Christmas Eve

7:28 am

I don't believe in fate, I don't believe things "happen for a reason", maybe I did once.I'm not at all offended by those that do, but for me to believe in fate or in reasons would imply divine intervention, and I definitely don't believe in that.
I guess I believe the universe exists in all it's randomness, and complexity and chaos, and we are just part of it. (And I know for many many people that's exactly why they do believe in divinity.)

Florence, like all of us came into being from two tiny cells, to paraphrase her paediatrician,it's really amazing that the creation of human life goes as well as it does so often.

What I do know is that Florence was loved for the 40 weeks and 3 days she was in my womb, for the 6 hours she lived, for the forgotten number of hours we held and cared for her body, and for always and forever. She is our fifth child, and our children's little sister, and always a part of our family. Always missed. Always loved.

I accept that she is gone, I don't understand it, and I will always wish it otherwise. I will always ache to hold her, and I continue to cry every day.

The post mortem didn't give us the answers we perhaps hoped for,but it did give us some answers, and threw up more questions, I'm not certain they ever do otherwise?

As, I often do, I'm rambling on, making little sense, and most probably confusing those I love who read this blog. I'm sorry.

I'm also so thankful, thankful for all the kind and thoughtful comments left on my last post, for all the emails and phone calls, and for all the love that has come this way over the past five months. You are all wonderful.

Today we are baking Christmas cookies to take to Florence, where they will feed the birds, unless the local foxes get them first!

Don't be shy, say hello!


  1. Oh you ramble away. You've made such good progress with your pain in such a short pain of time! I'm thinking of all of you often.

    I think we all believe rather different things - even those of us who believe in the same thing probably process it slightly differently. What's important is that you can make some way of accommodating what has happened to your precious little girl, without causing you any further pain.

    Big ((((hugs))) to you and hubby and the children.

  2. Remembering and missing your sweet Florence with you this Christmas. Wishing things were so different for you all.

  3. Lots of love to you all, Jeanette.

  4. Definately ramble away Jeanette. I still think of you everyday and send you all love xxx

  5. have a peaceful time with your dear children today

  6. Thats a wonderful idea to take Florence cookies. I might take a few of the cakes we're baking today for Isabella too.
    Have a good Christmas xxx

  7. What a beautiful Idea! You don't ramble. You say it like it is and speak from your heart, and that is the only sense there is. Have a wonderful Christmas with Andrew and your beautiful children.

    It filled me with such Joy and Pride in your strength to read you acknowledging that Florence was as loved as she was. In her oh too short life she had as much love and acceptance as is ever possible.

    I wish things had ended differently, but I know in my heart that she had the best life she could while she was with you and that she felt and experienced all that love as she grew. Now who's rambling!

    Hugs and Kisses to you all from us all

  8. You're not rambling Jeanette.
    Love to all of you this Christmas

  9. I don't find it remotely rambly, rather eloquent and deeply sad, but never rambly.

    I wish you peace and strength to you all this Christmas, Jeanette.

  10. Remembering your sweet Florence with you this holiday season. xx

  11. Definitely not rambling, heartfelt and eloquent. Wishing you all a peaceful christmas xxx

  12. Whatever anyone believes, they can't possibly believe that the death of a baby/child can "happen for a reason".

    I hope that you and your family have the happiest Christmas you can. x

  13. I wouldn't say you were rambling at all Jeanette, rather still trying to make sense of something so senseless as the death of a hugely loved child. Your strength to continue shines through your pain and grief and for that you never cease to amaze me.
    Florence will always be a part of your lives as she is a part of everyone elses life she's touched even if it's just through knowing you and your family.
    Be gentle with yourself over Christmas. I know it's going to be unbelievably hard and shit. Remember there are lots of people out there who love you and your family and think about you every day.
    Love Lizzy xxx

  14. what a wonderful way to remember your sweet precious babe. nothing will ever take away the pain and even though I do have a faith, there are things in life that I often cannot fathom!
    one thing you can be assured of is much love and hugs winging its way to you in cyber space on this Christmas Day.
    San xxx

  15. The whole premise that 'things happen for a reason' is really ridiculous. I do believe in God, but I don't believe he micromanages our every moment. I sometimes experience peaceful events that would not have occurred if E had lived, but I can't say that that is the 'reason' E died. Perhaps people really mean to say that you will still feel some peace one day, despite Florence/E dying. But if they really think everything has a reason, they are wrong.

    Peace, my friend.


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