A hat!
OK, so it's not going to fit for long, but honestly I'm done with this one. My first attempt was waaaay too small, my second I messed up on the decreases, and finally this is complete (with mistakes), but I'm sooo ready to start something else that I'm going to live with the imperfections, even though I know they will drive me bonkers!





Made using this pattern.

I also finished some dribble bibs. I've always scoffed at this style of bib,but I've never had such a drooly baby before, and apparently this style works well.

Not much, but Ernest has actually napped this week, which meant I've got through a fraction of the piles of sewing on my desk.
Some boring essentials, but it's still sewing. Nappy wraps, some for Ernest and some ikkle ones for an expectant friend.
Lack of sleep has taken it's toll though, I made a few silly mistakes, but they'll do the job, and I guess that's all that really matters.

Last week we "celebrated" reaching six months of "booby in a bottle". I'll be honest and say it felt good to reach one of my goals, I'm glad I can at least provide breastmilk for Ernest, even if it is in a bottle.

I've become accustomed recently to making the best of things, for being thankful for what I do have, but oh how I long to breastfeed.

I remember being pregnant with India, and knowing I would breastfeed, despite not being breastfed myself, and only ever seeing one other woman breastfeed while I was growing up. She was a hippy friend of my mother's, and everyone said how strange it was that she was still breastfeeding a toddler. I thought it looked wonderful.
I was lucky, breastfeeding India was easy, not without tears, and a bout of mastitis, but easy, and so it was with Eden,Angus and Sid. By the time Florence was born I had been pregnant and/or breastfeeding for 13 years.

Florence didn't breastfeed. I wished she had.

I remember as I held her in the hospital telling the midwife I wanted to donate her milk. They offered me drugs to dry up the milk, and I reeled in shock. My baby couldn't have my milk, but I needed to see it,to know I was a mother of a newborn, and I hadn't imagined it all.

I donated my breastmilk for six weeks before it dried up, and while I know and understand that for many many bereaved mothers that would not be an option, it was right for me.

In those early days I would bargain with the universe to let me have Florence back, I would say "even if I've missed her life up until now", "even if I can't breastfeed"...."please I just want her back."

There was no question, Ernest would be breastfed, but that hasn't worked out despite our best efforts, and believe me it's been an effort.
I've only just stopped crying every day for the loss of our breastfeeding relationship. I'm only just getting into a rhythm with this new way of mothering.
I don't think of myself as a breastfeeding mother, my baby has breastmilk provided by me, but he's missing out on so much more.
There have been so many times he's needed comfort and all I've been able to offer is my arms, because the breast is not a place of comfort for him, it was painful for him to try and breastfeed, and I'm afraid this mother's breast has not been a happy place.

I found this photo on my phone,taken back in August, Ernest trying to breastfeed.


I was forwarded this wonderful blog post recently, it made me sob with recognition.

I haven't been trying Ernest at the breast very often at all over the past few weeks. I hate that I haven't,but also I recognise that I'm calmer and more able to enjoy our time together. Ernest's babyhood was whizzing by in a fog of pumping,feeding,washing,sterilising,trying nipple shields,biological nurturing,nursing weekends,finger feeding....stress stress stress. (Not to mention grieving mother, and four older kids who need me too.)

The breathing space has been welcome, Ernest and I do have lovely skin to skin times, we co sleep, we babywear, we shower together, and he is always with me, maybe it's not too late, maybe he'll try to breastfeed one of these days, but I'm also much more accepting of the fact that maybe he never will breastfeed.
I'm still bargaining with the universe, "just a comfort feed at bedtime", or "please let me be able to provide milk for him until he's two."

I don't take anything for granted anymore, and I don't expect anything from the Universe, except maybe another kick in the teeth,so we'll do what we've been doing for the past eighteen months, we'll keep on keeping on, and I'll try not to feel like I've failed.

It's only a couple of weeks into the new year, and my kinda half resolution was to try and be a better friend*,and not shy away from social situations. I'm doing ok, not great, but ok. I even went on a Mums (from school) night out last Friday, that was weird,but not horrible.
The truth is, that unless I push myself I'm more comfortable just being at home with Ernest, spending our days gently while the big ones are at school and Woody is at work.
I know though that being home alone every day can also be a little bit reality altering, it's too easy to get sucked into negative thinking sometimes.


The January light here in the North West is so very grey, a cold unforgiving grey that makes everything look so dreary.
These tulips are at least a little brightness .



I've been thinking about redecorating.After Florence died I honestly couldn't care less how the house looked, and little jobs that normally would be taken care of haven't been, and looking around, especially in this cold grey light I can see how much Woody and I have neglected our home.

Grief's cold fingers reach out into every aspect of life.

* I think there might be one or two friends reading this and rolling their eyes. I'm sorry, I'm trying, honestly. x

Weekends in a large family can be fun, but most often I'm afraid to admit, I allow them to disintegrate into two days of cleaning, laundry and preparing for the week ahead. I should try to remember to have more fun at weekends, even if it's only a stroll to the park.
On Sunday in my mad dash around the house, trying and failing to create order, and only managing to annoy myself, I spotted a little multicoloured ball of fluff on the laundry airer. Somehow one of Ernest's little cardigans had got mixed up in the regular laundry and had felted and shrunk into a tightly wadded mass.At first I was cross, and I yelled, and then the frustration turned to ugly angry gulping sobs that shook my whole body and I lay on the bathroom floor (against the door so no one could come in)trying to stop them, but to no avail.
The cardigan was one I knitted for Florence, I told myself that was why I was crying, but I'm not sure that was it at all.

I'm not an angry person, neither is Woody, and I don't think either of us have been angry about Florence's death.Yeah, sure we've had flashes of annoyance, been faced with some stupid comments, some ignorance, but we've neither of us got really steaming mad.
There's no one to get mad at. We had excellent care before, during and after Florence's birth, and even the coroner who let us down on a few points hasn't made us angry, not really truly angry.

I was frightened by my reaction on Sunday. Lately I've been having dreams where I am hitting out at someone/something unknown.

I guess there is some anger there.
I guess if I really push myself I can admit that actually ,yes I am angry. I'm angry that other people get to keep their children, I'm jealous...but even as I type those words, I'm reasoning myself out of the feeling. After all it does no good.
And so I pull myself together again, just like I did on Sunday. I stifle the sobs that threaten to never stop if I allow then free rein, and I carry on.
There's nothing else to do, and it's what's expected, after all it's been almost 18 months and I have my beautiful Ernest sleeping against my chest. I should just be grateful.

Meanwhile, (and this is probably the kind of anecdote most people want to read on here.)browsing through a children's catalogue this morning, (I like looking at pretty pictures) I spotted little Beatrice Bunny sitting atop a pile of bedding. Little Beatrice who guarded Florence's grave, who was almost stolen away for good by dogs, but brought home and washed and now sits in Florence's memory box.
She's just a little toy, thousands of them exist I'm sure, but seeing her there in the catalogue made me think of Florence, and made me smile.



I want my little girl here. I don't want her bunny in a memory box, but dragging behind her, clasped by the ears in her chubby little hands....it just is so fucking shit.

I've just added my review to Amazon.co.uk
This is a lovely book, I can highly recommend it.

I have been reading.
I've been socialising.(something that lately doesn't come easily)
I've been taking photos.



Treating myself to new yarn.



Making lists and dreaming.

x

I discovered today that my twenty five days of give aways ornament has probably got lost in the post, I know my ornament swap ornament arrived, but now I'm worried that the other ornaments I posted at the same time never made it either. So if anyone who was expecting an ornament from me hasn't yet received it, please contact me jeanette dot archer at gmail dot com and I'll see what I can do.

x

...it's the silly little things like stumbling across this that just knock the wind out of me.

There just are not enough hours in the day, I knew that when I signed up for the sketchbook project,and with only five days to go before the postal deadline,and a packed week ahead of me,and a very empty sketchbook, it's not looking good.
Maybe there will be a miracle, maybe Ernest will start taking hour long naps during the day,maybe he'll finally decide my nipple does not taste of sour lemon,and will breastfeed so that I don't have to pump seven times a day, maybe the laundry will sort,wash,dry and iron itself, and maybe my children will stop leaving dirty socks, sweet wrappers,toast crusts,empty cups all around the house.....but that's all just excuses, If I really wanted to get the project completed on time,I'd have done it,and I haven't,so big fat FAIL to me.

Just to try and console myself, I haven't been totally unproductive this weekend. I've updated and uploaded some fabric designs to Spoonflower, including this new colourway of my Buddies design, and some Flossies Garden designs.



I've also tried playing with my camera, and finally been brave enough to switch off "auto", I'm pretty happy with the results.



Oh, and I've had a house full of giggly girls over for Eden's 12th birthday, and been out for lunch with my family, that's more important than a sketchbook project isn't it?

I'm really enjoying the 365 project. I think it's interesting how the photo I invariably end up using isn't the one I had in mind at the beginning of the day. I'm taking a lot more photos than usual, and I'm considering each one more than I would normally.
There's so much I don't know about my camera, and I admit I tend to only ever use it in auto with the flash off, I'm too scared to try manual, but maybe this project will give me that push.

Some photos that didn't make it today.

We are still pumping.


This lovely ornament arrived today from Jenn, thank you. x

New shoes, (impossible to walk in), and kitchen experiments with my boys.

I don't want to steal your baby, I have never wanted to steal any one's baby. My daughter is not replaceable, she died in my arms, and all I've ever wanted is her.
Of all the many baby loss parents I have met in real life and over the web, I have never known any of them crave anything more than to hold their own baby.
In fact, for many many of us bereaved parents the thought of holding or even sometimes just seeing and hearing any other babies is terrifying.

And so, writers of a certain dreary soap opera, thank you. Thank you for perpetuating the myth of the crazed bereaved mother, for keeping baby death the taboo it already is, and for causing parents already suffering more than you clearly can understand, more heartache.

No, I don't watch your horrible programme, but I live in a world where millions do, and I have to stand in the school playground, the supermarket, at toddler groups, I listen to the radio, I watch tv, and I read parenting forums, all discussing this plot line. All drawing their own conclusions based on misinformation.

I just hope you never have to suffer the pain of burying your child.

So, I've signed up with 365 Project, maybe taking a photo every day will force me to take better photos, I hope so.

Oh and a winner for my NYE give away....Congratulations commenter number 2, Melissa. I have no problems posting to Iowa.
(winner picked using random.org.)

I've had the urge to tidy today, a little Ernest who doesn't want to nap unless snuggled up with me has meant I haven't really got very far, but I did find these little felted wool heart decorations on my desk, and was reminded that I meant to give them away.
I've added ribbons to hang them since these photos were taken, so you could hang them anywhere.Only one has the "baby" decorations on.
Just leave me a comment, and I'll pick a winner after the weekend. x

ETA: I'm happy to post worldwide.x

There is a stillness at this time of year that I find unsettling and invigorating in equal measure.
Last year, I was so desperate to hold on to 2009. I was so afraid of losing Florence's year, and although the turning of another year takes her further back in time, I'm not dreading 2011 quite as much as I did 2010.
I think it might seem strange to many that I dreaded 2010 so much when i already knew I was pregnant again. And maybe it seems strange that I'm glad to leave 2010 behind when it was the year our beautiful Ernest was born.
2010 has been exhausting. Grieving one life, while growing another is probably the closest I've come to losing my mind. Follow that up with breastfeeding problems and hospital stays, and then just the general terror of mothering a newborn after a traumatic loss, not to mention trying to mother four growing and grieving older children; I think it's no wonder that these days I find myself walking a very fine line between grief and depression.
I'm not alone I know, with feeling lost with my grief. I'm tired of myself,and am not at all surprised that maybe others are tired of me too.
My grief has changed, I don't get flashbacks so often and so unexpectedly. the grief is burrowing deeper inside, less obvious to everyone else, but always there, always hurting.A relentless ache with no dignity.
All this, unyet I'm so lucky, and don't think for one moment I don't realise how lucky I am.
I'm typing this with Ernest nuzzled into my neck, sleeping on my shoulder. I don't expect him to cure my aching heart, but he's a joy all of his own, and so loved.

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Khalil Gibran

Thank you to everyone who has sent us cards and ornaments this year.
I love it when I open a card to see Florence included in some way, and one of my friends managed to even make me chuckle with her card and ponderings on how to include Florence. (I think you know who you are, thank you, you made me smile. I know how you and yours think of Florence often.)

This gorgeous snow globe came from a very special friend, and this is staying up all year round. I give it a little shake every time I pass it and send a little "hello" off into the Universe. Love you Hev. x

This felted ornament was made by another blogger, Sad Kitty as part of the ornament swap organised by Jenny. I love it.
This was such great project to take part in. I enjoyed making the ornament for my swapee, and almost forgot I was going to receive one too. A lovely way to connect with grieving parents around the world, and hopefully pass on a little hope between us all.



This lovely little dove came from another speciial friend, thank you Lisa. x



These hang together with the ornament we bought for Florence this year, a porcelain heart from this seller on Etsy. I also couldn't resist a few little pieces from her for the children's stockings too, check her out.



And of course the ornaments bought, and made, and gifted to us last year.
India said soon, we'll have just Florence ornaments for Christmas.
It goes without saying, (but I will) that we all wish we had more.

Tomorrow, we will take roses and a Christmas balloon to Florence's grave, and we will carry in our hearts all of the babies and families we know who are missing their precious children this Christmas and always.

***

And now for a winner! Using Random.org the chosen winner of the little pinafore is commenter number 6, Just Me.
There are no contact details for you in your profile honey, so I'm really hoping you see this. email me jeanette dot archer at gmail dot com with your contact details and I'll get the dress off in the post after the holidays.

Love and Light to all my readers this Christmas. x

I think there are things I do like about Christmas.
I like making decorations, and hanging them. I like making and choosing gifts for people I love, and I like being home with my family.

Our second Christmas without Florence. She would be 17 months old today. Maybe she'd have a few little curls at the nape of her neck, and maybe those curls would still have the hint of red I thought I saw when she was born. Would she have green eyes like me? We glimpsed a sliver of blue once, but her colouring was more like mine, so maybe by now they'd be green or hazel like Eden's.
Maybe, I'd have picked out a little dress for her, and tights and shiney shoes...

The sobs choke me, out of nowhere, and then Ernest smiles and he's so irresistably squishable, and my heart aches and melts, the tears of joy and sorrow burn my cheeks.

There's a Florence shaped hole deep inside, and no amount of chocolate or mince pies can fill it, believe me, I've tried. (And that's a post for another day)

This time using these fab freebie designs by Jenny at Allsorts. I printed them onto adhesive paper and used them to brighten up this plain tissue paper.

Thinking of you and your family and especially your Mummy, Angie. x

I don't much like gift wrapping. I always have these great ideas in my head, but generally end up with crinkly paper and huge globs of sticky tape.
Then there's the whole waste thing....
Yesterday someone posted this link on one of the forums I use, and I decided to give it a go.
So quick and easy and effective, and most importantly I get these fat quarters of Shade Garden back, cos I used them to wrap Ernest's pressies.

Lookee over there in my side bar...scroll down a bit....there a free PDF pattern for my Flossie's Pinafore.



I designed this pattern a while back, initially for a book submission. That never came to anything, so I thought I'd simply share it here with you, my readers.I hope you like it.

I have had a good sewing pal test the pattern for me, but you know, sometimes even the best of us can miss things, so if you find any problems with the instructions or the pattern please let me know and I'll do my best to figure things out.

Please do add any piccies of your dresses to the flickr group, I'd love to see them.

Please don't use this pattern to make dresses to sell. this pattern was designed in memory of my beautiful Florence, and I'd be very hurt and upset if anyone took advantage of that.

Please do consider making a charitable donation to your local NICU, SCBU, or children's hospice if you do use the pattern.


And finally, just for those who don't sew, I've got one Pinafore to give away. This is a size 12-18mths, and could be yours, just leave a comment, and I'll choose a winner on Christmas Eve. (sorry, not one for the boys, but I'll work on something for the New Year.)

I felt the need to Christmas up Florence's little area in our hallway.
There are six little paper stockings on the tree.



I keep wanting to write more, but I just can't find the right words. x

I've had a lot of practice answering the dreaded "How many children?" question .
Woody hasn't had the practice I've had. I could see the word hovering for a second or two on his lips, and then the sadness as he said "five"
It's just polite dinner conversation, a little light teasing about our family size, all well intentioned.
Everyone knows about Florence, but no one mentions her.
The room gets a little spinney, Woody and I exchange glances, that perhaps no one else sees.

x

There are fewer decorations at the cemetery this year, at least amongst Florence's neighbours. I guess that's just how it goes.
I decided on a little pink tree this year, with sparkly butterflies.

And two little Christmas friends.


Our second Christmas without her. I don't know what to say about that. How many times can I say I miss her, we miss her?

We do. x

I have the next two sizes up ready to go, and hopefully a home for this little bonnet, must knit quicker!

Ernest is mostly worn, but sometimes we use the pram. Winter is well and truly here, and not relishing the idea of spending £85 on the buggy snuggle that fits the Xplory, and not having the time to sew something from scratch, my lovely friend (and thankfully hoarder) Mary sent me over a gorgeous little warm baby nest that fitted perfectly. Only problem was the colour didn't quite work with the purple of the pram. (guess who forgot to take before pics.)
So, using an inexpensive fleece blanket I'd bought from Ikea, initially intending to use it to make India a hoody, I re covered the baby nest and we now have a lovely bright buggy snuggle.
There is still enough fabric left for India's hoody,but she's reluctant to wear anything that matches the pram...oops!

Comment number 14, and excluding deleted comments and comments asked to be ignored that means Angela it's you!

I'm moved to tears once again by everyone who commented and want you all to know that I've clicked through where possible to all of your stories and you and all your sweet babies are in my thoughts this Christmas.

I have four little runners up ornaments I'd like to give away too, and those go to:

Jessica
Michelle HS
Christy
Lea

If you'd all email me your addresses, I'll pop your ornaments in the post .
jeanette dot archer at gmail dot com

x

Today is the first day of 25 Days Of Giveaways, and I'm honoured to be taking part.

My give away is this ornament made especially for a babylost family. The heart is recycled from a felted sweater, on one side is a little heart made up from brightly coloured buttons, and on the other a pocket containing a little scroll for you to write your message of love to your baby or babies.

You can hang this on your Christmas tree or really anywhere in your home, either just for Christmas or year round.

This give away is open to all babyloss parents, all around the world. Just say hello in the comments and I'll use a random number generator to pick a winner tomorrow.



Don't forget to check out Tina's blog too, she's got an Amazing give away.
Click on the link below, or the one over there in my side bar.