I didn't cry

8:22 am

Thursday morning I had an appointment to see my midwife.I had been offered the option of having all my ante natal appointments at home,but I declined. My midwife works in the community out of several doctor's surgeries, and I know I rarely visit my doctor, but I can't put off going to the surgery forever can I?

The waiting room is tiny. I walked in, and there was a face I recognised from school. Someone I've often exchanged "hellos" with, though not since Florence was born.
She immediately spotted the green maternity notes in my hand, or maybe she spotted my bump. She grinned so hard at me. I smiled, but I was terrified (and a little ashamed.)
I told the receptionist I was there to see the midwife...there is no privacy in that room.
The nice lady from school asked me when I was due, and told me she was due soon after.
I sat down, tried to ignore the radio which was playing some stupid love song, bit my lip hard and tried not to cry.

Finally in the safety of the exam room with my midwife, I started to relax. We chatted about the inquest, and she immediately put me at ease.

Then it was time to listen in to baby. I climbed on the couch, and after a few moments, there it was, a little heartbeat. M, my midwife smiled. I think I said, "so I have been feeling something then?"

BUT...I didn't feel relief, or excitement or anything much. I didn't cry.

I left the surgery and called Woody on my mobile. I chatted about the waiting room, about how M had agreed with me on a certain subject to do with the inquest, and finally he interrupted and said "did you hear a heartbeat?"...."yes"
I told him to put the kettle on, I'd be home in a moment.

Don't be shy, say hello!

10 comments

  1. Huge Hugs Jeanette xxxxxxx

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  2. More Big Hugs and also: I am happy you heard your little one.

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  3. Sending huge hugs your way Jeanette. I get it. Sometimes we just don't know how we are feeling anymore, or which end is up, ya know? I am happy you heard your little one too. Sending lots of love your way.

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  4. Sending more hugs your way xxx

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  5. So happy you were able to hear the hb. I know what you mean about it not giving you relief though. For me it was hard to accept this pregnancy, even though it was very much wanted. The relief will come, we just have accept it on our own terms. xx

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  6. I've never suffered the heartache of a loss like yours Jeanette, but I know that when I had Katie I couldn't let myself beleive that there would be a baby at the end until well past the point that I'd miscarried before - no matter how many scans, it just didn't seem possible.
    It's only natural that you're protecting yourself from more heartache, but you have to believe in the hopes of everyone who cares for you, that this baby will be OK.
    (((hugs)))
    Liz

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  7. It's so different for everyone, but I often found myself detaching during antenatal appts with Moe just because if I allowed myself a little tear it would have opened the floodgates.

    Love to you Jeanette xx

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  8. Big hugs and smiles that you heard that precious one of yours, it must have been a great relief for both you and Woody.
    San xx

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  9. I'm so happy that you heard your little one's heart beat Jeanette.

    I'm with afteriris, although I haven't been in your particular situation. When I take J back to the hospital, I do find that I feel a strange detatchement. Because if I did start crying, I don't know that I'd be able to stop within a reasonable time period. xo

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