Time Out?9:47 am
Oh how I wish that were possible. Some time out from grief and from worry. Death just doesn't let you take a break.
While I was pregnant with Florence I practiced postive visualisations, I listened to hypnobirthing cd's, and I knew how her birth would be...it was exactly as I'd visualised, in almost every detail. I just forgot to visualise a baby that would live.
I do try to be positive now, but after every positive thought, there is the "if he lives" tag line. I hate myself for it, but sometimes I think I just have to acknowledge those thoughts then let those thoughts go, try not to hold on to them.
I can't visualise baby boy's birth, because I don't know how it will be yet. There are questions over c sections, inductions, swabs, iv antibiotics. All I do know is it will be in my local hospital, my mw has promised to be there, my lovely consultant will be there and Florence's pead will be on alert.
Sometimes I catch myself daydreaming about holding baby boy in my arms, carrying him in a sling, but I stop myself fairly abruptly, because what if....
It's funny the things I can do to prepare, and the things I can't. I figure whatever feels right is right.
I can sew and knit for him, but only those first sizes. I can, and have started to pack a bag for the hospital...though not his things, not yet.
I can't order a new car seat, I can't pull out the crib,and the baby bath, the pram and all that stuff. I can't sort through the teetering pile of slings and hang the wraps ready on the door.
There's one maternity dress I wore last year that I can wear, but many more hung forlorn in the wardrobe that I just can't put on.
I just need a break from this grief and this worry. I just wish I could join in the normal pregnant Mama chatter, that I didn't flinch everytime someone glances at my bump, or have to stop myself from cradling my bump in public.
The other day while waiting at the pedestrian crossing I saw someone I vaguely know glancing sideways at my bump. I braced myself, but also reminded myself of this sketch from an old tv show, and had an internal giggle. This either proves I still have a sense of humour or else I've truly lost the plot completely!