Christmas Shopping (attempt no 2)

1:53 pm

My first attempt at Christmas shopping one day last week was a disaster. I managed one shop before the world started to spin, the tears were stinging my eyes and I had to find fresh air and somewhere to sit down very quickly. All I bought were two tiny frames to hold pictures of Florence, then I caught the bus home and spent the rest of the day crying.
Thankfully most of the Christmas shopping was done online over a month ago,I just needed a few stocking fillers, and I thought I could cope with that, clearly not.
Today though, Woody persuaded me to go into work with him. He's working in Chester part of the week, so I could get a lift in with him, go shopping, then meet him for lunch before coming home. I was nervous,but I was ok. I think exploring an unfamiliar, and very pretty town helped to keep my mind active. I managed to get a few nice gifts and I only almost cried a few times, mostly when I saw cute little gifts I so would've wanted to buy for Florence.
I'd see something, look at it, pick it up, and wonder "should I buy it anyway?" but then realising that no, no I shouldn't.
I walked past a beautiful little boutique selling the kind of baby clothes and toys I love. I stopped, I looked, I fought back the tears and looked about me guiltily wondering who had seen me looking, and if they knew...
I didn't go in.

I was glad to see my lovely Woody walking along the canal to meet me at lunch time.

...
...

Last night I hesitantly watched a tv programme called "Out Of My Depth" It was about an actress being trained to become a midwife. I was ready to switch it off if I couldn't handle it,but I surprised myself. Sometimes I can cope with the obvious stuff, it's the unexpected that can send me into a tail spin.
During the programme, the midwives did touch on the subject of loss, and I was glad they did, even if I found the resus demo on the doll a little uncomfortable. Two nurses took it in turns to breath for Florence that way, for five whole hours.
The thing that really hit me though was when a screaming newborn was placed into his mother's arms. He was crying that delicious newborn cry, that "oh my goodness, what's this? Air, rushing into my lungs, cold skin, touch, light" cry, and I realised Florence didn't do that. She cried a little,but mostly she mewed, and then she whimpered.
I'd forgotten that healthy babies cry (usually), healthy babies are pink.
I had four healthy screaming babies before Florence,but since her, all I can think of is how she struggled, and then how still she was in my arms. She looked like she was sleeping, smiling even, but she wasn't.
I've lost faith in birth, in my body, in life .

Don't be shy, say hello!

19 comments

  1. be gentle with yourself the next couple of weeks will be difficult .enjoy your four children here on earth and bless dear little florence your forever darling baby girl.

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  2. Wish I had some words that could give you some comfort Jeanette. My heart aches for you. Sending much love to you all xxx

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  3. :(
    I don't know what to say... I dearly wish I had some way I could comfort you too. I'm so sad and sorry thinking of you hurting. Much love XXXX

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  4. Just a little note to say (((hugs))) I've had a particularly bad time the last few weeks (another loss, miscarriage) so can't add anything as such at the moment but just wanted to say how much I do understand (even if it's not the same) and am thinking of you ...

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  5. I'm glad yiu wer able to get a littl shopping done. I on the other hand have not been brave enough to even attempt/ I'll go shopping but I have completely avoided all the obvious places. :(

    I am also glad you were able to watch that show. It will be tough. Sending you a hug.

    We have to try and not beat ourselves up in the next couple of weeks.
    hugs and prayers

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  6. oh Jeanette. I'm so sorry. To think that you've lost your faith in your own body is terribly hard. I hope that, in time, you find faith in your body again, but in the meantime, I am very glad that you are slow and gentle with yourself.

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  7. Thank you for all the comments. Spirit Of Old, Im sorry for your loss.

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  8. thinking of you as always xxxxx

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  9. My heart aches for you and I am just so deeply sorry that you are going through this. x

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  10. That is so true. The unexpected, less obvious triggers seem to hit harder than the obvious ones. I still don't think I could sit through that program without crumbling.

    Perhaps I could hope for you and you could hope for me. At times like these, it's easier to take on others' troubles. Just know that somebody out there is holding hope for you.

    Peace, my friend.

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  11. Om, I'm holding hope for you. x

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  12. I still buy things for Georgina. But then I don't know what to do with them. I end up just putting them in her box or giving them to her sister.

    Before J left hospital, my husband and I had to do resus training using a dummy. I found the resus doll very uncomfortable, very sad.

    I loved your description of the thoughts of a newborn. It was so evocative I almost feel like I've witnessed it myself (although I haven't of course). J mewed too like Florence. G was silent.

    And oh that loss of faith. I wish I could restore yours to you. Mine is also gone.

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  13. Jeanette I am so sorry. Thinking of you and your family. Take things slowly xx

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  14. Jeanette I am so sorry. Thinking of you and your family. Take things slowly xx

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  15. **big hugs** I wish we could all regain a little faith. Hope tomorrow is a better day xxx

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  16. The triggers are surprising to me. It's sometimes so very odd what makes me think, ahhhh, no. And I crumble or puddle. Glad your second shopping expedition was better and that your Woody was there for lunch. Sending you love, and love to all the babylost mothers struggling along. It's awful.

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  17. I hate that its so difficult for so many people at this time of year.

    I completely get the lack of faith thing. I'm very un-trusting at the moment.

    Thinking of you, e*

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  18. I watched that programme too and the part you are referring to made me think of you and made me cry.

    Be gentle on yourself, Christmas is such a painful magnifying glass, it brings up all kinds of emotions at the most unexpected moments, things we thought were under control or forgotten. Sending you love. xxxx

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