1:43 pm

I'm trying, I promise I'm trying. I really want to be optimistic, but I find myself browsing websites for doppler hire and private scans, wondering if I should spend the money we don't have for reassurance...of a kind, and for how long?
I do battle with the old me, the natural home birthing Mama that believes in her body and it's ability to grow and birth a living healthy baby.
I'm just not her anymore, though remnants remain and taunt me.

I look at my shelf of pregnancy books, not daring to open them. I know what they say, I've read them all a hundred times before.I did everything right. Florence's birth was perfect, no drugs, at home, upright, no tearing, no problems and then she died.

This baby will be born in hospital*, I'm not sure how yet. I'm not sure I care. I just want a living one this time please.

* Babies die in hospitals too, and Florence would've died wherever she was born. I'm going to hospital this time for lots of reasons,but mostly because I know I can't do birth at home again, too many memories.

Don't be shy, say hello!


  1. Bit nervous about saying this - I might be wrong but my understanding from following this blog (i check it everyday and worried when you were absent for a number of days after a post about your wedding anniversary!) is that YOU as a MAMA DID grow a perfect baby.

    Florence Violet was perfect for the baby she was. I actually think this is really important. She was perfect for the person she was.

    Unfortunatly a little bit of something didn't happen the way we expect and so she was unable to fully thrive and live after birth, but she did receive much love from you, your body and her birthing.

    Jeanette - You are perfect for the person you are. And so are each of your wonderful children, all 6 of them, whatever happens.

    typed with love
    rachel spence

  2. Whatever you want is best Jeanette. If it would cause you more worry and tension to be at home, then hopital may be best for you this time round. You know you can birth well. You know it all without re reading the books. Have you thought of trying hypnobabies, or such like? Have you been offered some councilling for this? I know I would need a lot of help to work through those blocking feelings during labour if I was scared of what happened to my baby once out of the womb safety bubble.
    I hope you're happy with whatever way you choose- or happens ;)
    Much love xxx

  3. Oh Jeanette. I'm not there yet but I'm sure I'll be the same. I will be wanting to save up for my own ultrasound machine!
    But these things are just temporary reassurances, my girls had so many scans and so many doctors look at them and they were still born disastrously early.
    Sometimes we can do everything we possibly can right but there are factors which are beyond our control. You did everything right for Florence and, most importantly, you loved her. I can tell how dearly you loved your little girl. Sometimes I think that is all we can actually do, love them and hold our breath and hope and wait. x

  4. Jeanette, it's hard enough after having an early miscarriage to go through the next pregnancy without worry so it's no wonder you have your worries. There are a couple of things that might helps you - one is Buddhism for Mothers. The Buddhist tenet is that suffering exists, when we accept that we live with it better - I'm not expressing it very well but I found acceptance of what had happened was a good start. The other thing you may find helpful is hypnotherapy. Our unconscious mind has so much say in how we live our lives but often we neglect it. A good hypnotherapist will help you to regain faith in your body and to talk to the baby that you're presently carrying. Lots and lots of hugs. H xx

  5. Oh Jeanette, I wish I could take all of your fears away. I have them too my friend, but I must admit, the further along I get in this pregnancy, the less intense they are. I still know there are and endless number of things that can go wong, but I am trying to focus on all the things that WILL be right this time. Sending you peace. xx

  6. I would also second the hypnobirth route - even just the relaxation tapes if nothing else. I can only second what everyone else has said too

  7. Thank you thank you thank you! You guys always come through with such great support and ideas for me. I'm so grateful.
    I do have the hypnobirth cd's, I'm just too afraid to listen to them because I listened to them when pg with Florence and I'm frightened of how they will make me feel.
    I am finding yoga really helpful. I went again last night and it was really good to relax and connect with baby...well try to anyway.

    Thank you everyone, you have no idea how much your support means to me. x

  8. You birth so beautifully, and you will do so again, wherever you make your nest.

    I hear you're fearful of using the cd's, would it be possible to consider going to a practioner for hypnotherapy instead?

  9. I totally get you on this, I wish I could go back to having that faith too. I know next time (if there is one!) it will be very different. The memory of old me, waxing lyrical about home birth, doing everything naturally bla bla bla, I look back and squirm at my arrogance. I suppose it's such a massive paradigm shift that it's hard to get used to?
    Still, I'm sure if your anything like me the cloth nappy addiction will be just the same :D Think happy thoughts xxx


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