A recent online discussion amongst exclusively pumping Mamas made me re think my reluctance to have many photographic reminders of this, our way of feeding.
I still have a tremendous amount of guilt and sadness surrounding my inability to breastfeed Ernest, but reading about the experiences of others who have come to the end of their pumping times, and how they wish they'd had more photographic proof of their efforts, has encouraged me today to take some photos.
This, dear readers is my freezer stash. There is six months worth of hard hard work here...and there's more in the fridge.
I haven't had spare milk to freeze since the end of March. These days I seem to have the supply and demand thing going fairly smoothly. Pumping around 800 mls a day, and Ernest drinking all of that.
This stash is my insurance policy.
I also decided this morning that considering the work that went into making and pumping this milk, it deserved a bit more respect than just dumping in bin liners and chucking in the freezer.
I saw this great link for storing breastmilk, and thought I'd give it a go.
Unfortunately, I hadn't frozen all of my milk flat, but I have about a million gift bags, and decided to use those for storage instead of the nasty bin liners anyway.
This is much neater.
You know, it's funny, I hadn't realised just how much milk there was in my freezer. Rearranging it all made me quite proud of myself.
And just for fun, here is a pic India took of Ernest yesterday, licking the drips on the pumping flange, after I'd finished!
My milk supply has dipped by around 200mls a day over the past few weeks. It all started just after the incident with the counsellor. I was so panicky and upset for days afterwards, and had several pumping sessions when my milk simply wouldn't let down.
I realised what was happening, but it's hard to stop that cycle of stress once it begins. I tried dropping my shoulders, deep breathing, leaving the pump on flutter sucking for longer than usual, positive visualisations, and the milk would flow...eventually.
I'm still pumping enough for Ernest, but my buffer of being a couple of bottles ahead of his needs has gone, and I've had to dip into our freezer stash. while our freezer stash is huge, I'm not really happy with the situation as it is.
Maybe I'm unrealistic, but I want to provide breastmilk for Ernest for as long as possible. My long term goal is two years, which when you consider I would have aimed to breastfeed him for at least three or four years, is still quite a compromise on my ideals.
So, I'm power pumping*, eating porridge for breakfast and back on the motherlove supplements.
And as if that wasn't enough of a time drain, I decided this morning was the perfect time to spring clean my bedroom, and move several pieces of furniture too.
I'm now sat amidst total chaos, with an overtired teething (almost two teeth just breaking through!) baby who is nap refusing...sigh. x
* Power Pumping is mimicking a growth spurt by pumping very frequently, thereby telling the brain that you need to make more milk. Some women set up the pump and simply pump for ten minutes or so every time they pass,(obviously within reason), others pump to a tighter schedule than usual. I'm currently pumping every two hours,(ordinarily I pump every 3/4 hours, and can leave it 5 hours so long as I make up the time later) and will do probably at least until tomorrow. It usually takes a couple of days for my body to get the message I need to make more milk, but everyone is different.
I realised what was happening, but it's hard to stop that cycle of stress once it begins. I tried dropping my shoulders, deep breathing, leaving the pump on flutter sucking for longer than usual, positive visualisations, and the milk would flow...eventually.
I'm still pumping enough for Ernest, but my buffer of being a couple of bottles ahead of his needs has gone, and I've had to dip into our freezer stash. while our freezer stash is huge, I'm not really happy with the situation as it is.
Maybe I'm unrealistic, but I want to provide breastmilk for Ernest for as long as possible. My long term goal is two years, which when you consider I would have aimed to breastfeed him for at least three or four years, is still quite a compromise on my ideals.
So, I'm power pumping*, eating porridge for breakfast and back on the motherlove supplements.
And as if that wasn't enough of a time drain, I decided this morning was the perfect time to spring clean my bedroom, and move several pieces of furniture too.
I'm now sat amidst total chaos, with an overtired teething (almost two teeth just breaking through!) baby who is nap refusing...sigh. x
* Power Pumping is mimicking a growth spurt by pumping very frequently, thereby telling the brain that you need to make more milk. Some women set up the pump and simply pump for ten minutes or so every time they pass,(obviously within reason), others pump to a tighter schedule than usual. I'm currently pumping every two hours,(ordinarily I pump every 3/4 hours, and can leave it 5 hours so long as I make up the time later) and will do probably at least until tomorrow. It usually takes a couple of days for my body to get the message I need to make more milk, but everyone is different.
Just a note to warn you, that yes I am about to blather on yet again about not being able to breastfeed Ernest if you are sick of hearing about it I wont be offended if you hit delete, hey I wont even know. I realise I'm something of a stuck record, but this is my blog and I can blather on endlessly if I want to so there!
Ernest was eight months old yesterday,he crawls commando style all around the floor, and today bashed two cups together for the first time. He's growing and doing, and just gorgeous.
A little while ago, my friend encouraged me to write down our breastfeeding (or not!) story, and submit it to the LLL magazine, Breastfeeding Matters. This month it's featured, and it's quite a relief to get the story out there.
This is our story up until Ernest was 14 weeks:
Ernest was born 16th July 2010 at 37 weeks. Labour was induced early because a year earlier his sister Florence had died suddenly and unexpectedly shortly after birth, following a robustly healthy pregnancy and very normal home birth.
He nuzzled and licked the breast immediately after birth ,but didn't latch on immediately. I was not concerned however as all of my babies have taken an hour or two before latching on properly. (I have four older children too.)
As expected Ernest latched on a while later and fed constantly as anyone would expect. We struggled a little because he was so much smaller than all my other babies had been at only 7lbs 1oz, and his mouth was so very tiny, trying to latch on to my large nipples clearly wasn't easy for him.
We spent a day up on the ward after he was born and then went home. Bringing home our beautiful living child after the trauma of losing our precious daughter the previous year was something of a shock to both myself and my husband. We were in a highly emotional state, and looking back really just in shock, and so very relieved that Ernest was living that we failed to notice that things were already starting to go down hill.
Ernest developed jaundice, something I'd noticed while still in hospital and mentioned to the paediatrician, but didn't think too much of as my eldest four had also had jaundice which was simply treated with lots of breastfeeds.
By day five though,Ernest was glowing bright bright yellow, and to my horror had also lost 13% of his birth weight. Tests showed his bilirubin levels were extremely high and we were admitted back to the women's unit at our local hospital, the night before the anniversary of our daughter's death.
Ernest was treated with phototherapy and I was encouraged to express my milk after each feed, and that milk was cup fed to Ernest by an extremely patient midwife.
After two very stressful and tearful days in hospital Ernest's bilirubin levels came down to a safe level and he had gained 50g, so we were discharged home.
I was told there was no need to continue expressing my milk, that I clearly had a good supply, (in fact meeting a paediatrician a week later he referred to me as the lady with the good supply) and that feeding seemed fine. At this point it did look to the casual observer that Ernest was feeding well,I had no pain, and after all I'd done this before, I was an experienced breastfeeder.
Just a few days later though and Ernest was more yellow than ever and once again losing weight.(He now weighed only 5lbs 10oz) We were admitted to hospital again. This time to the children's ward. Ernest was extremely sleepy as we were admitted, and there was talk of tube feeding and drips. Once again he was treated with phototherapy ,but when the nurse came to fit his feeding tube he woke up enough to feed, and after observing his feeding, the nurse decided there was no need for the feeding tube.
I began expressing again after each feed, and trying to cup feed, but Ernest didn't seem to be able to lap up the milk, and I was basically pouring it into his mouth.
By morning Ernest's bilirubin levels were down to a safe level , and we were again discharged home.
Once at home , we were visited by our midwife, who weighed Ernest and found he'd lost more weight despite the cup feeds and the constant breastfeeding. His nappies were still green and rarely wet. He was by now only just getting enough calories to keep his organs functioning, and my breasts felt empty and not as I would expect them at only 11 days post partum.
I was starting to realise something was very very wrong.
My midwife sat very close to me and moving some of my breast tissue to one side (I have large breasts), we could both clearly see that Ernest's latch was extremely poor,and he would slip off the breast easily with very little suction at all, and she confirmed what I had been thinking, that she thought Ernest had a tongue tie.
The next day I went to see the hospital lactation consultant who confirmed a posterior tongue tie, and a high bubble palate. She arranged an appointment for Ernest's tongue tie to be snipped the following Monday, day 16, and explained that the high palate would fix itself as Ernest grew.
By now I was pumping every two hours day and night to increase my dwindling milk supply, and bottle feeding Ernest after each breast feed , as he simply couldn't latch to the breast enough to get more than a few drips of milk. I was also having to give small amounts of formula until my milk supply could catch up.
The tongue snipping went well, but our efforts to feed immediately afterwards were sabotaged by the jaundice nurse wanting to complete Ernest's blood tests before her shift ended. By the time I was “allowed” to feed him he was hysterical, and all I wanted to do was go home.
Ernest began to gain weight, and with the support of my local LLL leaders I researched as much as I could about tongue tie, and about increasing my supply.
Two weeks later, after obsessively watching Ernest's attempts to feed at the breast I once again visited the lactation consultant at my local hospital. I was convinced his tongue had either re healed or not been snipped enough, and I was also concerned about how tight his labial frenulum was, and how he seemed unable to open his mouth wide, preferring to pull the nipple (and the bottle teat) into his mouth like he was sucking up spaghetti.
I had by now managed to drop the formula, and increased my supply to meet Ernest's demands plus a little extra. Ernest was gaining weight and catching up fast, but he was refusing the breast,screaming and arching his back whenever I tried. He preferred the faster flow of bottle feeding, and because he refused to latch,we couldn't even try using the SNS I had bought when we first realised he needed supplementing.
The lactation consultant, assured me his tongue was now free, and dismissed my other concerns. She simply suggested I try using nipple shields to wean him from the bottle to the breast.
We had limited success with the nipple shields. Ernest would latch on (very poorly), drink the initial letdown, but seemed unable to actually milk the breast.
During this time we tried everything, finger feeding, biological nursing, bottle feeding next to a naked breast. We had weekend after weekend of nurse ins, and nothing seemed to be working, except the cranial osteopathy, that helped enormously in calming Ernest and in helping his high palate to spread.
Desperate I tried to get an appointment with an out of area lactation consultant, who refused to see me because we were out of area and Ernest was by then 12 weeks old.
All the while, I had fantastic support from friends,family and my local LLL leaders. Fiona, one of those leaders pushed for us to be seen by another out of area lactation consultant, and although she couldn't fit us in for an appointment for some time, she did talk to me over the telephone, and during that conversation mentioned a doctor she had heard of who had helped a mother and baby with similar problems.
After our conversation I googled this doctors name, and fired off an email to him,not expecting to hear anything back,but thinking that it was at least worth a try.
The very next day, the doctor's secretary telephoned me to say he would see us the following afternoon at the Royal Manchester Children's Hospital!
We went to see him, and he immediately diagnosed a tight posterior tongue tie that hadn't been snipped enough, and said Ernest's tight labial frenulum was obviously causing him pain and stopping him breastfeeding. (Ernest could not flange his top lip at all)
He admitted Ernest to the ward immediately for a general anaesthetic and surgery the following morning!
We were allowed home for the night, and after many tears and much agonising and telephone counselling from Souad and Helen, two more of my local LLL leaders, we decided to go ahead with the surgery the next morning.
Ernest was one day off 14 weeks when he had the procedure. He was under general anaesthetic for ten minutes and out of my arms for forty. As soon as he woke up I was astonished at how he could now open his mouth, and how much movement his tongue now had.
We tried to breastfeed immediately,but Ernest was too frantically hungry, as we'd had to starve him for four hours before the surgery. So he had his bottle of EBM, and I could see straight away how much easier he found feeding from a bottle, something he often struggled with too.
Ernest is now 16 weeks old, and unfortunately still refusing the breast. He has a classic case of nipple preference, but I'm still hopeful.
I offer the breast frequently, and usually he just grins at me and licks the nipple until milk drips, and then he catches those...little monkey!
We are doing tongue exercises, and we may try finger feeding again now that he is gaining more control of his tongue.
There are days when I am philosophical about our breastfeeding experience so far, and I'm prepared to pump milk for Ernest for as long as I'm able if he never gets the hang of breastfeeding, but I'm not putting a time limit on this. I have heard stories of babies choosing to latch at around the four/five month mark,and I'm really really hoping that given the opportunity Ernest will be one of those babies.
There are also dark days, when I cry and I ache to feed Ernest, as I did my older children. Breastfeeding is about so much more than milk,and I have to work harder to mother my baby this way.
I know though, that whatever the future holds I have the support of my local LLL group and leaders. They have mothered me when I've needed it, and offered practical help when I've needed that too. I'm very grateful to count them as friends.
****
Since I wrote this piece, I think I've come to accept that Ernest will almost certainly never feed from the breast. That hasn't been an easy fact to face, and there have been some very very dark moments along the way.
We still enjoy plenty of skin to skin times, and I never say never,it's not completely unheard of for older babies to latch on.
Some time over Christmas I gave up the daily struggle of trying to latch Ernest to the breast. The mere thought of offering, however nonchalantly I tried to make that offer was enough to set my heart racing, my head spinning, and the tears spring instantly to my eyes. There was only so much rejection I could handle.
I wrote about it a little here, and discovering this post on another blog by a Mama with a similar story was such a relief, it made so much sense. I definitely needed to make my boobs a happy place.
Meanwhile though, pumping has become our way, we pump seven times a day, including the middle of the night. It's second nature now, Ernest stirs first,between 1-3am and while I would've pulled my other children in to my breast , I wake, sit up, pass Ernest to Woody, who feeds him a bottle of EBM, while I plug myself into the pump. By the time I'm done pumping, Ernest has snuggled back to sleep with Woody, I steal him back, and settle back down to sleep with him, until he wakes me again with his snufflings,, around 4-5am, and I sit up to feed him more EBM. It's a far cry from those lovely nights feeding the others, when by now, all I'd need to do is perhaps a bit of nipple guidance, then drift back off to sleep, but it's become our way, maybe one day I'll look back with some little fondness to our way...maybe?
****
If you have somehow found this page because you too are having problems with tongue tie, posterior tongue tie, high palate, or lip tie, then here are some of the books and sites I found useful.
Books
I think I re read every breastfeeding book on my book shelves and every other breastfeeding book I could get my hands on in the early days, but the one book I found really helped point me in the right direction regarding a diagnosis, and also helped me to fine tune my understanding of how to increase and maintain my milk supply was "Making More Milk"
This book is easy to read, which is all important in those early sleep deprived and stressed out days, and it makes it a much simpler process to figure out just what might be going on with you and your baby. I owe a lot to this book.
Another book, actually came free with my pump, and at first I simply dismissed it,but actually it was very very helpful. "Exclusively Pumping Breastmilk" by Stephanie Casemore. The author is a pumping mother, and it's an excellent resource for any mothers who may find themselves exclusively pumping. The information I found within the pages of this book were far better than any advice I was given by my local lactation consultant, who told me when Ernest was only a few weeks old that I only need pump four times a day for ten minutes. Had I followed that advice, I highly doubt I'd still be pumping enough milk for Ernest at eight months old.
Websites
What would I have done without Kellymom? I'd spend hours going over and over page after page on this wonderful site. So much information.
A few pages I found helpful:
"Help, My Baby Wont Nurse!" (this page is one I read over and over again)
Pumping and Bottlefeeding (incl storage guidelines.)
Breastfeeding A Baby With Tongue Tie
Then, there is MOBI
I can honestly say that finding this site and the associated yahoo group was a turning point for me. The women who make up the yahoo group are inspiring, working damn hard to give their baby's as much breastmilk as they can, under sometimes very very demanding situations.
The women here pointed me in the direction of Dr Kotlow's website, and the work he does with tongue and lip ties.
It was seeing the articles on his site, and the photos of tongue and lip ties that convinced me I was on the right track with my instincts that something more was going on with Ernest than I was being led to believe. Ernest's lip tie was a class iv according to the photos on this leaflet.
I should say here that another Mama from MOBI has put together a great list of symptoms of PTT (and associated problems like lip tie) here, along with some stories from Mamas and babies that have been affected (including mine and Ernest's), and other useful resources.Well worth checking out.
Finally, I'm adding the link to the doctor who treated Ernest, Patrick Sheehan I'm so grateful to him for seeing us so promptly after I contacted him. I wish we had known about him sooner, and still don't understand why we were not referred to him by our lactation consultant much earlier, and why I had to keep plugging on looking for help, and finally an out of area lactation consultant had to tell me about a doctor that treats patients so close to where I live.
Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference, but I can't help thinking that had Ernest been treated when I suspected a problem, he may well be breastfeeding now. I guess we'll never know.
At the very least Dr Sheehan has enabled Ernest to feed more easily from a bottle, and to feed without pain...heck he couldn't even open his mouth properly until the lip tie was snipped!
And I'm going to leave it there for now,(unless I suddenly remember anything super important to add, which I might.
Please please leave a comment if you've been through a similar experience (or even if you haven't ) and would like to add anything useful, or just say hi, I'd love to hear from you.
***
Resources and articles I've come across since writing this post:
The Funny Shaped Woman, Introducing the Maxillary Labial Frenulum
Maddie's Musings, The Kindest Cut
Analytical Armadillo, The Cause Of Your Baby's Reflux/Wind/Colic?
Milk Matters, The Hidden Cause Of Feeding Problems.
Frenectomy Today, Another Tongue Tie and Lip Tie Experience.
insert bold tags insert italic tags
insert link
NOTE
If you are looking here for the tongue/sucking skills excercises I posted earlier, I have taken them down while I seek permission from the author to publish them here.
Thank you to Hannah who pointed me in the direction of the author, it seems I had the incorrect intial for her and was googling the wrong name!
The author is Catherine W Genna, her website is here her book Supporting Sucking Skills is available on amazon.
Ernest was eight months old yesterday,he crawls commando style all around the floor, and today bashed two cups together for the first time. He's growing and doing, and just gorgeous.
A little while ago, my friend encouraged me to write down our breastfeeding (or not!) story, and submit it to the LLL magazine, Breastfeeding Matters. This month it's featured, and it's quite a relief to get the story out there.
This is our story up until Ernest was 14 weeks:
Ernest was born 16th July 2010 at 37 weeks. Labour was induced early because a year earlier his sister Florence had died suddenly and unexpectedly shortly after birth, following a robustly healthy pregnancy and very normal home birth.
He nuzzled and licked the breast immediately after birth ,but didn't latch on immediately. I was not concerned however as all of my babies have taken an hour or two before latching on properly. (I have four older children too.)
As expected Ernest latched on a while later and fed constantly as anyone would expect. We struggled a little because he was so much smaller than all my other babies had been at only 7lbs 1oz, and his mouth was so very tiny, trying to latch on to my large nipples clearly wasn't easy for him.
We spent a day up on the ward after he was born and then went home. Bringing home our beautiful living child after the trauma of losing our precious daughter the previous year was something of a shock to both myself and my husband. We were in a highly emotional state, and looking back really just in shock, and so very relieved that Ernest was living that we failed to notice that things were already starting to go down hill.
Ernest developed jaundice, something I'd noticed while still in hospital and mentioned to the paediatrician, but didn't think too much of as my eldest four had also had jaundice which was simply treated with lots of breastfeeds.
By day five though,Ernest was glowing bright bright yellow, and to my horror had also lost 13% of his birth weight. Tests showed his bilirubin levels were extremely high and we were admitted back to the women's unit at our local hospital, the night before the anniversary of our daughter's death.
Ernest was treated with phototherapy and I was encouraged to express my milk after each feed, and that milk was cup fed to Ernest by an extremely patient midwife.
After two very stressful and tearful days in hospital Ernest's bilirubin levels came down to a safe level and he had gained 50g, so we were discharged home.
I was told there was no need to continue expressing my milk, that I clearly had a good supply, (in fact meeting a paediatrician a week later he referred to me as the lady with the good supply) and that feeding seemed fine. At this point it did look to the casual observer that Ernest was feeding well,I had no pain, and after all I'd done this before, I was an experienced breastfeeder.
Just a few days later though and Ernest was more yellow than ever and once again losing weight.(He now weighed only 5lbs 10oz) We were admitted to hospital again. This time to the children's ward. Ernest was extremely sleepy as we were admitted, and there was talk of tube feeding and drips. Once again he was treated with phototherapy ,but when the nurse came to fit his feeding tube he woke up enough to feed, and after observing his feeding, the nurse decided there was no need for the feeding tube.
I began expressing again after each feed, and trying to cup feed, but Ernest didn't seem to be able to lap up the milk, and I was basically pouring it into his mouth.
By morning Ernest's bilirubin levels were down to a safe level , and we were again discharged home.
Once at home , we were visited by our midwife, who weighed Ernest and found he'd lost more weight despite the cup feeds and the constant breastfeeding. His nappies were still green and rarely wet. He was by now only just getting enough calories to keep his organs functioning, and my breasts felt empty and not as I would expect them at only 11 days post partum.
I was starting to realise something was very very wrong.
My midwife sat very close to me and moving some of my breast tissue to one side (I have large breasts), we could both clearly see that Ernest's latch was extremely poor,and he would slip off the breast easily with very little suction at all, and she confirmed what I had been thinking, that she thought Ernest had a tongue tie.
The next day I went to see the hospital lactation consultant who confirmed a posterior tongue tie, and a high bubble palate. She arranged an appointment for Ernest's tongue tie to be snipped the following Monday, day 16, and explained that the high palate would fix itself as Ernest grew.
By now I was pumping every two hours day and night to increase my dwindling milk supply, and bottle feeding Ernest after each breast feed , as he simply couldn't latch to the breast enough to get more than a few drips of milk. I was also having to give small amounts of formula until my milk supply could catch up.
The tongue snipping went well, but our efforts to feed immediately afterwards were sabotaged by the jaundice nurse wanting to complete Ernest's blood tests before her shift ended. By the time I was “allowed” to feed him he was hysterical, and all I wanted to do was go home.
Ernest began to gain weight, and with the support of my local LLL leaders I researched as much as I could about tongue tie, and about increasing my supply.
Two weeks later, after obsessively watching Ernest's attempts to feed at the breast I once again visited the lactation consultant at my local hospital. I was convinced his tongue had either re healed or not been snipped enough, and I was also concerned about how tight his labial frenulum was, and how he seemed unable to open his mouth wide, preferring to pull the nipple (and the bottle teat) into his mouth like he was sucking up spaghetti.
I had by now managed to drop the formula, and increased my supply to meet Ernest's demands plus a little extra. Ernest was gaining weight and catching up fast, but he was refusing the breast,screaming and arching his back whenever I tried. He preferred the faster flow of bottle feeding, and because he refused to latch,we couldn't even try using the SNS I had bought when we first realised he needed supplementing.
The lactation consultant, assured me his tongue was now free, and dismissed my other concerns. She simply suggested I try using nipple shields to wean him from the bottle to the breast.
We had limited success with the nipple shields. Ernest would latch on (very poorly), drink the initial letdown, but seemed unable to actually milk the breast.
During this time we tried everything, finger feeding, biological nursing, bottle feeding next to a naked breast. We had weekend after weekend of nurse ins, and nothing seemed to be working, except the cranial osteopathy, that helped enormously in calming Ernest and in helping his high palate to spread.
Desperate I tried to get an appointment with an out of area lactation consultant, who refused to see me because we were out of area and Ernest was by then 12 weeks old.
All the while, I had fantastic support from friends,family and my local LLL leaders. Fiona, one of those leaders pushed for us to be seen by another out of area lactation consultant, and although she couldn't fit us in for an appointment for some time, she did talk to me over the telephone, and during that conversation mentioned a doctor she had heard of who had helped a mother and baby with similar problems.
After our conversation I googled this doctors name, and fired off an email to him,not expecting to hear anything back,but thinking that it was at least worth a try.
The very next day, the doctor's secretary telephoned me to say he would see us the following afternoon at the Royal Manchester Children's Hospital!
We went to see him, and he immediately diagnosed a tight posterior tongue tie that hadn't been snipped enough, and said Ernest's tight labial frenulum was obviously causing him pain and stopping him breastfeeding. (Ernest could not flange his top lip at all)
He admitted Ernest to the ward immediately for a general anaesthetic and surgery the following morning!
We were allowed home for the night, and after many tears and much agonising and telephone counselling from Souad and Helen, two more of my local LLL leaders, we decided to go ahead with the surgery the next morning.
Ernest was one day off 14 weeks when he had the procedure. He was under general anaesthetic for ten minutes and out of my arms for forty. As soon as he woke up I was astonished at how he could now open his mouth, and how much movement his tongue now had.
We tried to breastfeed immediately,but Ernest was too frantically hungry, as we'd had to starve him for four hours before the surgery. So he had his bottle of EBM, and I could see straight away how much easier he found feeding from a bottle, something he often struggled with too.
Ernest is now 16 weeks old, and unfortunately still refusing the breast. He has a classic case of nipple preference, but I'm still hopeful.
I offer the breast frequently, and usually he just grins at me and licks the nipple until milk drips, and then he catches those...little monkey!
We are doing tongue exercises, and we may try finger feeding again now that he is gaining more control of his tongue.
There are days when I am philosophical about our breastfeeding experience so far, and I'm prepared to pump milk for Ernest for as long as I'm able if he never gets the hang of breastfeeding, but I'm not putting a time limit on this. I have heard stories of babies choosing to latch at around the four/five month mark,and I'm really really hoping that given the opportunity Ernest will be one of those babies.
There are also dark days, when I cry and I ache to feed Ernest, as I did my older children. Breastfeeding is about so much more than milk,and I have to work harder to mother my baby this way.
I know though, that whatever the future holds I have the support of my local LLL group and leaders. They have mothered me when I've needed it, and offered practical help when I've needed that too. I'm very grateful to count them as friends.
****
Since I wrote this piece, I think I've come to accept that Ernest will almost certainly never feed from the breast. That hasn't been an easy fact to face, and there have been some very very dark moments along the way.
We still enjoy plenty of skin to skin times, and I never say never,it's not completely unheard of for older babies to latch on.
Some time over Christmas I gave up the daily struggle of trying to latch Ernest to the breast. The mere thought of offering, however nonchalantly I tried to make that offer was enough to set my heart racing, my head spinning, and the tears spring instantly to my eyes. There was only so much rejection I could handle.
I wrote about it a little here, and discovering this post on another blog by a Mama with a similar story was such a relief, it made so much sense. I definitely needed to make my boobs a happy place.
Meanwhile though, pumping has become our way, we pump seven times a day, including the middle of the night. It's second nature now, Ernest stirs first,between 1-3am and while I would've pulled my other children in to my breast , I wake, sit up, pass Ernest to Woody, who feeds him a bottle of EBM, while I plug myself into the pump. By the time I'm done pumping, Ernest has snuggled back to sleep with Woody, I steal him back, and settle back down to sleep with him, until he wakes me again with his snufflings,, around 4-5am, and I sit up to feed him more EBM. It's a far cry from those lovely nights feeding the others, when by now, all I'd need to do is perhaps a bit of nipple guidance, then drift back off to sleep, but it's become our way, maybe one day I'll look back with some little fondness to our way...maybe?
****
If you have somehow found this page because you too are having problems with tongue tie, posterior tongue tie, high palate, or lip tie, then here are some of the books and sites I found useful.
Books
I think I re read every breastfeeding book on my book shelves and every other breastfeeding book I could get my hands on in the early days, but the one book I found really helped point me in the right direction regarding a diagnosis, and also helped me to fine tune my understanding of how to increase and maintain my milk supply was "Making More Milk"
This book is easy to read, which is all important in those early sleep deprived and stressed out days, and it makes it a much simpler process to figure out just what might be going on with you and your baby. I owe a lot to this book.
Another book, actually came free with my pump, and at first I simply dismissed it,but actually it was very very helpful. "Exclusively Pumping Breastmilk" by Stephanie Casemore. The author is a pumping mother, and it's an excellent resource for any mothers who may find themselves exclusively pumping. The information I found within the pages of this book were far better than any advice I was given by my local lactation consultant, who told me when Ernest was only a few weeks old that I only need pump four times a day for ten minutes. Had I followed that advice, I highly doubt I'd still be pumping enough milk for Ernest at eight months old.
Websites
What would I have done without Kellymom? I'd spend hours going over and over page after page on this wonderful site. So much information.
A few pages I found helpful:
"Help, My Baby Wont Nurse!" (this page is one I read over and over again)
Pumping and Bottlefeeding (incl storage guidelines.)
Breastfeeding A Baby With Tongue Tie
Then, there is MOBI
I can honestly say that finding this site and the associated yahoo group was a turning point for me. The women who make up the yahoo group are inspiring, working damn hard to give their baby's as much breastmilk as they can, under sometimes very very demanding situations.
The women here pointed me in the direction of Dr Kotlow's website, and the work he does with tongue and lip ties.
It was seeing the articles on his site, and the photos of tongue and lip ties that convinced me I was on the right track with my instincts that something more was going on with Ernest than I was being led to believe. Ernest's lip tie was a class iv according to the photos on this leaflet.
I should say here that another Mama from MOBI has put together a great list of symptoms of PTT (and associated problems like lip tie) here, along with some stories from Mamas and babies that have been affected (including mine and Ernest's), and other useful resources.Well worth checking out.
Finally, I'm adding the link to the doctor who treated Ernest, Patrick Sheehan I'm so grateful to him for seeing us so promptly after I contacted him. I wish we had known about him sooner, and still don't understand why we were not referred to him by our lactation consultant much earlier, and why I had to keep plugging on looking for help, and finally an out of area lactation consultant had to tell me about a doctor that treats patients so close to where I live.
Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference, but I can't help thinking that had Ernest been treated when I suspected a problem, he may well be breastfeeding now. I guess we'll never know.
At the very least Dr Sheehan has enabled Ernest to feed more easily from a bottle, and to feed without pain...heck he couldn't even open his mouth properly until the lip tie was snipped!
And I'm going to leave it there for now,(unless I suddenly remember anything super important to add, which I might.
Please please leave a comment if you've been through a similar experience (or even if you haven't ) and would like to add anything useful, or just say hi, I'd love to hear from you.
***
Resources and articles I've come across since writing this post:
The Funny Shaped Woman, Introducing the Maxillary Labial Frenulum
Maddie's Musings, The Kindest Cut
Analytical Armadillo, The Cause Of Your Baby's Reflux/Wind/Colic?
Milk Matters, The Hidden Cause Of Feeding Problems.
Frenectomy Today, Another Tongue Tie and Lip Tie Experience.
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NOTE
If you are looking here for the tongue/sucking skills excercises I posted earlier, I have taken them down while I seek permission from the author to publish them here.
Thank you to Hannah who pointed me in the direction of the author, it seems I had the incorrect intial for her and was googling the wrong name!
The author is Catherine W Genna, her website is here her book Supporting Sucking Skills is available on amazon.
I shared this photo on my 365 project yesterday, and also uploaded it to my flickr account, and now I'm sharing it here.
I was actually shaking when I uploaded it to my 365 project. I felt sick. I haven't allowed any photos of Ernest feeding from a bottle. In fact Woody got quite cross with me at Christmas when I suggested he tell his mother (who takes 100's of unflattering candid shots)no photos with a bottle in shot.
Yesterday though, I was feeding Ernest and we were having a lovely snuggly time, so I allowed India to take this photo.
Honestly I still have mixed feelings about it.
I just thought that Ernest deserved a photo to look back on and see he was fed with love, and perhaps one day I'll be able to look at this photo and not feel shame, but just remember our times together on the rocking chair.
Last week we "celebrated" reaching six months of "booby in a bottle". I'll be honest and say it felt good to reach one of my goals, I'm glad I can at least provide breastmilk for Ernest, even if it is in a bottle.
I've become accustomed recently to making the best of things, for being thankful for what I do have, but oh how I long to breastfeed.
I remember being pregnant with India, and knowing I would breastfeed, despite not being breastfed myself, and only ever seeing one other woman breastfeed while I was growing up. She was a hippy friend of my mother's, and everyone said how strange it was that she was still breastfeeding a toddler. I thought it looked wonderful.
I was lucky, breastfeeding India was easy, not without tears, and a bout of mastitis, but easy, and so it was with Eden,Angus and Sid. By the time Florence was born I had been pregnant and/or breastfeeding for 13 years.
Florence didn't breastfeed. I wished she had.
I remember as I held her in the hospital telling the midwife I wanted to donate her milk. They offered me drugs to dry up the milk, and I reeled in shock. My baby couldn't have my milk, but I needed to see it,to know I was a mother of a newborn, and I hadn't imagined it all.
I donated my breastmilk for six weeks before it dried up, and while I know and understand that for many many bereaved mothers that would not be an option, it was right for me.
In those early days I would bargain with the universe to let me have Florence back, I would say "even if I've missed her life up until now", "even if I can't breastfeed"...."please I just want her back."
There was no question, Ernest would be breastfed, but that hasn't worked out despite our best efforts, and believe me it's been an effort.
I've only just stopped crying every day for the loss of our breastfeeding relationship. I'm only just getting into a rhythm with this new way of mothering.
I don't think of myself as a breastfeeding mother, my baby has breastmilk provided by me, but he's missing out on so much more.
There have been so many times he's needed comfort and all I've been able to offer is my arms, because the breast is not a place of comfort for him, it was painful for him to try and breastfeed, and I'm afraid this mother's breast has not been a happy place.
I found this photo on my phone,taken back in August, Ernest trying to breastfeed.
I was forwarded this wonderful blog post recently, it made me sob with recognition.
I haven't been trying Ernest at the breast very often at all over the past few weeks. I hate that I haven't,but also I recognise that I'm calmer and more able to enjoy our time together. Ernest's babyhood was whizzing by in a fog of pumping,feeding,washing,sterilising,trying nipple shields,biological nurturing,nursing weekends,finger feeding....stress stress stress. (Not to mention grieving mother, and four older kids who need me too.)
The breathing space has been welcome, Ernest and I do have lovely skin to skin times, we co sleep, we babywear, we shower together, and he is always with me, maybe it's not too late, maybe he'll try to breastfeed one of these days, but I'm also much more accepting of the fact that maybe he never will breastfeed.
I'm still bargaining with the universe, "just a comfort feed at bedtime", or "please let me be able to provide milk for him until he's two."
I don't take anything for granted anymore, and I don't expect anything from the Universe, except maybe another kick in the teeth,so we'll do what we've been doing for the past eighteen months, we'll keep on keeping on, and I'll try not to feel like I've failed.
Ernest saw the cranial osteopath for the last time today. His high palate has spread lots since our first appointment, and she thinks that now his tongue is free it'll spread more.
So, it's done,all physical barriers to breastfeeding removed, (as much as they can be).
There is a passage in Oliver James last book, "How Not To F*** Them Up", that says something like "If you've moved heaven and earth to breastfeed, and still not managed it, then there is no point despairing"...I can't write the exact quote because I've loaned the book to a friend.
I do despair. Breastfeeding to me is so very much more than getting milk into my baby. Breastfeeding is how I've mothered my children,it's a deep instinct.
Not breastfeeding hurts me, probably more than many people could ever understand.
I'm cut off from my main mothering tool.
But hey! Ernest is alive and here, and beautiful and growing fat on my milk. Losing Florence has taught me that things could be so much worse.
I'm not giving up, I can't. There's no time limit here, I'll keep on offering my breast, and maybe just maybe.
Right now though, the bottles are winning, and this Mama who wouldn't even have dolls bottles in the house, now owns more bottles and feeding paraphernalia than she ever thought possible.
I've fallen behind with the thirty posts in thirty days project, but with good reason.
We've had a whirlwind week after I managed to track down a doctor who agreed to see Ernest and look at his tongue and lip tie.
The short story is that after a conversation with a lactation consultant out of my area (herself chased up by my lovely LLL friend, Fiona), I googled this doctor and decided to take a chance and email him.
To my surprise his secretary phoned me the very next morning and we went to see him on Wednesday afternoon. Ernest was then admitted to the Royal Manchester Childrens Hospital..with a lot of tears and panicking from me, (hospitals just do that to me now.)
We were allowed home for the evening,and at that point I really wasn't sure we'd return in the morning, but after much soul searching and conversations with two other wonderful LLL friends we decided to go ahead.
Ernest had his posterior tongue tie and lip tie cut under a general anaesthetic at 9am, and we were home by 1pm.
There is a very obvious difference in his mouth, he can actually open it properly for the first time! Obviously we still have a way to go, bottle feeding has taken it's toll, and Ernest has to re learn how to use his new free tongue, but it's such a relief to know he no longer has the restrictions these ties had on him.
Fingers crossed that this is the breakthrough we needed.
****
Now to catch up!
Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss.
It's got to be sewing. I'm passionate about sewing. I love lots of crafts, but sewing is the one that gives me the most satisfation, and the reason I started this blog in the first place.
I don't really think much has changed there, obviously my blog has changed, but my hobby hasn't.
In the first days after Florence died, I sewed. I made her a gown to be buried in. I posted about it here, and it was featured on Still Life 365.
Sewing calms me,I love the hum of my sewing machine, and the warm cotton smell from the iron.
Day 21 - a recipe.
Urmmm, well I'm not really much of a cook. I'm ok,but I don't really enjoy cooking. Woody is the cook in our house, and he's good too, so he cooks almost every day, and I just eat.
One recipe I do like though, because it's super quick and super healthy is what our family calls Green Soup.
Ingredients
2 large courgettes
1 onion
1 medium sized bowl of frozen peas
1 medium sized bowl frozen spinach (can used fresh if you prefer or fresh watercress.)
1/2 nutmeg (grated)
vegetable stock
salt and pepper to taste
a little oil
Directions
Chop and fry the onion in a little oil until it's soft.
Grate the courgettes and add to the onions, fry gently for a minute or two
Add the grated nutmeg and the stock.
Throw in the peas and spinach and top up with boiled water.
Simmer gently for about 20 minutes, blend and add salt and pepper to taste.
Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss.
The site that springs immediately to mind is Glow In The Woods. I remember finding it and being so relieved to be somewhere so warm and comfortable, somewhere I could safely say what was really on my mind, somewhere that didn't think I was an "angel mummy".
Without Glow, my pregnancy after loss would have been even harder, going there and talking to other babylost,but pregnant again Mamas was so important to me. There are things you just can't say on regular pregnancy forums, or to regular pregnant Mamas.
Glow is a sanctuary.
We've had a whirlwind week after I managed to track down a doctor who agreed to see Ernest and look at his tongue and lip tie.
The short story is that after a conversation with a lactation consultant out of my area (herself chased up by my lovely LLL friend, Fiona), I googled this doctor and decided to take a chance and email him.
To my surprise his secretary phoned me the very next morning and we went to see him on Wednesday afternoon. Ernest was then admitted to the Royal Manchester Childrens Hospital..with a lot of tears and panicking from me, (hospitals just do that to me now.)
We were allowed home for the evening,and at that point I really wasn't sure we'd return in the morning, but after much soul searching and conversations with two other wonderful LLL friends we decided to go ahead.
Ernest had his posterior tongue tie and lip tie cut under a general anaesthetic at 9am, and we were home by 1pm.
There is a very obvious difference in his mouth, he can actually open it properly for the first time! Obviously we still have a way to go, bottle feeding has taken it's toll, and Ernest has to re learn how to use his new free tongue, but it's such a relief to know he no longer has the restrictions these ties had on him.
Fingers crossed that this is the breakthrough we needed.
****
Now to catch up!
Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss.
It's got to be sewing. I'm passionate about sewing. I love lots of crafts, but sewing is the one that gives me the most satisfation, and the reason I started this blog in the first place.
I don't really think much has changed there, obviously my blog has changed, but my hobby hasn't.
In the first days after Florence died, I sewed. I made her a gown to be buried in. I posted about it here, and it was featured on Still Life 365.
Sewing calms me,I love the hum of my sewing machine, and the warm cotton smell from the iron.
Day 21 - a recipe.
Urmmm, well I'm not really much of a cook. I'm ok,but I don't really enjoy cooking. Woody is the cook in our house, and he's good too, so he cooks almost every day, and I just eat.
One recipe I do like though, because it's super quick and super healthy is what our family calls Green Soup.
Ingredients
2 large courgettes
1 onion
1 medium sized bowl of frozen peas
1 medium sized bowl frozen spinach (can used fresh if you prefer or fresh watercress.)
1/2 nutmeg (grated)
vegetable stock
salt and pepper to taste
a little oil
Directions
Chop and fry the onion in a little oil until it's soft.
Grate the courgettes and add to the onions, fry gently for a minute or two
Add the grated nutmeg and the stock.
Throw in the peas and spinach and top up with boiled water.
Simmer gently for about 20 minutes, blend and add salt and pepper to taste.
Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss.
The site that springs immediately to mind is Glow In The Woods. I remember finding it and being so relieved to be somewhere so warm and comfortable, somewhere I could safely say what was really on my mind, somewhere that didn't think I was an "angel mummy".
Without Glow, my pregnancy after loss would have been even harder, going there and talking to other babylost,but pregnant again Mamas was so important to me. There are things you just can't say on regular pregnancy forums, or to regular pregnant Mamas.
Glow is a sanctuary.
And this one might get a bit soppy,so apologies in advance.
Recently I've been reading and re reading every book I can get my hands on about breastfeeding, anything to give me a clue how to help Ernest latch. One of those books was Ina May's Guide To Breastfeeding loaned to me by a friend particularly because of a mention of a baby finally latching at four months old. That story did give me hope,but reading on, I found myself in tears reading about Ina May's community (The Farm) and how mothers support one another in a practical way to breastfeed.
I longed for that closeness, for that level of support.
Well, today I finally realised, I may not live in a community like The Farm, but I do have the next best thing, tremendous support. I have friends locally chasing up anyone they think might be able to help me, I have online friends just a click away,kind people I've only met once sending me information, and even lovely people sending me chocolate to get me through the pumping sessions. (thank you, you know who you are!)
To all of you, thank you. x
Recently I've been reading and re reading every book I can get my hands on about breastfeeding, anything to give me a clue how to help Ernest latch. One of those books was Ina May's Guide To Breastfeeding loaned to me by a friend particularly because of a mention of a baby finally latching at four months old. That story did give me hope,but reading on, I found myself in tears reading about Ina May's community (The Farm) and how mothers support one another in a practical way to breastfeed.
I longed for that closeness, for that level of support.
Well, today I finally realised, I may not live in a community like The Farm, but I do have the next best thing, tremendous support. I have friends locally chasing up anyone they think might be able to help me, I have online friends just a click away,kind people I've only met once sending me information, and even lovely people sending me chocolate to get me through the pumping sessions. (thank you, you know who you are!)
To all of you, thank you. x
...Of a beautiful twelve week old baby boy and his struggle to breastfeed.
A while ago, one of the parenting forums I read had a post from a new Mum detailing their day. Just a regular day in the life of a baby. An interesting post, but ( and I hesitate to say this, but it's meant in a non judgemental way )it was a pretty darn perfect day. The baby was breastfeeding beautifully,and didn't cry at all.
That, of course hit a nerve with me.So, here is a day in our life, maybe not a totally typical day because it's the weekend, and we were trying a new tactic, but it might be interesting to someone other than just me...maybe? If not just indulge me.( or hit that little "X" )
A bit of background in brief. ( In case you've missed my whinging posts about our failure to breastfeed. )
Ernest was born with a posterior tongue tie, a high bubble palate and a tight maxillary labial frenum, a combination not conducive to a happy breastfeeding experience.
His tongue tie was cut on day 16, and his palate is starting to smooth out after several treatments from a cranial osteopath.
I have been told his tight lip ( maxillary labial frenum ) is not a problem, something I'm not convinced of.
A combination of jaundice,and consistent weight loss led us to supplement his feeding with bottles from day 10,after cup feeding failed.So now we are also struggling with nipple preference.
We have tried using a Supplemental Nursing System at the breast, nipple shields,biological nursing, and various ways of latching Ernest onto my breasts, all with limited success.
This weekend after a week of chasing my tail with the NHS looking for a second opinion, I decided to try finger feeding for 24 hours in the hope of training Ernest's suck and enticing him back to the breast. This was our day:
Night wakings:
1am, Woody feeds Ernest 100mls EBM by bottle while I pump for 10 mins,150mls
5am, Woody feeds Ernest 90mls EBM by bottle while I pump for 10 mins 150mls
6am, Ernest wakes briefly for a cuddle, and I give him 20mls EBM by bottle.
Morning:
8am, Ernest starts to stir, I offer my breast with nipple shield, Ernest briefly latches,but gets frustrated quickly.I offer my naked breast, Ernest cries and refuses.I give 60mls EBM by bottle.
Woody changes and dresses Ernest while I pump for 10 mins, 120mls.
Ernest kicks about on our bed listening to his music box, while I fold nappies next to him.
Woody has meanwhile made breakfast, I eat breakfast at the PC,while Woody cuddles Ernest.
Ernest shows signs of being ready for a nap, I cuddle him to sleep.
9am, I have a shower while Ernest sleeps. I was planning a pyjama day,but we are expecting guests so I compromise and dress in yoga pants and a comfy t shirt instead.Have time to quickly brush my hair before Ernest wakes.
10am,I try our first Finger Feed 60mls EBM
It's tricky, and I need help from Woody, but it's a success, I think.
I then offer my breast (without the nipple shield). Ernest is happy, all smiles. He licks milk drips and nuzzles but does not latch on. I figure he at least is happy at the breast and not crying.
Time for some chores. I wear Ernest on my back while I wash and sterilise the bottles ,pump flanges and SNS. And while I sort laundry, and peg out the wet washing.
11am Ernest is now tired. I offer my naked (no nipple shield) breast again,but he pulls away crying.
Woody cuddles Ernest while I pump, 10 mins 140mls
India plays with Ernest, all smiles, but after a few minutes starts to fuss. I try finger feeding again, but Ernest cries. I cuddle him to sleep. (This is something I hate about not being able to nurse Ernest to sleep, it often means he cries to sleep, albeit in my arms.)
12 noon, Ernest sleeps lightly on our bed, while I fold laundry nearby.
India comes stomping and shouting up the stairs and wakes Ernest.
I give Ernest 50mls EBM via finger feeding.
Ernest falls asleep in my arms, and I make a cup of tea, wash and sterilise the SNS all while cuddling him to my chest.
Ernest wakes, and I change his nappy.
1pm, I finger feed Ernest, 20 mls EBM. Ernest poops, so I change his nappy.
I offer him the breast with nipple shield. He refuses, but falls asleep on my chest, so I sit and read. (latest edition of "The Womanly Art Of Breastfeeding", which makes me cry.)
2pm Ernest wakes, and I offer first a naked breast and then with a nipple shield, both are refused.
Aware that our guests are due any moment, I panic slightly and Woody gives Ernest a bottle feed 60mls EBM while I pump, 10 mins 120mls.
Then, aware I've not eaten since breakfast I eat a bowl of soup quickly while Woody cuddles Ernest, and our guests arrive.
Ernest is unsettled while our guests are here, (and is probably also picking up on my unease, even though I'm happy to see our guests.)He fusses and dozes on me.
I offer to finger feed several times, but each time he refuses.
I change his nappy, and give in offering him a bottle of EBM which he drinks greedily. 70mls.
5pm, Our guests have left, and I pump for 10 mins, 140 mls, while Woody cuddles Ernest.Ernest is fussy.
6pm Ernest falls asleep, and I put him in his pram in the kitchen. Ernest wakes just as my dinner is put on the table.
I finger feed Ernest, 60mls EBM. Then I eat dinner with one hand (Woody cuts it up for me) while I hold Ernest on my knee. (my dinner is cold by now.)
Woody cuddles Ernest while I tidy up, wash and sterilise bottles, SNS, and pump flanges ready for the night.
I top and tail Ernest (he hates baths) and dress him ready for bed.
7pm Ernest and I cuddle on our bed, I sing to him and he coos and smiles back at me.
I offer naked breast (no nipple shield) and he cries and refuses.
I'm tired, emotional, and wondering how I'm going to get through the night finger feeding, so give in and offer a bottle. He drinks 80mls EBM
8pm I pump for 10 mins, 140mls.
Ernest poops, so I change his nappy. He then falls asleep on my chest.
9pm Ernest wakes, he's fussy. Woody and I take turns to cuddle him. I give a bottle of EBM 60mls, he then sleeps and doesn't wake again until 1am.
That was yesterday. This morning I spent 45 mins trying to get him to take the breast as he stirred from his sleep, to no avail. Once he awoke properly at 8am, I offered the breast and he refused it. He then took a finger feed of 50mls, not too happily, taking a 140ml bottle feed just an hour later.
I haven't tried finger feeding again today.
I'm not sure what my next step is.
A while ago, one of the parenting forums I read had a post from a new Mum detailing their day. Just a regular day in the life of a baby. An interesting post, but ( and I hesitate to say this, but it's meant in a non judgemental way )it was a pretty darn perfect day. The baby was breastfeeding beautifully,and didn't cry at all.
That, of course hit a nerve with me.So, here is a day in our life, maybe not a totally typical day because it's the weekend, and we were trying a new tactic, but it might be interesting to someone other than just me...maybe? If not just indulge me.( or hit that little "X" )
A bit of background in brief. ( In case you've missed my whinging posts about our failure to breastfeed. )
Ernest was born with a posterior tongue tie, a high bubble palate and a tight maxillary labial frenum, a combination not conducive to a happy breastfeeding experience.
His tongue tie was cut on day 16, and his palate is starting to smooth out after several treatments from a cranial osteopath.
I have been told his tight lip ( maxillary labial frenum ) is not a problem, something I'm not convinced of.
A combination of jaundice,and consistent weight loss led us to supplement his feeding with bottles from day 10,after cup feeding failed.So now we are also struggling with nipple preference.
We have tried using a Supplemental Nursing System at the breast, nipple shields,biological nursing, and various ways of latching Ernest onto my breasts, all with limited success.
This weekend after a week of chasing my tail with the NHS looking for a second opinion, I decided to try finger feeding for 24 hours in the hope of training Ernest's suck and enticing him back to the breast. This was our day:
Night wakings:
1am, Woody feeds Ernest 100mls EBM by bottle while I pump for 10 mins,150mls
5am, Woody feeds Ernest 90mls EBM by bottle while I pump for 10 mins 150mls
6am, Ernest wakes briefly for a cuddle, and I give him 20mls EBM by bottle.
Morning:
8am, Ernest starts to stir, I offer my breast with nipple shield, Ernest briefly latches,but gets frustrated quickly.I offer my naked breast, Ernest cries and refuses.I give 60mls EBM by bottle.
Woody changes and dresses Ernest while I pump for 10 mins, 120mls.
Ernest kicks about on our bed listening to his music box, while I fold nappies next to him.
Woody has meanwhile made breakfast, I eat breakfast at the PC,while Woody cuddles Ernest.
Ernest shows signs of being ready for a nap, I cuddle him to sleep.
9am, I have a shower while Ernest sleeps. I was planning a pyjama day,but we are expecting guests so I compromise and dress in yoga pants and a comfy t shirt instead.Have time to quickly brush my hair before Ernest wakes.
10am,I try our first Finger Feed 60mls EBM
It's tricky, and I need help from Woody, but it's a success, I think.
I then offer my breast (without the nipple shield). Ernest is happy, all smiles. He licks milk drips and nuzzles but does not latch on. I figure he at least is happy at the breast and not crying.
Time for some chores. I wear Ernest on my back while I wash and sterilise the bottles ,pump flanges and SNS. And while I sort laundry, and peg out the wet washing.
11am Ernest is now tired. I offer my naked (no nipple shield) breast again,but he pulls away crying.
Woody cuddles Ernest while I pump, 10 mins 140mls
India plays with Ernest, all smiles, but after a few minutes starts to fuss. I try finger feeding again, but Ernest cries. I cuddle him to sleep. (This is something I hate about not being able to nurse Ernest to sleep, it often means he cries to sleep, albeit in my arms.)
12 noon, Ernest sleeps lightly on our bed, while I fold laundry nearby.
India comes stomping and shouting up the stairs and wakes Ernest.
I give Ernest 50mls EBM via finger feeding.
Ernest falls asleep in my arms, and I make a cup of tea, wash and sterilise the SNS all while cuddling him to my chest.
Ernest wakes, and I change his nappy.
1pm, I finger feed Ernest, 20 mls EBM. Ernest poops, so I change his nappy.
I offer him the breast with nipple shield. He refuses, but falls asleep on my chest, so I sit and read. (latest edition of "The Womanly Art Of Breastfeeding", which makes me cry.)
2pm Ernest wakes, and I offer first a naked breast and then with a nipple shield, both are refused.
Aware that our guests are due any moment, I panic slightly and Woody gives Ernest a bottle feed 60mls EBM while I pump, 10 mins 120mls.
Then, aware I've not eaten since breakfast I eat a bowl of soup quickly while Woody cuddles Ernest, and our guests arrive.
Ernest is unsettled while our guests are here, (and is probably also picking up on my unease, even though I'm happy to see our guests.)He fusses and dozes on me.
I offer to finger feed several times, but each time he refuses.
I change his nappy, and give in offering him a bottle of EBM which he drinks greedily. 70mls.
5pm, Our guests have left, and I pump for 10 mins, 140 mls, while Woody cuddles Ernest.Ernest is fussy.
6pm Ernest falls asleep, and I put him in his pram in the kitchen. Ernest wakes just as my dinner is put on the table.
I finger feed Ernest, 60mls EBM. Then I eat dinner with one hand (Woody cuts it up for me) while I hold Ernest on my knee. (my dinner is cold by now.)
Woody cuddles Ernest while I tidy up, wash and sterilise bottles, SNS, and pump flanges ready for the night.
I top and tail Ernest (he hates baths) and dress him ready for bed.
7pm Ernest and I cuddle on our bed, I sing to him and he coos and smiles back at me.
I offer naked breast (no nipple shield) and he cries and refuses.
I'm tired, emotional, and wondering how I'm going to get through the night finger feeding, so give in and offer a bottle. He drinks 80mls EBM
8pm I pump for 10 mins, 140mls.
Ernest poops, so I change his nappy. He then falls asleep on my chest.
9pm Ernest wakes, he's fussy. Woody and I take turns to cuddle him. I give a bottle of EBM 60mls, he then sleeps and doesn't wake again until 1am.
That was yesterday. This morning I spent 45 mins trying to get him to take the breast as he stirred from his sleep, to no avail. Once he awoke properly at 8am, I offered the breast and he refused it. He then took a finger feed of 50mls, not too happily, taking a 140ml bottle feed just an hour later.
I haven't tried finger feeding again today.
I'm not sure what my next step is.
Attempting to double pump in a busy Little Chef car park is never going to be very conducive to milk collection, but pumping with a view like this one is much nicer.
Today has been very tiring. A three hour journey to Wales, a crying baby in a packed church,rocking baby outside in the wind (after falling down the church step), being accosted (hugged and kissed) by some random elderly welsh guy with dubious personal hygeine, then taking grumpy baby to a crowded hotel bar, till he cries and once again we find ourselves outside in the cold.Then another long drive home.
I'm in my jammies now, too tired to eat, I just need another big cup of tea and a snuggle with my family.
I think the funeral went well, I pretty much missed it. I know I've never seen so many catholic priests in one place all at once.x
I've been thinking. Woody always says I think too much, he's probably right. This week I've thought about some things so much my brain hurts.
We have a funeral to go to on Friday, and even with all this thinking I still don't know how I feel about that. I can't say much more on the subject either for fear of hurting people I really do care for.
****
Ernest and I had another pyjama day yesterday, all in the hope of teaching him to nurse from the breast, it's a slow slow process, but I think we might be getting somewhere....
And even if we are not, a day in bed with my little guy, some choccy biscuits, lots of tea and some knitting, what better way is there to spend a Saturday?
We've had an exhausting week, back to school for the big ones, and the beginning of our new routine including visits to the cranial osteopath and to mum and baby yoga. Lots of bus journeys and lots of walking, all fitted in around the call of the breastpump.
We are now drowning in lovely breastmilk, no more formula! The next task is persuading Ernest to drink from the source, that's hopefully where the cranial osteopath can help out.
Meanwhile, Ernest grows, and has to put up with his Mummy taking photos of almost every outfit he wears. Here he is in his Blue Dahlia Stripe (organic cotton) sleepsuit.
Last of the pic spam for today at least!
Ernest asleep in his fave place, and look , he has Florence grasped in his little hand.
We are being brave and planning a day out at Grandmas tomorrow. I've just packed a bag for Ernest,and just need to test the batteries for my mini pump. Our first day out with him, and our first day out with bottles for a baby..oh for the convenience of simply breastfeeding....
Please keep everything crossed for us, send us happy pumping/feeding vibes and easy journey with no traffic jams...bank holiday and travelling to the coast...hmmm I can hope can't I?
The newborn fog is clearing slowly, gradually being replaced by a sleepy haze, but that I think I can live with for a while anyway.
Ernest likes to sleep for about an hour,then wake for an hour throughout the night. That wouldn't be so hard going if he'd mastered breastfeeding, but when he wakes I have to pass him to Woody (who is not used to being woken at night by a baby) to feed him, while I pump for the next feed.(If only I had an extra pair of hands)
Ernest prefers me to feed him (with the bottle.) and so after pumping, he's passed back to me to finish the feed. I'll attempt to breastfeed (ever hopeful), then there's a nappy change, possibly another feed, a cuddle, and finally sleep, if we are very lucky a dream (breast) feed.
Our days too revolve around my pumping schedule..every two hours for about five to ten minutes.
The good news is,that I am very almost caught up with the whole "supply and demand" thing, and over the past two days Ernest has only had 30ml of the evil cow stuff.*
I could probably rant on and on about how thouroughly shitty it is not breastfeeding, (and I know Ernest is getting my milk, but I don't feel like I'm breastfeeding) and I expect it's a theme I'll be returning to lots, but for now let me just say that it breaks my heart when I'm feeding him from a bottle and I get a let down reflex.
Still, as Woody reminded me (not that I really needed reminding anyway) just a few short weeks ago I wasn't even sure Ernest would be here in my arms, and if I have to pump and feed him my milk that way that's just what I have to do.
I remember this time last year bargaining with the Universe, asking for Florence "Even if I've missed the first four weeks of her life", "Even if I can't breastfeed". I'd have had her back, and I still would.
The breastfeeding thing is still shit though, really really shit.
Oh yes, and the carrot flowers? With all the chaos of the past five weeks our carrots, and our salad all bolted,the slugs ate most of my flowers and the lawn is knee high!
* I don't use this term to offend any formula feeders out there, it's just my personal opinion.
I'm feeling sad, I know I'm always going to feel sad, even when I'm happy. I know that's my life now and forever. I accept that.
I knew having another baby wasn't going to fix everything, I knew it was going to be hard. I've always known Ernest was never going to be Florence.They are two very seperate little people, and having Ernest here reminds me every day of everything I didn't know about Florence, everything I will never know.
I still feel such guilt and shame that Florence died, that somehow I let her down. I know logically that's not true, but I feel it. She grew inside me, I birthed her, and that's just how I feel.
Then there is the guilt that Ernest was birthed too soon, that because no one could guarantee he'd be born healthy if he went to term that it was safer to evict him three weeks early. That being early meant his jaundice was so bad and that he's struggled with breastfeeding.
He's gaining weight now, I can see him filling out, growing out of his first clothes, but that doesn't stop my mind occasionally wandering off. I catch myself wondering what clothes we'd bury him in if we had to, which toy we'd choose to put in his coffin....I guess that's normal for a babylost parent?
I've had moments where I've been convinced that Mother Nature/the universe/whatever was trying to take him away, why else would he be struggling so with breastfeeding?
I think I sound like a crazy lady. I met my health visitor a week or so ago, and she has that head tilt and look in her eyes like she thinks I'm crazy too, and I'm even careful what I say to her.
Maybe I sound ungrateful. I'm not, I'm very aware of just how lucky we are to have Ernest. He is a joy.
I'm just so scared for him. I'm not alone either. I wake up sometimes and Woody is leaning over Ernest and I, "just checking". Even the children worry. They ask questions I'm certain children who haven't cradled their dead sister in their arms don't ask.
I hold Ernest in my arms, or in the sling and I breath in his delicious scent, as deep as I can, trying to hold onto it. Florence never had time to smell so divine. I tried to smell her,but she was gone.
I can imagine the non babylost reading this and thinking poor Ernest is in the shadow of his dead sister. I guess he is, and will always be. There will always be his birthday followed by hers.This time of year will always be full of ghosts. I will always be sad. Ernest will only know the bereaved me, not the Mummy I was before.
I hope he'll always know just how precious he is to all of us though. I hope he'll know how special he is, and how loved he is for him.
I knew having another baby wasn't going to fix everything, I knew it was going to be hard. I've always known Ernest was never going to be Florence.They are two very seperate little people, and having Ernest here reminds me every day of everything I didn't know about Florence, everything I will never know.
I still feel such guilt and shame that Florence died, that somehow I let her down. I know logically that's not true, but I feel it. She grew inside me, I birthed her, and that's just how I feel.
Then there is the guilt that Ernest was birthed too soon, that because no one could guarantee he'd be born healthy if he went to term that it was safer to evict him three weeks early. That being early meant his jaundice was so bad and that he's struggled with breastfeeding.
He's gaining weight now, I can see him filling out, growing out of his first clothes, but that doesn't stop my mind occasionally wandering off. I catch myself wondering what clothes we'd bury him in if we had to, which toy we'd choose to put in his coffin....I guess that's normal for a babylost parent?
I've had moments where I've been convinced that Mother Nature/the universe/whatever was trying to take him away, why else would he be struggling so with breastfeeding?
I think I sound like a crazy lady. I met my health visitor a week or so ago, and she has that head tilt and look in her eyes like she thinks I'm crazy too, and I'm even careful what I say to her.
Maybe I sound ungrateful. I'm not, I'm very aware of just how lucky we are to have Ernest. He is a joy.
I'm just so scared for him. I'm not alone either. I wake up sometimes and Woody is leaning over Ernest and I, "just checking". Even the children worry. They ask questions I'm certain children who haven't cradled their dead sister in their arms don't ask.
I hold Ernest in my arms, or in the sling and I breath in his delicious scent, as deep as I can, trying to hold onto it. Florence never had time to smell so divine. I tried to smell her,but she was gone.
I can imagine the non babylost reading this and thinking poor Ernest is in the shadow of his dead sister. I guess he is, and will always be. There will always be his birthday followed by hers.This time of year will always be full of ghosts. I will always be sad. Ernest will only know the bereaved me, not the Mummy I was before.
I hope he'll always know just how precious he is to all of us though. I hope he'll know how special he is, and how loved he is for him.
While pumping this morning, this was my view. Perfect to get the oxytocin flowing and then the milk. x
I've been holding back for so long now, and there's still no time or space for my tears. I've got to pull myself together and get on with the task in hand. Just as the tears start to flow I stop them.
I had to seperate Florence away, put her in a little cosy corner of my mind, while I dealt with the physicality of being induced and giving birth. I allowed myself one weakness as Ernest was crowning, and cried out for him, "Come on Baby!".
He arrived and I was in shock, I didn't sleep for two days afraid he'd be gone any second.
Then, before I could start to breath again we were in hospital on her day, no space for tears, Ernest needed me strong.
Another hospital stay, more blood tests, bloody breastfeeding shit, pumping and bottles and just well shit, but I still can't cry. I can't scream and shout and smash things up because I've got to be bloody brave (I hate that word!)and I've got to get through all this, and I will too, I have to.
I just need to stamp my feet a little, let it out just a little then put the lid on as tight as I can.
I just want to breastfeed, and maybe then I can cry for what can never be. x
I had to seperate Florence away, put her in a little cosy corner of my mind, while I dealt with the physicality of being induced and giving birth. I allowed myself one weakness as Ernest was crowning, and cried out for him, "Come on Baby!".
He arrived and I was in shock, I didn't sleep for two days afraid he'd be gone any second.
Then, before I could start to breath again we were in hospital on her day, no space for tears, Ernest needed me strong.
Another hospital stay, more blood tests, bloody breastfeeding shit, pumping and bottles and just well shit, but I still can't cry. I can't scream and shout and smash things up because I've got to be bloody brave (I hate that word!)and I've got to get through all this, and I will too, I have to.
I just need to stamp my feet a little, let it out just a little then put the lid on as tight as I can.
I just want to breastfeed, and maybe then I can cry for what can never be. x
Today I have that horrible nervous tumbling inside. It's weighing day and it's tongue snipping day.
Oh how I hate those scales, the way his tiny pink body reacts to the cold plastic and he flings out his arms instinctively. The dread in the pit of my stomach as I wait for the digital readout to settle.
I can hear my voice in my head from the old me, waffling something about "watching the baby not the scales", but the truth is he lost a *lot* of weight. (I stopped remembering after the first 1lb).
My poor wee baby was only getting enough calories to keep himself alive. I'm ashamed I didn't notice. The shock that he was here and alive was clouding my vision.
The shock is slowly lifting, and I even found myself looking forward the other day.Only into next month, and only for a moment, but I told Woody and he said he'd done the same thing too, for the first time since Florence was born.
Yesterday we managed to fit a walk in the park into our pumping and feeding schedule. We went to a local National Trust park. (We promised the big ones ice cream.)
I wasn't prepared for the smiles and admiring looks and comments and questions from passers by as they spotted Ernest snuggled in his sling.
I felt so exposed and so close to tears, they can't see Florence, they can't see all that has gone before, all that brought this beautiful baby to us. Why should they?
Oh my goodness, how that hurts though. I can't even really explain how.
All I know is I wanted to just hold him even tighter, and shield him from the world.
Before we left the park,I breastfed Ernest in the car and then he needed his bottle of mama milk, and I hid below the dashboard. I didn't want anyone to see I was bottlefeeding.
I am ashamed that we are struggling, and I know that I shouldn't be. Lots of people struggle, and there's no shame in that, but I do feel like I'm failing at something I was always so very good at.
Maybe it's the hormones, or maybe it's the shadow of a dead baby, but it's shame I feel.
I guess I just have to feel it and then let it go, and get on with dealing with the problem.
The tongue snip is this afternoon. I'm hoping for the miracle feeding solution I keep reading about, but I'm realistic. Ernest's tongue tie is not severe, but it's impacting enough to cause problems, so the snip is advised.
I can hope though, right?
Hope has kept me going this past year. x
Ernest has been back in hospital. His jaundice peeked again, and so he needed more phototherapy. this time at the children's ward.
Let's just say I didn't manage to hold it together quite so well on this visit, and when the pead started to look for a vein in his hand I had a massive flashback and panic attack.
We were very well looked after by the staff though, and able to come home by lunch time today, with everything crossed that the jaundice doesn't get bad again.
The pead assured me Ernest is a healthy baby, and this kind of jaundice is not uncommon.
Just keeping everything crossed that the levels don't rise again, because if they do, it's another trip to hospital, and I'm not sure how much more we can take...and dear Universe that's not a challenge!
Let's just say I didn't manage to hold it together quite so well on this visit, and when the pead started to look for a vein in his hand I had a massive flashback and panic attack.
We were very well looked after by the staff though, and able to come home by lunch time today, with everything crossed that the jaundice doesn't get bad again.
The pead assured me Ernest is a healthy baby, and this kind of jaundice is not uncommon.
Just keeping everything crossed that the levels don't rise again, because if they do, it's another trip to hospital, and I'm not sure how much more we can take...and dear Universe that's not a challenge!
A whole year, gone. 
Florence's day was planned, anticipated, but the Universe once again had different ideas, and Ernest and I found ourselves readmitted to hospital on Wednesday night. Ernest had jaundice and needed phototherapy.
Ernest and I spent Florence's special day in the same hospital , a couple of floors down. The same view from the windows.
We are home now, Ernest is well.
Woody and the children went ahead with our plans, and that's ok. They brought these photos in to hospital for me.
We miss her, and so much more that is for another day...
