Looking Outwards

3:01 pm

New skirt2, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

Cybele commented on my last post that I seemed to be "looking outwards" more lately. I think she may be right.
Maybe it's time, maybe it's being pregnant again, but I do feel like I'm starting to look outwards and possibly even looking forwards.
It's not easy, not easy at all. I think there is a big part of me that's still very afraid of looking forwards, and sometimes even ashamed of looking forwards. I hold myself back with fear and shame.
I've had weeks now of horrible nausea, debilitating tiredness and mixed in with grief it's like struggling everyday through treacle.
This morning after another restless night I was sat on my bed feeling just miserable, wondering how to get through another day, when I just thought "enough".
This little baby growing inside me deserves to be enjoyed. I can carry on this pregnancy terrified and thinking the worst, planning outfits for a burial and names that will look nice on a gravestone, and in the process making myself even more miserable or I can pick up on the hope I must've had to even consider getting pregnant again and enjoy, as far as is possible the life that is growing inside me.
OK, that all sounds simple enough, of course it isn't as many of my readers know only too well, but I'm going to try, and that's what's important isn't it?
I'm off to a good start, I've been busy today, cleaning, reorganising, and sewing! I fixed a pair of maternity jeans, trimmed a plain tunic with some pretty ribbon and made two maternity skirts.
It's a start.

(the instructions for the maternity skirts are available as a PDF over there on the left of the screen.)

New skirt1

Don't be shy, say hello!


  1. The skirts are gorgeous! I so wish I could sew like that! You are right to allow yourself to look forward to this baby and Florence would want you to xxx

  2. Lovely skirts Jeanette. I can really sense your fight coming back and I'm so proud of you. The conflict will inevitably be there but enjoying your new little one in no way takes away from Florence, how you feel about her and all you've been through. So each time a bit of guilt peeks through your joy stamp on it and send it packing, you have nothing to feel guilty about. K xxx

  3. What a treat to hear such honest hope in your voice. Thank you.

  4. i love your skirts... they make me want to be pregnant even more.. i might be, i dont know yet.

    i read through florence's story and looked at her pictures. my goodness, she is breathtakingly beautiful. we had our baby's wake on august 7th. across the world, you were doing the same thing. the funeral for us was the 8th, and she was cremated either the 9th or the 10th (how could i not know?! i just cant remember for sure.)

    does it say somewhere on your blog what happened? did they figure something out? im sorry to ask if that's a difficult question.. we search and search for answers for kathlyn and there just arent any.. she died for no reason!

  5. Beth honey I hope you are pregnant very soon. I've been following your blog for a while now, and I know how much it means to you.
    We finally got Florence's post mortem results five months after she died, and her cause of death was a massive pulmonary haemorrhage, but there were no reasons found for why she haemorrhaged.
    We have an inquest next month, but I don't think it will tell us any more.
    Sending you loads of lovex

  6. Dear Jeanette,
    I came to your blog yesterday via a crafty site and to be trueful, I do like those fluffy crafty blogs.

    Your blog is truly beautiful; yes it is gut wrenchingly sad and I've cried many tears yesterday for a mum I do not know, the lump at the back of my throat is still there today.

    The photo of baby Florence against your breast is hauntingly beautiful. She looks so so very healthy, it's so hard to believe that her heart inutero didn't miss a beat(her size is a testament to that) and yet when she was born, did.

    I don't know how you do it. How do you get out of bed, everyday. How do you ever laugh again.

    Your writing is so honest and raw, never doubt yourself.

    For me, I do think there is a heaven and Angels and reincarnation, but I'm not at all religious.( yeah, yeah, I'm one of those!:). It is said that when a person dies, they do not come back to earth for about 1000years and usually as the opposite sex. But for babies it's different, they are back very quickly, within the year. I'm sure Florence's spirit is still with you, she just needed a better body to be housed in.

    I'm so glad that you have some light comming your way this year, it's hard to remember to invite joy in to live beside the sadness, gratitude along with the grief.

    Sending you much light

  7. These skirts are beautiful and all power to you for being brave, one step at a time in enjoying this new life within you. Florence will never be forgotten but you are right, it is ok to enjoy this precious one too.
    Continued hugs and prayers
    San xxx

  8. Lovely skirts! So much I want to say, but it's just not coming out right. Sending you a hug instead.

  9. I'm so glad you are getting your jiggy back a bit :) Those skirts are lovely! Where do you get such fab fabrics from, I'd love to make some stuff but I can never find anything nearly as lovely!

  10. Lovely, as always.
    Have you seen the new Anna Maria Horner flannels? I think I remember you having a soft spot for flannel (previous blog post?)

  11. Those skirts are great! You were so beautiful as you carried Florence, with such pretty clothes and shoes. Are you starting to show now, to need a growing wardrobe?

    It really is an honour to read through your journey. Thank you for sharing so deeply.


  12. Carlyn, yep, my tummy muscles gave up a long time ago, and so I already have a bump...mostly a fat bump.


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