Ladybirds, Rainbows, Light and Hope

7:01 am

I've read a lot of blogs,forums,books and articles on baby loss since Florence died. A lot of the parents write about signs from their children, or feeling them near, or even catching sight of them from the corner of their eye. As I read of these things, I felt envious that I couldn't see or feel these things.
Although that's not strictly true, I can almost feel Florence sleeping on my shoulder, as I've said before. I do feel like I carry her "spirit" (for want of a better word) with me always,but how can I not? I grew her deep inside me for so long.we shared dreams,emotions,nutrition,blood...
I don't believe in angels, I don't believe Florence is in heaven with Jesus. I guess what I do believe (again, maybe not quite the right word) is that her body is nourishing the soil around her, the earth is enveloping her and absorbing her back to nature. Meanwhile the essence of her is in mine and Woody's and the children's hearts.
One day last week after a sleepless, tearful night,I stood in the shower and the sun was just coming up. the light from the breaking dawn flooded my bathroom, and my heart. I even felt myself smiling.
Later that day Angus was thrilled to find a ladybird hitching a ride on his shoe.
The next day walking home from school, through the trees on the playing fields I spotted a beautiful rainbow. It hadn't been raining.(When I told Woody later he said it must have been a proper magic one with a pot of gold...sarcastic bugger!)
Then I found another ladybird on my bathroom window.
Yesterday while visiting Florence's grave, the wind blew and a million fluttering golden leaves rained down like confetti, glistening in the autumn sun, it was breathtaking.
And another ladybird had this time hitched a ride on Sid's trouser leg.
Writing this down seems kinda ridiculous,my rational brain doesn't believe in signs.
I know that Ladybirds have recently hatched and are looking for places to overwinter, our bathroom faces east and so the dawn light fills it every morning, it must have rained somewhere for there to be a rainbow, and leaves fall every Autumn.
I don't believe these things are a sign from my baby,but I do take comfort in nature, and knowing that in a very tiny way,she is nourishing the Earth.

The view from my bedroom window

A rainbow from July.

Don't be shy, say hello!


  1. Beautiful Rainbow Jeanette (())) HUGS and smiles Vanessa - who wishes she could express herself the way she wants to but the words dont look right on the page((()))

  2. we saw an amazing rainbow the other morning, the children were spellbound and so was I! Wonder if it was the same one?

  3. Oh Jeanette, I saw that beautiful rainbow the other morning...I was so transfixed to it and it really made me smile (and also late to Isobel's nursery!). (((hugs))) and have a lovely few days at the coast xxx

  4. Thinking of you everyday xxx

  5. well, i think she is always with you and all those magical beautiful signs are nature's way of telling you. hope you don't mind me disagreeing with you xxx if it feels magical then that's because it usually is xxxxx;-) wish i'd seen the rainbow!!!

  6. You said: "her body is nourishing the soil around her, the earth is enveloping her and absorbing her back to nature." I have had so much trouble dealing with the images in my head of what has happened to my child beneath the earth, thank you for giving me a new and more beautiful way to imagine it.

  7. Glad you found some comfort and joy, Jeanette, in those ladybirds and the beautiful rainbow. (((Hugs)))

  8. This is such a beautiful post, Jeanette.

    We often find ladybirds on the windowsill of our bathroom. I'll always think of your sweet Florence when I see them now.


  9. Once a Mother, (can't believe I don't know your actual name!)I understand that struggle of what's happening to our babies under the ground. I too have had moments of horror considering it.
    I'm so glad my description has helped you a little though. x

  10. Jeanette, I think of Florence often. The strangest things make me think of her and I miss you all so much when she comes to mind. I wish so many things had been different and that we could have all spent more time together. Georgia and Louisa "celebrate" "day of the dead" at school in Spanish class. To be honest I always found it creepy, but this year we will remember, and honor Florence. Such a sweet soul stolen away far too soon. Hugs, kisses and tears to you all. (Oh I can just see Woody saying that about the rainbow!)

  11. I often find that 'the details' are so comforting, especially in this huge amazing world -which can be overwhelming when one is feeling fragile. I think of passing over as paint in water. We swirl and curl and spread out, becoming everything around us. Joining the rest of the colour in the world. Or like smoke curling in the air until it becomes thin and disappears. So from that idea I am comforted that my loved ones in the summerland ARE the leaves, and the light, and the insects - as the circle has come round yet again and all is as it always has been. Blessed Be Jeanette (from your paganish hippy friend lol) xxx

  12. I wish I could say something wise - but thats not me. Only to say that I am reading and thinking of you, Florence and your fa,mmily everyday. I am glad you are able to find some comfort.


  13. I think of you and your family so often Jeanette. You always manage to find so much beauty in such torment and you inspire me. Florence live on everywhere, in you, your children, Woody and we all have been blessed to share a part of her as she nourishes this world we live in. Take heart that the breath of wind you feel on your cheek is a kiss, the sun you feel on your head is her warmth, the rain that falls are her tears. Hugs to you mama xxx


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