10:12 am

I remember reading in Veronika's book The Drinks Are On Me, about her mother nursing after the death of her sibling and being able to taste the grief in her mother's milk. The idea haunted me, and when I was donating my breast milk after Florence died I hoped the babies it went on to feed couldn't taste my grief, but just my love for Florence and my hope that my milk (her milk) would bring those babies the strength it could never bring to Florence.
Last night I was lying in bed watching my tummy, watching baby boy wriggle and kick about, and I wondered, can he taste my sadness in the amniotic fluid? Does he feel the pain in my heart? That pain and memories must be in every cell of my body, and therefore in him?
I guess if he can sense or taste my sadness he can also taste my hope and love for him?
I simply can not reconcile my love and pain for the loss of Florence with my love and hope for baby boy.
Is it possible? I know I will always love all of my children, and Florence is no exception. Baby boy is not a replacement child, he's our child, another child for us to love and care for.
This balancing act of grief, and hope is tortuous.

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  1. i have just been through ivf after the loss of my son harvey and i now am in the 2 week wait with 2 of my beloved embryos in there new home in me. i completely understand what you are talking about. i talk to harvey about all of his brothers and sisters that i had made to help make mummy happy again but not to replace him. and i tell my embies (mary and marvin) all about their big brother harvey and that is all i can do . big hugs , anne xxx

  2. I havent suffered the loss of a baby but like you I have more than one child and as you know, you will always find love & space both in your home and heart for all your children.
    Florence will not be here but your children will always remember all their brothers & sisters.

  3. I found this so hard through Toby's pregnancy too. So much hope, so much pain all blurring into one weepy mess. And, sometimes, it's still hard now. But mostly ... he IS his own sweet self and the absolute and all-consuming devotion I feel for him co-exists surprisingly smoothly alongside the devastation I still about Emma's too short life. The minute he was born it was SO obvious to me that he was no replacement, and I just felt bemused that anyone would think so. What he is, is a joy that counterbalances the pain and the grief.

  4. Thinking of you Jeanette. God this pregnancy after loss business is so, so hard.

  5. I used to wonder about that. I still do. If J could tell that I was so very sad, that I missed her sister so much. Because my grief for her twin has always been there, ever since she was a few days old.
    I hope not. I hope all that they feel is love. The love that belong to each of our children individually and only to them? x

  6. I remember when I was pregnant with Brynn Shawn was made redundant and it was a very tough time (I don't deal with uncertainty well). I remember bawling my eyes out and being very stressed too and wondering if Brynn could feel my sadness and fear.
    Of course your baby boy is not a replacement for Florence. Maybe once you are passed pregnancy and into discovering your little boy the levels will not need to balance and will find their own places?
    I can only imagine how difficult it must be to be pregnant after everything you have gone through. ... But I think it is only natural to feel immense grief and immense hope when looking at your wriggling bump.


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