Waiting.And while I'm waiting it seems I'm not alone, and what I do know is that if hopes and wishes are enough to get baby boy here safe then we have plenty of those.
I might be distant, a little distracted, tearful, scared and a million more emotions, but I'm thankful for all your good wishes, truly thankful, and hoping all these hopes and wishes will be enough.x

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who voted for my cheater quilt in last weeks Spoonflower contest. I didn't win, but I didn't expect to, there were some lovely entries. You can see the winner here, which I'm not at all surprised won, it's definately my favourite.

I have ordered my design, I'll be making it up into a play quilt when it arrives.

In other news, I've been in to the hospital this morning for another doppler scan, and all looks well, I have another on Tuesday and if all is well at that one, we are still on schedule for thursday's induction.
So, expect lots of waffle or general insanity from here over the next five or six days, I'm sure it's not going to be pretty.x

Eden loves her gymnastics. Last year she didn't compete because Florence was due to be born, and she was excited and worried about missing the birth. I tried to persuade her otherwise, but she's a determined (and very sensitive) little girl.
This year, I could see she was nervous about competing with another baby due, and the competition on Sid's birthday, but we worked around it, and she was brilliant! Her floor display was excellent. I even saw one of the judges jaw drop when she did her "fish flop". I was so proud, and fighting back the tears, especially when she won silver medal.











(photos reproduced with permission)

It's been an exhausting day in hospital, scans, and monitoring and examinations, and swabs, and tears and hands held.
Baby boy will be with us soon. We are booked in for an induction on 15th July.So the countdown begins.

Other peoples dreams are just never that interesting, but last night I dreamed of Florence. She was dressed in pretty clothes, asleep in a shoe box in a cupboard. I found her, and she was warm and breathing, so I thought I'd better bathe her and nurse her, and wondered how I could've neglected her for all this time.
Then she was gone again, and Woody said it was ok, he'd left her asleep on the windowsill next to the open bathroom window...
Later, she was a toddler on my hip and she called me Mummy, and I said "where's Daddy?", She pointed across at Woody and smiled.
I guess it's pretty clear what's going on in my head right now. x

The small talk in the street.(and wondering, "have they really forgotten?")
The first stawberries from the garden.(that never quite make it into the house.)
The cheeky robins sitting on the swing.(Who sat there keeping me company last year when I was in labour)
The Boden summer sale.(and the dresses I didn't dare buy.)
The summer term inset day.(and being grateful for a day at home.)

All the little things are still the same, and she should be here.

Every kick and wriggle from baby boy reassures me for a moment, then I wonder, was it too hard, was it his last?
I don't trust my body anymore, I want him out, I want him in my arms and alive and safe, and there are no guarantees.

I think there is a good chance I might lose my mind completely in the coming days.

The other day while browsing Spoonflower, I spotted the upcoming contest for a cheaters quilt, infact it was just hours before the deadline to enter, and I had just a couple of days before designed a couple of cheaters quilts. I hastily updated my designs,and entered the contest...then began to worry. The standard of the Spoonflower contests is usually pretty high, and I knew my design probably wouldn't be quite fashionable enough to get many votes.
Well, now the contest is in full swing, and you can go vote for your favourites right here

You don't have to vote for me, unless you want to. I'll be happy so long as I get more than the one vote I gave myself! (I did vote for several others too!)

Every week we take fresh roses to Florence's grave. I sit next to her stone, I remove last weeks roses,and I sit quietly trimmimg the fresh roses and arranging them. Meanwhile Woody cleans her lantern, and lights a fresh candle. India and Eden fetch fresh water, and clean the stone. Angus and Sid run around on the grass and sometimes pick dandelions or buttercups for Florence.
There is a certain grace in each of us having our role, even when there is little peace...the boys are not quiet when they are running about !
This evening, the cemetery was still, just us there. As I was removing last weeks roses, I spotted this one, and had to bring it home. Such faded beauty. I've placed it under Florence's photo in our bedroom.

All of my children have had a name ready for when they were born. Sometimes, they've had a name even when I've only been a few weeks pregnant. Florence was Florence Violet from around 10 weeks, when I had a half awake dream in the early hours of the morning and knew her name.
(I guess it goes without saying that my instincts on gender have always been right too.)
Baby boy does have a name, actually he has a choice of two, but there is a clear winner in my mind, and I usually (always) get my own way!
Naming a baby is always difficult, but I find way more difficult when so many names I know and love belong to the precious babies of the babylost community.
I will hear a birth announcement, and hear one of those special names, and I feel a stab in my heart, and I try not to let it show on my face.
Recently I have heard of two new baby girls called Florence, and a Violet too. One of those Florence's is local, local enough that I might hear her Mummy call her name in a supermarket. Unless you are reading this as a babylost parent, I can't expect you to understand just how that hurts.
Of course, I can't expect the world to stop naming their babies just incase it makes mine or any other babylost parents heart skip a beat, and tears sting their eyes when they hear it. Like everything else that's a poignant reminder, it doesn't make us any sadder, it can't.
Maybe, over time I will hear of a new baby girl, Florence and I will smile and remember my baby girl too, and I will say "What a beautiful name, congratulations", and nothing more...maybe. x

Some days the tears are near the surface, some days buried deep, and some days they surface suddenly to hot stingy eyes, and are accompanied by loud sobs I didn't know were there...or I was pretending they weren't.
I've been feeling really rather calm lately, eerily so, almost detatched. Like with any emotion I've tried to just feel what I'm feeling, just sit with it.I know whatever it is,it will change and there's little point denying it or trying to overide it.
This calmness is what it is, it's not an omen,if anything it's just my brains way of coping in these last weeks.
This morning though as I waved off Woody and the children, those hot stingy eyes gave me away, and for just a second I could picture an eleven month old little girl at my feet, waving them off.Then a second later could almost feel her head heavy on my shoulder.
I don't know how to get through the next few weeks. I don't know how to miss Florence and wait for baby boy without losing my mind.

I used my Buddies fabric to whip up some pram bedding this morning. Just a simple stretch sheet and blanket with a velour reverse. I'm quite pleased with how well the colours of my fabric tie in with my lovely new purple pram.

You know I could ponder a while on the subject of prams, and the fact that some people seem convinced they have mystical powers that can kill babies, while others seem to think the fact that I have one all set up and ready in my kitchen implies some kind of optimism on my part.
The truth is, it's a beautiful thing, but it's just a thing, it can't kill my baby, it can't guarantee he'll live.
It sits quietly under a photo of Florence, and every now and again I look at it and hope I get to use it very soon.

Today, with the sun shining we went to visit the acre of woodland dedicated to Florence within Lady Mabel's Wood, in Haigh, Wigan.
Of course we managed to get a little lost on the way, not being familiar with the area, but what a joy when we found it! Such a beautiful place.



I'm sure it's somewhere we will visit often. We walked along some of the track through the woods and up along part of the towpath of the Leeds Liverpool Canal where we saw dozens of bright blue dragonflies darting along the canal's edge.







There's a country hall nearby too, so we went there for tea and buns before heading home.

Oh yes, and the ladybird house is in situ in the garden now too.

Today's efforts to keep busy meant sewing up this bag I've had cut out for a few weeks now. I used my gorgeous Sandi Henderson, Meadowsweet fabrics, (I decided a bag was a safer bet than a dress at this stage of my enourmousness.) and the "Here We Go" pattern from Anna Maria Horner's book, "Handmade Beginnings".
I'm pretty happy with it, it's lovely and roomy for carting about nappies and the like, plus it's pretty, and I like pretty.

Today I received an unexpected parcel, inside were documents detailing an acre of woodland dedicated to Florence, and a ladybird house.
The woodland is near enough to visit, and hopefully we'll be able to do that this weekend.
I'm so touched by this wonderfully thoughtful gift that came from the babywearing community and from my sewing friends.I don't know exactly who to thank, but I think there are lots of you, thank you so much,to know that our daughter's short life has touched so many means such a lot.
Only yesterday I was worried that Florence was being forgotten, but everyone walking in this woodland will read her dedication, and will know her.
Thank you. x

So, I've had this idea in my head for a while. I like to imagine sometimes a pretty garden filled with magical flowers and plants, a bright and sunny place, and although it rains sometimes, it's that lovely fresh spring rain that makes great puddles for jumping in.
I think of it as a place Florence might like. (Now i could go off on a tangent here about how I don't for one second believe she's in such a place, but I'll try not to spoil the moment)
This imaginary garden is my inspiration for the fabric designs I've been working on tentatively, and for the dress I recently designed in Florence's name.
Everyone who reads here knows how much I looked forward to creating for my little girl, and how much I miss being able to make for her, but she is still an inspiration to me, and I will try to honour her with my work.
I have plans in the pipeline, hopefully something to celebrate her birthday next month.
Meanwhile, I just want to say thank you so much for all your kind words on yesterday's post, you probably have no idea how scared I was putting up those designs.
Caroline honey, I would be honoured if you would name one of your knitwear designs after Florence.

Or at least the very beginnings of one.
I've had some ideas bubbling away very slowly in my brain for a while now, ideas for the future, my creative future to be exact, but I've either been too emotionally drained to make a serious start on anything much or I've been too damn scared of failure to pick up my sketchbooks and even attempt anything.
This morning though I put my fears aside (almost) and ignored my inner voice of doom and perfectionism and just decided to have a play.
I remember once at college my crazy tutor, Ron seeing I was having a bad few days at the drawing board, just sent me off to the print room to "play" just to see what would happen and get me out of my funk. He was a wise man, it worked then, and I can, albeit tentatively feel my creative funk lifting ever so slightly after my play on the pc this morning.
The designs I've created are basic, they need work, but I actually did them, and of that I'm kinda proud.
These are the first steps to creating a fabric range in honour of my Florence, she is my muse.

Lots to say and nothing to say. Keeping busy, trying not to think too much. Wishing the next few weeks away.
This outfit was completed today for a friend's baby. I'm a bit nervous about it actually, and wish I'd taken a better photograph...aw well, you get the idea I hope.

We've been in Scotland for the past five days. We stayed in a cabin on the shores of Loch Lubnaig.
We almost had to cancel our trip after Woody, the boys and myself all came down with a violent stomach bug on Saturday night. We were fit to travel by Monday morning though, and with fingers crossed that the girls had escaped the bug we headed off.
I had a few little wobbles about being so far away from home, and more specifically away from my local hospital, my consultant and my midwife, and a bigger wobble when on Tuesday morning I blacked out for a second in the car. I'm certain it was only the remains of the bug plus a little low blood pressure. It didn't happen again.
Despite my wobbles and slight worries, it was good to get away. Of course I always feel I've abandoned Florence.
I bought lots of trinkets to decorate her grave, souvenirs from a holiday she could never go on. I'll take them to her today.
I also bought a little tweed rabbit for baby boy. I fell in love with tweed while away and have a million ideas in my head for a winter wardrobe and a few other things all made from beautiful tweed. I'm always relieved to know I can still be inspired, sometimes I think my brain is so weary from grief and from pregnancy after loss that there is no room left for creativity, but I have a page in one of my notebooks full of "Scottish inspiration" , and perhaps even some plans to keep me busy over the next few weeks until baby boy arrives...and he's going to arrive, and I have to, and I do believe he's going to be well, especially since I've just sent Woody off to collect a stupidly expensive,but beautiful pram to push him around in. (I was brave and talked prams over the phone with a salesman, and didn't cry even when he suggested I pay a deposit for it now and collect it after the baby was born...maybe he has experience of dead baby returns...who knows.)

I dream of having a pretty garden, sometimes when I can't sleep I paint a picture in my mind of my perfect garden, it has rows of vegetables, and a pretty shed, and flowers lots and lots of flowers.
In reality our garden is untidy and though not really neglected kinda haphazardly taken care of.
At the end of last summer I tried to nurture a small plot in Florence's memory, and I planted hundreds of bulbs and goodness knows what else. Over the autumn and winter I watched the local squirrels dig up and eat some of the bulbs. I didn't stop them, I figure it's their garden as much as it's mine.
The squirrels did leave some bulbs behind and this week these pretty flowers have popped up. I can't remember even choosing them,but I know I did.



I did choose these violas to carpet the bare ground in front of Florence's stone.



My lovely Fig tree, Violetta isn't doing much...



But just look in the base of the pot, a whole magical world...



Florence, I'm sorry your garden isn't perfect sweetheart,but it's magical in it's own way despite my best efforts.

Today we decided to abandon the "to do" list and go see Grandma. We had lunch at Red Wharf Bay, sat in the sunshine, the children paddled, and Angus lived up to his reputation of behaving like an excitable labrador puppy, getting so wet and sandy he had to sit in the car in his underwear while his clothes dried out.
Sometimes, a day at the sea side is just what the doctor ordered.

It's not nesting ! It's simply making the most of Woody being home and getting on with all those pesky jobs around the house.
I have a list taped to the fridge and am crossing things off with great satisfaction as I go.
Just having a tea and much needed chocolate break.

This is a pin board I whipped up for India's room, which I decorated a while ago now, but has only been tidy enough for me to actually open the door and hang this board for about 30 minutes ever since.

I hung the bunting I made too.



Now it's back to painting Eden's room, the tiniest room in the house and it's taking far longer than anticipated painting pale green over dark crazy coloured walls.

Just quickly want to say thank you so much to you all for the comments left on my last couple of posts, knowing you are all willing me and baby boy on is a great comfort. I can't promise my posts here are going to be terribly sane over the coming weeks, but I'm trying.

I cast on this matinee coat yesterday, I'm knitting it in size 3-6 mths, thinking of cooler weather come September, all very practical for a normal pregnant Mama, but a minefield of emotions for this one.
Knitting has never really been my forte.I usually enjoy it,but get frustrated with my lack of skill. This pregnancy however, keeping my fingers busy in the repetitive click clack of the needles has been calming. I don't understand it,but it works.
I had thought perhaps I'd knitted enough for baby boy, but having nothiing on the needles was disconcerting. A new knitting book and an expensive trip to the yarn store, and I'm feeling..well not better, but calmer.
I still cried as I cast this on yesterday.

I said in my last post how I'd only really started to just think of myself as pregnant, and I think the realisation that sometime fairly soon I'm going to deliver a baby, and he's either going to live or he's going to die is hitting me full force.
I'm distracted, and I'm exhausted and I'm scared.

I really just want to be normal again, to rub my belly in public and glow with anticipation. I used to love pregnancy, I was confident in my pregnant body.

I want to say to Eden that the dinosaur she's making for baby boy is lovely without pondering silently that it's actually too big to fit in a coffin.

I want to not wonder how or where I'll store all of the baby things if we don't need them.

I want to pull the bedside crib out of storage without thinking it might only have to go back again.

I want to not be afraid of going to the baby store to order a pram.

I want to not have to sit on my hands whenever I see a comment on a forum from a normal happy preggo, about normal happy preggo stuff.

I want to not look up and catch women in the playground glancing in my direction in pity, then looking away.

I want to believe everything will be ok, but I don't want people who barely know me to tell me it will all be ok this time. They don't know, they didn't hold their child in their arms as she took her last breath, as her heart stopped beating....

I just want baby boy here, safe and sound x

And I think I'm finally starting to think of myself as really pregnant, which if you could see the size of me might sound slightly crazy.
Baby boy is big, currently estimated at 3lbs 6oz, I know those estimates are not terribly reliable, but he feels about that. And he's still a he. I double checked yesterday at my scan.The sonographer was very patient with my paranoid questions.
I also saw my consultant yesterday, and we are on track to induce sometime after 37 weeks, so hey maybe I've only another 7 weeks to go...we'll see.
I'm still telling everyone 10, and telling myself the same, while focusing on getting through the next minute,hour,or day depending on how emotional I am at the time, and these days I'm very emotional.

My consultant is a very lovely man, and yesterday in the process of explaining something to me he used an example of a woman who had two babies die. Now my logical brain understood the whole of what he was telling me, but my crazy babylost brain just picked out "again" it happened "again" and that word has been whirring around in my head ever since.

I've tried not to imagine baby boy in my arms,but sometimes I admit I do, just for a second.
I don't have the same feelings I had when I was pregnant with Florence, I do believe he'll make it, but then I know like any other babylost parent does that it can happen.

I often have that old Smiths song in my head, just begging the universe to please please please...

Baby boy is due exactly two weeks after Florence was born,so many events,birthdays,holidays,etc are running parallel and sometimes it's really hard.
Today was Sports day for Sid. Thankfully, the venue had changed,I really don't think I could've gone had it been held as usual in the vicarage garden, too many memories of excited conversations looking forward to birthing Florence.
This morning I found a spot to put down my picnic rug and sat quietly waiting for the children to arrive, and yes trying really hard not to cry. I watched babies that were born last summer crawl off with tired parents chasing after them, and couldn't imagine Florence ten months old and doing the same.
Just when I thought I might leave early a friendly voice said "there you are". A lovely friend came and sat with me, and we chatted, and despite still feeling kinda shakey inside I knew with her there I could stay.
Only two more sports days this week, maybe now I've done one,I'll cope better at the next two.

How is it possible to miss someone so much when they were here for such a short time?
We miss you sweetheart.x

I think I may have just invented a living Florence. Waddling home from school in the heat, a Mum I don't know,but whose daughter is in Sid's class asked me if this baby was my third.(I had Angus and Sid with me). I replied that no, it was my sixth, and she was totally gobsmacked, exclaiming loudly to her daughter and husband that I was expecting my sixth baby.
Then she looked at my large bump and asked when I was due, cue more exclamations at my size and how much bigger I'm going to get by August. (sigh)
By now I was trying to avoid her,but she lives on the next street to me, and we were going the same way.
"Do you know what you are having?" She asked.
"Yes a boy" says me
"Oh, well I guess you have some girls too?"
"Yes" and I start to shake, and glance over at my friend who has now caught up with us.
We cross the road and I scurry away feeling like shit, and leaving her with the impression I have five living children, and no doubt next time I see her I'll have to pop her bubble and tell her one of them is infact dead.
Shit shit shit!!!

Is that what I will look like if I make this dress in these fabrics? Especially considering my bump is already, at 29 weeks too large for the largest size, and I'm going to have to alter the pattern.
I think my indecision is probably my answer.

What seems like forever after it's US release, Anna Maria Horners new book arrived today. I've had this on pre order forever.
Owning this book means more to me than it probably should, for reasons I can't quite make sense of myself, other than I am so grateful to get a chance to make some of the items in the book for baby boy, and so sad that I never got to make any for Florence as I'd imagined , knowing the book was being put together last year.
Anna shared the introduction to this book on her blog a little while back, and she describes so perfectly how lovely it is to prepare for a new baby by making.
I don't regret one second of all the making and preparing I did for Florence, and I know the making I've done during this pregnancy has kept me sane, or at least on a fairly even keel, sometimes...

I've been bootie knitting.
First Picot Trim Booties, from a pattern in Quick Baby Knits by Debbie Bliss. I used some sock yarn I happened to have in my stash. Love these, and have put them in my hospital bag.


Next Saartje Booties, knitted in Jacobs sheep yarn. I posted a pic of these the other day,but a couple of people asked for the link to the pattern,so here it is.


And lastly, some simple garter stitch booties, pattern from Quick Baby Knits again, and using Debbie Bliss Baby Cashmerino.

Cooking tonights dinner, and look what was in my can of tomatoes....



It's a crushed plastic coke bottle lid...bleurghh!
I have already phoned Tesco, and now we have to take the can back to the store, for a "foreign body investigation".

Kinda put me off my dinner , despite spotting it before using any of the tomatoes.

These are so quick, and so cute and use hardly any yarn, so good for all the leftovers. These ones came out quite big,but I do tend to have babies with big feet and hands.

Another quick knit. I love this yarn, it's Jacob Sheep yarn, so the colour is the colour of the sheep, and it smells so divinely woolly.

Well meaning people keep asking me every day how I am. I'm not sure what reply they want to hear.
When I tell them that physically everything is fine, they look relieved, and I say quietly in my head "but everything was fine with Florence". I think most people still don't get that. In fact I know some people think that having her at home somehow caused her death. No one wants to think that sometimes babies just die and no one knows why.
People are reassured when I tell them I have a consultant, and I'm going to hospital this time, they just don't get it.
Sid's teacher asked me yesterday if I was having a c section this time. While it's a possibility, my consultant has already stated quite clearly that had Florence been born by c section, she still would have died.

Physically I am fine, and as far as we know so is baby boy. Inside my head though, well that's quite a different story. Sometimes I wish I was like Worzel Gummidge, and could take off this head,swap it with another for a while, just for a break.

Can't do that though, so I'll just keep on keeping on, and even though I cried while sewing the buttons on this little vest,I'll just keep on hoping baby boy gets to wear it, and wishing Florence were here to get under my feet and stop me having so much time to knit.

Finished this little soaker last night with the left over yarn from the Milo Vest.
I used the Little Seedlings pattern, which knitted up very easily and very quickly. I do think it's very cute, but I know despite having knitted the size small (10-16lbs) it's never going to fit baby boy, at least not over any of his fitted cloth nappies. I might get away with a muslin, but I think it's more likely I'll use it over a disposable, just to look pretty. (We are taking disposable nappies to hospital)
I'll probably knit this up again in a larger size, and possibly add more to the rise.
Meanwhile, I justsorted through my modest yarn stash and found just enough (I hope) of some Jacobs Sheep yarn to knit the pebble vest. So that really is next on my list.

(Oh and yeah, the colour is a bit off in this pic, the light in here today is very bright, but it seems blocking some of it out has made everything a bit yellow.)

Just finished this Milo Vest with Owl cable this morning.
Next on the baby knitting list is The Pebble Vest.

Despite the fuzzy head I still needed to tidy up my work space, and while putting things away I remembered I wanted to make a new cover for this cot quilt.
I know baby boy can't use a quilt (duvet really) until he's a year old, but the bedside cot will go up in our room eventually, and it'll be nice to have bedding that suits the current decor.
I used some of my Blue Dahlia fabrics, printed by Spoonflower on lovely soft interlock. The reverse is killington flannel, and I've used resin snaps for the closure.

I've got three out of four children off school today with head colds, and I'm feeling rather fuzzy in the head myself.
Maybe it's a cold, maybe it's pregnancy, and maybe my head is just fuzzy from the constant spinning of grief. I think it's likely all three.
This little brooch has been the highlight of my week, made by my friend and left in a little parcel on my doorstep. Thank you Jayne, it's beautiful. x

I finished the blanket I've been working on for baby boy. I started knitting this in the early weeks of pregnancy when everything was so unsure. I thought if I could just knit and keep my hands busy...
So, I kept on knitting until I ran out of yarn, then inspired by the Bunny Blanket in Vintage Baby Knits, I added three little bunnies in this lovely floral cotton, and bound the edges of the blanket with Killington Flannel.
Lots of hand stitching, which I always find therapeutic, and I'm really happy with the "homespun" finish.
There is a lot of love in this blanket, and I think it's going to the hospital with us.

Click on the link in my sidebar for more details.

Today's piece on Still Life 365 is a community poem. Please take a look it's a powerful piece.x