Right where I am 2013, three years ten months and ten days5:37 pm
I'm participating again this year in Angie's Right Where I Am Project. I'll be honest, there is a part of me that thinks perhaps I should skip it this year, but there is a larger part of me that values the opportunity to talk about Florence and how things are now, almost four years out from her birth and death.
I wrote in those early days of how I thought over time this blog would start to become more about sewing again, and less about grief. I can see that is starting to happen as I predicted.
I do feel that I am now beginning to finally awaken from the fog of grief. I'm looking around me and realising how much I've missed, and it's scary to think of how much catching up I have to do.
I don't read as many babyloss blogs as I used to, I can feel I'm slipping away from that need to connect, although the women I met in those early days will always be my sisters in loss, and their babies always remembered and loved.
Florence is integrated into our family life securely. I know some people have forgotten, I know some people prefer to forget, but it doesn't matter anymore because she has a firm position in the lives of those that matter.
There are still times when the intense longing for Florence to be here is more than I can stand. Times when I'm overwhelmed with grief and despair and guilt. Often a tiny insignificant moment can send me reeling, knocking me sideways and taking my breath away.
Florence occupies the spaces between each and every breath I take, she is there between the full stop and the beginning of the next word.
I find it hard to imagine her at almost four years old. I could imagine her as a baby and then to my surprise a toddler. I used to be able to feel her by my side, but lately I can't. I watch her shadow babies, and I marvel at their bigness, and I just can't see Florence that way. I know this might change.
There is no end to this grief. I know it will change as my life continues. I know I can and will still be surprised by it.
Mostly though I know how much I love and miss my little girl, and everything she'll never be. I know that when my big girls are dancing on the back seat of the car that my heart will swell with joy and simultaneously break into a million pieces for the little girl who will never dance along to the radio with her sisters, the little girl who will never splash in the sea at our favourite "crumpet" beach....
Florence Violet, you are loved, so loved. xxxxXx
Previous years posts: 2012 and 2011 and also Vlog of 2011's post