Surprise Tears

9:48 am

Some days the tears are near the surface, some days buried deep, and some days they surface suddenly to hot stingy eyes, and are accompanied by loud sobs I didn't know were there...or I was pretending they weren't.
I've been feeling really rather calm lately, eerily so, almost detatched. Like with any emotion I've tried to just feel what I'm feeling, just sit with it.I know whatever it is,it will change and there's little point denying it or trying to overide it.
This calmness is what it is, it's not an omen,if anything it's just my brains way of coping in these last weeks.
This morning though as I waved off Woody and the children, those hot stingy eyes gave me away, and for just a second I could picture an eleven month old little girl at my feet, waving them off.Then a second later could almost feel her head heavy on my shoulder.
I don't know how to get through the next few weeks. I don't know how to miss Florence and wait for baby boy without losing my mind.

Don't be shy, say hello!


  1. (((((((lots of hugs to you Jeanette)))))))

  2. Oh Jeanette. This sounds like me this time last year. All I can say is I'm so sorry, and I wish things were so different for you.
    I'm thinking of you as you approach Florence's birthday and wait for baby boy to arrive. So much ahead for you, my friend.

  3. Once again I dont have the words but please know that Im in my heart holding your hand.

  4. just keep going honey , its the only way, you are doing great and have so little time to go . it seems like last week it was 10 weeks to go, now, its only 6. the calmness is a good thing, i'm sure its all in preparation. sending much love xxx anne

  5. No words, but sending you big hugs and love.xxxxxxx

  6. one day at a time ((((((hugs)))))

  7. You will, because you must. And so you will.

    When I was in labour with Fran, oh so long ago before I knew any different, I had a moment where I thought "I can't do this" and a voice just said in my head "you don't have a choice". I think it was my first real brush with motherhood.

    I'm holding that voice in my head since Freddie died. And you mama of so many and yet not quite enough, will do so too. You are strong enough. You just will.

    Lots of hugs.

  8. I found the last few weeks the most difficult too. It was like the very earliest stage of grief all over again - just living from moment to moment. Some moments were okay - some were very, very, very hard.

    We are all here, remembering your beautiful baby girl and hoping for your baby boy.

  9. As Merry said, you will because you must.
    I can't begin to imagine how hard this all is Jeanette.

    Take it slowly xxxx

  10. jeanette
    no words just sending you big hugs

  11. (((Jeanette)))

    I'm not sure what you believe and I hope it isn't out of line to say, but maybe the reason you pictured an 11 month old Florence is that in someway she is still with you and on some level will always be part of you. That might be 'just' in your heart, or in some more spiritual way, but whatever it is she is part of you and you are part of her, now and always.

  12. You are a brave soul Jeanette my friend and you will make it through, after all you've got this far.

    thinking about you lots and thinking of Florence too as it nearing her birthday.

    Love, hugs and prayers San xx

  13. i completely understand. completely. :(

  14. You are so nearly there, I'm wishing and hoping these last weeks go peacefully. Hold on xxx

  15. dont think of it in weeks ahead just concentrate on getting through hours at a time.
    your arms will soon be filled again

  16. I cried too when I read this. She's always yours xxxx


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