Sick

9:21 am

I'm so sick of myself, of how I'm defined by my grief, but also how I need to be defined by my grief.
Living with grief is constant, at least it is now. Maybe one day it wont be so present, just a subtle "something" no one can quite put a finger on.
Everything I do is coloured by grief. I'm not wailing and sobbing all of the time. Some days the tears are close and come easily, others they stay caught in my chest,but doing anything beyond the most basic of chores has me with heart racing, and fear of "can I do this with my dead baby in tow".
I'm so angry with myself. I know each new challenge should be taken gradually, It's still only been such a short time, heck I'm still post natal, but Urghhh!
Pull yourself together woman!
Something I can tell myself,but please don't anyone else dare to deny my loss, to ignore it or gloss over it.
I'm caught between wanting to find my new path and not be disabled by my grief, but wanting to also wear it with pride and wanting the world to grieve with me.
The world keeps spinning,and I'm trying to keep up, but I'm running in treacle afraid I'll drop my dead baby and she'll be gone, forgotten.

Don't be shy, say hello!

13 comments

  1. Florence will nto be forgotten. The people that matter will always carry her with them forever. even if people seem to have forgotten about her and moved on, she will still be there somewhere within their hearts. Your gorgeous girl Florence has touched many people's lives and will continue to do so.

    Please don't apologise for how you are feeling. Your feelings are yours and you have every right to feel whatever you feel each minute of every day. No one can or should tell you how to feel.

    Thinking of you
    deanne (again logged in as DH)

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  2. Oh Jeanette. I wish I had something better to say.

    I also get sick of myself sometimes. I hear you. Every single word. It is hard to find the balance between the two, grieving yet continuing to live. Certainly not one I've mastered yet. Perhaps none of us really can?

    Your sweet Florence's death is still so recent, go easy on yourself.

    Florence won't be forgotten. She will always be with you and your family. Someone wiser than me, left this comment on one of my early blog posts.

    Each person is a stone tossed from nowhere...the edge of reality, maybe...into the stream, the river, that we move through, and each stone stirs the waters as it enters. The waters can never be unstirred.

    xo

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  3. There is nothing I can do but to give you a virtual *big* hug and cry alongside you

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  4. NoNo, don't pull yourself together - LIVE your grief, as long as you need to. Only by doing it this way, you'll - one day - manage to live with it. Don't swallow - it'll only come up later and harder...

    And: You will never ever lose Florence, even if there will be days, when you don't think of her even once!

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  5. Jeanette it's been such a short time and takes years for the pain to lesson to a stage where you can get up in the morning and not be wearing your grief. You are mourning not just the loss of your baby but the loss of al that she could have become. Losing an adult (a parent, lover, friend) is difficult but you've known who they were and can live with your memories. Losing a child so young has robbed you of those memories and of knowing the kind of person Florence would have become.

    Your pain will change in time. But it's a long walk with lots of detours and revisiting of old grief. Thank you for sharing some of those steps with us. Florence is remembered by people who've never even met you because of your words.

    Love yourself.

    H xx

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  6. She'll never be forgotten, because you will never forget her. I used to worry that I would forget -- but I haven't, and I won't. And I get sick of myself too. I long for the person I used to be -- the person before dead babies -- but that person is long gone. This is the person I am now. I have to get used to it, but it doesn't stop me getting sick of myself.

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  7. As I've mentioned before it's a miracle you get up and get through each day!
    BIG HUGS
    San xx

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  8. It's awful because we didn't choose this grief path of course, it's taken us by surprise and won't be shaken off. Thinking of you and your Florence. (((Hugs)))

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  9. It has been such a short time. Please be gentle with yourself xxx

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  10. Florance will not be forgotten. xxx

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  11. Hi Jeanette, I sent you an e-mail regarding the Christmas Giveaways, but I not sure it is the correct address (I got it from your etsy transaction.) If you didn't get the info please emial me at hutchtina@bak.rr.com and I'll get the it out to you. Thank you so much for agreeing to participate. I think it is a great way to honor our babies while spreading some joy!!
    Love,
    Tina

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  12. Florence will never be forgotton.
    My Gran had a baby 60 odd years ago who didn't survive, I know my Gran still thinks of Irene and my children know she lived and died, just as your Great-Grandchildren will know Florence was here.
    Be gentle with yourself, this isn't a race, there is no goal.

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  13. No words of wisdom Jeanette, just lots of gentle hugs xx I don't really know you, have never met you, but have been touched my Florences birth and her death, I know I won't forget your little girl xx

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Hi, I love to hear from readers, hate to think I'm talking to myself here, so don't be shy say hello!