2:22 pm

notebooks, originally uploaded by indiaeden.

I'm a planner, I like to make lists, to organise and have something (many things) in the pipeline.
These notebooks are just the ones on my desk, I have several others dotted around the house, and of course one (actually two) in my handbag for making notes on the go.
Thing is, since Florence died I just can't organise my thoughts at all. My mind skips here, there and everywhere. My thoughts are always of her, even when I'm thinking of something else.
Some of these notebooks on my desk are full of lists of "things for baby", "things for birthing kit", and sketches of baby clothes I planned to make.
Sometimes I think I know where to go from here, I start to make plans, I reach for my trusty notebooks, and nothing happens.
Where do I go from here?
Everything seems so untidy (especially my mind). I want to organise, to make lists, to make decisions, but I'm dazed and don't know where to even begin.
I remind myself it's early days, and even though I feel ok today, I thought I was ok a week ago, and now I know I wasn't.
I don't know myself anymore, I don't trust my own judgement. The old me is gone forever.
The new me buys candles to burn in remembrance of her dead daughter, and writes boring posts on her blog about nothing much at all.
I apologise to all my readers who used to read this blog for the fluffy fun sewing stuff.
This wasn't how I planned it.
I should be posting cute little baby toes, and fingers and gorgeous little outfits in all the fabrics I saved "just incase we have a girl".
Now I vaguely plan for those fabrics to be used in products to sell, but who wants to buy baby clothes from a dead baby mama?
Even on a good day (and today is a good day) life is shit!

Don't be shy, say hello!


  1. Dear Jeanette. Please don't worry about those of us who read your blog when it was about fluffy sewing stuff. Speaking for myself,I am more than happy to read your "boring posts on ... nothing much at all" ! Keep 'em coming.

  2. We are here with you.
    And as for being in this position, it really is a travesty,and truely horrendous. But we come because you're a fabulous woman, no matter what. AM xxx

  3. Hugs Jeanette, I look forward to seeing you tomorrow.

  4. They aren't boring posts, nobody's blog is boring if they are recording real emotions and thoughts. I've never met you but I wish you all the best from one mum to another, fluffy sewing stuff or not. xxxx

  5. Dear Jeanette,

    You're right, it is early days. Be gentle on yourself.

    And your blog isn't boring anyone! Please keep the posts coming (if it helps you)

    Take care


  6. Oh Jeanette, don't be so hard on yourself. It is very early days - you are doing so well, stay strong xxx

  7. I check your blog as often as I can, I was terrified when you didnt make an entry for so long. I am in awe of you, you are brave and strong. But you must also give yourself time to heal and to grieve. Florence will always be your child. And you must never call yourself a dead baby mama - you are a wonderfully powerful amazing mum of 5 children.

  8. Please don't apologies for your feelings. I logged on today to see how you are, good or bad, and although you don't know me, I do care about you and yours. My heart goes out to you, and I will continue to read your blog, whatever you write about. ((hugs))

  9. K has, as always, put it so well - you are amazing Jeanette, even though it doesn't always feel that way.
    Be gentle with yourself - and I think lists & notebooks rock ;-)

  10. Hi,
    I rarely comment and I'm ashamed to admit I haven't commented at all since your terrible news as I just didn't know what to say. "Sorry" didn't seem enough.

    I started reading your blog because of your "fluffy fun sewing" but with any good blog you read regularly you get to feel like you know the person because they talk about their life and emotions. Never apologise for writing about those things, especially if they're a good vent for you.
    Over the past few months I've thought about you a lot. I got excited for you when you first announced you were pregnant, and I cried for you, (several times) when I heard about Florence's death.

    I'm sure things will get easier for you eventually. They have too or how would other women in your situation carry on? I suppose the best you can do is take comfort from the rest of your family and know that other people are thinking of you all, even if they don't always have the words (as I didn't) to tell you.

    Celeste X

  11. Please keep posting your thoughts. We can't be with you in person to offer you a shoulder to lean on but we are all here in thought. I worry when you don't post, cry with you when you do. I wish I could take this all away for you but remember your beautiful little girl can never really be taken away, she will always be in your thoughts, your childrens thoughts, and part of your lives. And those thoughts will keep you strong and your beautiful children will keep you strong. xx

  12. This blog is for you not us. Use as you need to!
    Maxine xx

  13. Oh Jeanette, your "boring" posts are so important to other babylost mothers. I recognise so many of the things in your posts. I'm not just mourning the loss of my child I'm also mourning the loss of the "old" me. Please keep sharing. **hugs**

  14. Dear Jeanette, I dont find your blog at all boring, it is different thats true but different is just fine by me and from the comments of others it is fine by everyone else. It is your blog we come to read not a craft blog. If I am honest I log on every now and again to "check" that you are O.K, that you are still here, that you keep going, taking things one day at a time. I dont need to hear that you are doing great, or that you are trying hard to be just fine. I also come on here because as someone whose friend recently lost a Baby at term I can read about how you are doing and know that is just how my friend has been feeling too.

  15. (((hugs))) Jeanette, don't be so hard on yourself, it is still very early days yet.

  16. oh sweetie it's still so soon (((hugs))) and there's nothing boring about your posts.


  17. Hi Jeanette,
    You're right the old you has gone but only because the new you was blessed with knowing Florence, the new you can hold her in your heart forever. The new you is an even stronger, more amazing mum than the old you, even more of an inspiration for the rest of us.
    As for the 'boring posts' - I for one read your posts because I love you. You could just write Hi and I would enjoy it.
    Hoping to come over at Christmas and have loads of hugs stored up for you.

  18. Oh, Jeanette. I so relate to your thoughts you've shared. It's been such a hard, long, awful, horrible summer of getting up and keeping on for the older four since our George died during my labour. It's a nightmare. I keep busy until I drop because unless I'm totally exhausted I can't sleep. Thinking of you and yours and wishing we were close enough to share a cup of tea - and swing between laughter and tears without feeling judged or freakish. (((Hugs)))

  19. Sweetheart, you're not boring, you're real, and I'm sure people would be honoured to buy babyclothes from you and honour Florence's memory that way, when you are ready to make & sell. I know I would if I was looking for any... :)

  20. You are so brave woman!
    We do not always comment but we are like those faries :)
    hugs, xxx


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