Demons and Denial

11:53 am

It's a funny old business this pregnancy after loss thing. Some days my head is spinning with thoughts, and my emotions are in such turmoil, I just don't know if I'm coming or going. I'm starting to think I may have multiple personality issues.

Yesterday was our "dating scan". I've always hated scans, and generally had as few as possible, I had no scans at all with Eden, though I guess that was mostly down to my wonderful Dutch midwives and the Dutch maternity services of the time. (we lived in Holland briefly in 1998).

The only way I can get through certain appointments is to kinda disconnect my emotions from my surroundings and be an observer. That's what I did yesterday. Even the junkie pregnant Mama in the waiting room was just someone to observe, and not even feel anything for, not disgust, or pity, or anything.

We were called into the examination room, the sonographer was kind, gentle and motherly, just what I'd hoped for. There is nothing obvious on my notes identifying me as a dead baby mama, but I think there must be something on my computerised records because something about this lady made me think she knew.

The machine was switched on, and Woody and I both looked for that heartbeat. It was there. Baby was chilled, and grown, and my heart was beating out of my chest.

The dating scan is quick. We were back in the waiting room in no time. We bought one picture.The sonographer gave me a squeeze with her eyes.Then we went to do some grocery shopping.

Later that evening I went to a pregnancy yoga class. A happy place, filled with happy smiley pregnant women, all glowing and bountiful, brim full of hope and joy. I found myself smiling too, even laughing...all the while quieting the demons in my head telling me;

"stop smiling, you are not one of them"

"You are a failure and a fraud"

I partnered a lovely young woman for one excercise, and we chatted. She asked me about my children, and I answered slowly, carefully trying to find the right words, trying not to scare her. I told her I would have a six month old, but she died, and bless her, without skipping a beat she said she was sorry and carried on her bubbly chatter. Maybe I did scare her, I hope not. Just her little sorry meant so much to me.She didn't recoil in horror, she didn't demand I leave the room for fear of contaminating everyone with my dead baby germs. She just chatted to me, and was lovely.

That was the second time this week I've had to tell someone my baby died, it's never easy, and I always feel I've been clumsy and it's come out all wrong. I don't know how to get the words out right,but I can't just gloss over Florence, maybe sometimes I should,but she's my forever baby, she lived, she was real, and I can't ever deny her.

I cried silently in the relaxation part of the class. The teacher was talking us through and having us imagine a rainbow of colours travelling up our spines, to the crown of our head and then down in front of us. My rainbow orb hovered above my belly above my baby that I already love so much, and am terrified of loving. I'm afraid of the intensity of my feelings, I'm so afraid of never getting to hold this little one pink and healthy, but I refuse to let those demons in my head win.

I do deserve to be in that class, my baby does deserve to be loved and wanted, and I'm going to fight those demons with everything I have.

Rainbow Baby 14 weeks 001

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15 comments

  1. Wow Jeanette you are amazing. you are fighting those demons so well!There is a lot to be learned from how you are coping with this, you are amazing and strong and i am totally in awe of you!you are right to not deny Florence she is your forever baby and there is no easy way to tell people something so sad. so happy your scan went well, baby is beautiful and happy. you are not a fraud and a failure!you are beautiful mummy to whom something terrible happened.
    Sending love n admiration from our poorly house! Sam and the girls xxxxx

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  2. Lots of love to you Jeanette. How wonderful that all is well and the scan went uneventfully. You're not a failure or a fraud, something unthinkable happened to you that could have happened to anybody. You're a wonderful mama. Thinking of you. Hope to see you once we're out of quarantine!! xxxx

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  3. i love his/her ultrasound pict. what a sweet little bean. i can only imagine how much of rollercoaster it will be if God blesses me with another pregnancy.but i heard it put this way somewhere that we are going through the stress for "the ultamate grand prize, a screaming baby" and thats how i look at it. i just pray that you can have some measure of peace during this pregnancy mama-

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  4. I agree with everything samandjazzy has written, above. Of course you shouldn't deny Florence. Keep on fighting those demons!

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  5. You should stick with the yoga. It helped me more than anything during labor. You are such a strong woman.

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  6. Happy to hear you went to the yoga class. You deserve to be there. Love the picture! : )

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  7. You are not condemned by what has happened before. You are such a wonderful person. I am moved each time I stop by. x

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  8. Well done for facing those demons Jeanette.
    Hope you continue to enjoy the yoga classes and find new ways to bond with your baby.
    (((hugs)))
    Liz

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  9. I think the second hardest thing after losing our babies is the pregnancy after loss, without doubt. You are doing so well. I hated getting paired up at yoga classes when I was pregnant with Angus. Then, I never went to pregnancy yoga classes, just regular yoga with modified movements. I didn't think I was one of "them" anymore so I didn't want to mix with them. Good on you for braving it and I'm glad that woman didn't run in horror at your story.
    Thinking of you and Florence.
    xo

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  10. Paltry words i know but well done for hanging on in there and having the courage to " do pregnancy type things" for this little one.
    ditto the words from the other commentators you are not a fraud or failure, what happened to you and your lovely family was truly a nightmare but you are stepping out in courage and that takes some doing! Like you say florence will be your forever baby.
    As always thinking of you

    San xxx

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  11. Nice to see the scan picture of your little one! Glad you had such a nice sonographer.

    You aren't a failure. You are such a lovely mama to all your children and have certainly been an inspiration to me, a newcomer to this parenting lark. x

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  12. i am just so very pleased for you

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  13. Jeanete, just want to echo what others have said. That you are an amazing person and mum. Florence has as much right to be spoken about as the rest of your children. So glad the scan went well. I send you strength in pushing away those demons and all my love xxx

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  14. Keep on chasing out those demons. I love the last line of this post :D

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  15. I know you will be able to fight those demons. You are amazing and strong. And you DO belong in that yoga class.
    (((hugs)))

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