Next Size Up?

5:46 pm


Next Size Up?, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

I cast on this matinee coat yesterday, I'm knitting it in size 3-6 mths, thinking of cooler weather come September, all very practical for a normal pregnant Mama, but a minefield of emotions for this one.
Knitting has never really been my forte.I usually enjoy it,but get frustrated with my lack of skill. This pregnancy however, keeping my fingers busy in the repetitive click clack of the needles has been calming. I don't understand it,but it works.
I had thought perhaps I'd knitted enough for baby boy, but having nothiing on the needles was disconcerting. A new knitting book and an expensive trip to the yarn store, and I'm feeling..well not better, but calmer.
I still cried as I cast this on yesterday.

I said in my last post how I'd only really started to just think of myself as pregnant, and I think the realisation that sometime fairly soon I'm going to deliver a baby, and he's either going to live or he's going to die is hitting me full force.
I'm distracted, and I'm exhausted and I'm scared.

I really just want to be normal again, to rub my belly in public and glow with anticipation. I used to love pregnancy, I was confident in my pregnant body.

I want to say to Eden that the dinosaur she's making for baby boy is lovely without pondering silently that it's actually too big to fit in a coffin.

I want to not wonder how or where I'll store all of the baby things if we don't need them.

I want to pull the bedside crib out of storage without thinking it might only have to go back again.

I want to not be afraid of going to the baby store to order a pram.

I want to not have to sit on my hands whenever I see a comment on a forum from a normal happy preggo, about normal happy preggo stuff.

I want to not look up and catch women in the playground glancing in my direction in pity, then looking away.

I want to believe everything will be ok, but I don't want people who barely know me to tell me it will all be ok this time. They don't know, they didn't hold their child in their arms as she took her last breath, as her heart stopped beating....

I just want baby boy here, safe and sound x

Don't be shy, say hello!

12 comments

  1. All you can do is believe that everthing will be ok, as you rightly said, no one can tell your for certain that it will. You know already that nothing is for certain and no one can predict the future. Please tell me to shut up if you think I'm taking rubbish, as I've not been in your situation, but all you can do is take each day as it comes. Don't feel guilty about having down days and equally don't feel guilty about feeling positive.

    Just keep believing that it's going to be ok.

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  2. I want it all right for you again, I want you to believe in your pregnant body, I want this little man to be sharing a hug in your arms on his 21st birthday.
    I can only wish these things that most people take for granted to come true for you.
    Please know that you, Florence and your family are in my thoughts daily.
    Sending you all love & light as I do every day.

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  3. You don't have the same feelings you had before. Hold on to that. I believe those feelings, i have to. Hold on to not feeling them. At this point, when you are full of so much doubt, to not be able to conjure up those feelings is a good, good thing. It has to be.

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  4. your post today is making me cry. i 100% understand.

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  5. i just hope this next ten weeks flies for you . i haven't been in your shoes either. i do love the matinee jacket though, i had a black one a couple of years ago, i've no idea what happened to it. sending love, anne xxx

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  6. Sending you a big hug.

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  7. You know I don't pray, but if I did, I would. I hope it with all my heart, all my tears and all my love...

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  8. Oh Jeanette. Big hugs to you.
    I know the odds are very much in your favour, as they were for me when carrying Angus, but odds mean squat to us now. I too almost saw it as a 50/50 equation - either he would live or die. I knew the odds were much higher he'd live, but I could never believe it.
    This is what breaks my heart when I read about mamas who lost later children, not their first like me. It is that you were so sure of your pregnant body and had so much confidence in your ability to birth healthy children. All it takes is one dead child to completely shatter that. Nothing will ever be the same again. I am truly sorry.
    There is nothing I can say to make you feel any better. I can't offer you any false hope here.
    What I can do is send love and support your way, loads of it.
    xo

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  9. My prayers are with you. I know how hard this. xoxo

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  10. Oh us too. We can only hope with all our might that Baby boy will be healthy. Big hugs xxx

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  11. I feel the same, exactly. I never want to hear that "everything will be ok" -- I can't stomach that from someone who has never held a dying child in their arms and felt them take one last breath (and even still writing that I tear up and can't breathe -- the horrible visceral memory of those moments are too much for me to bear). I too get the stares, the pity in their eyes -- and I hate them for it, and I don't know why. All we want is to be one of "them" again, isnt it? But that's already gone, and now we're different. Holding your hand across the sea....

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  12. i just want to send you a hug and hope that it will all be fine for you xx

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