Next Size Up?5:46 pm
I cast on this matinee coat yesterday, I'm knitting it in size 3-6 mths, thinking of cooler weather come September, all very practical for a normal pregnant Mama, but a minefield of emotions for this one.
Knitting has never really been my forte.I usually enjoy it,but get frustrated with my lack of skill. This pregnancy however, keeping my fingers busy in the repetitive click clack of the needles has been calming. I don't understand it,but it works.
I had thought perhaps I'd knitted enough for baby boy, but having nothiing on the needles was disconcerting. A new knitting book and an expensive trip to the yarn store, and I'm feeling..well not better, but calmer.
I still cried as I cast this on yesterday.
I said in my last post how I'd only really started to just think of myself as pregnant, and I think the realisation that sometime fairly soon I'm going to deliver a baby, and he's either going to live or he's going to die is hitting me full force.
I'm distracted, and I'm exhausted and I'm scared.
I really just want to be normal again, to rub my belly in public and glow with anticipation. I used to love pregnancy, I was confident in my pregnant body.
I want to say to Eden that the dinosaur she's making for baby boy is lovely without pondering silently that it's actually too big to fit in a coffin.
I want to not wonder how or where I'll store all of the baby things if we don't need them.
I want to pull the bedside crib out of storage without thinking it might only have to go back again.
I want to not be afraid of going to the baby store to order a pram.
I want to not have to sit on my hands whenever I see a comment on a forum from a normal happy preggo, about normal happy preggo stuff.
I want to not look up and catch women in the playground glancing in my direction in pity, then looking away.
I want to believe everything will be ok, but I don't want people who barely know me to tell me it will all be ok this time. They don't know, they didn't hold their child in their arms as she took her last breath, as her heart stopped beating....
I just want baby boy here, safe and sound x