3:20 pm

I wish I could unravel and begin to put words, meaning to the feelings I've had since Ernest has arrived. I can't.
I'm not sure there are words to describe how it feels to have him here and not to have Florence.
It's either very complicated or so simple I can't get it.
I could pluck words out of the air,words like guilt, joy, fear...but they just don't work,they only describe tiny fractions.
I look deeply into his eyes, his open blue blue eyes, and I love him for him,and I miss her for her, and every day is a reminder of everything she could never be.
Sometimes it feels like I lose more of her each day I notice more of him.
Sometimes I have to conjure up even the horror of her last hours, or moments and beyond just to connect, I hope that's normal. (I'm not sure it is.)

We are going to the sea side this weekend.I hope it will give us all time to take a deep breath and just be. I wish she was coming too.

Don't be shy, say hello!


  1. I've not been there so I don't know what it's like but I can imagine that one of the worst things of losing a child and especially a baby is that there aren't the memories to look back on. When we lose adults we can remember their voice, the way they laughed, those funny little quirks peculiar to them and the times we spent with them. You were robbed of Florence so soon that your memories of her are so small and yet they're so large. She was with you for those 9 months before. She will be with your for all your years to come. Having Ernest does not change that just the way that you grieve in the day to day changes. Ernest will always be his sister's brother even though he never met her. I think it's natural with babies especially to mark the changes and the milestones. I look at Isabel often and think of Florence and what age she would be now and what she would be doing.

    Your little girl is much loved and remembered even by those who have never met her xx

  2. I'm glad you share these moments...how it is for you. I wonder how it will be for me if we get to bring Simon home. I know I daily miss Lyra...but love him more daily too. I value your perspective.
    Florence is never forgotten. ((hugs))

  3. I can only imagine it must be very disorienting and confusing to be where you are right now.

    I so wish Florence could physically be with you all at the sea side this weekend as well.

    sending you love,

  4. I wish there were words to make it better, but we know there arent. As for normal, whats normal? The last 48 hours in hospital with my Dad were horrific and I try not to think of them, but sometimes when I cant quite believe what happened and cant quite believe he is gone, its the memory of the end which brings it all crashing back to reality. Maybe its the same for you. As surreal as those hours may seem at times they are probably the most intense living you have ever done.
    I hope you can enjoy your break away.

  5. I wish she were going with you, too. xx

  6. Honest, heartfelt post. I totally understand.
    Love to you. Missing baby Florence always.

  7. Either very simple or very complicated ... I don't know which either. I've said on my blog a couple of times that I can't make sense of having him but not her, so I don't even try.

    And I do the conjuring too. So, I vote normal. We live without them and had so little time with them, I think it's inevitable that we revisit even the horrible parts because, as you say, it's a connection.

    I hope the sea side is a break. I always find the sea in winter to be calming, somehow.

  8. I don't know if you know this song, but I LOVE it and thought of it immediately when I read your post. And then I watched this clip and cried for you.



  9. i can only imagine the emotions that go into bringing home a baby after loss. Just know that Florence is always with you. Always. You will not lose her. She will always find a way to clarity in your mind and heart

  10. I hope it does Jeanette. We are headed to the beach this weekend as well....

    I try to imagine how it will be if we are ever blessed by a 5th child. I feel for you- there must be so much behind his beautiful eyes.

    I hope you will hear her voice this weekend.....

  11. hope the sea side is lovely and that you feel close to Florence there. xxxxh

  12. I do hope you have a good time at the sea. I do find being on a beach. Especially a quiet BIG one, brings a feeling of being 'earthed' if I am feeling all over the place.

  13. Thank you all, but Sarah thank you for the video clip. I love Bjork, but I'd never seen that clip or heard that song, it's perfect for my post. x

  14. 'It's either very complicated or so simple I can't get it.'

    I think you've described it perfectly. To lose one and to keep one. It's a tangled old thing I think. xo

  15. Oh J, I feel all of that too -- the sweet and adoring love for them, but the searching their eyes for the ones we lost and cant ever have.
    My love,

  16. i know i will understand this soon jeanette, for now i just send you loads of love xxx


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