He's still just under a week off his due date,but I think he's starting to forgive me for evicting him so soon.
Well, maybe except for this morning when I gave him a bath!
I'm hormonal,emotionally drained, and worried, with a head full of advice and information, but when he looks into my eyes, or he's resting on my chest and I can breath in his delicious warm scent, it's all worth it.

I'm missing my daily catch up with all my babyloss friends around the globe.

Things here are still so crazy, I seem to be constantly making hospital visits or waiting on midwives. Ernest's jaundice is going to take some time to clear properly, and he has lost a lot of weight with the breastfeeding issues. He has a tongue tie, which in combination with his high palette,small mouth, jaundice and being induced early makes for a pretty dismal attempt at breastfeeding efficiently.
He's getting his tongue snipped on Monday, so there is hope things will improve after then. Plus my new best friend, the breast pump and I have managed to help him gain a little weight over the past couple of days, so he's heading in the right direction.
I think it's safe to say that life with our rainbow baby isn't all fluffy clouds and unicorns. I can't say I really expected it to be, but I had hoped for at least normal...whatever that is!

Waking up to this gorgeous little bundle is a blessing, even if he is still keeping me on my toes.
We are off to the breastfeeding clinic tomorrow...can you believe after breastfeeding four other children I'm struggling with this one? Me and the breast pump are best of friends right now!

Ernest has been back in hospital. His jaundice peeked again, and so he needed more phototherapy. this time at the children's ward.
Let's just say I didn't manage to hold it together quite so well on this visit, and when the pead started to look for a vein in his hand I had a massive flashback and panic attack.
We were very well looked after by the staff though, and able to come home by lunch time today, with everything crossed that the jaundice doesn't get bad again.
The pead assured me Ernest is a healthy baby, and this kind of jaundice is not uncommon.
Just keeping everything crossed that the levels don't rise again, because if they do, it's another trip to hospital, and I'm not sure how much more we can take...and dear Universe that's not a challenge!

A whole year, gone.





Florence's day was planned, anticipated, but the Universe once again had different ideas, and Ernest and I found ourselves readmitted to hospital on Wednesday night. Ernest had jaundice and needed phototherapy.
Ernest and I spent Florence's special day in the same hospital , a couple of floors down. The same view from the windows.
We are home now, Ernest is well.
Woody and the children went ahead with our plans, and that's ok. They brought these photos in to hospital for me.
We miss her, and so much more that is for another day...

Exhausted,will add more details in the coming days,but Ernest George was born screaming and pink on Friday 16th July at 9.10pm. He's a tiddler at only 7lbs1oz. He's gorgeous, and we are all smitten. x

Waiting.And while I'm waiting it seems I'm not alone, and what I do know is that if hopes and wishes are enough to get baby boy here safe then we have plenty of those.
I might be distant, a little distracted, tearful, scared and a million more emotions, but I'm thankful for all your good wishes, truly thankful, and hoping all these hopes and wishes will be enough.x

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who voted for my cheater quilt in last weeks Spoonflower contest. I didn't win, but I didn't expect to, there were some lovely entries. You can see the winner here, which I'm not at all surprised won, it's definately my favourite.

I have ordered my design, I'll be making it up into a play quilt when it arrives.

In other news, I've been in to the hospital this morning for another doppler scan, and all looks well, I have another on Tuesday and if all is well at that one, we are still on schedule for thursday's induction.
So, expect lots of waffle or general insanity from here over the next five or six days, I'm sure it's not going to be pretty.x

Eden loves her gymnastics. Last year she didn't compete because Florence was due to be born, and she was excited and worried about missing the birth. I tried to persuade her otherwise, but she's a determined (and very sensitive) little girl.
This year, I could see she was nervous about competing with another baby due, and the competition on Sid's birthday, but we worked around it, and she was brilliant! Her floor display was excellent. I even saw one of the judges jaw drop when she did her "fish flop". I was so proud, and fighting back the tears, especially when she won silver medal.











(photos reproduced with permission)

It's been an exhausting day in hospital, scans, and monitoring and examinations, and swabs, and tears and hands held.
Baby boy will be with us soon. We are booked in for an induction on 15th July.So the countdown begins.

Other peoples dreams are just never that interesting, but last night I dreamed of Florence. She was dressed in pretty clothes, asleep in a shoe box in a cupboard. I found her, and she was warm and breathing, so I thought I'd better bathe her and nurse her, and wondered how I could've neglected her for all this time.
Then she was gone again, and Woody said it was ok, he'd left her asleep on the windowsill next to the open bathroom window...
Later, she was a toddler on my hip and she called me Mummy, and I said "where's Daddy?", She pointed across at Woody and smiled.
I guess it's pretty clear what's going on in my head right now. x

The small talk in the street.(and wondering, "have they really forgotten?")
The first stawberries from the garden.(that never quite make it into the house.)
The cheeky robins sitting on the swing.(Who sat there keeping me company last year when I was in labour)
The Boden summer sale.(and the dresses I didn't dare buy.)
The summer term inset day.(and being grateful for a day at home.)

All the little things are still the same, and she should be here.

Every kick and wriggle from baby boy reassures me for a moment, then I wonder, was it too hard, was it his last?
I don't trust my body anymore, I want him out, I want him in my arms and alive and safe, and there are no guarantees.

I think there is a good chance I might lose my mind completely in the coming days.

The other day while browsing Spoonflower, I spotted the upcoming contest for a cheaters quilt, infact it was just hours before the deadline to enter, and I had just a couple of days before designed a couple of cheaters quilts. I hastily updated my designs,and entered the contest...then began to worry. The standard of the Spoonflower contests is usually pretty high, and I knew my design probably wouldn't be quite fashionable enough to get many votes.
Well, now the contest is in full swing, and you can go vote for your favourites right here

You don't have to vote for me, unless you want to. I'll be happy so long as I get more than the one vote I gave myself! (I did vote for several others too!)

Every week we take fresh roses to Florence's grave. I sit next to her stone, I remove last weeks roses,and I sit quietly trimmimg the fresh roses and arranging them. Meanwhile Woody cleans her lantern, and lights a fresh candle. India and Eden fetch fresh water, and clean the stone. Angus and Sid run around on the grass and sometimes pick dandelions or buttercups for Florence.
There is a certain grace in each of us having our role, even when there is little peace...the boys are not quiet when they are running about !
This evening, the cemetery was still, just us there. As I was removing last weeks roses, I spotted this one, and had to bring it home. Such faded beauty. I've placed it under Florence's photo in our bedroom.

All of my children have had a name ready for when they were born. Sometimes, they've had a name even when I've only been a few weeks pregnant. Florence was Florence Violet from around 10 weeks, when I had a half awake dream in the early hours of the morning and knew her name.
(I guess it goes without saying that my instincts on gender have always been right too.)
Baby boy does have a name, actually he has a choice of two, but there is a clear winner in my mind, and I usually (always) get my own way!
Naming a baby is always difficult, but I find way more difficult when so many names I know and love belong to the precious babies of the babylost community.
I will hear a birth announcement, and hear one of those special names, and I feel a stab in my heart, and I try not to let it show on my face.
Recently I have heard of two new baby girls called Florence, and a Violet too. One of those Florence's is local, local enough that I might hear her Mummy call her name in a supermarket. Unless you are reading this as a babylost parent, I can't expect you to understand just how that hurts.
Of course, I can't expect the world to stop naming their babies just incase it makes mine or any other babylost parents heart skip a beat, and tears sting their eyes when they hear it. Like everything else that's a poignant reminder, it doesn't make us any sadder, it can't.
Maybe, over time I will hear of a new baby girl, Florence and I will smile and remember my baby girl too, and I will say "What a beautiful name, congratulations", and nothing more...maybe. x

Some days the tears are near the surface, some days buried deep, and some days they surface suddenly to hot stingy eyes, and are accompanied by loud sobs I didn't know were there...or I was pretending they weren't.
I've been feeling really rather calm lately, eerily so, almost detatched. Like with any emotion I've tried to just feel what I'm feeling, just sit with it.I know whatever it is,it will change and there's little point denying it or trying to overide it.
This calmness is what it is, it's not an omen,if anything it's just my brains way of coping in these last weeks.
This morning though as I waved off Woody and the children, those hot stingy eyes gave me away, and for just a second I could picture an eleven month old little girl at my feet, waving them off.Then a second later could almost feel her head heavy on my shoulder.
I don't know how to get through the next few weeks. I don't know how to miss Florence and wait for baby boy without losing my mind.

I used my Buddies fabric to whip up some pram bedding this morning. Just a simple stretch sheet and blanket with a velour reverse. I'm quite pleased with how well the colours of my fabric tie in with my lovely new purple pram.

You know I could ponder a while on the subject of prams, and the fact that some people seem convinced they have mystical powers that can kill babies, while others seem to think the fact that I have one all set up and ready in my kitchen implies some kind of optimism on my part.
The truth is, it's a beautiful thing, but it's just a thing, it can't kill my baby, it can't guarantee he'll live.
It sits quietly under a photo of Florence, and every now and again I look at it and hope I get to use it very soon.

Today, with the sun shining we went to visit the acre of woodland dedicated to Florence within Lady Mabel's Wood, in Haigh, Wigan.
Of course we managed to get a little lost on the way, not being familiar with the area, but what a joy when we found it! Such a beautiful place.



I'm sure it's somewhere we will visit often. We walked along some of the track through the woods and up along part of the towpath of the Leeds Liverpool Canal where we saw dozens of bright blue dragonflies darting along the canal's edge.







There's a country hall nearby too, so we went there for tea and buns before heading home.

Oh yes, and the ladybird house is in situ in the garden now too.

Today's efforts to keep busy meant sewing up this bag I've had cut out for a few weeks now. I used my gorgeous Sandi Henderson, Meadowsweet fabrics, (I decided a bag was a safer bet than a dress at this stage of my enourmousness.) and the "Here We Go" pattern from Anna Maria Horner's book, "Handmade Beginnings".
I'm pretty happy with it, it's lovely and roomy for carting about nappies and the like, plus it's pretty, and I like pretty.