7:07 am

I dreamed about Florence last night. She was dressed in a pretty pastel sleepsuit, and looked so beautiful. I was holding her, I could feel her weight in my arms, but she was sleeping deeply, and was so quiet, she didn't want to feed. Suddenly she was gone, and I was looking for her in a cupboard full of pastel coloured boxes, but all I could find in there were dolls, and doll parts. I couldn't find her, but was frantic because she hadn't had a feed.

It's been a tough week. Wednesday was the inquest. The flashbacks had become more frequent in the run up, and I was feeling pretty low last week, but I also just wanted the inquest over with.

We were not quite sure where we were going. Funny how you can live somewhere for so long and not realise a building you've walked past hundreds of times is a building you might one day visit.

When we arrived, we were met in the waiting room by my lovely midwife, and the paediatrician that treated Florence and has been such a support over the past few months. There was also the pathologist, and another midwife who had come to support my midwife. Friendly faces.

The usher went through his list of attendees. I told him I was Florence's mother. The words caught in my throat and the sobs took over. I hate crying like that, but was soon ok.

We were taken upstairs to the court room. A large Victorian room, with huge windows through which the sound of the very busy road outside could be heard. I couldn't help noticing how the ugly modern office furniture sat so awkwardly in such a large an imposing room.

Woody and I held hands as we listened to the statements from everyone involved. Re living Florence's birth and death over and over from different perspectives. That was hard. I could feel the tears stinging my eyes.

Nothing new was discovered, as expected. We did find out that the staff at our local hospital were advised by the large children's hospital to withdraw treatment at 10.30, but the doctors continued for eight more minutes.

I was also relieved to hear from two statements how Florence was still alive when she was placed in my arms.
She was so very still, I'd never been sure if she'd already gone,but two paediatricians stated that Florence died in my arms. She was safe.

She stayed in mine or Woody's arms all that day.

The final cause of death is recorded as Massive Pulmonary Heamorrhage due to Natural Causes.

We'll ever know what those natural causes were.

Don't be shy, say hello!


  1. For some reason, I was hoping you would get more answers. More of an explanation. I am sorry that this element of uncertainty remains. But it feels comforting to read Florence was with you when she left this place. Sending all my Love your way!

  2. No words today, lots of love to you & your loved ones.

  3. That must have been so hard. Sending my love to you.xxxxx

  4. I am not sure if that makes it better or not for you. I'm guessing, probably not. You are strong Jeanette and, having read your worries, you CAN do this, you ARE doing this for your new baby and, if there is any compensation, the natural causes means it isn't likely to happen twice. Everyone is rooting for this to be easier for you and I hope your new baby will eventually help to partly seal your hole in your heart.

  5. Much love. I'm glad this date is now done and gone. I'm glad you got a bit of comfort from it, knowing Florance slipped away in your loving arms.

  6. Anonymous6:47 pm

    I wish I know what to say or do. Sending you hugs and prayers

  7. What a desperately hard day that must have been and must have taken so much strength to sit and listen to everyone elses account of what happened but as others have said a small, but in my mind real comfort knowing that Florence was in your arms as she died, I know I'd want that too. Much love to you all. xxx

  8. oh Jeanette, I am so sad for you it breaks my heart thinkiong of you losing Florence like that, but at least she was safe in yours and her Daddys arms all day and she would have sensed you those last moments. sending so much love, sorry it has been such a hard week for you, hope to see you soon. will be offline for a copuple of weeks now as moving house, but always thinking of you and sending love and hugs xxx

  9. jeanette
    sending you love and hugs

  10. Thinking of you and Florence x

  11. So sad to read your account of the inquest and also the awful dreams.
    Love and prayers
    San xx

  12. What a difficult day to live through. I am glad you had each other to lean on during this hard time. Sending you big hugs! xx


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