I don't even really like Christmas

11:59 am

, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

I think there are things I do like about Christmas.
I like making decorations, and hanging them. I like making and choosing gifts for people I love, and I like being home with my family.

Our second Christmas without Florence. She would be 17 months old today. Maybe she'd have a few little curls at the nape of her neck, and maybe those curls would still have the hint of red I thought I saw when she was born. Would she have green eyes like me? We glimpsed a sliver of blue once, but her colouring was more like mine, so maybe by now they'd be green or hazel like Eden's.
Maybe, I'd have picked out a little dress for her, and tights and shiney shoes...

The sobs choke me, out of nowhere, and then Ernest smiles and he's so irresistably squishable, and my heart aches and melts, the tears of joy and sorrow burn my cheeks.

There's a Florence shaped hole deep inside, and no amount of chocolate or mince pies can fill it, believe me, I've tried. (And that's a post for another day)

Don't be shy, say hello!


  1. I can only imagine how hard it must be to be "celebrating" Christmas without all of your children here with you. My heart and love goes out to you. x

    Some posted a poem on their facebook page which was written by someone called Christine Bevington. I think it's beautiful and hope you don't mind me sharing it with you.

    Christmas Day

    Christmas day without you babe,
    It really can’t seem right,
    The tree seems far less festive,
    ...The fairy lights less bright.

    The tinsel it still sparkles,
    Yet we can’t find the spark,
    That makes Christmas special,
    Because that comes from inside the heart.

    And our hearts are truly broken,
    It’s true we’ll shed a tear,
    Because you’re not here beside us,
    Christmas seems less bright this year,

    The presents all are wrapped now,
    In paper with ribbons too,
    But it all seems so unfair, unjust
    You can’t open the ones to you.

    We will pull the crackers together,
    And the turkey I will cook,
    But we all know someone is missing,
    Our beautiful baby, the heavens took.

    So excuse us for not being merry,
    For it hurts too much to say,
    We miss our gorgeous baby,
    Even more on Christmas day.

  2. This speaks to me...thank you for sharing. Remembering Florence, and sending love to you and your family.

  3. my baby girl's due date was 7/19/09 - she would have been 17 months this christmas too. you express this kind of longing so well - it's so painful. thinking of florence. xo

  4. Oh Jeanette. I'm so sorry that you are missing your little Florence this Christmas. I wish you knew for certain the colour of her hair and of her eyes.

    I seem to be falling into the chocolate and mince pies trap too.


  5. Thinking of you and sweet Florence. The ornament is beautiful. xx

  6. there are no words.........keep strong xx

  7. what a lovely decoration. This year for the first time I was thinking of making decorations for those missing because they left us too early. It's always this time that it hurts the most, at least for me. I didn't manage but there's always next year.

    Hoping you can find some joy at Christmas amidst the grief.

  8. sweetie I am so sorry, as I couldn't give you a hug I sent you all the next best thing...It is a "We are thinking of you all present" (not a Christmas present as we had an agreement about that,) but the other day you seemed so sad in your post, and again today. The purple heart is beautiful, simply beautiful.

    I wish there was more I could do.

  9. The missing just hurts, doesn't it?

  10. I can only imagine how it feels to have one of those holes in your family, so I can only send you my warmest wishes for a peaceful and quiet Christmas without your precious Florence.

  11. thinking of you .. i do often xx

  12. Anonymous10:09 pm

    Hugs Jeannette. The ornament is beautiful. Thinking of you and Florence. Oh and the Christmas Day poem that Nicola posted is just beautiful it spoke volumes to me. xoxo


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