8:13 am

, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

Today I have that horrible nervous tumbling inside. It's weighing day and it's tongue snipping day.
Oh how I hate those scales, the way his tiny pink body reacts to the cold plastic and he flings out his arms instinctively. The dread in the pit of my stomach as I wait for the digital readout to settle.
I can hear my voice in my head from the old me, waffling something about "watching the baby not the scales", but the truth is he lost a *lot* of weight. (I stopped remembering after the first 1lb).
My poor wee baby was only getting enough calories to keep himself alive. I'm ashamed I didn't notice. The shock that he was here and alive was clouding my vision.
The shock is slowly lifting, and I even found myself looking forward the other day.Only into next month, and only for a moment, but I told Woody and he said he'd done the same thing too, for the first time since Florence was born.

Yesterday we managed to fit a walk in the park into our pumping and feeding schedule. We went to a local National Trust park. (We promised the big ones ice cream.)
I wasn't prepared for the smiles and admiring looks and comments and questions from passers by as they spotted Ernest snuggled in his sling.
I felt so exposed and so close to tears, they can't see Florence, they can't see all that has gone before, all that brought this beautiful baby to us. Why should they?
Oh my goodness, how that hurts though. I can't even really explain how.
All I know is I wanted to just hold him even tighter, and shield him from the world.

Before we left the park,I breastfed Ernest in the car and then he needed his bottle of mama milk, and I hid below the dashboard. I didn't want anyone to see I was bottlefeeding.
I am ashamed that we are struggling, and I know that I shouldn't be. Lots of people struggle, and there's no shame in that, but I do feel like I'm failing at something I was always so very good at.
Maybe it's the hormones, or maybe it's the shadow of a dead baby, but it's shame I feel.
I guess I just have to feel it and then let it go, and get on with dealing with the problem.

The tongue snip is this afternoon. I'm hoping for the miracle feeding solution I keep reading about, but I'm realistic. Ernest's tongue tie is not severe, but it's impacting enough to cause problems, so the snip is advised.
I can hope though, right?

Hope has kept me going this past year. x

Don't be shy, say hello!


  1. oh sweetheart, i feel the same exposure in public that you describe just from being pregnant, i can only imagine how much harder it is with an actual baby in your arms. the more i am beginning to show, the more i want to hide away. i am sitting here in tears with you, you really hit a nerve tonight. when i couldn't feed harvey i had the same feelings of failure too, harvey couldn't swallow and had a nasal gastric tube so i pumped for 3 months living in hope and still feeling like a failure every day. all i can say, is that it won't always be like this, it will get better. get help when you need it, you have been through worse and you are by no means a failure. i hope ernest recovers quickly after his procedure. take acre honey, sending love xxx

  2. thats 'take care honey', not 'take acres of honey' lol xxx total placenta brain x

  3. The fact that he can bottle feed is a very, very good sign :D Hope hope hoping for you! The procedure itself is so quick and they barely notice it, truly! :D

    Can empathise with the feelings of shame about bottle feeding, and guilt for the weight loss. So sorry you are having to deal with this, it is hard enough on it's own, but on top of the loss of Florence it's deeply unfair.

  4. Oh sweets, I hear you on all of this. Angus also dropped a lot of weight and I HATED those stupid scales. It felt like a test of my motherhood and I felt like I was failing. My messed up babyloss brain thought someone was going to take him off me if he dropped any more weight. We're almost nine months in now and going strong with the BFing, so I'm sure with your past experience you will get there. We are all here for you in the mean time.
    Nodding and understanding.
    Sending love as well.

  5. Oh Jeanette, what a tough time you're having. You are doing brilliantly, my friend, you really are. You're making the best decisions you can to keep Ernest well.

    I hope the tongue snipping is ok. I'll be thinking of you today.

  6. lots of hugs Jeanette, you've not got it easy (((hugs)))

  7. I have no words, I wish I did, but I think you're right anyway that you have to feel it in order to even be able to deal with it and move on. Hugs XX Good luck with the snipping, and good luck that it does the trick XX

  8. Hope the snip does the trick :D

  9. I hope his tongue snip goes well. My kids were both tongue-tied. My dd has a forked tongue still at 14 years-old. I never knew what it was until the dentist mentioned it when she was 7. (didn't have internets when she was a baby.) So, she latched with her teeth as soon as she got them at four months!
    My son had a mild tie, but we got it snipped when he was 6 weeks, The naturopath did it in office and he didn't even cry (odd, since his nickname was the screamapillar.) He latched on better right away! Though in retrospect, I would have had them cut it a little further back, as he still has a pretty short frenalum.

  10. I hope the snip works! There is so much I want to write but I can't seem to find the words! ((hugs))

  11. I've just been out on my bike ride and happened to pass (as I often do) the girl from next door who brought home her first little girl a few days after I didn't bring home Freddie. She mostly looks down, which I have attributed to the Freddie thing, so today i stopped and said hello.

    And there in her pram was a baby girl, quite beautiful and just younger than Freddie should be, with one of those strawberry haematoma that they can get, growing huge on her forehead.

    And I was back, in an instant, to being a new young mamma of a baby with a birth defect on her face and the huge and enormous trauma that seemed then. How ashamed I was that things hadn't gone right, how hurt I was that she wasn't perfect, how angry I was that everything was just a little to the left of okay.

    How cross I was that people would say "it's not as if she's dead".

    When things are not perfect, even only just a little off perfect, in those post baby days it can all feel so very huge. On top of Florence, goodness, the feelings must be overwhelming.

    But. He's here, you are here. You are surviving. Damage is not done. Everyone is so proud of you. And some time soon, you'll stitch a blanket and say "this square was your tongue tie..."

    PS We sell those elephants, there is a very cute monkey to match. Maddy sleeps with both every night ;)

  12. Hope the snip went well and you're all resting (and latching) now. Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you and your little guy.

  13. I hope the snip takes care of the problem. Thinking of you.

  14. I hope everything went well today. x

  15. SO SO many women have BFing problems. You know that. I would feel the same way as you if I had to bottle feed, even if it was with BMilk. But you know what .. so WHAT if other people see and so what if they think it's formula.
    You are doing the best thing for your baby boy. And that is not being a failure. That is being the best mother you can be. You didn't have these obstacles with your other ones.
    As for the scales, I am very very pleased they didn't weigh Tobias before we came home from the hospital otherwise we would have been kept in and the pressure would have been immense. I am also very lucky to have a midwife who didn't weigh him a lot. She knew he had lost a lot of weight .. but she could see his latch was getting better and every time she came round I was sat there feeding him. And his jandice was getting better. So she refused to weigh him becuase she said it would only put pressure on me. AND she would only let him be weighed onher scales. No one elses incase it caused a mis-weigh.
    I do hope this afternoon went well for Ernest. xx

  16. Hope it all went well. I had one who lost lots and then took her sweet time gaining again. I really hope he is piling on the ounces. And any HV worth their salt should zero a muslin first so sensitive babes don't get a cold shock x

  17. Thinking of you! You're doing all that you can do and seeking help...that is what a mommy does. There is no shame in that. You love your baby and miss your other one, that is totally understandable. I can't imagine what you are presently feeling, but I will soon enough ~ come Jan/Feb. and I hope that I can face the world with my new baby as gracefully as you are.

  18. Hoping with you that baby Ernest is soon latching on well. You are such a beautiful mama, Jeanette.

    Love, Carlyn

  19. Thinking of you and that gorgeous boy. Louis didn't attach properly for some time and I ended up with terrible nipples... But we got there. xxx

  20. Really hoping the snip went well and eased the breastfeeding for you and Ernest. Sending so much love your way xxx

  21. Oh and I agree with the muslin thing. If not paper towls or a cot sheet!!! If you put it before they set the scales it won't count. Will stop little Mr. Freaking out!!


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