut it, but Florence had other ideas and was born in a flash into both Woody and Mary's hands . (little did we know, that had she cut the cord then, we might not have got the time with her we did.)
Mary passed Florence up to me, I held her warm slippy body in my arms. Woody said “It's a girl”. I knew it! I held her close and scolded myself for any doubts I'd had while pregnant that she might never make it earth side.
Woody and Mary helped me to the sofa. There had been no time to put down all the towels I'd been saving, so Mary hastily put down stepping stones of inco pads for me.
I sat on the sofa with my beautiful baby girl against my breast. She looked just like Eden. I knew her already, just like the other children.

It was 4.54am.

While we waited for the placenta, I held Florence skin to skin. I offered her the breast but she wasn't ready to feed yet. She had been born very fast and was a little mucousy. I wasn't concerned about her not wanting to feed straight away. All of my babies had waited a good hour before wanting their first feed. I was happy to feel her body against mine, and study her little hands and face.
She passed meconium all over us both, and I started to feel a little uncomfortable after about thirty minutes or so. This was when we decided to cut the cord that had stopped pulsating, and I asked for syntometrine to help the placenta come away.
Mary then suggested I go for a quick shower to rinse off the meconium, and Woody took Florence. He washed her gently with warm water and a soft cloth before having a cuddle with her while I showered.
I was so excited in the shower, I think it was the quickest shower of my life, I just wanted to get back downstairs to my new baby, to give her that first breastfeed and to settle down for the new day with my family around me.
The children had all gone down to say hello to Florence while I was in the shower.
When I got downstairs, Mary said Florence was a little cold and “dusky” and she wanted to put her back skin to skin with me. I immediately tucked her under my pyjama top.
Mary took her temperature, and it was only 34 degrees, she was by now whimpering a little. Mary called an ambulance and I held an oxygen mask over Florence's face.
Initially I think we all thought it was the fast birth and the mucous on her chest causing the problem, but I remember my hands shaking as I tried to put a nappy on her, and knowing in my heart that things were very wrong.
India found me some shoes and a fleece to throw on over my pyjamas as the ambulance arrived.
Mary held Florence into the ambulance, and I was helped in by the paramedic, and strapped into my seat. The sirens and lights were switched on. I couldn't believe this was happening, I was overwhelmed with dread.
We arrived at the A&E department just minutes later. I climbed out of the ambulance first, but Florence was already on the table by the time I got there.

It was 6.05am

This is where details get very blurry. I have flashes of the next five hours , but exact time lines are lost to me.
I remember a wonderful nurse, Jo enveloping me in her arms and holding me so tightly. I think we both thought that holding on like that might make it all ok.
(I've since learned that Jo sadly lost her father just a week later and he is buried close by Florence.)
I remember Woody arriving soon after us. He had waited at home for his step Mum to come and look after the children, then raced to the hospital to be with us.
I remember Florence's tiny body on that table, wires and tubes from every limb, from her nose, her mouth and her umbilical.
I remember stroking her tiny hand and her soft cheek as the doctors and nurses worked on her.
I remember knowing she was leaving us.
I wanted it all to stop. I wanted to hold my baby in my arms.
Finally, after five hours Florence decided she was leaving us. Woody had taken me outside for some air. He was holding me up, and I thought I was going to wake up any minute.
That is when the doctor came to fetch us. She told us Florence was making the choice to leave us.
Woody held me up as we walked towards the table. Another doctor was still trying to resuscitate her. The first doctor told him to stop and to give us our baby.
Woody and I were both sobbing and holding our beautiful girl as a nurse hastily cut all the tubes and wires.
We sat together, huddled, crying, me unwrapping my baby to get a good look at her. I wanted to study her as I would've at home during that first feed.
Time stood still in our little bubble as the nurses cleaned up around us.
She was gone.
She never had that first feed, she never opened her eyes.

It was 10.55am

After a while we were moved to a relatives room, and a midwife was left with us. We were worried sick about our older children, and I made that awful phone call home to Grandma to let her know our baby girl had left us.
We were moved again a while later to the bereavement suite in the maternity department.
I was wheeled through the hospital holding my baby and trying desperately to hide in her blanket the tubes and wires still left in her body.
Woody walked behind carrying my bags.
It's a long way from A&E to the maternity department, but our lovely bereavement midwife, Annie went as fast as she possibly could.
The bereavement suite is a quiet comfortable space in a distant corridor away from the bustle of the maternity wards.
Annie helped me to weigh Florence, 9lbs 3.5 ozs.
We were left alone in that room for a while. Woody made a cup of tea. Annie had left us sandwiches, but we were not hungry.
We undressed Florence, and I washed her carefully before dressing her, and hiding all the wires I could in her nightgown.
I kept asking for the wires and tubes to be removed, and being told it was impossible until the coroner arrived and gave permission. Woody stopped me several times from ripping them out myself.
We held Florence in our arms, I walked with her and rocked her and we cried.
Eventually the coroner, Rita arrived and gave permission for the tubes and wires to be removed. Finally we could see our sweet baby's face.
She was so beautiful,and I swear I could see her smiling.

We had to then endure the SUDIC (Sudden Unexplained Death In Childhood) team, their questions, their intrusion into our grief and even into our home, as Woody went home with two detectives and a specialist paediatrician so they could see where Florence was born. (Granddad and Grandma had by now taken the children to their house, they still didn't know what had happened.)

Finally the time came to leave Florence. We had to get back to our older children, but to do that we had to abandon our precious girl.
Annie's colleague suggested she hold Florence in her arms on the sofa, so we could leave her that way instead of having her taken out of the room.
We kissed our baby girl goodbye and forced ourselves out of that room, down the corridor, into the lift, down another corridor, forcing one foot in front of the other. Holding a memory box in my arms instead of a baby, my dress spattered with blood.
When I got into the car, there was the baby seat.

We arrived home to an empty house, but the children arrived soon after. We sat on the sofa, we all cried.

The children wanted to see Florence, so later that evening we went back to the hospital. The children all got to hold and kiss their baby sister, and we took photos.
The girls both took her gifts to keep with her. India gave her a little pink bunny, and Eden gave her a cushion she had made and embroidered for her.

That night the older three children cried like I never want to hear them do again. They all slept together in the same room for several days afterwards.

The last time we saw Florence was two days before her burial. She was lying on the quilt I'd made for her while pregnant, wearing the gown I'd made for her in the days after she was born, and the bonnet I'd knitted for her on holiday.
She looked like a little sleeping pixie, delicate and beautiful.

Florence was buried on 7th August 2009. The sun was shining, we watched the balloons float off into the clouds and we wept.

We are all broken hearted at the loss of our Florence Violet. She was a part of our family from the very moment she was conceived. We miss her so very much and will love her forever.
She will always be our fifth child.



Our family of seven

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Babywearing

Wanted to share this ad for babywearing.Pretty cool huh?

Monday, September 21, 2009

Thank you Carly


F l o r e n c e, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

I stumbled across Carly's wonderful site To Write Their Names In The Sand, a week or so ago.
Here are the pictures she took of Florence's name in the sand. I'm so so pleased with them. I think it's such a beautiful concept. If you get a minute or two please take a look at her site, and her other work helping bereaved parents.


Florence1-1



PS, I know I blogged this briefly yesterday,but I got my purchased jpegs just now, so could share them properly.

Doves


doves, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

It's Monday morning again. The school runs start in about 25 minutes time, I've been awake from 3am, and I feel sick. I just keep telling myself "it will get easier".
Anyhow, I did manage to finish this skirt yesterday afternoon. After lots of unpicking and re designing as I went along, I think I can say I'm fairly happy with it.

Another skirt

A few people have asked about the post mortem and inquest after I mentioned them in an earlier post. I'm confused about them too!
Basically though, as I understand it, because Florence died unexpectedly, (the pregnancy, birth and immediately post birth were all perfect) we were obliged by law to have a post mortem, and eventually an inquest to determine the actual cause of death, although we have been led to believe that she had an undiagnosed congenital heart condition. The inquest will hopefully give more details, but may not take place for several months, and yes it's very very distressing.

I have been writing up Florence's story when I can , I might share it here when I'm ready.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

To Write Their Names In The Sand

Please go and take a look.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Footprints


Florence footprints 2, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

Maybe I'll write more later.



Ok, so it's later, and here I am.
This past week has been just awful, last evening by the time Woody came home from work I was in my pjs and in my bed. Every bit of me was aching, I was completely exhausted, mentally and physically.
The school runs are hellish, not because people are horrid, just the opposite, everyone is lovely. I've had hugs, kisses, and moral support from every angle. All of which I am truly grateful for.
I just hate being "that poor woman", I feel like I'm walking to school with an obvious raw and bloody open wound for all the world to see.
I did finally receive Florence's hand and footprints, (and a lock of her hair) from the coroner, and hated the way they had been cut out and framed. Today I re did them, though I was limited to what I could do with them due to the way they had been cut out.
No other news from the coroner though, no post mortem results and no date for the inquest.

I have been pondering about this blog and wondering if I should start a seperate blog for my Florence posts.
I don't think I want to. I feel like I shared so much of the preperations for Florence's birth here, that it would be weird to move her somewhere else. Plus, she is a part of me, and even when posting my craft projects, she's still here with me, so I'd like to keep her as part of this blog too.
What do you think?

Friday, September 11, 2009

Jumble


vintage button, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

My brain today is one big jumble. I keep thinking of things I want to say, things I want to do,but there's this shakey feeling inside, and my mind skips about. The only time I feel calm is at Florence's grave side.
I want to tell you about the skirt I made this afternoon,but thankfully I think it speaks for itself. It's just a skirt for someone who is too fat to fit into most of her other winter skirts.

New skirt for a fatty



And on the fatty

I also want to tell you about Heather's wedding, been meaning to do that for a while. Suffice to say it was a gorgeous wedding,Heather was beautiful and I hope she and Gary will always be happy together.

Happy Couple

There's other "stuff" too, but like I said, my brain is a jumble.....

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Save The Mother Magazine

I've just heard that this wonderful publication is in danger of closure. I admit to letting my subscription slide a while ago, but have just rectified that.
Please save The Mother Magazine and subscribe here.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Gently...


PE bag, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

Very gently easing myself back into life.
This morning was the first day back at school, a daunting prospect for us all. We've pretty much cocooned ourselves away over the Summer while we've been dealing with our raw grief. Life, however does go on, and today we all had to face the new school year.
Woody has taken the week off work so I don't have to face the school run alone. He held my shaking hand while I walked Sid into his new reception class.
I've also managed to do a tiny bit of sewing. My concentration levels have been at total zero since Florence was born, a combination of grief and post natal baby brain I think. Most days I've simply been concentrating on getting through the next minute, the next hour..

Friday, September 04, 2009

A dress for Florence


A dress for Florence, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

I've pondered writing this post, writing the post that is going to move my beautiful baby down the page is not an easy one. Actually writing here at all isn't easy.
I wish I had the gift for writing that I often see on other blogs, but this blog was never about my (lack of) writing skill. This blog was a fluffy happy place to come and share my love of sewing and crafts.
I'd imagined writing my birth announcement, and sharing all the outfits I'd planned to make with that stash of girly fabrics I'd been saving just in case.
As I showered hastily while Woody washed Florence (she had very kindly pooped all over both of us), I excitedly composed that birth announcement in my head. I didn't know that only moments later we'd be speeding to hospital in an ambulance...
I miss my beautiful baby girl more than anyone will ever know, we all do.
I sewed this dress for her just three days after she died. I barely remember sewing it, but I knew I wanted my precious girl to be wearing something Mummy made for our goodbyes.
Florence was buried on 7th August in a beautiful grave side service.

".....One moonlight night, the fairies came
flying in at the window, and brought her
such a pretty pair of wings, that she could
not help putting them on: and she flew with
them out of the window, and over the land,
and over the sea, and up through the clouds..."

from "The Water Babies" by Charles Kingsley