Catching up. I've been in Cornwall for the final part of this project. I took my photos as usual, but technical difficulties and an unreliable internet connection meant I could only use my phone to take photos and then upload them while out and about....Tesco's carpark had a good signal!
I'm home now, and although I did post my phone pics, I'm going to finish off this project by posting the photos from my camera.
Tell The World.
Forever sums it up really. Florence is gone forever, she will be missed forever, she is loved forever, and I am forever changed , forever.
Sunset 
This was hard. Wednesday was grey, grey grey. The sky was just clouds. Eden and I wandered about the holiday park we were staying in, hoping to find an interesting view at least.It was pouring with rain, and cold. We trudged across frields, through soggy leaves, and suddenly it was almost dark. The streetlamp had to stand in for the lack of a sun.
Artwork
We have been really lucky in this area, and have been gifted some beautiful pieces in honour of our daughter by some very talented friends.
Sat here at my pc, I have a portrait hanging on the wall to my right, another painting above my bed, a handmade silver brooch in a box behind me, a photo of Florence's name in the sand also on a shelf behind me, a hand carved rabbit on another shelf next to a Jizo in a frame .....I hadn't realised actually quite how much artwork I have.
This though is a painting we received in time for what would have been Florence's third birthday. Painted by a talented young artist I have known for all of her life, infact I was present at her birth almost twenty years ago and her mother is one of my closest friends, and has been for most of my life.
This hangs at the top of our stairs. I pass it countless times every day. The other day as I passed by with Ernest in my arms he said "Florence Sleeping".
I love that this hangs in the heart of our home.
Florence was born at 40 weeks + 3days (or some might say 4 days). She lived for a minute longer than 6 hours, or thereabouts. I'm still not entirely sure of the exact moment of death.
there is the official time of death, which as far as I understand is when the doctors stopped trying to save her.
I know I looked at the clock as she was handed to me, and it was 10.55am.
I know at the inquest the peadiatrician gave evidence stating that when Florence was handed to me, her heart was still beating, but only just.
I hope in those last few moments she knew she was in my arms, and in turn in the arms of her Daddy. I hope she wasn't in any pain.
Siblings.
This photo was taken during the summer on the Pier in Beaumaris, on Anglesey. North Wales.
There's that gap. x
Place of Birth
Florence was born at home, just like her big brothers.
Sacred Space.
Can I say here that I'm slightly uncomfortable with the word sacred? The other choices were "Altar" and "Shrine", and I'm not too keen on those words either, despite the fact that this photo does depict all three. I'm just contrary!
There are several spaces around our home with photos of Florence accompanied by little trinkets that relate to her, often gifts given by thoughtful friends, or little things I've collected. There's a snow globe, some building bricks that spell out her name, a dried rose,a pine cone....
This shelf though is at the foot of our bed. Every evening I take off my necklace with her photo and place it there and I light her candles.Woody then blows them out when he comes to bed, often I'm already asleep but the smell of snuffed out candles usually wakes me, even if just for a second, that's our "goodnight". x
Project.
Hmmm, this is not an easy one. Looking back over the past three years I can see that I have been involved in various projects.
My first project was making Florence's burial gown, but I barely remember making that.
I also put together a scrap book for her, which I've never photographed, that's just for us.
I've made blankets, and burial pouches and knitted hats for my local hospital.
I've taken part in various giving projects on various blogs, including the 25 days of giveaways each Christmas.
I've designed a range of fabrics in memory of Florence, and also a range of childrens wear. My Flossie Pinafore pattern is a free download on my blog, and when I have market days I donate 10% of my sales to SANDs.
Somehow though, none of this ever seems quite enough.
I don't have the confidence to do anything more specific, and maybe not the inspiration. I struggle because Florence died full term, and no one really knows why.
No one is to blame.
Florence was a "perfect little girl"
No one could save Florence.
I have nothing to campaign for, nothing to pin a project on...except maybe awareness?
Maybe that's what this blog does now? Mind you, even there it's so confusing...my blog about sewing and baby death and failed breastfeeding....hmmm.
I don't like todays theme, and tomorrows will be just as hard, that's about Charity.
Family
This photo was taken in August at Penmon, Anglesey, North Wales.
Penmon is a magical place, so serene.
We went there at sunset, and we saw seals swimming in the sea.
Florence is always with us, we all carry her in our hearts, I've also signed this photo the way I sign letters and cards, with six kisses, one for each of my children, the larger kiss for Florence to show she's never forgotten, and always missed. xxxxXx
This year would have been Florence's third birthday.
We have for the past two years spent the day together as a family, sadly we couldn't do that the first year because Ernest was ill in hospital, and I was with him. That was so incredibly hard, and not something I've ever really spoken about here. A very very dark time, and I nearly lost my mind completely, maybe I'll tell about that one day when I'm strong enough to go back there in my own head.
This year after a balloon release at Florence's grave side, we drove out to her woodland, had a picnic and then came home to birthday cup cakes.
Release
Our first balloon release for Florence was at her funeral. The funeral director suggested we release balloons to direct everyone's attention up to the skies after Florence's coffin had been lowered into the ground.
I remember I was the last to let go of my balloon, and we'd under estimated how many balloons we'd need.
Each year we release balloons on Florence's birthday. This photo is from July this year, a beautiful sunny day and a balloon from each of us. x
Wave of Light
Today is Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness day, and across the world people are lighting candles at 7pm in memory of all those babies loved and missed, creating a wave of light around the globe.
We went to the cemetery at sunset, arranged Florence's roses and lit her candles.
Welcome to Lazy Seamstress.
I'm Jeanette, designer, seamstress, teacher,Mummy to six and wife to Woody, living in a chaotic Edwardian house in the UK. Blogging here since 2005.
Today I am organising myself and probably finishing off a few little pieces to take along.
My demo dolly needed a new cosy outfit for the stall, so I've dressed her (todays he's a her!) in some super soft recycled cashmere footed leggings, an organic cotton dress and cashmere beanie.