It was just a little cardigan

12:04 pm

Weekends in a large family can be fun, but most often I'm afraid to admit, I allow them to disintegrate into two days of cleaning, laundry and preparing for the week ahead. I should try to remember to have more fun at weekends, even if it's only a stroll to the park.
On Sunday in my mad dash around the house, trying and failing to create order, and only managing to annoy myself, I spotted a little multicoloured ball of fluff on the laundry airer. Somehow one of Ernest's little cardigans had got mixed up in the regular laundry and had felted and shrunk into a tightly wadded mass.At first I was cross, and I yelled, and then the frustration turned to ugly angry gulping sobs that shook my whole body and I lay on the bathroom floor (against the door so no one could come in)trying to stop them, but to no avail.
The cardigan was one I knitted for Florence, I told myself that was why I was crying, but I'm not sure that was it at all.

I'm not an angry person, neither is Woody, and I don't think either of us have been angry about Florence's death.Yeah, sure we've had flashes of annoyance, been faced with some stupid comments, some ignorance, but we've neither of us got really steaming mad.
There's no one to get mad at. We had excellent care before, during and after Florence's birth, and even the coroner who let us down on a few points hasn't made us angry, not really truly angry.

I was frightened by my reaction on Sunday. Lately I've been having dreams where I am hitting out at someone/something unknown.

I guess there is some anger there.
I guess if I really push myself I can admit that actually ,yes I am angry. I'm angry that other people get to keep their children, I'm jealous...but even as I type those words, I'm reasoning myself out of the feeling. After all it does no good.
And so I pull myself together again, just like I did on Sunday. I stifle the sobs that threaten to never stop if I allow then free rein, and I carry on.
There's nothing else to do, and it's what's expected, after all it's been almost 18 months and I have my beautiful Ernest sleeping against my chest. I should just be grateful.

Meanwhile, (and this is probably the kind of anecdote most people want to read on here.)browsing through a children's catalogue this morning, (I like looking at pretty pictures) I spotted little Beatrice Bunny sitting atop a pile of bedding. Little Beatrice who guarded Florence's grave, who was almost stolen away for good by dogs, but brought home and washed and now sits in Florence's memory box.
She's just a little toy, thousands of them exist I'm sure, but seeing her there in the catalogue made me think of Florence, and made me smile.

Beatrice Bunny

I want my little girl here. I don't want her bunny in a memory box, but dragging behind her, clasped by the ears in her chubby little just is so fucking shit.

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  1. This just breaks my heart. Big, big hugs to you!

  2. Delurking to say this is a brilliant post. Heartbreaking as L&L said. You are right. Being angry does no good. But like the Devil, it will have it's due, won't it?

    D was here. Listening.

  3. totally agree an amazing post; heartbreaking and so real. So hard to fit in the fun times sometimes....

  4. you are right. it is fucking shit and not at all how it should be. sending love. xo

  5. it is fucking shit. In fact, its much worse than even words can say. And so, rather feebly, I once again send you virtual hugs and tell you I am thinking of you.

  6. *sigh* sorry about the sweater, and the anger, and grief. thinking of you dear. xoxo

  7. sorry. really I am, and like everyone else i'm sending you lots of virtual hugs and understanding for all of it.

  8. I am surprised at the things that trigger my grief, they are often such little things. I guess that's why they catch me off guard...

    SO sorry about the sweater and for the sting of missing your precious Florence, for the anger and all the pain. It's it so very hard. *sigh*

    Thank you for your honesty and your bravery in sharing your daily struggles with the beast we call grief.

    Sending hugs your way.

  9. It really is :(

    have just written a post that touches on anger. I'm very aware I have some of it bubbling up in me at one person who cared for Freddie and I don't know what to do about it.

    And I've just told a family member (actually... two!) to get out and stay out of my life. So yes, I have anger.

    And even when it releases emotions, it is so bloody crap because it solves absolutely noting.

  10. So sorry, wish I could help...I think of you all so often...wish so many things were different x

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  12. oh honey (((hugs)))

  13. I think anger is ok. It is healthy. You need to process it. I have been angry and in some ways still am. I have people who let us down in our pregnancy I can direct it at. As long as I'm in control of it and don't let it overwhelm me, I just accept it is a natural part of this shitty process. Try not be too hard on yourself. I would have been really upset about the cardigan as well.
    Love to you, Jeanette.

  14. I can't say how heartbreaking I find your loss, Florence has touched many lives and I have to admit to crying every time I read your blogs about her.

  15. It is so fucking shit, it is.

    That bunny is adorable, beautiful, and heartbreaking all at once.

  16. Although I have no comprehention of what it must be like to be you.. I do know that I would be angry. Very angry. So angry it would scare me. Even if no one were to blame but the universe. An anger that would eat me up unless I could let it go.
    But like Palemother says.. being angry does no good. I think sometimes it just has to happen. I wish it hapenned less .. to all of us. What ever the reason.

  17. I cried at your last paragraph.
    when you write about your sadness and grief, all I wish is that there was something one of us could do to make it better, to take the pain away from you. And nobody, nobody can. I can send virtual hugs and tell you I'm thinking of you (and believe me, I do - so often - and not just in relation to Florence but in so many other ways too), and I'm sure it helps, but it still doesn't take the pain away. I wish we could.

  18. Aw i'm so sorry to hear about the cardigan - you don't need me to tell you it's all that it symbolises......dashed dreams, heartfelt imaginings so not just a a wee cardie but a solid tangible thing that is Florence for you.
    It is funny how one can invest so much in 'things' given we have no child to invest that love in, its only natural we need subsitutes. My lovely Pug bought me a heart shaped 'pain pillow' to take when we went into have Alfie (little did I know how much PAIN that wee pillow would be taking) - I clung to it at night for weeks after Alfie died.

    As for SHIT, it's what I said to people when I met them, everyone said the usual sorry reply was 'yeah its shit', life can just be 'shit'.

    Pug and I are not angry people either, in fact we were hardly angry nor had anyone, or thing to be angry about other than raging against the universe, and what bloody good does that do?
    I do find myself angry now on behalf of others - I am on the local committee of sands and spend tons of energy trying to make subsequent pg care better for others - so I suppose that anger is chanelled.

    Hoping your week is improving?
    c xxx

  19. Heartbreaking post but something I definitely can understand. Super big hugs for you

  20. It is fucking shit mamma... I totally agree.
    love and light...

  21. Why wouldn't you be be angry? You have every right to be angry about what happened and you don't need someone to be angry at.
    Really sucks about the jumper though, could you make a piece of felted jewellery or something out of it, a little phoenix from the ashes?

  22. heartbreaking :( that last sentence got me sobbing. It is so cruel and sad that Florences' rabbit is not grubby and dog eared from being dragged behind a toddling little girl and played with lovingly. It should be and it is just shit!
    sorry about the cardigan, the idea about making felted jewellery from it was a good one though. Hope you can salvage it and it eases the frustration a bit.
    sending love and light and hugs to you all xxx

  23. it is shit, its like having it in your mouth all the time. my love

  24. I'm so sorry about the sweater. :(
    And I understand the pull to just be grateful, after all, I've got hubby and my daughter, but at the same time it is just shit that my boy, and your girl, aren't here. xx


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