Furtive
7:13 amfur·tive/ˈfərtiv/Adjective
1. Attempting to avoid notice or attention, typically because of guilt or a belief that discovery would lead to trouble; secretive.
I don't know if this is normal amongst babyloss parents, and maybe I'll regret outing myself here,but I am guilty of furtively browsing the internet, and scrutinising photos of baby girls. I don't really go looking for them, but if I happen upon a cute photo of a little girl who might be around the same age Florence would be now, I'll look closer...I'll wonder if that little girl has longer hair than Florence would by now,would I be able to put a little bow in it? Would Florence still have that touch of red in her hair? Would her eyes be bluer than the little girl I'm looking at, her wrists chubbier?
I feel kinda guilty doing this, like I'm stealing little bits of little girls and trying to build my own, make her alive, Maybe that's how Mary Shelley (a fellow babyloss Mama) felt when she wrote Frankenstien?
I know this little excercise is futile, I can't make Florence alive again, and honestly it's not usually an enjoyable past time, it stabs at my heart,but I still do it.
Yesterday, I almost came undone because of it. I clicked on a link,a little toddler in a beautiful little dress, and little red shoes. I told myself I wanted a closer look at the dress, research you see for future pattern drafting. I clicked through several photos,looking at seam details, and wondering to myself, then it hit me, the caption, the little girl in the photo with the chubby wrists, and the bow in her hair was called Florence. I had to steady myself by holding on to my desk, as the room span and I tried to stop the tears from springing to my eyes.
Regaining my composure,I scolded myself for looking,but since that moment,I've felt so guilty, and so very stupid.
I can't conjure her up,I can't know how she would've been, I can only know what she was,but that was so brief.
I look at her photos every day, sometimes I examine every little crease on her face and fingers, and sometimes it hurts too much to look too closely.
I expect I'll always look just a little bit too long, and a little bit too longingly at girls the age she should be, and I guess it'll always sting just a little to hear her name belonging to someone else.
9 comments
I am guilty of some of the same, when I am brave enough to even be furtive. I can barely go there. I understand what you mean, piecing together a little girl you can only imagine.
ReplyDeleteIf I ever come across another Calla, I think I'll probably pass out.
Much love to you.
xo
Aw Jeanette. The Florence bow just brought tears to my eyes.
ReplyDeleteI didn't know that about Mary Shelley. Makes me view Frankenstein in a new light.
And if it brings you any comfort, I do exactly the same thing. Don't have to look too far though, as you know.
It is so very difficult to accept that we will never know what our little girls would have been like apart from in that very brief spell of time we had them with us. x
mmm new light on Frankenstein indeed. I can't help but look wistfully at little toddler girls and wonder how things would be.
ReplyDeleteI came across your blog by accident today, and wanted to reach out and let you know how much your honesty moved me. I cannot comprehend your loss, it's never happened to me - however I was incredibly touched by your courage to describe your situation. To me you sum up some of the stuff I have been recently discovering - after having been introduced to Brene Brown (through youtube and her books - not personally!)and that I want to be able to do in my life - so thank you!
ReplyDeleteI do something similar, I am constantly looking at Henry's pictures and comparing them to the features of my living children as they grow, building a mental picture of him. Yesterday I stood at the fridge looking at a picture of him and Vivien side by side for almost ten minutes, scrutinizing their ears (hers stick out just a touch, his were flat back). Sometimes I do it to convince myself that they are not the same baby, that they are different, sometimes my mind melds things together and I am worried I will start to blur the edges of his memory inadvertently.
ReplyDeleteDont feel guilt about it, I think its a sweet thing to do, something that doesnt harm anyone, and how could you not? I think we will be looking for them always, everywhere.
I think that many of us do this.. so know that you are not alone Jeanette
ReplyDeleteThought I'd chime in to say, I'm another who does this, from time to time. Mostly, I absolutely cannot imagine. I just have no idea.
ReplyDeleteMy forever newborn.
xo
Yes...I understand.
ReplyDeleteThere's only been one other Lyra, and she is "Ferdinand's Gifts" rainbow, and older than mine would have been.
Little girls and their pretty things don't usually hit be as hard, but they've become more sneaky and work at me silently until I break.
Sending love my friend.
sending hugs J, I too imagine my Alfie....my forever baby.
ReplyDeleteAnother babyloss mum who is now a close friend lost one of ehr twins teh day after Alfie died.....her survivng twin is a constant reminder to us both of what could havebeen. His 1st day at nursery was a stinger.
I saw Archiein sadie this am and wondered where Alfie would fit into the picture - my wee gap x x
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