Flashbacks

4:14 pm

flowers

Oh how I hate the flashbacks. Most common at night, either in that twilight time before sleep takes hold, or in the early hours of the morning when sleep has abandoned me. Sometimes even during the day, on the train,walking along the street,in the playground,while folding laundry....
Usually she's lying on that table, doctors all around. She's trying to push the tubes out of her throat with her tongue, and trying to open her eyes, then she's given more morphine.
I said before that she never opened her eyes, but she did try. I think I saw a glint of pale blue.Then the morphine shut them tight.
I wonder if she could see? There were cartoon characters on the ceiling,but her newborn vision would have only been programmed to see from Mothers breast to Mother's face.She never saw my face.
I hope she knew I was there, holding her hand,stroking her cheek.

Don't be shy, say hello!

14 comments

  1. Oh dear. I don't know where to begin. We have never met and I live halfway around the globe from you! I seem to have stumble one day upon your blog. You have been a great inspiration to me through your work. I almost feel like a peeping tom that is finally tapping on your window to let you know I am here.

    But that is why I had to come forward. To let you know that I am here... We are here. To be your sounding board. Every creative person puts so much of themselves into their work that it is almost impossible to differentiate between the two. So let it out. We'll be here to weep with you, and you can know that you are not alone.

    You've touched our lives with your creativity, and your life, and your love. Please do not stop sharing any part of what makes you, you.

    Your lovely Florence would have known very much that you were with her every step of the way. Your voice and your love surround her, there is no way that she could not have known you and that you were there with her.

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  2. oh sweetie there are no words (((hugs)))

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  3. Of course she knew you were there! She smelled you, your skin, your breats before at home, she felt your hands touching her and holding her - don't you even think these ways!

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  4. oh Jeanette this is so very, very painful for you....hugs. Florence would have known you were there, you'd held her in your arms. So much love to you xxx

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  5. She knew, oh she knew.

    You showed her you loved every day she lived inside you, and you showed her during her hours earthside. She knew your skin and your breath. She knew.

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  6. I'm sure your lovely Florence knew you were near, but I know what you mean. When do the flashbacks and what ifs leave us or seem less intense is what I wonder? (((Hugs)))

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  7. Oh Jeanette. I'm so sorry, it is horrible when these memories catch you in the middle of your every day waking life.

    I'm certain that your little Florence knew you were there. You were her whole world, she was always surrounded by you and she would have known your voice, your smell. I'm sure she knew that her mummy was with her even if she never saw your face.

    Thinking of you xo

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  8. Keep going Jeanette. Hold on tight and just keep going xx

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  9. I believe she knew you were there, every moment of her all too short time with you.
    The smell of a mama, your heartbeat against her, the familiar sound of your voice and that special touch only a mama has.
    I feel so guilty some days, I read your blog and when it feels too heartbreakingly painful to read again I click away...my guilt rightly or wrongly is that I know you cant click away from your nightmare. Everyday for the love of your family you keep ploughing through, together.
    I still dont have the words as some of the lovely mamas here do, but I 'will' you through each and every day. Not a day passes when I dont wonder how you're managing, hoping that you have a glimpse of light that day.

    Nicky
    x

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  10. Jeanette, I think she knew, I think she could sense your love and feel your touch.

    With love xxx

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  11. When there's that much love surrounding you, there's no way you wouldn't know. She knew.

    Debby xx

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  12. what can I say? heartbreaking just heartbreaking:-(
    San x

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  13. She didn't need to see your face to feel your love for her.

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Hi, I love to hear from readers, hate to think I'm talking to myself here, so don't be shy say hello!