No time for tears.

8:16 am

I've been holding back for so long now, and there's still no time or space for my tears. I've got to pull myself together and get on with the task in hand. Just as the tears start to flow I stop them.
I had to seperate Florence away, put her in a little cosy corner of my mind, while I dealt with the physicality of being induced and giving birth. I allowed myself one weakness as Ernest was crowning, and cried out for him, "Come on Baby!".
He arrived and I was in shock, I didn't sleep for two days afraid he'd be gone any second.
Then, before I could start to breath again we were in hospital on her day, no space for tears, Ernest needed me strong.
Another hospital stay, more blood tests, bloody breastfeeding shit, pumping and bottles and just well shit, but I still can't cry. I can't scream and shout and smash things up because I've got to be bloody brave (I hate that word!)and I've got to get through all this, and I will too, I have to.
I just need to stamp my feet a little, let it out just a little then put the lid on as tight as I can.
I just want to breastfeed, and maybe then I can cry for what can never be. x

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20 comments

  1. Hugs m'love. I don't know what else to say. You're surrounded by people who care very much that everything gets better for you. Take care. Much love Tracy M XXXXXXX

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  2. Sending loads of love your way today. What a huge few weeks you've had.
    xo

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  3. Sending love. Hope you find time for tears soon if that's what you need.

    Maddie x

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  4. oh honey i'm sorry its been tough, you've got to let it out sometime though , i'm sure you know what happens when you bottle it all up. who do you have to be brave for sweetheart? little ernest and all your children have your unconditional love as you have there's as does your husband too. they are all there to help and support you through all this, you are all a team. i only want very good things for you, i hope this message didn't come across as too bold, sending loads of love xxx anne

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  5. stamp those feet hon

    the time will come xxxx

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  6. Jeanette remember that when the tears flow the milk does too.....so maybe you can let a bit of it out and have a good cry while you feed your precious bundle. It seems like a heavy load for you, if some of it comes out you will feel lighter xxxxx

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  7. The tears will come at some stage - probably when you least expect it.
    I know you hate the word brave, but don't forget you are one of the strongest women I know.
    As a family unit you are incredible.
    Love to all of you.

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  8. Find the space to scream & time to cry.
    x

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  9. oh i wish you lived near me, so i could help out. you need lots of hugs!

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  10. Stamp away. I would suggest throwing pots and pans.. but baby boy might not like that! Much hugs. xx

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  11. I am so sorry. Maybe the tears will help? I think that it can't hurt ~ and will probably allow you to exhale a bit.

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  12. Thinking of you. Hoping it will soon all feel very different and you'll look back at these days as weird but somehow cathartic.

    Am frankly astonished anyone can do anything even like talking when about to give birth - I can only manage an odd groany moan :)

    Lots of love.

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  13. oh honey, I will cry with you
    love love love
    M

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  14. Hugs and kisses and hankies Jeanette xxx

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  15. I think you are long overdue a damned good cry.
    Sending love, thoughts and big hugs
    San xxx

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  16. Oh just let those tears go next time you feel them coming don't hold back. Crying is a brave thing to do. Ernest will know how you are feeling regardless of if he sees your tears or not, he also can feel your love for him and thats what matters most. Please let it all out. Sending you loads of love and tears, you've made me cry reading this.Ox

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  17. Sending more love from over the seas and oceans. xxx

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  18. Agreeing with all the others. Nowt wrong with a good cry. Hoping the breastfeeding is getting easier. Sending lots of love xxx

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  19. Thinking of you Jeanette, i agree with oriana about crying being a brave thing. As for me am choked up just reading your post and the reaponses.

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  20. oh sweetheart maybe we can all cry with you ?
    I have no idea how you are doing what you are doing you are such a fab Mummy to all your childrenxxx

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