I'm trying, I promise I'm trying. I really want to be optimistic, but I find myself browsing websites for doppler hire and private scans, wondering if I should spend the money we don't have for reassurance...of a kind, and for how long?
I do battle with the old me, the natural home birthing Mama that believes in her body and it's ability to grow and birth a living healthy baby.
I'm just not her anymore, though remnants remain and taunt me.
I look at my shelf of pregnancy books, not daring to open them. I know what they say, I've read them all a hundred times before.I did everything right. Florence's birth was perfect, no drugs, at home, upright, no tearing, no problems and then she died.
This baby will be born in hospital*, I'm not sure how yet. I'm not sure I care. I just want a living one this time please.
* Babies die in hospitals too, and Florence would've died wherever she was born. I'm going to hospital this time for lots of reasons,but mostly because I know I can't do birth at home again, too many memories.