Thursday evening I stood in Hobbycraft staring blankly at the "Wedding Celebration" display trying to decide on the items I needed to make something for Florence's birthday. I knew what I needed, but somehow confronted with all those shelves and surrounded by other shoppers presumably not buying for their dead child, my mind went into a spin, I lost my nerve and very nearly the remnants of my composure.
This year I decided after seeing this on pinterest that I wanted to make Florence's birthday flower bouquet myself.
I'm not great with flowers, but dissapointed by recent bouquets from florists, I thought I could at least give it a try.
I filled my basket with supplies, choked back the tears, and tried not to imagine being several doors down in the toy shop....
Using flowers from the garden and some chosen at the supermarket, I set to work this morning. A knot in my stomach and with trembling hands, so scared I was going to mess this up.
But here it is, it's not perfect I know, but I'm pretty proud of my first ever flower arrangement.
The big girls were inspired and have made their own little arrangements too.
This year I decided after seeing this on pinterest that I wanted to make Florence's birthday flower bouquet myself.
I'm not great with flowers, but dissapointed by recent bouquets from florists, I thought I could at least give it a try.
I filled my basket with supplies, choked back the tears, and tried not to imagine being several doors down in the toy shop....
Using flowers from the garden and some chosen at the supermarket, I set to work this morning. A knot in my stomach and with trembling hands, so scared I was going to mess this up.
But here it is, it's not perfect I know, but I'm pretty proud of my first ever flower arrangement.
The big girls were inspired and have made their own little arrangements too.
Ernest is two! He has had the best day, and just nodded off in my arms saying "Birthday", "Icecreams" "Cake" "Snail", with a gleam in his eyes. This is why...
This little guy could not be loved more. x
Ernest loves strawberries, he's eaten all of the ones from our garden that the slugs and the chickens had left, so today we put on our wellies and our waterproofs and headed off to the fruit farm.
We picked raspberries too.
As usual we seem to be having a wet and dreary summer here in the North West. When there are breaks in the rain we get outside, and even when there are not, puddle jumping anyone?
Yesterday I had planned some outdoors painting with the little ones, but the rain was relentless. Not deterred by this, I rolled back the lounge rug, taped some old wallpaper to the floor, and got the paints out!
The boys had great fun, and after all the excitement, a dunk in the sink, and a snack they both slept for an hour and a half! At the same time!
India and I headed off to a local meadow to take some photos this morning.
A slideshow to the whole Prom Dress saga....
July, the more I look at that word the weirder it looks, just like I still can't write grief or grieving without double checking the spelling.
Almost the end of another school year, I'm longing for the holidays and the break from school runs and routine, wishing July away, but also holding on tight.
I know when July has gone it'll be a whole other year and I'll miss her.
July belongs to three of my babies, but this weariness, this gut wrenching, twisting pain belongs to the missing.
Almost the end of another school year, I'm longing for the holidays and the break from school runs and routine, wishing July away, but also holding on tight.
I know when July has gone it'll be a whole other year and I'll miss her.
July belongs to three of my babies, but this weariness, this gut wrenching, twisting pain belongs to the missing.
India has finally allowed me to post photos of her prom dress!
It wasn't easy getting good photos with all the rush of getting ready and the excitement waiting with her friends for the limo, so India and I have plans for a photoshoot of our own next weekend...watch this space...
Seems to be the weekend for pushing myself out of my comfort zone.
Yesterday, the children and I made a family fingerprint tree Fathers Day card for Woody.
I have seen these in various posts on blogs and of course on Pinterest, and liked the idea, but holding me back was of course, not all of the children's fingerprints could be on there, finally though I just thought "urghhh", and did it anyway....
Woody likes it. x
Last night I had a bath, my first bath in almost three years.
The last time I remember taking a bath, it was a hot day in July 2009, I was huge and hot and achey. I lay in the bath watching my belly shift and move. I remember laughing as Florence stretched her body beneath my skin, and calling to Eden to come and see.
It was funny then, something to tell baby one day.
I've looked back on that day so many times. In my mind I can see Florence so clearly beneath my skin.Was she stretching, or was she thrashing? I don't know. They were big movements, not frantic,but not languid either.
Yesterday my body ached, I was tired and both my big girls were out, the boys and Woody were watching the football, and Ernest was sleeping.
I thought about taking a bath. Woody encouraged me, and said "it's only a bath", "it has nothing to do with Florence".
I tried to decide why I've been so afraid of stepping into a bath, I think initially I was afraid of flashbacks to that hot day in July, but also, I think it seemed too indulgent...much like in those early days when anything normal like eating or sleeping or laughing were impossible...how can anyone do those things when their daughter is dead?
I sat and pondered, and Woody suggested I run a bath, I didn't have to actually get in it.
I started to run the bath, I took some bubbles (shower gel) and a towel from our shower room,down to the family bathroom, and then came back upstairs to the safety of my bedroom, and I pondered a little more, still not sure I would actually get in the bath.
That's when Eden called me from her sleep over. We only chatted for a few moments, but somehow it was enough to distract me. My bath was run, and I got in.
I was ok, no flashbacks,but memories. I didn't find it easy, or particularly relaxing, and I struggled to look down at my belly. I'm not sure I'll be doing it again too soon, but it wasn't awful, and I didn't cry or panic. It was ok.
Maybe there are those of you reading here and thinking this is a strange little post, I kinda think it is too. Who cares if I took a bath? Hardly groundbreaking news is it? And really, it's been almost three years and yet I still keep dropping in these random posts that touch on my grief and life without Florence, except that's really the reason I am posting this.
It's almost three years, if you met me in the street there's very little to give away my story, a sadness in my eyes, a pendant hanging from my neck with a photo of a baby girl, but that's all. I have a brood of beautiful children, I'm laughing and smiling and eating and sleeping and living life, but still there are those little things, not taking a bath, tensing up each time I hear an ambulance siren, being unable to attend a last minute invite to an event that might trigger random flashbacks, being hesitant to take part in small talk with strangers, or worse still people who are not strangers,but not friends either.
Time does ease each of these, it has already. I used to have a panic attack each time I heard a siren, I would have to stop in the street and breath, I would cry and stagger my way home, now I just clench my fists,and my teeth and I keep on going.
The last time I remember taking a bath, it was a hot day in July 2009, I was huge and hot and achey. I lay in the bath watching my belly shift and move. I remember laughing as Florence stretched her body beneath my skin, and calling to Eden to come and see.
It was funny then, something to tell baby one day.
I've looked back on that day so many times. In my mind I can see Florence so clearly beneath my skin.Was she stretching, or was she thrashing? I don't know. They were big movements, not frantic,but not languid either.
Yesterday my body ached, I was tired and both my big girls were out, the boys and Woody were watching the football, and Ernest was sleeping.
I thought about taking a bath. Woody encouraged me, and said "it's only a bath", "it has nothing to do with Florence".
I tried to decide why I've been so afraid of stepping into a bath, I think initially I was afraid of flashbacks to that hot day in July, but also, I think it seemed too indulgent...much like in those early days when anything normal like eating or sleeping or laughing were impossible...how can anyone do those things when their daughter is dead?
I sat and pondered, and Woody suggested I run a bath, I didn't have to actually get in it.
I started to run the bath, I took some bubbles (shower gel) and a towel from our shower room,down to the family bathroom, and then came back upstairs to the safety of my bedroom, and I pondered a little more, still not sure I would actually get in the bath.
That's when Eden called me from her sleep over. We only chatted for a few moments, but somehow it was enough to distract me. My bath was run, and I got in.
I was ok, no flashbacks,but memories. I didn't find it easy, or particularly relaxing, and I struggled to look down at my belly. I'm not sure I'll be doing it again too soon, but it wasn't awful, and I didn't cry or panic. It was ok.
Maybe there are those of you reading here and thinking this is a strange little post, I kinda think it is too. Who cares if I took a bath? Hardly groundbreaking news is it? And really, it's been almost three years and yet I still keep dropping in these random posts that touch on my grief and life without Florence, except that's really the reason I am posting this.
It's almost three years, if you met me in the street there's very little to give away my story, a sadness in my eyes, a pendant hanging from my neck with a photo of a baby girl, but that's all. I have a brood of beautiful children, I'm laughing and smiling and eating and sleeping and living life, but still there are those little things, not taking a bath, tensing up each time I hear an ambulance siren, being unable to attend a last minute invite to an event that might trigger random flashbacks, being hesitant to take part in small talk with strangers, or worse still people who are not strangers,but not friends either.
Time does ease each of these, it has already. I used to have a panic attack each time I heard a siren, I would have to stop in the street and breath, I would cry and stagger my way home, now I just clench my fists,and my teeth and I keep on going.
I bought this fabric several months ago from a vintage fair. It was a pair of curtains, but I adore the print and knew it'd make a lovely skirt.
I used the skirt pieces from the same Colette pattern as my disastrous dress, so this wraps at the back.
I'm really quite pleased with it for a quick make...and no I wouldn't normally wear it with blue tights and red shoes, I was just trying it on when India snapped these photos.
This little skirt makes up for my rubbish start to the day.
Ernest climbed over me at 5.30am grabbed an empty feeding bottle from my bedside table and then hurled it at my head!
I use glass feeding bottles, which believe me are bloomin heavy.
I screamed, and swore, and then locked myself in the bathroom for a good cry.
My head has been aching all day, and my eye is swollen and rather blue, though not quite a full black eye.
Here's a photo for you all, please ignore my shabby eyebrows, I wont be plucking them any time soon, at least not till the swelling goes down.
I used the skirt pieces from the same Colette pattern as my disastrous dress, so this wraps at the back.
I'm really quite pleased with it for a quick make...and no I wouldn't normally wear it with blue tights and red shoes, I was just trying it on when India snapped these photos.
This little skirt makes up for my rubbish start to the day.
Ernest climbed over me at 5.30am grabbed an empty feeding bottle from my bedside table and then hurled it at my head!
I use glass feeding bottles, which believe me are bloomin heavy.
I screamed, and swore, and then locked myself in the bathroom for a good cry.
My head has been aching all day, and my eye is swollen and rather blue, though not quite a full black eye.
Here's a photo for you all, please ignore my shabby eyebrows, I wont be plucking them any time soon, at least not till the swelling goes down.
Half term has meant that I've been able to leave my sewing machine set up all week, and have had more time than usual to catch up with my long list of sewing projects.
This pattern by Colette has been on that list forever!
I cut it out a while ago, and realising I didn't have quite enough pattern fabric, I decided to make one of the back skirts from the same brown silk I'd planned to use for the waist tie. Not ideal I know, but I thought it'd be passable as the skirt that wrapped underneath....
Unfortunately I seemed to have a total brain fart with the skirt, and instead of joining the two silk panels together, I made both back skirts half silk and half pattern, and by the time I'd realised I just didn't fancy unpicking several seams to correct it......
And this is what I'm left with.
I'm so dissapointed in myself. Yesterday with massive limitations on my time I decided to leave it and continue with more pressing items (India's prom dress.), but looking at it again today, I think I just will not be happy until I've unpicked and re sewn the skirts, shame cos I'd really like to wear this today.....
This pattern by Colette has been on that list forever!
I cut it out a while ago, and realising I didn't have quite enough pattern fabric, I decided to make one of the back skirts from the same brown silk I'd planned to use for the waist tie. Not ideal I know, but I thought it'd be passable as the skirt that wrapped underneath....
Unfortunately I seemed to have a total brain fart with the skirt, and instead of joining the two silk panels together, I made both back skirts half silk and half pattern, and by the time I'd realised I just didn't fancy unpicking several seams to correct it......
And this is what I'm left with.
I'm so dissapointed in myself. Yesterday with massive limitations on my time I decided to leave it and continue with more pressing items (India's prom dress.), but looking at it again today, I think I just will not be happy until I've unpicked and re sewn the skirts, shame cos I'd really like to wear this today.....
A very lovely friend is expecting her third child this month and I offered to make her a ring sling.
I adore ring slings, especially for newborns, they are so simple and pretty.
I had a hard time choosing fabric for this sling, it's always tricky to second guess someone elses taste.
I layed out several fabric choices across my bedroom floor and Woody helped me decide.
Eventually, we went with my first choice, this beautifully soft and delicate woven wool from Spindle & Weave which I bought a few months ago from the antique textile fair in Manchester.
I really like the way it's so similar to a traditional baby shawl, and can easily imagine my friend's lovely squishy newborn snuggling in to it.
I, meanwhile had to make do with one of The Sling School's babywearing demo dolls.
I adore ring slings, especially for newborns, they are so simple and pretty.
I had a hard time choosing fabric for this sling, it's always tricky to second guess someone elses taste.
I layed out several fabric choices across my bedroom floor and Woody helped me decide.
Eventually, we went with my first choice, this beautifully soft and delicate woven wool from Spindle & Weave which I bought a few months ago from the antique textile fair in Manchester.
I really like the way it's so similar to a traditional baby shawl, and can easily imagine my friend's lovely squishy newborn snuggling in to it.
I, meanwhile had to make do with one of The Sling School's babywearing demo dolls.
Whatever I think about an American tradition becoming popular over here, (And honestly I'm not sure what I do think about that.) the fact remains that India, like most other 16 year old's will be having a prom this summer, and really it's a jolly good excuse to get dressed up in something pretty.
India and I have been planning her prom dress for quite a while, we've both been pinning ideas for months on pinterest.
India wanted something witha vintage edge to it.
I hadn't wanted to draft a pattern for her, so we decided on a simple pattern that could be easily altered. We chose McCalls M6466
I have ended up changing almost everything, and may well have been better drafting our own pattern after all.
The fit was totally off, and India didn't like the waistband, so I re drafted the bodice completely.
This was our first fitting:
And our second fitting:
Since these photos were taken, I have attached the skirts (they are simply tacked in place here.), and I have hand finished the neck and sleeve edges of the lace.
Next step is to add the zip.
We decided we didn't want to line the skirt, and so I have a lightweight open ended zip meant for eveningwear that I'm going to use in the bodice, and we also have a huge blue petticoat arriving to give the skirts a bit more ooomph!
I could've made a petticoat, but honestly considering the hassle, and the cost of tulle, it made sense to simply buy one.
So, that's it for now, more to come. I've wanted to post these photos for a couple of days, but India wouldn't allow me until now.
India and I have been planning her prom dress for quite a while, we've both been pinning ideas for months on pinterest.
India wanted something witha vintage edge to it.
I hadn't wanted to draft a pattern for her, so we decided on a simple pattern that could be easily altered. We chose McCalls M6466
I have ended up changing almost everything, and may well have been better drafting our own pattern after all.
The fit was totally off, and India didn't like the waistband, so I re drafted the bodice completely.
This was our first fitting:
And our second fitting:
Since these photos were taken, I have attached the skirts (they are simply tacked in place here.), and I have hand finished the neck and sleeve edges of the lace.
Next step is to add the zip.
We decided we didn't want to line the skirt, and so I have a lightweight open ended zip meant for eveningwear that I'm going to use in the bodice, and we also have a huge blue petticoat arriving to give the skirts a bit more ooomph!
I could've made a petticoat, but honestly considering the hassle, and the cost of tulle, it made sense to simply buy one.
So, that's it for now, more to come. I've wanted to post these photos for a couple of days, but India wouldn't allow me until now.
Ten years ago when Angus was born I realised, if I wanted to wear pretty bras and have nursing access I was going to have to do something about it myself. That's when I began experimenting and realised it was so very very easy to alter my regular bras into nursing bras.
I would say though, it's so important to start out with bras that actually fit. So many women wear the wrong size bra, and when you are nursing, the wrong size bra not only makes you look awful it can contribute to blocked ducts and in the worst cases mastitis. A good fitting, supportive bra can make you look 10lbs lighter. So get fitted by someone reputable. Most high street stores are terrible at fitting bras. I can highly recommend Bravissimo for the larger busted ladies out there. Even over the phone they give an excellent service. I've also had good experiences in John Lewis, and if you are lucky enough to have an old fashioned undies shop nearby, make use of them. In my experience they are the best. A good fitter will have no need at all for a tape measure!
I would also suggest that until your breastfeeding relationship and milk supply are well established you stick with the non wired well fitted nursing bras, those early weeks are too important to mess with. (my faves for big boobs are Royce, and Freya...believe me I've tried plenty, and nothing else comes close to these.
So, with your well fitting bra (in my experience full cups work better than balconette or half cups) all picked out, you now need a few supplies, some nursing clips (I salvage them from old bras, ask on freecycle etc. these days people save them for me!), some elastic; underwear elastic is nice and soft, but regular 8 cord elastic will suffice, and some matching thread.
Measure approx 5 cms up the bra strap from the front, and cut.
Thread the clip parts onto the cut straps. This is sometimes a bit tricky because the straps can be a little wide.
Stich the clips in place using a satin stitch or a wide closely spaced zig zag.
You now have a bra with drop cups, but if you used it like this, you would lose the top strap at each nursing.
This is why we add elastic. Thread the elastic through the top clip.
Stich in place, again using a satin stitch.
Now clip together the nursing clip and look to where you will attach the bottom end of the elastic. I usually attach it just past the side seam.
Stitch in place.
And you are done!