Time Out?
9:47 amOh how I wish that were possible. Some time out from grief and from worry. Death just doesn't let you take a break.
While I was pregnant with Florence I practiced postive visualisations, I listened to hypnobirthing cd's, and I knew how her birth would be...it was exactly as I'd visualised, in almost every detail. I just forgot to visualise a baby that would live.
I do try to be positive now, but after every positive thought, there is the "if he lives" tag line. I hate myself for it, but sometimes I think I just have to acknowledge those thoughts then let those thoughts go, try not to hold on to them.
I can't visualise baby boy's birth, because I don't know how it will be yet. There are questions over c sections, inductions, swabs, iv antibiotics. All I do know is it will be in my local hospital, my mw has promised to be there, my lovely consultant will be there and Florence's pead will be on alert.
Sometimes I catch myself daydreaming about holding baby boy in my arms, carrying him in a sling, but I stop myself fairly abruptly, because what if....
It's funny the things I can do to prepare, and the things I can't. I figure whatever feels right is right.
I can sew and knit for him, but only those first sizes. I can, and have started to pack a bag for the hospital...though not his things, not yet.
I can't order a new car seat, I can't pull out the crib,and the baby bath, the pram and all that stuff. I can't sort through the teetering pile of slings and hang the wraps ready on the door.
There's one maternity dress I wore last year that I can wear, but many more hung forlorn in the wardrobe that I just can't put on.
I just need a break from this grief and this worry. I just wish I could join in the normal pregnant Mama chatter, that I didn't flinch everytime someone glances at my bump, or have to stop myself from cradling my bump in public.
The other day while waiting at the pedestrian crossing I saw someone I vaguely know glancing sideways at my bump. I braced myself, but also reminded myself of this sketch from an old tv show, and had an internal giggle. This either proves I still have a sense of humour or else I've truly lost the plot completely!
8 comments
I really empathise with this post (i don't like to say understand, because i'm not sure i understand anything any more); only i have already done it. I did all those things while i was pregnant with Freddie. And i have no idea why or what was telling me to be worried. Something was.
ReplyDeleteNow of course i know that if i do it again i will do all these things again anyway and it won't mean anything about the health of that baby, it will be what you are doing - worrying ceaselessly and having no idea if you have good reason to or not. Other than the very good reason which has already happened which means you have no choice but to worry.
Argh. I'm never very eloquent in comment boxes.
No, Merry, I get it I do. I had a feeling with Florence. I even spoke of it to one friend, and to Woody,my instincts were screaming, and yet I had no logical reasoning.
ReplyDeleteThis time, I honestly don't have that instinct, but I have the experience and the knowledge now that I didn't have before.x
i am sure what you are feeling would be perfectly normal, i love the poem you were sent and i love love love smack the pony, thanks for the link and the laugh. i hope you are just a little bit mad, i find most of my friends these days tend to be that way and i love them dearly for it haha xxx
ReplyDeleteThat clip made me chuckle. I totally understand that you can't take anything for granted.Through witnessing everything which has happened this past year- it's certainly taught me not to assume all will be well, no matter how many tests etc. the hospital carries out. And if I feel that, I can't imagine how many times that is multiplied for you.
ReplyDeleteI should tell you some of the things that have had me in total hysterics at the hardest or darkest times.;)
I just been reading a book on traditional pregnancy and labour and in many cultures, new borns aren't considered human until so many days old. When I think of yours and others anguish, I can see why this would be.
Much love xx
I did all that with Emma too - and pushed deep down inside the feeling I had that this baby wouldn't make it ... until she didn't.
ReplyDeleteLike you, I was much more circumspect. People would ask us where this baby was going sleep - and we'd look blankly at them because why worry about something that might not ever happen anyway? I used to chant to myself, "Hope doesn't make bad things happen."
I LOVED the sketch - made me laugh out loud. Thank you for the giggle.
Aw I miss Smack the Pony! That was a funny show (and a lovely sketch).
ReplyDeleteOh Jeanette, I know that I can't really understand. I wish I could grant you the break that you need, I can only imagine how exhausting it is. Hope, grief, fear, happiness, gratitude, anger. Everything. All at once.
I can only add my voice to Jill's "Hope doesn't make bad things happen." Because it doesn't. Truly. Much love xo
Jeanette, Merry, I love ya both. You've each been a part of my online life for years n years now, and I wish there was something I could do or say to put what you're going through into perspective, or to help comfort you, or just help, in any way I can. Tis a fruitless wish, I know.
ReplyDeleteI think it's important that you just keep talking. Make use of this outlet to express what you're thinking, cos you never know what kind of feedback you'll get that just might resonate with you and give you comfort.
Everything that each of you has written has been understood. All these details that you share, we get, we wonder how you'll manage, how any of us would manage, even before you express these thoughts. We wonder, and we hope that you'll do fine, that you'll cope, that you'll find a way, that it won't hurt to the point of absolute and utter immobility. You have moments, we know you do, but we pray you feel held in all our hopes for you, and you amaze us with your strength, and inspire us with your love and ability to continue to care for your familys. You are brilliant, bright and shiny ladies. I wish you love and comfort and freedom from grief and I wish you smiles and no tears XXXXXXX
TMO - thank you :)
ReplyDeleteAnd Jeanette, that is very comforting. I thought i was going mad and it is good to have some understanding that i wasn't.
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