I'm really enjoying the 365 project. I think it's interesting how the photo I invariably end up using isn't the one I had in mind at the beginning of the day. I'm taking a lot more photos than usual, and I'm considering each one more than I would normally.
There's so much I don't know about my camera, and I admit I tend to only ever use it in auto with the flash off, I'm too scared to try manual, but maybe this project will give me that push.

Some photos that didn't make it today.

We are still pumping.


This lovely ornament arrived today from Jenn, thank you. x

New shoes, (impossible to walk in), and kitchen experiments with my boys.

I don't want to steal your baby, I have never wanted to steal any one's baby. My daughter is not replaceable, she died in my arms, and all I've ever wanted is her.
Of all the many baby loss parents I have met in real life and over the web, I have never known any of them crave anything more than to hold their own baby.
In fact, for many many of us bereaved parents the thought of holding or even sometimes just seeing and hearing any other babies is terrifying.

And so, writers of a certain dreary soap opera, thank you. Thank you for perpetuating the myth of the crazed bereaved mother, for keeping baby death the taboo it already is, and for causing parents already suffering more than you clearly can understand, more heartache.

No, I don't watch your horrible programme, but I live in a world where millions do, and I have to stand in the school playground, the supermarket, at toddler groups, I listen to the radio, I watch tv, and I read parenting forums, all discussing this plot line. All drawing their own conclusions based on misinformation.

I just hope you never have to suffer the pain of burying your child.

So, I've signed up with 365 Project, maybe taking a photo every day will force me to take better photos, I hope so.

Oh and a winner for my NYE give away....Congratulations commenter number 2, Melissa. I have no problems posting to Iowa.
(winner picked using random.org.)

I've had the urge to tidy today, a little Ernest who doesn't want to nap unless snuggled up with me has meant I haven't really got very far, but I did find these little felted wool heart decorations on my desk, and was reminded that I meant to give them away.
I've added ribbons to hang them since these photos were taken, so you could hang them anywhere.Only one has the "baby" decorations on.
Just leave me a comment, and I'll pick a winner after the weekend. x

ETA: I'm happy to post worldwide.x

There is a stillness at this time of year that I find unsettling and invigorating in equal measure.
Last year, I was so desperate to hold on to 2009. I was so afraid of losing Florence's year, and although the turning of another year takes her further back in time, I'm not dreading 2011 quite as much as I did 2010.
I think it might seem strange to many that I dreaded 2010 so much when i already knew I was pregnant again. And maybe it seems strange that I'm glad to leave 2010 behind when it was the year our beautiful Ernest was born.
2010 has been exhausting. Grieving one life, while growing another is probably the closest I've come to losing my mind. Follow that up with breastfeeding problems and hospital stays, and then just the general terror of mothering a newborn after a traumatic loss, not to mention trying to mother four growing and grieving older children; I think it's no wonder that these days I find myself walking a very fine line between grief and depression.
I'm not alone I know, with feeling lost with my grief. I'm tired of myself,and am not at all surprised that maybe others are tired of me too.
My grief has changed, I don't get flashbacks so often and so unexpectedly. the grief is burrowing deeper inside, less obvious to everyone else, but always there, always hurting.A relentless ache with no dignity.
All this, unyet I'm so lucky, and don't think for one moment I don't realise how lucky I am.
I'm typing this with Ernest nuzzled into my neck, sleeping on my shoulder. I don't expect him to cure my aching heart, but he's a joy all of his own, and so loved.

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Khalil Gibran

Thank you to everyone who has sent us cards and ornaments this year.
I love it when I open a card to see Florence included in some way, and one of my friends managed to even make me chuckle with her card and ponderings on how to include Florence. (I think you know who you are, thank you, you made me smile. I know how you and yours think of Florence often.)

This gorgeous snow globe came from a very special friend, and this is staying up all year round. I give it a little shake every time I pass it and send a little "hello" off into the Universe. Love you Hev. x

This felted ornament was made by another blogger, Sad Kitty as part of the ornament swap organised by Jenny. I love it.
This was such great project to take part in. I enjoyed making the ornament for my swapee, and almost forgot I was going to receive one too. A lovely way to connect with grieving parents around the world, and hopefully pass on a little hope between us all.



This lovely little dove came from another speciial friend, thank you Lisa. x



These hang together with the ornament we bought for Florence this year, a porcelain heart from this seller on Etsy. I also couldn't resist a few little pieces from her for the children's stockings too, check her out.



And of course the ornaments bought, and made, and gifted to us last year.
India said soon, we'll have just Florence ornaments for Christmas.
It goes without saying, (but I will) that we all wish we had more.

Tomorrow, we will take roses and a Christmas balloon to Florence's grave, and we will carry in our hearts all of the babies and families we know who are missing their precious children this Christmas and always.

***

And now for a winner! Using Random.org the chosen winner of the little pinafore is commenter number 6, Just Me.
There are no contact details for you in your profile honey, so I'm really hoping you see this. email me jeanette dot archer at gmail dot com with your contact details and I'll get the dress off in the post after the holidays.

Love and Light to all my readers this Christmas. x

I think there are things I do like about Christmas.
I like making decorations, and hanging them. I like making and choosing gifts for people I love, and I like being home with my family.

Our second Christmas without Florence. She would be 17 months old today. Maybe she'd have a few little curls at the nape of her neck, and maybe those curls would still have the hint of red I thought I saw when she was born. Would she have green eyes like me? We glimpsed a sliver of blue once, but her colouring was more like mine, so maybe by now they'd be green or hazel like Eden's.
Maybe, I'd have picked out a little dress for her, and tights and shiney shoes...

The sobs choke me, out of nowhere, and then Ernest smiles and he's so irresistably squishable, and my heart aches and melts, the tears of joy and sorrow burn my cheeks.

There's a Florence shaped hole deep inside, and no amount of chocolate or mince pies can fill it, believe me, I've tried. (And that's a post for another day)

This time using these fab freebie designs by Jenny at Allsorts. I printed them onto adhesive paper and used them to brighten up this plain tissue paper.

Thinking of you and your family and especially your Mummy, Angie. x

I don't much like gift wrapping. I always have these great ideas in my head, but generally end up with crinkly paper and huge globs of sticky tape.
Then there's the whole waste thing....
Yesterday someone posted this link on one of the forums I use, and I decided to give it a go.
So quick and easy and effective, and most importantly I get these fat quarters of Shade Garden back, cos I used them to wrap Ernest's pressies.

Lookee over there in my side bar...scroll down a bit....there a free PDF pattern for my Flossie's Pinafore.



I designed this pattern a while back, initially for a book submission. That never came to anything, so I thought I'd simply share it here with you, my readers.I hope you like it.

I have had a good sewing pal test the pattern for me, but you know, sometimes even the best of us can miss things, so if you find any problems with the instructions or the pattern please let me know and I'll do my best to figure things out.

Please do add any piccies of your dresses to the flickr group, I'd love to see them.

Please don't use this pattern to make dresses to sell. this pattern was designed in memory of my beautiful Florence, and I'd be very hurt and upset if anyone took advantage of that.

Please do consider making a charitable donation to your local NICU, SCBU, or children's hospice if you do use the pattern.


And finally, just for those who don't sew, I've got one Pinafore to give away. This is a size 12-18mths, and could be yours, just leave a comment, and I'll choose a winner on Christmas Eve. (sorry, not one for the boys, but I'll work on something for the New Year.)

I felt the need to Christmas up Florence's little area in our hallway.
There are six little paper stockings on the tree.



I keep wanting to write more, but I just can't find the right words. x

I've had a lot of practice answering the dreaded "How many children?" question .
Woody hasn't had the practice I've had. I could see the word hovering for a second or two on his lips, and then the sadness as he said "five"
It's just polite dinner conversation, a little light teasing about our family size, all well intentioned.
Everyone knows about Florence, but no one mentions her.
The room gets a little spinney, Woody and I exchange glances, that perhaps no one else sees.

x

There are fewer decorations at the cemetery this year, at least amongst Florence's neighbours. I guess that's just how it goes.
I decided on a little pink tree this year, with sparkly butterflies.

And two little Christmas friends.


Our second Christmas without her. I don't know what to say about that. How many times can I say I miss her, we miss her?

We do. x

I have the next two sizes up ready to go, and hopefully a home for this little bonnet, must knit quicker!

Ernest is mostly worn, but sometimes we use the pram. Winter is well and truly here, and not relishing the idea of spending £85 on the buggy snuggle that fits the Xplory, and not having the time to sew something from scratch, my lovely friend (and thankfully hoarder) Mary sent me over a gorgeous little warm baby nest that fitted perfectly. Only problem was the colour didn't quite work with the purple of the pram. (guess who forgot to take before pics.)
So, using an inexpensive fleece blanket I'd bought from Ikea, initially intending to use it to make India a hoody, I re covered the baby nest and we now have a lovely bright buggy snuggle.
There is still enough fabric left for India's hoody,but she's reluctant to wear anything that matches the pram...oops!

Comment number 14, and excluding deleted comments and comments asked to be ignored that means Angela it's you!

I'm moved to tears once again by everyone who commented and want you all to know that I've clicked through where possible to all of your stories and you and all your sweet babies are in my thoughts this Christmas.

I have four little runners up ornaments I'd like to give away too, and those go to:

Jessica
Michelle HS
Christy
Lea

If you'd all email me your addresses, I'll pop your ornaments in the post .
jeanette dot archer at gmail dot com

x

Today is the first day of 25 Days Of Giveaways, and I'm honoured to be taking part.

My give away is this ornament made especially for a babylost family. The heart is recycled from a felted sweater, on one side is a little heart made up from brightly coloured buttons, and on the other a pocket containing a little scroll for you to write your message of love to your baby or babies.

You can hang this on your Christmas tree or really anywhere in your home, either just for Christmas or year round.

This give away is open to all babyloss parents, all around the world. Just say hello in the comments and I'll use a random number generator to pick a winner tomorrow.



Don't forget to check out Tina's blog too, she's got an Amazing give away.
Click on the link below, or the one over there in my side bar.

Tina is organising this event again, and we start right here and over on Tina's blog on Wednesday with the first giveaways.

These giveaways are for babyloss parents, a little something to help us through the festive period.

It's cold, and set to get colder. The light this morning was blue, the sky full of soft whipped cold blue clouds. The sun shone a little, and when that cold golden sunshine kisses my face between the buildings on my walk home, I whisper "hello darling", but I know it's not really her.

They say it might snow.

This little monkey is teething, having a growth spurt, and generally just rather grumpy. Of course I think if only he was breastfeeding he'd be so much happier, and that sets me off crying with him!

In between the grumps, I managed to run up a few pairs of woolly bootees this weekend.









All made with felted sweaters.

...I get a little bit tired of making excuses for people. I know that the death of a baby is something most people find difficult to talk about, that often people say the wrong thing without meaning to, that perhaps I'm a little over sensitive. I know that most people are well intentioned, and I often give them the benefit of the doubt, but sometimes I just want slap some people very hard.

A while ago when I was still pregnant with Ernest a neighbour and mother of a child in Sid's class at school asked me if I was expecting my third child. (I had Angus and Sid with me at the time) I said simply that no, this was my sixth child. She then went on to make all sorts of exclamations about having six children, and I scurried away without explaining further.

Since then, I have tried to avoid this woman. She seems perfectly nice,very attractive, very confident woman. I just didn't want to have *that* conversation with her.

Today we wound up walking to school together, and making polite conversation.She asked how Ernest was and commented on how I seemed to have been pregnant forever.
Then she asked how old all of my children were, and I thought I may as well get this out of the way,listing my children and their ages,until I came to Florence, and I said she would be 15 months, but she died.
She looked puzzled, glanced at Ernest, processed what I'd just said and asked me,
"So did you actually give birth?"

I'm sorry but WTF???

I just replied, yes, she was six hours old when she died.

That was it then, conversation over.
I'm resisting the urge right now to knock on her front door and show her a photo of my 9lbs 3oz daughter who was born, a real person, my child.There was blood and amniotic fluid and meconium, and a warm wet baby I held in my arms. A baby I held while she took her last breaths, my child who is buried in the ground, and who was real, of course I gave birth!

Maybe I'm being unfair, maybe I am. Really though, would it have hurt her to just say "I'm sorry for your loss" ?

And while we are on the subject, the co worker who told Woody that we needed to get a dog to teach our children about death, needs to think a bit more before opening his mouth.

It's never going to get any easier is it?

Ernest gives me, his Daddy, the other children, infact everyone really big big smiles, but as soon as I get the camera out, he stops, it took about three hundred million attempts just to catch this flicker of a smile!

I actually became re aquainted with my sewing machine yesterday! Oh I do miss her, but I guess cuddling Ernest is more fun.
I ran up three pairs of wool longies from some of Grandads old sweaters.
Of course a thirty minute job took more like three hours with pumping and feeding and cuddling breaks, but they are done. (and yes clearly I had no time to steam the creases out of the blue pair!)

Ghosts And Rituals

1 | Do you believe you can communicate with people in the afterlife, or they with you? Do you believe you can do this with your child?

The short answer is no.
I sometimes watch programmes on tv like Psychic Sally and I cringe. I just can't really believe there is a whole spirit world out there filled with dead people all wanting to communicate with the living.
I did visit a psychic once, years ago, she was pretty good at working out my life, and told me my Dad was there in the room. I remember it feeling rather comforting, but that was then...
I also attended a psychic night a few years back, and this dreadful man with truly dodgy hair claimed he was communicating with the dead baby of the woman sat in front of me and my friends. I remember vividly her shoulders shaking as she sobbed...

I do keep a diary addressed to Florence, and I do sometimes speak to her, but I'm very well aware that's all done for my benefit. I know she can't hear me.

2 | Do you believe in ghosts? Has this changed since the loss of your child(ren)?

No

3 | Have your feelings changed about Halloween? How do you respond to Halloween humor such as zombie and ghost costumes or macabre gravestones as decorations?

Halloween isn't a huge holiday here in the UK, though it is bigger now than it was when I was a child.
For me, Halloween is rather like a lot of holidays, in that I feel slighly uneasy celebrating something I really know little about, so I half heartedly go along with it, and ultimately feel dissapointed.
We do carve pumpkins, and this year like last year we took a pumpkin and some halloween decorations the children made to Florence's grave. I think that's just our way of including her in normal family stuff.
I did briefly ponder on the theory of the veil between this world and the next over last weekend, but I just can't feel Florence with me that way.

Costumes don't bother me, though I must admit to giving too much thought to the whole zombie thing lately, I mean how do dead babies fit in there?

4 | Does your religious or cultural background have a day or holiday where the focus is honoring the dead? How do you use this experience to honor your own child(ren)?


No, but sometimes I wish there was. I'm an atheist, and probably very English and rather embarrassed by public rituals.

I guess the only cultural day to remember the dead is Remembrance Day and that's to remember those killed in war.


5 | Do you ever reach outside of your spiritual/religious framework for comfort from other practices/religions?

I'm very interested in how other people remember/honour their dead. My friend told me how in Japan each family has an alter for their dead relatives and they offer bowls of rice to them. (I hope I've got that right)I thought that was rather lovely.

6 | Is there a season or holiday, other than your child(ren)’s birthday, that inspires you to perform a ritual in memory of your child(ren)?

Not really. We include Florence in every aspect of family life, so during holidays like Christmas we will make or buy decorations for her, and last year we lit paper lanterns for her too, so maybe we do....

7 | Is there a ritual you perform everyday? Weekly? Monthly? Yearly?

Every morning after I'm dressed I put on my necklace with Florence's pictures. I don't wear any other necklaces now. All day I'm aware of her there next to my heart. I tuck her away from Ernest's prying hands, and each evening when I light Florence's candle I take off my necklace and place it next to the candle and her photograph on the shelf at the end of my bed.
I fall asleep with the candle burning and wake briefly when Woody comes to bed and snuffs out the candle, comforted by the smell of warm wax.

Every week we go to the cemetery together. We take roses and candles and we tidy Florence's grave.

8 | Do you perform any public rituals (in real life or online) on October 15? How do your friends, family, or community respond to your acknowledgment of loss?

I do light candles on October 15th, and I think I would like to do someting more, I just haven't figured out what that is yet.
I know many of my friends light candles then too, but I haven't discussed it with my family.

Ernest saw the cranial osteopath for the last time today. His high palate has spread lots since our first appointment, and she thinks that now his tongue is free it'll spread more.
So, it's done,all physical barriers to breastfeeding removed, (as much as they can be).
There is a passage in Oliver James last book, "How Not To F*** Them Up", that says something like "If you've moved heaven and earth to breastfeed, and still not managed it, then there is no point despairing"...I can't write the exact quote because I've loaned the book to a friend.
I do despair. Breastfeeding to me is so very much more than getting milk into my baby. Breastfeeding is how I've mothered my children,it's a deep instinct.
Not breastfeeding hurts me, probably more than many people could ever understand.
I'm cut off from my main mothering tool.
But hey! Ernest is alive and here, and beautiful and growing fat on my milk. Losing Florence has taught me that things could be so much worse.
I'm not giving up, I can't. There's no time limit here, I'll keep on offering my breast, and maybe just maybe.
Right now though, the bottles are winning, and this Mama who wouldn't even have dolls bottles in the house, now owns more bottles and feeding paraphernalia than she ever thought possible.

LLanbedr was beautiful, the cabin was cosy, and the children made full use of the hot tub.
Ernest's first holiday at the beach, it was very windy.




How is it we were only away for the weekend,but I have piles of dirty laundry everywhere and my house is a tip?