9:45 am

, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

There is a stillness at this time of year that I find unsettling and invigorating in equal measure.
Last year, I was so desperate to hold on to 2009. I was so afraid of losing Florence's year, and although the turning of another year takes her further back in time, I'm not dreading 2011 quite as much as I did 2010.
I think it might seem strange to many that I dreaded 2010 so much when i already knew I was pregnant again. And maybe it seems strange that I'm glad to leave 2010 behind when it was the year our beautiful Ernest was born.
2010 has been exhausting. Grieving one life, while growing another is probably the closest I've come to losing my mind. Follow that up with breastfeeding problems and hospital stays, and then just the general terror of mothering a newborn after a traumatic loss, not to mention trying to mother four growing and grieving older children; I think it's no wonder that these days I find myself walking a very fine line between grief and depression.
I'm not alone I know, with feeling lost with my grief. I'm tired of myself,and am not at all surprised that maybe others are tired of me too.
My grief has changed, I don't get flashbacks so often and so unexpectedly. the grief is burrowing deeper inside, less obvious to everyone else, but always there, always hurting.A relentless ache with no dignity.
All this, unyet I'm so lucky, and don't think for one moment I don't realise how lucky I am.
I'm typing this with Ernest nuzzled into my neck, sleeping on my shoulder. I don't expect him to cure my aching heart, but he's a joy all of his own, and so loved.

Don't be shy, say hello!


  1. Oh wow, you've really nailed it here. Though I'm a year ahead of you on this shitty path of grief, this is precisely where I'm at (so sorry not to offer you much hope for your year ahead, but it doesn't seem to get a great deal better).
    "A relentless ache with no dignity" is absolutely it.
    Love to you, Jeanette. Missing Florence.

  2. I get this. 2009 was my Madelyn's year too, and I hated letting that go. This year was the year for "this time last year" remembrances. Next year I won't have even that, but I feel I'm in such a different place - always missing my daughter, but knowing that this is the path I must walk, and only I can choose to be happy.

  3. "a relentless ache with no dignity"

    sigh... hugs to you

  4. "A relentless ache with no dignity." and so it is, very much so.

  5. Missing Florence and sending big hugs as you walk that fine line. Much love.

  6. a beautiful post and while I am so thankful I didn't have to walk the same babylost journey as you, I very much understand mothering babies and teens. All the while coping with swirling hormones, tiredness and general hecticness of family life! Much Joy to you and yours in 2011 and a big thank you for your blog, lifts me out of my everydayness.......well done for finding the time!!!

  7. You took the words form my mouth Jeanette. last year I was dreading 2010's arrival, I knew I was pregnant with Gigi, but I think that was part of my fear. I'm a little more ready for 2011 I guess, but no matter how full my arms may be, my heart will always have a gaping hole. xx

  8. ((Hugs)) to you! Yes, it is quite difficult to be a grieving mother with a newborn and other grieving children. I have been in your shoes. I read your story on faces of loss and it is quite similar to mine, eerily similar.


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