For everyone who reads this blog, wishing you peace and happiness for 2013.
This candle is lit along with many others in memory of my beautiful baby girl.
I haven't cried this Christmas sweetheart, but I've missed you every second.
Special love to all those reading missing someone they love.
Always remembering Florence Violet x
I'm clearing out older stock to make way for fresh new spring stock, so go grab a bargain, lots down to half price, and you can still use code FLOSS12 to get a further 15% off.
Sometimes, what we need is the calmness of somewhere beautiful to brighten the spirit.
Have you missed me?
I have been rather quiet. I've been busy of course, and I had a bit of a health scare that knocked me kinda sideways.
All is ok now, it was thankfully just doctors being uber cautious. I am so grateful for our National Health Service, and especially the Nightingale Genesis Prevention Centre at the University Hospital South Manchester.
I'm now the proud owner of a teeny (3mm) titanium bow in my booby, but apparently that wont ring any alarms at airports.
Christmas is almost upon us, or here already I guess with this being Christmas Eve. I don't really make Christmas gifts any more. This year though I have made two gifts, only one I can actually talk about here for now though, and that's because it didn't quite work out!
Woody and I rarely buy each other Christmas gifts, and certainly not in the past three years. What we really want for Christmas no one can give us.
This year though I thought I would knit him a hat. I decided to use Kat's fab pattern for the North Sea hat. a great easy to follow pattern, and I really loved learning the herringbone pattern.
Unfortunately I shopped for yarn in a hurry, didn't get quite the right yarn, and didn't watch my guage closely enough. This might not have been a problem except Woody has a large head, larger than average.
When the hat was complete I realised it wasn't going to fit him, and I was right. I risked ruining the surprise and asked him to try it on. He couldn't even get it past the top of his head.
The good news though is that it fits Eden beautifully as a more slouchy hat. She asked for a pom pom, I obliged and she is now the owner of rather a smart, and very warm winter hat.
I've also been busy the past few days organising a fundraising trek for a little rag doll friend of mine.
You can read all about that here
And now I need to get off the PC and clean my bathroom, I don't want Father Christmas to see my grubby clothes all over the floor!
Merry Christmas, thinking of all those missing again this year, and wishing peace for all. x
I have been rather quiet. I've been busy of course, and I had a bit of a health scare that knocked me kinda sideways.
All is ok now, it was thankfully just doctors being uber cautious. I am so grateful for our National Health Service, and especially the Nightingale Genesis Prevention Centre at the University Hospital South Manchester.
I'm now the proud owner of a teeny (3mm) titanium bow in my booby, but apparently that wont ring any alarms at airports.
Christmas is almost upon us, or here already I guess with this being Christmas Eve. I don't really make Christmas gifts any more. This year though I have made two gifts, only one I can actually talk about here for now though, and that's because it didn't quite work out!
Woody and I rarely buy each other Christmas gifts, and certainly not in the past three years. What we really want for Christmas no one can give us.
This year though I thought I would knit him a hat. I decided to use Kat's fab pattern for the North Sea hat. a great easy to follow pattern, and I really loved learning the herringbone pattern.
Unfortunately I shopped for yarn in a hurry, didn't get quite the right yarn, and didn't watch my guage closely enough. This might not have been a problem except Woody has a large head, larger than average.
When the hat was complete I realised it wasn't going to fit him, and I was right. I risked ruining the surprise and asked him to try it on. He couldn't even get it past the top of his head.
The good news though is that it fits Eden beautifully as a more slouchy hat. She asked for a pom pom, I obliged and she is now the owner of rather a smart, and very warm winter hat.
I've also been busy the past few days organising a fundraising trek for a little rag doll friend of mine.
You can read all about that here
And now I need to get off the PC and clean my bathroom, I don't want Father Christmas to see my grubby clothes all over the floor!
Merry Christmas, thinking of all those missing again this year, and wishing peace for all. x
I've also got a basket full of bunnies to take along. Vintage cotton and organic cotton bunnies, great stocking fillers.
Maybe I'll see some of my local readers there. (and if not, don't forget there's 15% off in my Etsy store just by quoting the code FLOSS12 at the checkout.)
I'm currently offering 15% off all orders over at my Etsy store when you use code FLOSS12 at the checkout.
Lots of gorgeous party dresses, little wrap scrap slippers, cosy trousers and dungarees and special occasion gowns.
It's been three years since we last holidayed in Cornwall.
October 2009, we borrowed a friend's daughter and took six children to a caravan in Northern Cornwall.
Our hearts were so broken then, just three months out from Florence's birth. I was still carrying her with me, could still feel the weight of her on my left shoulder. I don't feel that anymore.
That was the first time we visited Trebarwith Strand
October 2009, we borrowed a friend's daughter and took six children to a caravan in Northern Cornwall.
Our hearts were so broken then, just three months out from Florence's birth. I was still carrying her with me, could still feel the weight of her on my left shoulder. I don't feel that anymore.
That was the first time we visited Trebarwith Strand
We headed straight back there on Tuesday morning.
There are some places that just have an overwhelming sense of calm. This is one of them.
Standing on the sand after picking our way across the rocks and being buffeted by the cold wind, there was simply a warmth, a pretective hug from the coastline.
I felt tears stinging my eyes. I felt like I was returning to a place I'd taken Florence, I could almost feel the weight of her again. Of course she never really went there.
Yesterday, the last day of our short holiday we went back.
Ernest had fallen asleep in the car, it was stormy and dark, lashing rain and wind, but the older children and I decided to brave the beach once more.
The skies cleared, the sun shone, the sea was wild, and bright green, still warm the sea turned to mist as each wave crashed onto the sand, and met the cold November air.
Again I felt that familiar warmth, and for a moment I closed my eyes, let the sun warm my face, while the wind also blew, and I could hear the crashing of the sea.
Again I felt the tears stinging my eyes, and I whispered a little "hello" to my Florence, and a "Goodbye" to the sea.
Catching up. I've been in Cornwall for the final part of this project. I took my photos as usual, but technical difficulties and an unreliable internet connection meant I could only use my phone to take photos and then upload them while out and about....Tesco's carpark had a good signal!
I'm home now, and although I did post my phone pics, I'm going to finish off this project by posting the photos from my camera.
Tell The World.
Forever sums it up really. Florence is gone forever, she will be missed forever, she is loved forever, and I am forever changed , forever.
Sunset 
This was hard. Wednesday was grey, grey grey. The sky was just clouds. Eden and I wandered about the holiday park we were staying in, hoping to find an interesting view at least.It was pouring with rain, and cold. We trudged across frields, through soggy leaves, and suddenly it was almost dark. The streetlamp had to stand in for the lack of a sun.
Music
I have written before about the songs that link in my mind to Florence. There are several that can stop me in my tracks, Take That's, Rule The World, Snow Patrol's Run, Cat Stevens How Can I Tell You.
This track though was the one I played over and over during the Summer of 2009, it seemed to fit so well with my feelings then of being worthless, dead inside, lost and ashamed.When I listen to it now those feelings can still surface. I think they've changed now, or at least softened, but the song is still powerful and can bring me to my knees.
Woody doesn't like this version, he prefers it without the shouty vocals, but I like them, I like the intensity and desperation.
I have written before about the songs that link in my mind to Florence. There are several that can stop me in my tracks, Take That's, Rule The World, Snow Patrol's Run, Cat Stevens How Can I Tell You.
This track though was the one I played over and over during the Summer of 2009, it seemed to fit so well with my feelings then of being worthless, dead inside, lost and ashamed.When I listen to it now those feelings can still surface. I think they've changed now, or at least softened, but the song is still powerful and can bring me to my knees.
Woody doesn't like this version, he prefers it without the shouty vocals, but I like them, I like the intensity and desperation.
Memory.
Today is about sharing a significant memory, negative or positive.
I'm not ready to share my most significant memories, those are the ones that most haunt me at 3am. I've never even spoken to Woody about them. I don't think I will ever share them, despite a small part of me wanting to make it very clear to all the absolute horror of that morning in hospital.
I could share the memories I have of conversations and simple moments where I just knew Florence was safer in my womb than she would be out of it.
Instead I'm going to share memories from our family holiday in Hereford just a few weeks before Florence was born.
We had such a wonderful time, the sun shone, and the children played. I sat on a deck chair and knitted the little bonnet in the photo. The pattern was one I'd used to knit the same bonnet for Eden before she was born. Florence was buried wearing this bonnet....that's another memory....
We had several days out in Hilly Malvern, and on one of them, the children pulled my huge lumbering self up a particular hill, and we stopped in on a beautiful children's boutique, where I bought this little dress. I didn't know I was having a girl, but as with all my children, I had very strong instincts that I was. (I have always been right!)
The dress is now in her memory box, never worn, but I can still imagine just how it would've felt over her chubby baby belly, warm skin under soft cotton lawn. That is so vivid to me, and was in the shop when it was hanging on a hanger.
Happy, sad memories, but the memories of that holiday make me smile. She was there with us, all through my pregnancy with Florence I was so happy, and I always felt she was with us, already part of our family...she was. (is and always will be)
When I think of those days, I sing this song in my head.
Today is about sharing a significant memory, negative or positive.
I'm not ready to share my most significant memories, those are the ones that most haunt me at 3am. I've never even spoken to Woody about them. I don't think I will ever share them, despite a small part of me wanting to make it very clear to all the absolute horror of that morning in hospital.
I could share the memories I have of conversations and simple moments where I just knew Florence was safer in my womb than she would be out of it.
Instead I'm going to share memories from our family holiday in Hereford just a few weeks before Florence was born.
We had such a wonderful time, the sun shone, and the children played. I sat on a deck chair and knitted the little bonnet in the photo. The pattern was one I'd used to knit the same bonnet for Eden before she was born. Florence was buried wearing this bonnet....that's another memory....
We had several days out in Hilly Malvern, and on one of them, the children pulled my huge lumbering self up a particular hill, and we stopped in on a beautiful children's boutique, where I bought this little dress. I didn't know I was having a girl, but as with all my children, I had very strong instincts that I was. (I have always been right!)
The dress is now in her memory box, never worn, but I can still imagine just how it would've felt over her chubby baby belly, warm skin under soft cotton lawn. That is so vivid to me, and was in the shop when it was hanging on a hanger.
Happy, sad memories, but the memories of that holiday make me smile. She was there with us, all through my pregnancy with Florence I was so happy, and I always felt she was with us, already part of our family...she was. (is and always will be)
When I think of those days, I sing this song in my head.
Artwork
We have been really lucky in this area, and have been gifted some beautiful pieces in honour of our daughter by some very talented friends.
Sat here at my pc, I have a portrait hanging on the wall to my right, another painting above my bed, a handmade silver brooch in a box behind me, a photo of Florence's name in the sand also on a shelf behind me, a hand carved rabbit on another shelf next to a Jizo in a frame .....I hadn't realised actually quite how much artwork I have.
This though is a painting we received in time for what would have been Florence's third birthday. Painted by a talented young artist I have known for all of her life, infact I was present at her birth almost twenty years ago and her mother is one of my closest friends, and has been for most of my life.
This hangs at the top of our stairs. I pass it countless times every day. The other day as I passed by with Ernest in my arms he said "Florence Sleeping".
I love that this hangs in the heart of our home.
Florence was born at 40 weeks + 3days (or some might say 4 days). She lived for a minute longer than 6 hours, or thereabouts. I'm still not entirely sure of the exact moment of death.
there is the official time of death, which as far as I understand is when the doctors stopped trying to save her.
I know I looked at the clock as she was handed to me, and it was 10.55am.
I know at the inquest the peadiatrician gave evidence stating that when Florence was handed to me, her heart was still beating, but only just.
I hope in those last few moments she knew she was in my arms, and in turn in the arms of her Daddy. I hope she wasn't in any pain.
Baby Shower or Blessing
Baby showers are not something that has really caught on here in the UK, although I believe they are becoming more popular.
I have to say the idea of a baby shower I found bemusing before Florence, but now I find quite repugnant.
A Blessingway might have been something I would have liked, and I did take part in a bead swap with other pregnant mamas from around the world. I loved going bead shopping with my friend who was also taking part in the same swap.
Now though, even the idea of a Blessingway makes me feel nauseous.
So, my photo today is simply of a teeny pair of bootees that I stitched for Florence while I was pregnant.
I prepared for her arrival joyously, stitching and knitting and painting. I had a glorious creative time, and I shared almost every creation here on my blog happily.
These little shoes represent those preparations.
They are now tucked away in Florence's memory box, never worn.
Baby showers are not something that has really caught on here in the UK, although I believe they are becoming more popular.
I have to say the idea of a baby shower I found bemusing before Florence, but now I find quite repugnant.
A Blessingway might have been something I would have liked, and I did take part in a bead swap with other pregnant mamas from around the world. I loved going bead shopping with my friend who was also taking part in the same swap.
Now though, even the idea of a Blessingway makes me feel nauseous.
So, my photo today is simply of a teeny pair of bootees that I stitched for Florence while I was pregnant.
I prepared for her arrival joyously, stitching and knitting and painting. I had a glorious creative time, and I shared almost every creation here on my blog happily.
These little shoes represent those preparations.
They are now tucked away in Florence's memory box, never worn.
Siblings.
This photo was taken during the summer on the Pier in Beaumaris, on Anglesey. North Wales.
There's that gap. x
This is the second year I'm taking part in Angie's spoken word blog round up over at Still Life with Circles.
I didn't have much to choose from to read aloud, but I chose a short piece that I wrote after responding to a piece written by Angie for Glow.
Anyway, here it is.
I didn't have much to choose from to read aloud, but I chose a short piece that I wrote after responding to a piece written by Angie for Glow.
Anyway, here it is.
Photo
I have 26 photos of Florence, most of them have never been seen by anyone outside of my immediate family.
Many of them are blurry or in bad light, taken by midwives who couldn't quite work out the camera, and with trembling hands.
There are just a few, maybe only three I'm comfortable sharing, other than for a fleeting moment.
This is one of them.
I do regret not taking more photos, and so wish I'd known about NILMDTS. I'm not sure there was a photographer operating in my area when Florence was born, but I know there is now. I've met her (we go to the same slimming club!), and she's lovely.
I treasure the few photos we have.
I have 26 photos of Florence, most of them have never been seen by anyone outside of my immediate family.
Many of them are blurry or in bad light, taken by midwives who couldn't quite work out the camera, and with trembling hands.
There are just a few, maybe only three I'm comfortable sharing, other than for a fleeting moment.
This is one of them.
I do regret not taking more photos, and so wish I'd known about NILMDTS. I'm not sure there was a photographer operating in my area when Florence was born, but I know there is now. I've met her (we go to the same slimming club!), and she's lovely.
I treasure the few photos we have.
Place of Birth
Florence was born at home, just like her big brothers.
Sacred Space.
Can I say here that I'm slightly uncomfortable with the word sacred? The other choices were "Altar" and "Shrine", and I'm not too keen on those words either, despite the fact that this photo does depict all three. I'm just contrary!
There are several spaces around our home with photos of Florence accompanied by little trinkets that relate to her, often gifts given by thoughtful friends, or little things I've collected. There's a snow globe, some building bricks that spell out her name, a dried rose,a pine cone....
This shelf though is at the foot of our bed. Every evening I take off my necklace with her photo and place it there and I light her candles.Woody then blows them out when he comes to bed, often I'm already asleep but the smell of snuffed out candles usually wakes me, even if just for a second, that's our "goodnight". x
Charity
Much like yesterday's theme, I've never quite found the perfect charity to support. SANDs is the charity I do support via my Just Giving page.
SANDs was where I turned in the immediate aftermath of Florence's death, the forums particularly were very helpful in those early days, and more so during my subsequent pregnancy with Ernest where I found tremendous support on the pregnancy after loss boards.
Today I am organising myself and probably finishing off a few little pieces to take along.
My demo dolly needed a new cosy outfit for the stall, so I've dressed her (todays he's a her!) in some super soft recycled cashmere footed leggings, an organic cotton dress and cashmere beanie.