Pebble Vest

10:05 am

Pebble Vest, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

Another quick knit. I love this yarn, it's Jacob Sheep yarn, so the colour is the colour of the sheep, and it smells so divinely woolly.

Well meaning people keep asking me every day how I am. I'm not sure what reply they want to hear.
When I tell them that physically everything is fine, they look relieved, and I say quietly in my head "but everything was fine with Florence". I think most people still don't get that. In fact I know some people think that having her at home somehow caused her death. No one wants to think that sometimes babies just die and no one knows why.
People are reassured when I tell them I have a consultant, and I'm going to hospital this time, they just don't get it.
Sid's teacher asked me yesterday if I was having a c section this time. While it's a possibility, my consultant has already stated quite clearly that had Florence been born by c section, she still would have died.

Physically I am fine, and as far as we know so is baby boy. Inside my head though, well that's quite a different story. Sometimes I wish I was like Worzel Gummidge, and could take off this head,swap it with another for a while, just for a break.

Can't do that though, so I'll just keep on keeping on, and even though I cried while sewing the buttons on this little vest,I'll just keep on hoping baby boy gets to wear it, and wishing Florence were here to get under my feet and stop me having so much time to knit.

Don't be shy, say hello!


  1. I understand this post, Jeanette. I only saw a team of midwives for Hope's pregnancy and everyone was always reassured I saw an ob with Angus. I really don't think it made much difference, but it was just something we chose to do. I also got asked the c-section question. Yes in the end he was born that way, but it was never my intention. Everyone seemed to think that I was so scared of birth after I delivered Hope stillborn, but really that was the most magical part of it all - actually giving birth to her. Angus was just a c-section because he was huge and I was too absolutely shit scared to wait until labour started as there was not a chance in hell I wanted to go to 40 weeks again, or overdue like I was with Hope.
    Seriously, babyloss is so misunderstood in so many ways.
    I hope sweet baby boy gets to wear that vest.
    I also wish Florence was here.

  2. You have produced some lovely knitted things the last couple of weeks. Keep on keeping on, Jeanette, and hoping right along with you that baby boy gets to wear that vest.

    So often I want to comment but don't because it is so difficult to get across what I want to say and have it interpreted the right way, but I think of you often when my children are under my feet - instead of getting annoyed I think of all the babylost Mamas that would love to have their children under their feet and I remember how lucky I am....


    p.s. I am currently trying my hand at sewing - if only I sewed as "badly" as you knit!

  3. What a sweet vest for baby boy :) I'd like to echo Victoria, Florence has taught me to be more patient and endlessly thankful. I am sure she, and other babies have made quite a mark on so many Mamas x

  4. thinking of you as always Jeanette. Your head must feel so full with everything. xxxxx

  5. I keep writing things and then deleting them - just know that you are in my thoughts (((hugs)))

  6. I know. Oh, i know.

    I had Freddie in hospital; admittedly yes, i vbac'ed for only the 2nd of 5 births but it was in hospitals, with monitors, with a team of people on top of me to care for us.

    Didn't save him.

    What can you say? Yes, i'm fine because the alternative is anarchy in a house with 4 other children and that would be too noisy to be appealing? Yes, i'm fine in as much as i haven't got a single moment of peace or calm in any single bone of my body.

    "I'm fine. You know... we're, just fine." What else can you say?

  7. Oh I can almost smell the divine wooliness of that vest from here! Super cute!

    Quite a few people have asked me what went wrong, what caused the twins to be born so prematurely. They don't seem to like the only answer I've got which is that nobody knows. People don't like to think that babies just die, they want an explanation. And sometimes there isn't one.

    I haven't thought of Worzel Gummidge for many a long year. Wish I could swap heads too. Just for a bit.

    Thank you for the words of encouragement on J's chubbing up diet. Glad it worked for E!

  8. Lovely vest, Jeanette. I'm sorry for your anxiety for this baby boy and send you love as you mourn the loss of your beautiful baby Florence. I've been on hiatus from blogland for a while but think of you often. xo

  9. Sending love and hugs as always xxx

  10. wish i had some magical words to make it all feel better, but there are none...just wanted to say beautiful knitted things...and sending love, and feeling sorrow as always for you that you had to lose your beautiful baby girl Florence, and a tinkly twinkly inkling of beautiful magical hope that is your growing, beautiful baby boy Xxx your head must be so crammed with thoughts, feelings and huge terrifying fears, here's wishing you some peace and tranquility here and ther to help you get through . I'm sure the knitting must be slightly therapeutic! i wish i could knit...

  11. Your knitting is so very good - you really are so talented. And I sewed lots of pants while waiting for Louis and genes lots of cotton wipes. I didn't sew much before Alice was born and died so I really wanted to make sure I had somethings for this baby. I feel I really missed out not be able to do this preparation for Alice. I did come home from having her and made a quilt for her to be wrapped in. It will always be my best and most truly special creation. It stayed with her and will be her forever.



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