I've had the urge to tidy today, a little Ernest who doesn't want to nap unless snuggled up with me has meant I haven't really got very far, but I did find these little felted wool heart decorations on my desk, and was reminded that I meant to give them away.
I've added ribbons to hang them since these photos were taken, so you could hang them anywhere.Only one has the "baby" decorations on.
Just leave me a comment, and I'll pick a winner after the weekend. x
There is a stillness at this time of year that I find unsettling and invigorating in equal measure.
Last year, I was so desperate to hold on to 2009. I was so afraid of losing Florence's year, and although the turning of another year takes her further back in time, I'm not dreading 2011 quite as much as I did 2010.
I think it might seem strange to many that I dreaded 2010 so much when i already knew I was pregnant again. And maybe it seems strange that I'm glad to leave 2010 behind when it was the year our beautiful Ernest was born.
2010 has been exhausting. Grieving one life, while growing another is probably the closest I've come to losing my mind. Follow that up with breastfeeding problems and hospital stays, and then just the general terror of mothering a newborn after a traumatic loss, not to mention trying to mother four growing and grieving older children; I think it's no wonder that these days I find myself walking a very fine line between grief and depression.
I'm not alone I know, with feeling lost with my grief. I'm tired of myself,and am not at all surprised that maybe others are tired of me too.
My grief has changed, I don't get flashbacks so often and so unexpectedly. the grief is burrowing deeper inside, less obvious to everyone else, but always there, always hurting.A relentless ache with no dignity.
All this, unyet I'm so lucky, and don't think for one moment I don't realise how lucky I am.
I'm typing this with Ernest nuzzled into my neck, sleeping on my shoulder. I don't expect him to cure my aching heart, but he's a joy all of his own, and so loved.
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Khalil Gibran
Thank you to everyone who has sent us cards and ornaments this year.
I love it when I open a card to see Florence included in some way, and one of my friends managed to even make me chuckle with her card and ponderings on how to include Florence. (I think you know who you are, thank you, you made me smile. I know how you and yours think of Florence often.)
This gorgeous snow globe came from a very special friend, and this is staying up all year round. I give it a little shake every time I pass it and send a little "hello" off into the Universe. Love you Hev. x
This felted ornament was made by another blogger, Sad Kitty as part of the ornament swap organised by Jenny. I love it.
This was such great project to take part in. I enjoyed making the ornament for my swapee, and almost forgot I was going to receive one too. A lovely way to connect with grieving parents around the world, and hopefully pass on a little hope between us all.
This lovely little dove came from another speciial friend, thank you Lisa. x
These hang together with the ornament we bought for Florence this year, a porcelain heart from this seller on Etsy. I also couldn't resist a few little pieces from her for the children's stockings too, check her out.
And of course the ornaments bought, and made, and gifted to us last year.
India said soon, we'll have just Florence ornaments for Christmas.
It goes without saying, (but I will) that we all wish we had more.
Tomorrow, we will take roses and a Christmas balloon to Florence's grave, and we will carry in our hearts all of the babies and families we know who are missing their precious children this Christmas and always.
***
And now for a winner! Using Random.org the chosen winner of the little pinafore is commenter number 6, Just Me.
There are no contact details for you in your profile honey, so I'm really hoping you see this. email me jeanette dot archer at gmail dot com with your contact details and I'll get the dress off in the post after the holidays.
Love and Light to all my readers this Christmas. x
I think there are things I do like about Christmas.
I like making decorations, and hanging them. I like making and choosing gifts for people I love, and I like being home with my family.
Our second Christmas without Florence. She would be 17 months old today. Maybe she'd have a few little curls at the nape of her neck, and maybe those curls would still have the hint of red I thought I saw when she was born. Would she have green eyes like me? We glimpsed a sliver of blue once, but her colouring was more like mine, so maybe by now they'd be green or hazel like Eden's.
Maybe, I'd have picked out a little dress for her, and tights and shiney shoes...
The sobs choke me, out of nowhere, and then Ernest smiles and he's so irresistably squishable, and my heart aches and melts, the tears of joy and sorrow burn my cheeks.
There's a Florence shaped hole deep inside, and no amount of chocolate or mince pies can fill it, believe me, I've tried. (And that's a post for another day)
This time using these fab freebie designs by Jenny at Allsorts. I printed them onto adhesive paper and used them to brighten up this plain tissue paper.
I don't much like gift wrapping. I always have these great ideas in my head, but generally end up with crinkly paper and huge globs of sticky tape.
Then there's the whole waste thing....
Yesterday someone posted this link on one of the forums I use, and I decided to give it a go.
So quick and easy and effective, and most importantly I get these fat quarters of Shade Garden back, cos I used them to wrap Ernest's pressies.
I felt the need to Christmas up Florence's little area in our hallway.
There are six little paper stockings on the tree.
I keep wanting to write more, but I just can't find the right words. x
I've had a lot of practice answering the dreaded "How many children?" question .
Woody hasn't had the practice I've had. I could see the word hovering for a second or two on his lips, and then the sadness as he said "five"
It's just polite dinner conversation, a little light teasing about our family size, all well intentioned.
Everyone knows about Florence, but no one mentions her.
The room gets a little spinney, Woody and I exchange glances, that perhaps no one else sees.
x
There are fewer decorations at the cemetery this year, at least amongst Florence's neighbours. I guess that's just how it goes.
I decided on a little pink tree this year, with sparkly butterflies.
And two little Christmas friends.
Our second Christmas without her. I don't know what to say about that. How many times can I say I miss her, we miss her?
We do. x
I have the next two sizes up ready to go, and hopefully a home for this little bonnet, must knit quicker!
Ernest is mostly worn, but sometimes we use the pram. Winter is well and truly here, and not relishing the idea of spending £85 on the buggy snuggle that fits the Xplory, and not having the time to sew something from scratch, my lovely friend (and thankfully hoarder) Mary sent me over a gorgeous little warm baby nest that fitted perfectly. Only problem was the colour didn't quite work with the purple of the pram. (guess who forgot to take before pics.)
So, using an inexpensive fleece blanket I'd bought from Ikea, initially intending to use it to make India a hoody, I re covered the baby nest and we now have a lovely bright buggy snuggle.
There is still enough fabric left for India's hoody,but she's reluctant to wear anything that matches the pram...oops!
Comment number 14, and excluding deleted comments and comments asked to be ignored that means Angela it's you!
I'm moved to tears once again by everyone who commented and want you all to know that I've clicked through where possible to all of your stories and you and all your sweet babies are in my thoughts this Christmas.
I have four little runners up ornaments I'd like to give away too, and those go to:
Jessica
Michelle HS
Christy
Lea
If you'd all email me your addresses, I'll pop your ornaments in the post .
jeanette dot archer at gmail dot com
x
Today is the first day of 25 Days Of Giveaways, and I'm honoured to be taking part.
My give away is this ornament made especially for a babylost family. The heart is recycled from a felted sweater, on one side is a little heart made up from brightly coloured buttons, and on the other a pocket containing a little scroll for you to write your message of love to your baby or babies.
You can hang this on your Christmas tree or really anywhere in your home, either just for Christmas or year round.
This give away is open to all babyloss parents, all around the world. Just say hello in the comments and I'll use a random number generator to pick a winner tomorrow.
Don't forget to check out Tina's blog too, she's got an Amazing give away.
Click on the link below, or the one over there in my side bar.
