The f***** up world of pregnancy after loss10:24 am
Today I had another scan and an appointment with my lovely consultant. I arrived at the hospital at 8.30 am, after a night of tossing and turning, and a morning of the usual chaos plus a bit more. Lots of snapping at poor old Woody.
Baby boy was kicking away in the waiting room, for the first time I actually saw one of his kicks. I thought maybe he was trying to reassure me, but then quickly told myself to stop being so silly.
The scan was fine, the sonographer was very sweet and showed me everything in detail. She said the heart was fine, but then in my head I saw "only 25% of heart defects are found on a scan".
After the scan I made my way to the ante natal clinic. I haven't had an appt there in 14 years, and suddenly felt rather strange, I was shaking.
The receptionist heaved down this enourmous file, and oh my! That file was just mine, it was about 3 inches thick!
While waiting I could feel my face getting hot, and I texted Woody to tell him baby's heart was ok.
A chirpy midwife called me through into a little exam room, and asked me how I was which of course resulted in me crying all over her and the student midwife. Neither of them had read my notes yet, so had no idea about Florence, but once they knew treated me really nicely, and said they'd go and fetch my consultant to see me rather than make me wait in the waiting room yet again.
Dr P arrived soon after, he has a kind face and a warm handshake. He talked to me softly and thoughtfully, and we discussed a care plan for this pregnancy.My head is now spinning with medical processes and terminology and appts, and swabs, and scans....and well I should be reassured by all this care, but the truth is it terrifies me, and I just don't know what I think.
I'm used to being in control of my body, to birthing my babies my way, at home. A healthy woman birthing a healthy baby....but that's where it all gets fucked up isn't it?
At least I still get the familiarity of seeing my lovely community midwives alongside seeing Dr P.
This is all just so alien to me, and I'm so so scared for my little boy and I miss Florence, and it's just all so fucking shit.
And I've got to stop crying before I go to the children's Easter service...and shit, I still haven't bought any bloody waterproof mascara...when will I learn?