More Outfits

2:56 pm

, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

This one was made when I was pregnant with Florence.
Ernest is snoozing in it right now, and I know sensibly I should join him for forty winks, especially since I've been awake since 4am.
I've lost count of the people this week who have asked me if he's a "good baby" or if he's "sleeping through". I never know quite what to say.I usually just mutter something about not expecting an eight week old baby to be sleeping much at all at night.
I don't say what I'm thinking, which is that a years worth of insomnia and nights filled with terrifying flashbacks have prepared me pretty well for sleepless nights with a baby.
Actually, the exhaustion of looking after baby, and of course having him living breathing in my arms have stopped a lot of the middle of the night flashbacks.
These days, I get unexpected little snapshots instead. Sometimes it's his feet, I'm instantly transported back, unwrapping Florence's legs, desperate to see all of her. Or a glint of blue eyes, and there she is on the table, a hint of blue peeking out before the morphine shut them tight again.
Ernest is so very definitely not Florence. He doesn't look like her, not really, he looks like her brother.

I think I find myself wondering how much longer everyone will tolerate my constant referrals to Florence. I've noticed others who have trodden this path with their rainbow babies wondering the same. A year and a new baby, maybe I should just shut up, be more discreet with my grief, just stop going on, keep it in?

Don't be shy, say hello!


  1. Nah Chick, let it all out. You'll know when it's 'enough'...and that's that could be a long way off yet. There's nothing wrong with talking about Florance. She's still your baby..just not in this world.
    That owls outfit is adorable.

  2. Please keep talking about Florence. Don't stop, until you want to. But I'm guessing that will be never.

    I won't lie, people will forget about her. But the people that matter, they won't forget, they will always remember.

    She's a beautiful angel, up with all the other angels, too precious to stay, gone far too soon. Just because you have your gorgeous baby boy doesn't mean Florence was any less gorgeous, or any less precious.

  3. Grief is in the eye of the beholder darling, and should never prematurely ended - I know we'd all love to hear what you have to share *hug*

  4. Love the outfit shots...keep 'em coming. And Florence is forever a part of your life and vocabulary. I think as long as the thoughts are there, you should give them space to be heard. If people don't want to hear it, then they don't honestly want to hear about your life. Sending love.

  5. Absolutely not. You should never have to squelch your memories, or thoughts, related to your precious Florence. Keep sharing her.

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  7. (Oops typo!)
    Don't ever, ever think you need to hold back talking about Florence! She is just as much a part of our family as anyone else. She just isn't here with us in person, only in our hearts and memories and talking about her keeps her closer.
    Love and hugs XXxxxxxx

  8. Please keep talking about Florence, she is your baby girl and deserves to be talked about for as long as you want to do so

    Love the latest outfit. I really like clothes with owls on!

  9. Please don't ever stop speaking of Florence. Just as you would never stop speaking of your other children. Speaking of her, thinking of her, it keeps her memory alive. For everyone.

  10. I would love to get to know more about the rest of you and your other children BUT I would also would never want or expect you to ever stop talking about Florence. You do what you need to do.

  11. Don't ever shut up Jeanette and please don't let anyone think you should.

  12. It doesn't matter what people think. What matters is how you are with all that has gone on. One thing is for sure if you deny your feelings and bottle them up. it will come out in other ways, usually health irritations and so on. We are not just physical bodies, we are also mind and spirit.
    Be kind to yourself
    San x

  13. Absolutely do not hold anything in!!

  14. I don't know if you've seen janis' post on a related issue - I think her response to the "grief-phobia" is really good: (

    She makes the point that grief and love are connected. People don't like being reminded that they will one day have to grieve the ones they love, but that isn't your fault. I'd hope that good friends would realise that Florence is your daughter and will be part of your life forever, and your love and grief for her is a part of you.

    You've also had a big dose of trauma - that can take a long time to settle. (I know that for me the grief and trauma are still so inter-tangled)

    Beautiful owls by the way - and very impressive sewing skills. I've just been having fights with my sewing machine and everything I make looks snarly as a result.


  15. hi jeanette, love the outfit, i am getting inspired i can feel it coming.... i have also just been reading about secondary grief about howother events can keep loss continuing throughout your life. especially the loss of a child, all other events that remind you that your child (florence) is not there and ought to be. i saw the same pram as i have the other day in the city. it had been adapted so a toddler could sit in the bottom and a new born could be in the top. it floored me completely. that was the first experience of realising harvey wasn't going to be part of my new family and should be. and i know now that this will continue throughout my life as it will with you and florence. maybe others will get this, maybe they won't, we will though and that is what matters, sending love xxx anne

  16. Ernest looks gorgeous in the owls, lovely outfit. Please don't try to hold in your feelings about Florence, she is a part of your family and your life even though she isn't with us. You should carry on talking about her and grieving for her until *you* no longer feel the need to do so and nobody can tell you how long that will be. There's no right or wrong time to stop hun, even though you have Ernest you still miss and want your baby girl and anyone with an ounce of compassion should be able to understand that.

  17. Please don't stop. If there was no other reason in the world to talk of her, talk of her for those of us who need to hear that it is always okay to talk of them all.

  18. life is as much about the out-breath as the in-breath
    (((hugs))) not talking about Florence would be as alien as not talking about Ernest


    I don't understand the good baby questions either

  19. I will never understand why the measure of a 'good' baby is how much it sleeps at night. Blame it on all the baby manuals people read nowadays.
    Ernest is just gorgeous, as are his outfits.
    And I agree with everyone else who's commented - of course you should talk about Florence.

  20. I HATE the "good baby" question. I always have to bite back the comment that no matter how wakeful Toby is (and he is!) that's better than not being woken at all :(

    I find needing to blog, needing to share, goes in cycles. Right now, approaching her second birthday - no? how can it have been two years? - the urge to share my daughter is so strong and yet I feel somehow wordless. Very frustrating.

    The more we talk, the more we break the taboos.

  21. keep talking, it's healing and it's your space xx

  22. Thank you for sharing! Keep talking about Florence, she will always be a part of your family. I hate the 'good baby' question, is a crying baby 'bad' because they just have more to say? Love the outfit, you can never go wrong with owl fabric! :)

  23. Awww. Lovely clothes as ever. And he's such a gorgeous boy!!

    I was brought up by a woman who was encouraged not to talk about her dead son. She rarely mentioned him, just focussed on her stiff upper lip. As a result, I know next to nothing about my brother. I suspect Mum has had some kind of post natal depression, or PTSD ever since. She has greeted the births of all her grandchildren with varying degrees of oddness, and is a very unhappy woman.

    Your way is so much better! (((hugs)))

  24. He is gorgeous, as are his outfits.

    Don't think you shouldn't talk about Florence. Talk as much or a little as you need.


  25. Anonymous8:45 pm

    My aunt lost her daughter a few hours after birth. This was 44 years ago and she still talks about her. You will never forget Florence and you shouldn´t feel like you´re bothering people because you´re talking about her. She is your daughter and always will, everyone talks about their children why not you?
    PS I love your clothes, btw.

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