It's been a while since I've made any blankets for my local hospital bereavement suite. these are double sided minkee/flannel or minkee/knit.I'm trying to get a package together for next time I visit the hospital. Next on my list are burial pouches for the really tiny ones.
Tiny hats too, they knit up in no time.
When Florence was born Woody grabbed the camera from the shelf and hastily took a few shots of her . Four in all, grainy hastily taken photos in poor light. The only four photos of her alive.
Later in hospital, the midwives suggested they take some more of the three of us. We were not sure at the time, after all we had four precious shots at home of her alive. The midwives took five more photos, you can clearly see the tears in our eyes on those photos.
When we took the children into the hospital to see Florence that evening,I grabbed my camera as we headed out. I took as many shots as I could of the children with their baby sister. I didn't really consider lighting or composition, and I was worrying over Florence's delicate body. Her lungs were at that point saturated with blood, and the slightest movement would cause her to bleed out through her nose.
So we have perhaps twenty photos of her, some no one outside of us have ever seen, though to us she's beautiful on every one.We know to others she may not be.
Twenty or so photos is just not enough, a thousand photos would never be enough,but I wish we'd taken more.
After seeing Sally's beautiful necklace in a recent post by her, I showed it to Woody, and he has ordered a similar one for me for Mothers Day (14th March here in the UK). I had to choose two photos for it and I wished I had more to choose from. I could never tire of looking at her, not ever.
Here in the UK, pregnant and new Mums are given Bounty Packs at various stages during pregnancy and after birth. They are really a marketing excercise, lots of big companies pay to have their products in each pack, and hopefully the new Mum will be hooked for life, but for lots of Mums it's quite exciting to get your big bag or box of freebies.
I quite enjoyed claiming my packs when India was small,but never bothered after that because I knew most of the products included were things I wouldn't use anyway.
Fast forward to now, and my curiosity got the better of me, so I filled in the form (Oh dear cue junk mail for the rest of my life!), and sent Woody off to Boots to claim my "Mum To Be Essentials" pack. I thought maybe there might be some sample sized bits and pieces useful for my hospital bag, maybe a breast pad or two, or some antibacterial gel.
I ripped open the bag, and found a bib, a spoon, some perfumed washing powder.....and a guide on caring for your baby now she's six months old!
The lady in the shop had given Woody the 6+ months bag, not the Mum To Be bag. So I have the bag I should be getting right about now for Florence...sheeesh, I should've known better!
This looks like a much better bet.
I quite enjoyed claiming my packs when India was small,but never bothered after that because I knew most of the products included were things I wouldn't use anyway.
Fast forward to now, and my curiosity got the better of me, so I filled in the form (Oh dear cue junk mail for the rest of my life!), and sent Woody off to Boots to claim my "Mum To Be Essentials" pack. I thought maybe there might be some sample sized bits and pieces useful for my hospital bag, maybe a breast pad or two, or some antibacterial gel.
I ripped open the bag, and found a bib, a spoon, some perfumed washing powder.....and a guide on caring for your baby now she's six months old!
The lady in the shop had given Woody the 6+ months bag, not the Mum To Be bag. So I have the bag I should be getting right about now for Florence...sheeesh, I should've known better!
This looks like a much better bet.
Glow In The Woods is an amazing support website for bereaved parents, today I'm taking part in their kitchen table discussion.
1 | How would you describe your presence on the Internet? Does your online voice differ from your real life voice? If so, how? And why?
I had my blog before Florence was born,I wrote about sewing, and knitting, home decor, all pretty light and fluffy, just pretty pictures really with a few words. I had a small following, mostly other crafty Mummies and customers from my little business .
Then Florence was born, and she died, and news was leaking out via Facebook, rumours were started and Woody and I thought the best thing to do was add our news here on my blog.
We had no idea at the time what an impact that would make, and I had no idea how that decision would change my blog forever.
I think my online voice is my real life voice. I'm as honest as I can be about most things, and my lack of writing skill means I can't really hide terribly well behind a more crafted voice. So yeah, I think this is me.
2 | Why did you begin blogging, or reading blogs? Was this before or after your experience of babyloss?
I was blogging already when Florence was born, and decided to keep my thoughts and feelings about her here in this space primarily because I didn't want to hide her away somewhere else. I had shared so many of the preparations for her arrival here, it just seemed too sad to move her.
This means that now my blog is a rather peculiar mix of grief and sewing, but that kinda reflects my life.
I worry sometimes that my sewing/crafty readers don't want to hear about the grief, and my babylost readers don't want to read about the sewing. I'm certain my initial dreams of a beautiful craft blog are totally scuppered now, and maybe the presence of my crafty readers stops me spewing my grief so violently, I just don't know.
3 | Do you write anonymously? Does anonymity - or would anonymity - change your expression of grief?
Nope, I am who I say I am. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be anonymous, but I know in reality I just couldn't keep it up.
4 | Do you have a responsibility in how you express yourself on the Internet? To whom, and why?
Yes, I think I do. My first responsibility is to my family. I will not write about Woody's grief, and I'm careful what I write about my living children, they deserve their privacy. I also do not write about extended family or friends likely to read and be upset.
Sometimes this is hard, and I've deleted many a post having a good old whinge about someone,but it's not worth it to hit publish. Usually just writing it down is enough to get it out of my system.
5 | Do authenticity and honesty matter to you, both as a reader and a writer? Or does unconditional support matter more? How do you think readers perceive your truth?
Authenticity and honour do matter to me greatly as both a writer and a reader. I hope readers perceive my truth for what it is. I'm a normal Mummy, missing her little girl.
6 | Have you ever been in the crosshairs of a troll? How did you deal with it, and what did you learn from it?
No, and I hope I never am.
7 | How do you feel before going online - either to write on your own blog, or to absorb the writing of others? How do you feel when you shut down the computer and walk away?
Hmmm, this is a tough question. I think how I feel changes so often. To read, I like some quiet time, I like to absorb what has been written by women (and men) who I have come to care about so very much over the past few months.
To write, well I guess I usually have something niggling away at me, and need to get it out. Once I have I generally feel better for a while, then I panic I've exposed myself too much, or I'm that boring woman droning on again about her dead baby, or that I've inadvertently upset someone.....I'm a worrier!
8 | Do family/friends know you write/commune online? If so, have they told you how they feel about it? How do you respond to their opinions?
Some do, some don't. I don't make a point of telling people. I'm usually pretty surprised when someone tells me they read.
My sil Julie reads and comments (Hi Julie), and I don't want to put words in her mouth, but I think she does that because she lives in the US with her husband (Woody's brother) and children, and we don't get to see them very often.I think in some small way my blog has brought us a little closer, and I'm glad of that.
I know some of my real life friends read, they tell me, actually when I think about it, there are quite a few real lifers who read, the lollipop lady (Hi Wendy) stops me sometimes to talk about something I've said on here.
9 | Have you ever met any other loss bloggers in real-life? How did it feel to share food and air and space, and how did it make you feel about your own storytelling and healing? If you haven't experienced this, would you want to, or not? Why?
No I haven't, but I'd like to. I feel very sad sometimes that many of the women I care so much about I will never meet.
10 | How did you/will you know it's time to read fewer grief blogs, and write less of grief? How did you/will you redirect your energy, creativity, and persona online -- did you/will you go offline? Disappear and start again? Or transition in your current space, hoping to find a new voice? If you've done this, how did it feel?
I really don't know, I'll probably just have more sewing here and less grief as time goes on.
1 | How would you describe your presence on the Internet? Does your online voice differ from your real life voice? If so, how? And why?
I had my blog before Florence was born,I wrote about sewing, and knitting, home decor, all pretty light and fluffy, just pretty pictures really with a few words. I had a small following, mostly other crafty Mummies and customers from my little business .
Then Florence was born, and she died, and news was leaking out via Facebook, rumours were started and Woody and I thought the best thing to do was add our news here on my blog.
We had no idea at the time what an impact that would make, and I had no idea how that decision would change my blog forever.
I think my online voice is my real life voice. I'm as honest as I can be about most things, and my lack of writing skill means I can't really hide terribly well behind a more crafted voice. So yeah, I think this is me.
2 | Why did you begin blogging, or reading blogs? Was this before or after your experience of babyloss?
I was blogging already when Florence was born, and decided to keep my thoughts and feelings about her here in this space primarily because I didn't want to hide her away somewhere else. I had shared so many of the preparations for her arrival here, it just seemed too sad to move her.
This means that now my blog is a rather peculiar mix of grief and sewing, but that kinda reflects my life.
I worry sometimes that my sewing/crafty readers don't want to hear about the grief, and my babylost readers don't want to read about the sewing. I'm certain my initial dreams of a beautiful craft blog are totally scuppered now, and maybe the presence of my crafty readers stops me spewing my grief so violently, I just don't know.
3 | Do you write anonymously? Does anonymity - or would anonymity - change your expression of grief?
Nope, I am who I say I am. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be anonymous, but I know in reality I just couldn't keep it up.
4 | Do you have a responsibility in how you express yourself on the Internet? To whom, and why?
Yes, I think I do. My first responsibility is to my family. I will not write about Woody's grief, and I'm careful what I write about my living children, they deserve their privacy. I also do not write about extended family or friends likely to read and be upset.
Sometimes this is hard, and I've deleted many a post having a good old whinge about someone,but it's not worth it to hit publish. Usually just writing it down is enough to get it out of my system.
5 | Do authenticity and honesty matter to you, both as a reader and a writer? Or does unconditional support matter more? How do you think readers perceive your truth?
Authenticity and honour do matter to me greatly as both a writer and a reader. I hope readers perceive my truth for what it is. I'm a normal Mummy, missing her little girl.
6 | Have you ever been in the crosshairs of a troll? How did you deal with it, and what did you learn from it?
No, and I hope I never am.
7 | How do you feel before going online - either to write on your own blog, or to absorb the writing of others? How do you feel when you shut down the computer and walk away?
Hmmm, this is a tough question. I think how I feel changes so often. To read, I like some quiet time, I like to absorb what has been written by women (and men) who I have come to care about so very much over the past few months.
To write, well I guess I usually have something niggling away at me, and need to get it out. Once I have I generally feel better for a while, then I panic I've exposed myself too much, or I'm that boring woman droning on again about her dead baby, or that I've inadvertently upset someone.....I'm a worrier!
8 | Do family/friends know you write/commune online? If so, have they told you how they feel about it? How do you respond to their opinions?
Some do, some don't. I don't make a point of telling people. I'm usually pretty surprised when someone tells me they read.
My sil Julie reads and comments (Hi Julie), and I don't want to put words in her mouth, but I think she does that because she lives in the US with her husband (Woody's brother) and children, and we don't get to see them very often.I think in some small way my blog has brought us a little closer, and I'm glad of that.
I know some of my real life friends read, they tell me, actually when I think about it, there are quite a few real lifers who read, the lollipop lady (Hi Wendy) stops me sometimes to talk about something I've said on here.
9 | Have you ever met any other loss bloggers in real-life? How did it feel to share food and air and space, and how did it make you feel about your own storytelling and healing? If you haven't experienced this, would you want to, or not? Why?
No I haven't, but I'd like to. I feel very sad sometimes that many of the women I care so much about I will never meet.
10 | How did you/will you know it's time to read fewer grief blogs, and write less of grief? How did you/will you redirect your energy, creativity, and persona online -- did you/will you go offline? Disappear and start again? Or transition in your current space, hoping to find a new voice? If you've done this, how did it feel?
I really don't know, I'll probably just have more sewing here and less grief as time goes on.
I hadn't forgotten. The winner as picked by random.org is comment no 8, Jess.
Jess if you contact me jeanette dot archer at gmail dot com with your address, I'll pop the kimono in the post to you.
Oh yes, and calling Beth, and Samantha, you won the dress, and the bibs respectively from my last giveaway, but I haven't heard from either of you. Email me, and I'll get your gifts off to you too.
Jess if you contact me jeanette dot archer at gmail dot com with your address, I'll pop the kimono in the post to you.
Oh yes, and calling Beth, and Samantha, you won the dress, and the bibs respectively from my last giveaway, but I haven't heard from either of you. Email me, and I'll get your gifts off to you too.
It's raining today. I like the rain, I can pull up my scarf over my nose, and tilt my umbrella to hide my eyes. I don't have to talk to anyone, and everyone is rushing by, so they don't expect me to stop and talk anyway.
Something is bothering me, something someone said.She didn't mean it to bother me, she has issues of her own and I think was merely protecting herself. A harmless comment really, people make those to pregnant women all of the time, but this pregnant woman is fragile, more fragile than she wants to admit, and the comment hurt.
I guess I'm gonna get a lot more of those too.
After dinner last night Woody came upstairs to find me watching Saving Babies , he just kinda winced at me, slightly rolled his eyes and settled down at his pc.
I've been watching a lot of "baby tv" recently. I kinda have this compulsion to watch, even shows like Saving Babies, which is about desperately sick babies.I watch, and I wince, and I cry and I wonder if they'll pull through (they always do...that can't be right can it? I mean do they film the ones that die then not show them?)
What I simply can't fathom about this particular show though is that these babies are so so poorly with often severe physical defects, unyet they are healthier than Florence was.
Florence couldn't even be stabilised enough to move her to a ventilator (she was ventilated by hand for five hours). The children's hospital though initially on alert to transfer her in, cancelled her transfer and advised withdrawal of treatment.
She had a perfect heart, a perfect brain, everything was perfect, she was beautiful and she was too sick to even get as far as those babies on tv.
Maybe I should just stop watching.
I've been watching a lot of "baby tv" recently. I kinda have this compulsion to watch, even shows like Saving Babies, which is about desperately sick babies.I watch, and I wince, and I cry and I wonder if they'll pull through (they always do...that can't be right can it? I mean do they film the ones that die then not show them?)
What I simply can't fathom about this particular show though is that these babies are so so poorly with often severe physical defects, unyet they are healthier than Florence was.
Florence couldn't even be stabilised enough to move her to a ventilator (she was ventilated by hand for five hours). The children's hospital though initially on alert to transfer her in, cancelled her transfer and advised withdrawal of treatment.
She had a perfect heart, a perfect brain, everything was perfect, she was beautiful and she was too sick to even get as far as those babies on tv.
Maybe I should just stop watching.
Thursday morning I had an appointment to see my midwife.I had been offered the option of having all my ante natal appointments at home,but I declined. My midwife works in the community out of several doctor's surgeries, and I know I rarely visit my doctor, but I can't put off going to the surgery forever can I?
The waiting room is tiny. I walked in, and there was a face I recognised from school. Someone I've often exchanged "hellos" with, though not since Florence was born.
She immediately spotted the green maternity notes in my hand, or maybe she spotted my bump. She grinned so hard at me. I smiled, but I was terrified (and a little ashamed.)
I told the receptionist I was there to see the midwife...there is no privacy in that room.
The nice lady from school asked me when I was due, and told me she was due soon after.
I sat down, tried to ignore the radio which was playing some stupid love song, bit my lip hard and tried not to cry.
Finally in the safety of the exam room with my midwife, I started to relax. We chatted about the inquest, and she immediately put me at ease.
Then it was time to listen in to baby. I climbed on the couch, and after a few moments, there it was, a little heartbeat. M, my midwife smiled. I think I said, "so I have been feeling something then?"
BUT...I didn't feel relief, or excitement or anything much. I didn't cry.
I left the surgery and called Woody on my mobile. I chatted about the waiting room, about how M had agreed with me on a certain subject to do with the inquest, and finally he interrupted and said "did you hear a heartbeat?"...."yes"
I told him to put the kettle on, I'd be home in a moment.
The waiting room is tiny. I walked in, and there was a face I recognised from school. Someone I've often exchanged "hellos" with, though not since Florence was born.
She immediately spotted the green maternity notes in my hand, or maybe she spotted my bump. She grinned so hard at me. I smiled, but I was terrified (and a little ashamed.)
I told the receptionist I was there to see the midwife...there is no privacy in that room.
The nice lady from school asked me when I was due, and told me she was due soon after.
I sat down, tried to ignore the radio which was playing some stupid love song, bit my lip hard and tried not to cry.
Finally in the safety of the exam room with my midwife, I started to relax. We chatted about the inquest, and she immediately put me at ease.
Then it was time to listen in to baby. I climbed on the couch, and after a few moments, there it was, a little heartbeat. M, my midwife smiled. I think I said, "so I have been feeling something then?"
BUT...I didn't feel relief, or excitement or anything much. I didn't cry.
I left the surgery and called Woody on my mobile. I chatted about the waiting room, about how M had agreed with me on a certain subject to do with the inquest, and finally he interrupted and said "did you hear a heartbeat?"...."yes"
I told him to put the kettle on, I'd be home in a moment.
This kimono has sat in my UFO box for such a long time. I whizzed it up on the sewing machine the other day, and now it needs a new home. I should warn you, my stitching on this is not up to my usual standards,but it's certainly serviceable. So if you have a little one you'd like this for just leave me a comment and I'll do a draw for a winner in a weeks time.
The kimono is made from cotton needlecord in a chocolate brown, and fastens with two little ties, one inside, one outside. The sizing on this is generous and will fit most 12-24 month olds. Looks lovely over a long sleeved t shirt or turtleneck, and with jeans or leggings.
And now for the winners of my last give away:
Using Random.org and some jiggery pokery with a pen and paper, these are the winners:
Green Dress : Ann-Marie Dewhurst
Red Dress : Beth
Bibs: Samantha
If you guys drop me a line at jeanette dot archer at gmail dot com with your addresses, I'll pop these in the post asap.
I dreamed about Florence last night. She was dressed in a pretty pastel sleepsuit, and looked so beautiful. I was holding her, I could feel her weight in my arms, but she was sleeping deeply, and was so quiet, she didn't want to feed. Suddenly she was gone, and I was looking for her in a cupboard full of pastel coloured boxes, but all I could find in there were dolls, and doll parts. I couldn't find her, but was frantic because she hadn't had a feed.
It's been a tough week. Wednesday was the inquest. The flashbacks had become more frequent in the run up, and I was feeling pretty low last week, but I also just wanted the inquest over with.
We were not quite sure where we were going. Funny how you can live somewhere for so long and not realise a building you've walked past hundreds of times is a building you might one day visit.
When we arrived, we were met in the waiting room by my lovely midwife, and the paediatrician that treated Florence and has been such a support over the past few months. There was also the pathologist, and another midwife who had come to support my midwife. Friendly faces.
The usher went through his list of attendees. I told him I was Florence's mother. The words caught in my throat and the sobs took over. I hate crying like that, but was soon ok.
We were taken upstairs to the court room. A large Victorian room, with huge windows through which the sound of the very busy road outside could be heard. I couldn't help noticing how the ugly modern office furniture sat so awkwardly in such a large an imposing room.
Woody and I held hands as we listened to the statements from everyone involved. Re living Florence's birth and death over and over from different perspectives. That was hard. I could feel the tears stinging my eyes.
Nothing new was discovered, as expected. We did find out that the staff at our local hospital were advised by the large children's hospital to withdraw treatment at 10.30, but the doctors continued for eight more minutes.
I was also relieved to hear from two statements how Florence was still alive when she was placed in my arms.
She was so very still, I'd never been sure if she'd already gone,but two paediatricians stated that Florence died in my arms. She was safe.
She stayed in mine or Woody's arms all that day.
The final cause of death is recorded as Massive Pulmonary Heamorrhage due to Natural Causes.
We'll ever know what those natural causes were.
It's been a tough week. Wednesday was the inquest. The flashbacks had become more frequent in the run up, and I was feeling pretty low last week, but I also just wanted the inquest over with.
We were not quite sure where we were going. Funny how you can live somewhere for so long and not realise a building you've walked past hundreds of times is a building you might one day visit.
When we arrived, we were met in the waiting room by my lovely midwife, and the paediatrician that treated Florence and has been such a support over the past few months. There was also the pathologist, and another midwife who had come to support my midwife. Friendly faces.
The usher went through his list of attendees. I told him I was Florence's mother. The words caught in my throat and the sobs took over. I hate crying like that, but was soon ok.
We were taken upstairs to the court room. A large Victorian room, with huge windows through which the sound of the very busy road outside could be heard. I couldn't help noticing how the ugly modern office furniture sat so awkwardly in such a large an imposing room.
Woody and I held hands as we listened to the statements from everyone involved. Re living Florence's birth and death over and over from different perspectives. That was hard. I could feel the tears stinging my eyes.
Nothing new was discovered, as expected. We did find out that the staff at our local hospital were advised by the large children's hospital to withdraw treatment at 10.30, but the doctors continued for eight more minutes.
I was also relieved to hear from two statements how Florence was still alive when she was placed in my arms.
She was so very still, I'd never been sure if she'd already gone,but two paediatricians stated that Florence died in my arms. She was safe.
She stayed in mine or Woody's arms all that day.
The final cause of death is recorded as Massive Pulmonary Heamorrhage due to Natural Causes.
We'll ever know what those natural causes were.
I had no idea the contents of my UFO basket would be so popular. I have allocated the following on a first come first served basis, sorry for anyone disappointed.
Hannah: Park Slope bucket bag
Mummytothec's: Ladybird lunch bag
Ally: Chocolate Lollipop bucket bag
Becky: beige/blue bucket bag
Tulip: green pinafore
Albert: beige/blue lunch bag
Samaymay: Petrol pinafore
If you could all email me your addresses to jeanette dot archer at gmail dot com I'll get them in the post later this week.
Don't forget it's still not too late to enter the draw for the give aways a couple of posts down...just scroll, I've been busy today!
Hannah: Park Slope bucket bag
Mummytothec's: Ladybird lunch bag
Ally: Chocolate Lollipop bucket bag
Becky: beige/blue bucket bag
Tulip: green pinafore
Albert: beige/blue lunch bag
Samaymay: Petrol pinafore
If you could all email me your addresses to jeanette dot archer at gmail dot com I'll get them in the post later this week.
Don't forget it's still not too late to enter the draw for the give aways a couple of posts down...just scroll, I've been busy today!
..and I'm impatient, so I'm listing here a few cut out ready to sew items from my UFO basket that someone else might have more use for than me.
Firstly lunchbags:
One brown lady bird corduroy with blue corduroy lining.
One pale beige/blue printed cotton with pale blue corduroy lining.
These are not complete, you need to sew them up using the lunchbag tutorial instructions in my side bar over on the left. They do not include an insulating layer, and you need to supply a button.
Next, Bucket Style Bags
Just like this one.
One in mixed green/brown florals (chocolate lollipop), with natural lining
One in blue floral (park slope), with natural lining
One in lovely beige, and pale blue cotton, with pale blue corduroy lining.
Again, you need to sew these yourself. They are pretty straightforward, though I'm not at all inclined to write out instructions, so if you want one of these then you'll need some sewing knowledge.
Lastly, Pinafores, just like the ones in my previous post.
Petrol blue, size 12-18 mths, with large flower applique pieces.
Green, size 18-24 mths, with large flower applique pieces.
Sorry guys, but again, no instructions, but fairly obvious to anyone with a little sewing experience. You will need bias binding for the arm holes and neck opening, and you will need either snaps or buttons to fasten the back of the dress.
OK, that's it, if anyone wants any of this stuff, just leave me a comment, I'll work on a first come first served principle for these,and sorry guys UK mainland only cos I'm gonna go bankrupt from postal charges otherwise. Please don't ask for more than one item.
And yeah, I know I said no instructions for the bucket storage and the dresses, but I might stertch to an order of work at the very least.
Come on, help me clear out my craft space!
Firstly lunchbags:
One brown lady bird corduroy with blue corduroy lining.
One pale beige/blue printed cotton with pale blue corduroy lining.
These are not complete, you need to sew them up using the lunchbag tutorial instructions in my side bar over on the left. They do not include an insulating layer, and you need to supply a button.
Next, Bucket Style Bags
Just like this one.
One in mixed green/brown florals (chocolate lollipop), with natural lining
One in blue floral (park slope), with natural lining
One in lovely beige, and pale blue cotton, with pale blue corduroy lining.
Again, you need to sew these yourself. They are pretty straightforward, though I'm not at all inclined to write out instructions, so if you want one of these then you'll need some sewing knowledge.
Lastly, Pinafores, just like the ones in my previous post.
Petrol blue, size 12-18 mths, with large flower applique pieces.
Green, size 18-24 mths, with large flower applique pieces.
Sorry guys, but again, no instructions, but fairly obvious to anyone with a little sewing experience. You will need bias binding for the arm holes and neck opening, and you will need either snaps or buttons to fasten the back of the dress.
OK, that's it, if anyone wants any of this stuff, just leave me a comment, I'll work on a first come first served principle for these,and sorry guys UK mainland only cos I'm gonna go bankrupt from postal charges otherwise. Please don't ask for more than one item.
And yeah, I know I said no instructions for the bucket storage and the dresses, but I might stertch to an order of work at the very least.
Come on, help me clear out my craft space!
So, the slight turn in the weather, the lighter evenings and the easing of my morning sickness all mean I'm feeling the urge to clear up and organise. (Not to mention the distraction from thinking about Florence's Inquest coming up this week.)
I sorted through my UFO box yesterday, and re discovered these little dresses I started to experiment with ages ago. I remember abandoning the project in favour of more urgent sewing,and because I wasn't entirely happy with the way they were going. Looking at them again with fresh eyes I can see that the pattern itself isn't really too bad, and I might return to working with it again.
Meanwhile, though these little dresses are not entirely successful, they are quite cute and it occurred to me that rather than chuck them in my rag bag, somebody out there might actually like them for their little one. (I could be really wrong about this though.)
Anyhow, both dresses are simple A line pinafores that fasten at the back with snaps (I've yet to add these, but I will do before I pass them on to anyone.). I think they'd look cute over a long sleeve t shirt or turtleneck over leggings or jeans, or even with just tights...they are short dresses, kinda 70's style, but that makes them ideal for crawlers.
Both dresses are sized to fit 6-12 month olds.
(And I should warn you, the colours might possibly run in the wash, so a colour catcher sheet would be a good idea.)
Hmmm, not sure I've really convinced anyone here!
Anyway, not to leave out the boys, I also found these half finished bibs. I just need to add snaps, and they are ready to use.
So, if you would like either dress or the set of bibs just leave me a comment telling me which one you'd like, and I'll pick a winner by the end of the week. Give away open to everyone who reads, I don't mind posting internationally.
While I have your attention, I also have in my UFO box several ready to sew lunch bags, and I really can't be arsed sewing them, so wondered, do you think they'd be worth giving away? The instructions to make them are right over there on the left hand side of my blog.(you might need to scroll down a bit) Just a thought...think I might have to ask people to pay postage for those though...pondering.
Let me know what you think please?
I'm trying, I promise I'm trying. I really want to be optimistic, but I find myself browsing websites for doppler hire and private scans, wondering if I should spend the money we don't have for reassurance...of a kind, and for how long?
I do battle with the old me, the natural home birthing Mama that believes in her body and it's ability to grow and birth a living healthy baby.
I'm just not her anymore, though remnants remain and taunt me.
I look at my shelf of pregnancy books, not daring to open them. I know what they say, I've read them all a hundred times before.I did everything right. Florence's birth was perfect, no drugs, at home, upright, no tearing, no problems and then she died.
This baby will be born in hospital*, I'm not sure how yet. I'm not sure I care. I just want a living one this time please.
* Babies die in hospitals too, and Florence would've died wherever she was born. I'm going to hospital this time for lots of reasons,but mostly because I know I can't do birth at home again, too many memories.
I do battle with the old me, the natural home birthing Mama that believes in her body and it's ability to grow and birth a living healthy baby.
I'm just not her anymore, though remnants remain and taunt me.
I look at my shelf of pregnancy books, not daring to open them. I know what they say, I've read them all a hundred times before.I did everything right. Florence's birth was perfect, no drugs, at home, upright, no tearing, no problems and then she died.
This baby will be born in hospital*, I'm not sure how yet. I'm not sure I care. I just want a living one this time please.
* Babies die in hospitals too, and Florence would've died wherever she was born. I'm going to hospital this time for lots of reasons,but mostly because I know I can't do birth at home again, too many memories.
Starting to knit a baby blanket can't kill my baby.
Buying a book of vintage baby knitting patterns similarly can't kill my baby.
Repeat, until you believe it.
Buying a book of vintage baby knitting patterns similarly can't kill my baby.
Repeat, until you believe it.
It's a funny old business this pregnancy after loss thing. Some days my head is spinning with thoughts, and my emotions are in such turmoil, I just don't know if I'm coming or going. I'm starting to think I may have multiple personality issues.
Yesterday was our "dating scan". I've always hated scans, and generally had as few as possible, I had no scans at all with Eden, though I guess that was mostly down to my wonderful Dutch midwives and the Dutch maternity services of the time. (we lived in Holland briefly in 1998).
The only way I can get through certain appointments is to kinda disconnect my emotions from my surroundings and be an observer. That's what I did yesterday. Even the junkie pregnant Mama in the waiting room was just someone to observe, and not even feel anything for, not disgust, or pity, or anything.
We were called into the examination room, the sonographer was kind, gentle and motherly, just what I'd hoped for. There is nothing obvious on my notes identifying me as a dead baby mama, but I think there must be something on my computerised records because something about this lady made me think she knew.
The machine was switched on, and Woody and I both looked for that heartbeat. It was there. Baby was chilled, and grown, and my heart was beating out of my chest.
The dating scan is quick. We were back in the waiting room in no time. We bought one picture.The sonographer gave me a squeeze with her eyes.Then we went to do some grocery shopping.
Later that evening I went to a pregnancy yoga class. A happy place, filled with happy smiley pregnant women, all glowing and bountiful, brim full of hope and joy. I found myself smiling too, even laughing...all the while quieting the demons in my head telling me;
"stop smiling, you are not one of them"
"You are a failure and a fraud"
I partnered a lovely young woman for one excercise, and we chatted. She asked me about my children, and I answered slowly, carefully trying to find the right words, trying not to scare her. I told her I would have a six month old, but she died, and bless her, without skipping a beat she said she was sorry and carried on her bubbly chatter. Maybe I did scare her, I hope not. Just her little sorry meant so much to me.She didn't recoil in horror, she didn't demand I leave the room for fear of contaminating everyone with my dead baby germs. She just chatted to me, and was lovely.
That was the second time this week I've had to tell someone my baby died, it's never easy, and I always feel I've been clumsy and it's come out all wrong. I don't know how to get the words out right,but I can't just gloss over Florence, maybe sometimes I should,but she's my forever baby, she lived, she was real, and I can't ever deny her.
I cried silently in the relaxation part of the class. The teacher was talking us through and having us imagine a rainbow of colours travelling up our spines, to the crown of our head and then down in front of us. My rainbow orb hovered above my belly above my baby that I already love so much, and am terrified of loving. I'm afraid of the intensity of my feelings, I'm so afraid of never getting to hold this little one pink and healthy, but I refuse to let those demons in my head win.
I do deserve to be in that class, my baby does deserve to be loved and wanted, and I'm going to fight those demons with everything I have.
Yesterday was our "dating scan". I've always hated scans, and generally had as few as possible, I had no scans at all with Eden, though I guess that was mostly down to my wonderful Dutch midwives and the Dutch maternity services of the time. (we lived in Holland briefly in 1998).
The only way I can get through certain appointments is to kinda disconnect my emotions from my surroundings and be an observer. That's what I did yesterday. Even the junkie pregnant Mama in the waiting room was just someone to observe, and not even feel anything for, not disgust, or pity, or anything.
We were called into the examination room, the sonographer was kind, gentle and motherly, just what I'd hoped for. There is nothing obvious on my notes identifying me as a dead baby mama, but I think there must be something on my computerised records because something about this lady made me think she knew.
The machine was switched on, and Woody and I both looked for that heartbeat. It was there. Baby was chilled, and grown, and my heart was beating out of my chest.
The dating scan is quick. We were back in the waiting room in no time. We bought one picture.The sonographer gave me a squeeze with her eyes.Then we went to do some grocery shopping.
Later that evening I went to a pregnancy yoga class. A happy place, filled with happy smiley pregnant women, all glowing and bountiful, brim full of hope and joy. I found myself smiling too, even laughing...all the while quieting the demons in my head telling me;
"stop smiling, you are not one of them"
"You are a failure and a fraud"
I partnered a lovely young woman for one excercise, and we chatted. She asked me about my children, and I answered slowly, carefully trying to find the right words, trying not to scare her. I told her I would have a six month old, but she died, and bless her, without skipping a beat she said she was sorry and carried on her bubbly chatter. Maybe I did scare her, I hope not. Just her little sorry meant so much to me.She didn't recoil in horror, she didn't demand I leave the room for fear of contaminating everyone with my dead baby germs. She just chatted to me, and was lovely.
That was the second time this week I've had to tell someone my baby died, it's never easy, and I always feel I've been clumsy and it's come out all wrong. I don't know how to get the words out right,but I can't just gloss over Florence, maybe sometimes I should,but she's my forever baby, she lived, she was real, and I can't ever deny her.
I cried silently in the relaxation part of the class. The teacher was talking us through and having us imagine a rainbow of colours travelling up our spines, to the crown of our head and then down in front of us. My rainbow orb hovered above my belly above my baby that I already love so much, and am terrified of loving. I'm afraid of the intensity of my feelings, I'm so afraid of never getting to hold this little one pink and healthy, but I refuse to let those demons in my head win.
I do deserve to be in that class, my baby does deserve to be loved and wanted, and I'm going to fight those demons with everything I have.
Five years ago today Woody and I got married. We've been together for 18 years now,but only decided to get married five years ago. I was 17 weeks pregnant with Sid, our only guests were my best friend, Heather and her now hubby,Gary. We got married in the Town Hall, then went to a local pub for cheese pie and chips. Just perfect for us.
Today Woody and I celebrated by having lunch in a lovely little pub near to the cemetery. We popped in to see Florence first and lit her candle.
After lunch we shopped for a little gift for Florence's newest cousin, Alex James who was born healthy yesterday.
Quite a nice day really, I'm now sat here drinking some lovely herbal tea my friend bought for me, and I might even have a nap before dinner.
The sun was even shining today, and the sky was beautiful.
A good day.
I haven't done much fabric shopping lately, not much at all in fact. That's what happens when you stop working I guess, no spare cash for fabric indulgences. Luckily for me, I do have a fair sized fabric stash to keep me going for some considerable time.
Anyway a few people have asked me lately where to buy nice fabrics, where I buy my fabrics, so I thought I'd add a list of my favourite stores, some are local, but most are online. The sad fact is that despite living in an area that was once thriving with cotton and silk mills, locally produced fabric is now nigh on impossible to buy.
So real bricks and mortar shops first:
Leons, on Barlow Moor Road, in Manchester is a total Aladdin's cave of scrummyness. I don't get there as often as I'd like,but I highly recommend it, especially for good basics, woollens and bridal fabrics. (They also have a sister store in Birmingham, called Barries. I used to shop there as a teen, when I was bunking off school....shhh!)
Abakhan I've shopped in the Manchester ,Chester and Mostyn branches, and the Mostyn one is my fave, I usually pop in on my way to visit the mil once or twice a year. TBH it can be a bit hit or miss, but the hits are usually really worth it. I've bought ex Boden fabric at ridiculously low prices from there before.
Then to Online Shopping, I tend to buy mostly from US sites, as the prices are just so much better, even often considering postal charges, and even customs charges.
So in no particular order below are some of my favourite sites to buy from:
Fabricshack Great store, they squash an amazing amount of fabric into a global priority envelope, and split large orders over several envelopes if necessary, which keeps postage costs down, and often avoids customs charges. (though you should always be prepared for any customs charges you might get)
My Blue Bamboo As above, this company are super reliable and ship using global priority envelopes, which generally arrive in about a week.
La Chakra Yuki is amazing! She has the most glorious fabrics in stock, she's fast, efficient, well priced, and again ships in global priority envelopes. She can stuff around 9 yards of cotton print fabric in one envelope. I can't recommend her highly enough.
Sew Love Fabric on Etsy, is another great seller. She often has fabrics in as soon as they are released from all the hot designers, like Anna Maria Horner, and Sandi Henderson. She's fast and once again ships in global priority envelopes. (can you tell this is my fave shipping method?)
There are other sellers I could mention, but honestly these are my total faves, the ones I head straight to if I need a fabric fix right now .
I hope they help anyone out there looking for a fabric fix, and hey if you want to recommend me a new place to shop, leave me the web address in the comments.
Anyway a few people have asked me lately where to buy nice fabrics, where I buy my fabrics, so I thought I'd add a list of my favourite stores, some are local, but most are online. The sad fact is that despite living in an area that was once thriving with cotton and silk mills, locally produced fabric is now nigh on impossible to buy.
So real bricks and mortar shops first:
Leons, on Barlow Moor Road, in Manchester is a total Aladdin's cave of scrummyness. I don't get there as often as I'd like,but I highly recommend it, especially for good basics, woollens and bridal fabrics. (They also have a sister store in Birmingham, called Barries. I used to shop there as a teen, when I was bunking off school....shhh!)
Abakhan I've shopped in the Manchester ,Chester and Mostyn branches, and the Mostyn one is my fave, I usually pop in on my way to visit the mil once or twice a year. TBH it can be a bit hit or miss, but the hits are usually really worth it. I've bought ex Boden fabric at ridiculously low prices from there before.
Then to Online Shopping, I tend to buy mostly from US sites, as the prices are just so much better, even often considering postal charges, and even customs charges.
So in no particular order below are some of my favourite sites to buy from:
Fabricshack Great store, they squash an amazing amount of fabric into a global priority envelope, and split large orders over several envelopes if necessary, which keeps postage costs down, and often avoids customs charges. (though you should always be prepared for any customs charges you might get)
My Blue Bamboo As above, this company are super reliable and ship using global priority envelopes, which generally arrive in about a week.
La Chakra Yuki is amazing! She has the most glorious fabrics in stock, she's fast, efficient, well priced, and again ships in global priority envelopes. She can stuff around 9 yards of cotton print fabric in one envelope. I can't recommend her highly enough.
Sew Love Fabric on Etsy, is another great seller. She often has fabrics in as soon as they are released from all the hot designers, like Anna Maria Horner, and Sandi Henderson. She's fast and once again ships in global priority envelopes. (can you tell this is my fave shipping method?)
There are other sellers I could mention, but honestly these are my total faves, the ones I head straight to if I need a fabric fix right now .
I hope they help anyone out there looking for a fabric fix, and hey if you want to recommend me a new place to shop, leave me the web address in the comments.
Cybele commented on my last post that I seemed to be "looking outwards" more lately. I think she may be right.
Maybe it's time, maybe it's being pregnant again, but I do feel like I'm starting to look outwards and possibly even looking forwards.
It's not easy, not easy at all. I think there is a big part of me that's still very afraid of looking forwards, and sometimes even ashamed of looking forwards. I hold myself back with fear and shame.
I've had weeks now of horrible nausea, debilitating tiredness and mixed in with grief it's like struggling everyday through treacle.
This morning after another restless night I was sat on my bed feeling just miserable, wondering how to get through another day, when I just thought "enough".
This little baby growing inside me deserves to be enjoyed. I can carry on this pregnancy terrified and thinking the worst, planning outfits for a burial and names that will look nice on a gravestone, and in the process making myself even more miserable or I can pick up on the hope I must've had to even consider getting pregnant again and enjoy, as far as is possible the life that is growing inside me.
OK, that all sounds simple enough, of course it isn't as many of my readers know only too well, but I'm going to try, and that's what's important isn't it?
I'm off to a good start, I've been busy today, cleaning, reorganising, and sewing! I fixed a pair of maternity jeans, trimmed a plain tunic with some pretty ribbon and made two maternity skirts.
It's a start.
(the instructions for the maternity skirts are available as a PDF over there on the left of the screen.)
Today Florence would have been six months old, half a year. She'd probably be sitting up, maybe even sharing my lunch. We might even have braved the rain to go on the swings at the park.
Six months ago, I didn't think I could make it through the next six minutes, nevermind the next six months. Yet, here I am.
Today is also the day I am twelve weeks pregnant. The "safe" time every pregnant woman aims for...well except maybe those of us who sadly know better.
I have so much to miss and so much to hope for, and thank you to two special people a house full of flowers.
Thank you Julie, the rainbow roses arrived this morning, and the tulips are still hanging on in that beautiful tulip way.
Oriana, the bulbs are all lovely, I can't wait to take some to Florence, they are going to look so pretty.
Yesterday I had my booking in appointment with one of the lovely midwives I know. All was well, and the masses of form filling wasn't too upsetting, even when there wasn't a tick box for Florence's cause of death so we had to tick Sudden Unexplained Infant Death
I hadn't been worried about the appointment, I know my midwives well, and trust them.
I obviously underestimated my feelings though, because on my way home from school with the littlies, I suddenly started to feel a little dizzy, confused and well kinda panicky. I made it home, sat down and phoned Woody who headed home straight away.
India made me some toast, said she'd watch the little ones and I went to lie down, but was very confused and befuddled and crying.
Somewhere in all that confusion though I realised all I'd had to drink all day was a couple of sips of black weak tea at my friends house in the morning. I was clearly dehydrated and suffering for it.
I still feel a little weird today,but I'm trying hard to drink more, which for some reason, with this nausea is harder than eating.
You know, just when I think I might be coping ok, I realise I'm not...except I am.
Oh, and can you believe that the reason my midwife has me down for "shared care" is because this is my sixth baby and not because Florence died?
I hadn't been worried about the appointment, I know my midwives well, and trust them.
I obviously underestimated my feelings though, because on my way home from school with the littlies, I suddenly started to feel a little dizzy, confused and well kinda panicky. I made it home, sat down and phoned Woody who headed home straight away.
India made me some toast, said she'd watch the little ones and I went to lie down, but was very confused and befuddled and crying.
Somewhere in all that confusion though I realised all I'd had to drink all day was a couple of sips of black weak tea at my friends house in the morning. I was clearly dehydrated and suffering for it.
I still feel a little weird today,but I'm trying hard to drink more, which for some reason, with this nausea is harder than eating.
You know, just when I think I might be coping ok, I realise I'm not...except I am.
Oh, and can you believe that the reason my midwife has me down for "shared care" is because this is my sixth baby and not because Florence died?
Much to my surprise I received this Sunshine Blog Award from Skippedydoodah
and I'd just like to say thank you. There's not much sunshine here,but I'm glad to receive the award just the same.
Now, the bit I hate is that I'm meant to nominate 12 other bloggers for the same award, and while there are plenty of blogs out there that do bring sunshine into my life every day, I always feel a little strange picking them out and talking about them. I don't know why I do, it's silly really,but I'm going to just quietly list some of my fave blogs, and hope they'll be happy to be nominated.
Slugs On The Refridgerator A beautiful, tender, loving blog of a crafty Mummy who loves her family.
Sooziebee I love to pop in on this blog to see her drawings, especially at the moment when she's experimenting with drawing, all very interesting.
Motherland Not a prolific blogger, but when she writes it's worth reading.
Red Fish Circle I love Amy's style, I love her work, and her insight into the beautiful things around her. She has a calm artistic manner I admire.
Eeek, that's only four, let me think on this some more.....
The little princess sleeps.
She is delicate, porcelain.
Rosy cheeks,
Icy fingers.
Tiny toes wrapped in cashmere.
Silver grey bonnet worn like a pixie.
The dove from her gown takes flight.
The king and queen stand by.
The candlelight flickers.
Hand in hand.
Despair.
***
Sometimes it seems Florence is a character in a fairy tale. The beautiful perfect little girl with the prettiest name. She belongs in a land of magic, of dragons, and goblins and fairies dancing in the flowers.A land with happy endings.
The truth is far more brutal, stark and terrifying.
She is delicate, porcelain.
Rosy cheeks,
Icy fingers.
Tiny toes wrapped in cashmere.
Silver grey bonnet worn like a pixie.
The dove from her gown takes flight.
The king and queen stand by.
The candlelight flickers.
Hand in hand.
Despair.
***
Sometimes it seems Florence is a character in a fairy tale. The beautiful perfect little girl with the prettiest name. She belongs in a land of magic, of dragons, and goblins and fairies dancing in the flowers.A land with happy endings.
The truth is far more brutal, stark and terrifying.
 |
| From still life 365 |
You might have noticed this little button over to the left of the page,but just incase you haven't I'm drawing your attention to it now. Still Life 365 is the brainchild of Angie.(Still Life With Circles). It's an art blog where bereaved parents can share their creations, poems, writing, painting,crafts,etc.
Angie explains it better than me:
still life 365 is a unique art project for, about and by mothers and fathers who have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death. still life 365 posts a piece of art every day by a poet, artist, photographer, crafter, musician, collagist, paper artist, filmmaker, painter, sculptor, fabric artist and ordinary person exploring grief through creativity. each piece is an expression of grief, survival, sadness, love and hope. still life 365 is intended to be a safe space for creative expression
If you click through today you'll see my submission, Florence's dress.
I'm slowly slowly starting to see some light after a bloomin tough week.
Monday was back to routine, we hobbled along to school on the icy pavements, through the grey slush and the dog poop, with the biting cold wind on our faces.
No sooner had I got home than I was called out again to collect one very upset Eden. I brought her home, and we talked and we cried and we figured some stuff out. I think she's ok now...well y'know, she's grieving,but she's ok.
India has been spoiling for a fight since she learned of the rainbow baby. This is her way, it's hard. She's trying to process everything, but she's almost 14 and just being almost 14 is hard enough.
I did wonder the other evening if I could really do this? I'm trying to be a good mother to my living children, my dead child and my growing bean. How do I do all of that when I'm still dealing with flashbacks, nightmares, insomnia, and oh yes not to forget the morning sickness?
And how do I be a good wife? I don't talk about Woody's grief here, that's his to talk about or not, as he chooses. Like me, he's doing ok, that doesn't mean he is ok.
Like I said, it's been a tough week.
Monday was back to routine, we hobbled along to school on the icy pavements, through the grey slush and the dog poop, with the biting cold wind on our faces.
No sooner had I got home than I was called out again to collect one very upset Eden. I brought her home, and we talked and we cried and we figured some stuff out. I think she's ok now...well y'know, she's grieving,but she's ok.
India has been spoiling for a fight since she learned of the rainbow baby. This is her way, it's hard. She's trying to process everything, but she's almost 14 and just being almost 14 is hard enough.
I did wonder the other evening if I could really do this? I'm trying to be a good mother to my living children, my dead child and my growing bean. How do I do all of that when I'm still dealing with flashbacks, nightmares, insomnia, and oh yes not to forget the morning sickness?
And how do I be a good wife? I don't talk about Woody's grief here, that's his to talk about or not, as he chooses. Like me, he's doing ok, that doesn't mean he is ok.
Like I said, it's been a tough week.
This pregnancy is running two weeks behind Florence's, so I often find myself comparing the two. I guess I would've done that whenever we'd got pregnant again,but it seems more poignant at times.
Yesterday was Eden's birthday, and just like last year she asked to go to Pizza Express for her birthday dinner. Just like last year, we had the same table, I had nausea and ordered the most boring pizza I knew I could stomach.
Last year I sat there thinking that this year we'd have a baby at the table too. This year I sat and hoped we'd have a baby there next year.
Our waitress was blooming in pregnancy, and I envied her.
After confirming this pregnancy with a home test at 3am one Friday night eight or so weeks ago, I lay awake in bed making a mental list of everything I knew of that could go wrong in the next nine months, and believe me, when you read as many babyloss blogs as I do, that list is very very long.
I'm trying hard to take each day at a time. Florence's peadiatrician asked how many weeks I would be when the inquest date arrives, and I had no idea, I just hadn't considered that far ahead, and I still haven't.
Yesterday was Eden's birthday, and just like last year she asked to go to Pizza Express for her birthday dinner. Just like last year, we had the same table, I had nausea and ordered the most boring pizza I knew I could stomach.
Last year I sat there thinking that this year we'd have a baby at the table too. This year I sat and hoped we'd have a baby there next year.
Our waitress was blooming in pregnancy, and I envied her.
After confirming this pregnancy with a home test at 3am one Friday night eight or so weeks ago, I lay awake in bed making a mental list of everything I knew of that could go wrong in the next nine months, and believe me, when you read as many babyloss blogs as I do, that list is very very long.
I'm trying hard to take each day at a time. Florence's peadiatrician asked how many weeks I would be when the inquest date arrives, and I had no idea, I just hadn't considered that far ahead, and I still haven't.
Today I felt happiness, real proper happiness, it surprised me,I didn't know it was possible.
I've been grasping tightly to some news over the past few weeks, struggling with the chaos of emotions, the nightmares, the worry.
I've compossed this post a million times in my head, not knowing what the outcome would be, and not knowing how I would feel writing this down.
All those imagined compositions are gone, because all I can tell you today is that I felt joy, simple joy, I didn't know I could.
Now I'm holding tight to the joy, and hoping, hoping, hoping.
I've been grasping tightly to some news over the past few weeks, struggling with the chaos of emotions, the nightmares, the worry.
I've compossed this post a million times in my head, not knowing what the outcome would be, and not knowing how I would feel writing this down.
All those imagined compositions are gone, because all I can tell you today is that I felt joy, simple joy, I didn't know I could.
Now I'm holding tight to the joy, and hoping, hoping, hoping.
I've lived in Manchester now for over twenty years, and I can only ever remember it snowing this much one year way back when I was a student, maybe 1989?
The children are all off school due to a combination of snow bound teachers and broken school boilers.
The snow might look pretty, but there is a thick layer of ice just under the surface and it's not safe to go out. I'm certainly not brave enough to drive in this, and anyway Woody has taken my car to work because it's warmer than his.
Florence's grave is covered in a thick layer of ice and snow, flowers are dying in less than a day, and really I was quite sad on Sunday to see her grave looking so grey and empty. Sid cried because the snow globe he chose for her had cracked in the frost.
All in all, this constant snow just adds to my feelings of limbo right now. I have a tiny shiny glimmer of hope trying to tickle it's way out,but the heavy cold limbo is forcing it back down.
Come on Spring! We need you!
Florence's Year
When I was lying awake at 3am this morning, I tried to compose a post for this blog. I wanted to explain to my readers and commentors just how much you all mean to me...gosh that sounds so soppy and crap! I know some people just don't get the whole online support thing, and I know some people might consider my ramblings on here as "wallowing", and hey they are entitled to their opinions.
This blog hasn't turned out the way I planned, but then neither has life.
I just want to say thank you, to everyone who cares, I know you do, and I'm glad.
Keeping a blog that's read by friends and family is hard, I'm careful about what I say, I wouldn't ever want to hurt anyone, but if I ever have unintentionally, for that I'm truly sorry.
When I was lying awake at 3am this morning, I tried to compose a post for this blog. I wanted to explain to my readers and commentors just how much you all mean to me...gosh that sounds so soppy and crap! I know some people just don't get the whole online support thing, and I know some people might consider my ramblings on here as "wallowing", and hey they are entitled to their opinions.
This blog hasn't turned out the way I planned, but then neither has life.
I just want to say thank you, to everyone who cares, I know you do, and I'm glad.
Keeping a blog that's read by friends and family is hard, I'm careful about what I say, I wouldn't ever want to hurt anyone, but if I ever have unintentionally, for that I'm truly sorry.
Yesterday was hard, last night was harder still. Honestly I'm struggling right now.
The decorations came down this morning, and I'm trying hard to look forward. It's difficult.
Sometimes, it's hard to say the right thing to me, sometimes I'm an awkward bugger and nothing you say or don't say will be right. I'm grieving, and pretty much reserve the right to sometimes be awkward, and possibly a bitch.
Sometimes, people I love and who I know love me say the "wrong" thing and I don't mind one bit, because I know their heart is good.
Mostly, I'm blessed to have a life full of wonderful friends who are truly supportive.
Christmas though means that on occasion I've been out of my comfort zone, of home, my family, my closest friends, and "out there" with extended family and family friends, all of whom I know do have a heart, and probably do care,but for whatever reason choose to ignore my beautiful daughter, choose to not say her name. Maybe they are afraid I will cry.
There is the odd stroke of my arm and a meaningful "how are you ?" and I appreciate that, but it cuts me like a knife when Florence is glossed over, ignored, forgotten.
I guess by next Christmas she'll be nothing more than a footnote.
Sometimes, people I love and who I know love me say the "wrong" thing and I don't mind one bit, because I know their heart is good.
Mostly, I'm blessed to have a life full of wonderful friends who are truly supportive.
Christmas though means that on occasion I've been out of my comfort zone, of home, my family, my closest friends, and "out there" with extended family and family friends, all of whom I know do have a heart, and probably do care,but for whatever reason choose to ignore my beautiful daughter, choose to not say her name. Maybe they are afraid I will cry.
There is the odd stroke of my arm and a meaningful "how are you ?" and I appreciate that, but it cuts me like a knife when Florence is glossed over, ignored, forgotten.
I guess by next Christmas she'll be nothing more than a footnote.
I can hear the rain outside, I haven't looked out of the window yet,but I imagine the rain has washed away most of the snow by now.
Christmas is done.I'm glad.
The decorations will stay up until New Years day,but that's it Christmas 2009 is over.
You know, actually it wasn't that bad,it wasn't that different to our usual Christmas'. The kids got up early, we opened presents, we ate too much chocolate.
The only difference was the visit to the cemetery in the morning. We took Florence a helium filled Christmas balloon, some roses, and some decorated gingerbread biscuits.(for the birds). We had to use a flask of hot water to defrost her headstone, and to release the frozen roses from their vase,it was cold and snowy. I tried not to worry that Florence was cold under the snow, I always remind myself that she was buried in cashmere booties to keep her toes cosy.
The cemetery was the busiest I've ever seen it. I'm rarely there alone, but on Christmas day there was even difficulty parking, there was almost a party atmosphere. I found it really touching to see so many people visiting their loved ones. Yes, some were red eyed from crying,but some were smiling, and some even having the odd snowball fight.
I rarely cry at Florence's graveside,but the tears were stinging my eyes, and I found it harder to leave than usual. I just wished she could come home with us,to the warm.
Christmas evening we lit a paper lantern for Florence, the children watched from an upstairs window, Woody and I from the garden, we could see it's light floating waaay off into the distance for longer than we imagined we would.Christmas wishes and kisses for our much loved and much missed baby girl.
Christmas is done.I'm glad.
The decorations will stay up until New Years day,but that's it Christmas 2009 is over.
You know, actually it wasn't that bad,it wasn't that different to our usual Christmas'. The kids got up early, we opened presents, we ate too much chocolate.
The only difference was the visit to the cemetery in the morning. We took Florence a helium filled Christmas balloon, some roses, and some decorated gingerbread biscuits.(for the birds). We had to use a flask of hot water to defrost her headstone, and to release the frozen roses from their vase,it was cold and snowy. I tried not to worry that Florence was cold under the snow, I always remind myself that she was buried in cashmere booties to keep her toes cosy.
The cemetery was the busiest I've ever seen it. I'm rarely there alone, but on Christmas day there was even difficulty parking, there was almost a party atmosphere. I found it really touching to see so many people visiting their loved ones. Yes, some were red eyed from crying,but some were smiling, and some even having the odd snowball fight.
I rarely cry at Florence's graveside,but the tears were stinging my eyes, and I found it harder to leave than usual. I just wished she could come home with us,to the warm.
Christmas evening we lit a paper lantern for Florence, the children watched from an upstairs window, Woody and I from the garden, we could see it's light floating waaay off into the distance for longer than we imagined we would.Christmas wishes and kisses for our much loved and much missed baby girl.
For Florence, we miss you sweetheart.x
I don't believe in fate, I don't believe things "happen for a reason", maybe I did once.I'm not at all offended by those that do, but for me to believe in fate or in reasons would imply divine intervention, and I definitely don't believe in that.
I guess I believe the universe exists in all it's randomness, and complexity and chaos, and we are just part of it. (And I know for many many people that's exactly why they do believe in divinity.)
Florence, like all of us came into being from two tiny cells, to paraphrase her paediatrician,it's really amazing that the creation of human life goes as well as it does so often.
What I do know is that Florence was loved for the 40 weeks and 3 days she was in my womb, for the 6 hours she lived, for the forgotten number of hours we held and cared for her body, and for always and forever. She is our fifth child, and our children's little sister, and always a part of our family. Always missed. Always loved.
I accept that she is gone, I don't understand it, and I will always wish it otherwise. I will always ache to hold her, and I continue to cry every day.
The post mortem didn't give us the answers we perhaps hoped for,but it did give us some answers, and threw up more questions, I'm not certain they ever do otherwise?
As, I often do, I'm rambling on, making little sense, and most probably confusing those I love who read this blog. I'm sorry.
I'm also so thankful, thankful for all the kind and thoughtful comments left on my last post, for all the emails and phone calls, and for all the love that has come this way over the past five months. You are all wonderful.
Today we are baking Christmas cookies to take to Florence, where they will feed the birds, unless the local foxes get them first!
I guess I believe the universe exists in all it's randomness, and complexity and chaos, and we are just part of it. (And I know for many many people that's exactly why they do believe in divinity.)
Florence, like all of us came into being from two tiny cells, to paraphrase her paediatrician,it's really amazing that the creation of human life goes as well as it does so often.
What I do know is that Florence was loved for the 40 weeks and 3 days she was in my womb, for the 6 hours she lived, for the forgotten number of hours we held and cared for her body, and for always and forever. She is our fifth child, and our children's little sister, and always a part of our family. Always missed. Always loved.
I accept that she is gone, I don't understand it, and I will always wish it otherwise. I will always ache to hold her, and I continue to cry every day.
The post mortem didn't give us the answers we perhaps hoped for,but it did give us some answers, and threw up more questions, I'm not certain they ever do otherwise?
As, I often do, I'm rambling on, making little sense, and most probably confusing those I love who read this blog. I'm sorry.
I'm also so thankful, thankful for all the kind and thoughtful comments left on my last post, for all the emails and phone calls, and for all the love that has come this way over the past five months. You are all wonderful.
Today we are baking Christmas cookies to take to Florence, where they will feed the birds, unless the local foxes get them first!
Forgive me for the brutal title, but that's it. The cause of death, Massive Pulmonary Haemorrhage.
We don't know why, and never will. There was no evidence of any infection or anything else for that matter. Her heart,brain,everything were perfectly normal. There was some evidence of damage due to being ressusitated for five hours,but nothing more.
She was our beautiful girl, and then she died. Life is random. (and sometimes shit.)
We don't know why, and never will. There was no evidence of any infection or anything else for that matter. Her heart,brain,everything were perfectly normal. There was some evidence of damage due to being ressusitated for five hours,but nothing more.
She was our beautiful girl, and then she died. Life is random. (and sometimes shit.)
Florence would be five months old today. Old enough to enjoy the twinkly Christmas lights, and old enough to have fun with wrapping paper, maybe not quite old enough to enjoy the snow.
Instead the snow covers her grave, a thick blanket of frozen snow, and I'm wondering what I can take to her on Christmas day? A poinsettia? Maybe a Christmas wreath? Balloons? What do you buy your dead baby for Christmas?
I've decorated the house, made her a stocking, and put up the lovely ornaments bought in her memory by thoughtful friends.
I could feel the tears welling up in church yesterday. The end of term carol service for my littlies. Songs and stories about birth and a little baby.
Today we go to the hospital to hear the post mortem results for our baby.
I'm so scared,last night I dreamed the results simply said "Mother's Fault".
I'm so scared, and so sad,and right now all I can do is shuffle through the days and hope my living children have a good Christmas,and we'll all remember Florence, miss her horribly and wish she was here.
Instead the snow covers her grave, a thick blanket of frozen snow, and I'm wondering what I can take to her on Christmas day? A poinsettia? Maybe a Christmas wreath? Balloons? What do you buy your dead baby for Christmas?
I've decorated the house, made her a stocking, and put up the lovely ornaments bought in her memory by thoughtful friends.
I could feel the tears welling up in church yesterday. The end of term carol service for my littlies. Songs and stories about birth and a little baby.
Today we go to the hospital to hear the post mortem results for our baby.
I'm so scared,last night I dreamed the results simply said "Mother's Fault".
I'm so scared, and so sad,and right now all I can do is shuffle through the days and hope my living children have a good Christmas,and we'll all remember Florence, miss her horribly and wish she was here.
Just got home to the post (which was very late), and a letter from Florence's peadiatrician to say she has her post mortem results, and would we like to make an appt to go over them? Of course, there's no one in her office now, and it's the Friday before Christmas, so at the very least I'll be waiting the weekend before I can speak to her.
I want to know what happened to all the promises from the SUDIC team corroner that we'd be the first to know as soon as the results were through? She promised to deliver the pm results as soon as they were released, in person.
My tummy is flipping over knowing that the results are there, and I don't know them.
She's my baby I should know them!
ETA, I've just noticed the letter is dated 10th December, she's had the results for at least 8 days, f'ing post!
I want to know what happened to all the promises from the SUDIC team corroner that we'd be the first to know as soon as the results were through? She promised to deliver the pm results as soon as they were released, in person.
My tummy is flipping over knowing that the results are there, and I don't know them.
She's my baby I should know them!
ETA, I've just noticed the letter is dated 10th December, she's had the results for at least 8 days, f'ing post!
My first attempt at Christmas shopping one day last week was a disaster. I managed one shop before the world started to spin, the tears were stinging my eyes and I had to find fresh air and somewhere to sit down very quickly. All I bought were two tiny frames to hold pictures of Florence, then I caught the bus home and spent the rest of the day crying.
Thankfully most of the Christmas shopping was done online over a month ago,I just needed a few stocking fillers, and I thought I could cope with that, clearly not.
Today though, Woody persuaded me to go into work with him. He's working in Chester part of the week, so I could get a lift in with him, go shopping, then meet him for lunch before coming home. I was nervous,but I was ok. I think exploring an unfamiliar, and very pretty town helped to keep my mind active. I managed to get a few nice gifts and I only almost cried a few times, mostly when I saw cute little gifts I so would've wanted to buy for Florence.
I'd see something, look at it, pick it up, and wonder "should I buy it anyway?" but then realising that no, no I shouldn't.
I walked past a beautiful little boutique selling the kind of baby clothes and toys I love. I stopped, I looked, I fought back the tears and looked about me guiltily wondering who had seen me looking, and if they knew...
I didn't go in.
I was glad to see my lovely Woody walking along the canal to meet me at lunch time.
...
...
Last night I hesitantly watched a tv programme called "Out Of My Depth" It was about an actress being trained to become a midwife. I was ready to switch it off if I couldn't handle it,but I surprised myself. Sometimes I can cope with the obvious stuff, it's the unexpected that can send me into a tail spin.
During the programme, the midwives did touch on the subject of loss, and I was glad they did, even if I found the resus demo on the doll a little uncomfortable. Two nurses took it in turns to breath for Florence that way, for five whole hours.
The thing that really hit me though was when a screaming newborn was placed into his mother's arms. He was crying that delicious newborn cry, that "oh my goodness, what's this? Air, rushing into my lungs, cold skin, touch, light" cry, and I realised Florence didn't do that. She cried a little,but mostly she mewed, and then she whimpered.
I'd forgotten that healthy babies cry (usually), healthy babies are pink.
I had four healthy screaming babies before Florence,but since her, all I can think of is how she struggled, and then how still she was in my arms. She looked like she was sleeping, smiling even, but she wasn't.
I've lost faith in birth, in my body, in life .
Thankfully most of the Christmas shopping was done online over a month ago,I just needed a few stocking fillers, and I thought I could cope with that, clearly not.
Today though, Woody persuaded me to go into work with him. He's working in Chester part of the week, so I could get a lift in with him, go shopping, then meet him for lunch before coming home. I was nervous,but I was ok. I think exploring an unfamiliar, and very pretty town helped to keep my mind active. I managed to get a few nice gifts and I only almost cried a few times, mostly when I saw cute little gifts I so would've wanted to buy for Florence.
I'd see something, look at it, pick it up, and wonder "should I buy it anyway?" but then realising that no, no I shouldn't.
I walked past a beautiful little boutique selling the kind of baby clothes and toys I love. I stopped, I looked, I fought back the tears and looked about me guiltily wondering who had seen me looking, and if they knew...
I didn't go in.
I was glad to see my lovely Woody walking along the canal to meet me at lunch time.
...
...
Last night I hesitantly watched a tv programme called "Out Of My Depth" It was about an actress being trained to become a midwife. I was ready to switch it off if I couldn't handle it,but I surprised myself. Sometimes I can cope with the obvious stuff, it's the unexpected that can send me into a tail spin.
During the programme, the midwives did touch on the subject of loss, and I was glad they did, even if I found the resus demo on the doll a little uncomfortable. Two nurses took it in turns to breath for Florence that way, for five whole hours.
The thing that really hit me though was when a screaming newborn was placed into his mother's arms. He was crying that delicious newborn cry, that "oh my goodness, what's this? Air, rushing into my lungs, cold skin, touch, light" cry, and I realised Florence didn't do that. She cried a little,but mostly she mewed, and then she whimpered.
I'd forgotten that healthy babies cry (usually), healthy babies are pink.
I had four healthy screaming babies before Florence,but since her, all I can think of is how she struggled, and then how still she was in my arms. She looked like she was sleeping, smiling even, but she wasn't.
I've lost faith in birth, in my body, in life .
Woody and I met with the consultant Obstetrician this afternoon. He seemed like a really nice guy,very understanding. He couldn't really tell us anything more than the consultant paediatrician we saw a few weeks ago,but he is going to try and use his influence to get the post mortem results released for us. We are really hoping he can.
I came across this information on A Sucker For Gerberas blog.It seems due to the changing of some wording on several NICE guidelines publications that parents may in future be denied the chance to hold, see and spend time with their babies after they have either been still born or died after birth.
This horrifies me. I can not imagine not being able to hold Florence as she died, or not being able to dress her, cuddle her, walk with her, just be with her for those precious hours. I know Woody feels the same way, and I know it helped the children to be able to hold her, and have photos taken with her. To be denied that doesn't bare thinking about.
See here for more details, and please consider signing this petition in the hope of NICE changing the wording.
Thank you.
This horrifies me. I can not imagine not being able to hold Florence as she died, or not being able to dress her, cuddle her, walk with her, just be with her for those precious hours. I know Woody feels the same way, and I know it helped the children to be able to hold her, and have photos taken with her. To be denied that doesn't bare thinking about.
See here for more details, and please consider signing this petition in the hope of NICE changing the wording.
Thank you.
I've written and deleted so many posts on this subject,but I'm lost. I just can't articulate what it is I feel each time I receive a message, a letter an email or like today this beautiful watercolour, from Ann Marie.
I'm overwhelmed by the kindness of people, by how much Florence has touched their lives, and I'm so thankful to know so many wonderful people hold my family in their hearts.
But in the words of my good friend Jacqui's Grandfather, "People Are Good".
Still waiting to hear news about the post mortem, but I've been told that although the results are through, they may not be released until the inquest, which isn't until February!
Also been reading about Group B Strep, and it seems there is a possibility that this may have been the cause of Florence's death. I'm talking to an obstetrician on Thursday to find out more,but something as simple as GBS, which is routinely screened for in many other countries may have been what killed my baby.
Of course, we know nothing until the post mortem results are released, and even then there is a possibility of them being "inconclusive".
The huge amounts of antibiotics Florence was given on admittance to hospital means if she did die from an "overwhelming infection" we'll probably never know which one, as any cultures taken will be clear from the antibiotics.
Woody says I shouldn't be googling all this stuff, and I need to just wait and see,but I can't help it. I need to know they cut my baby open for a reason.Afterall, we had no choice. The post mortem was required by law...and I still don't understand that.
Also been reading about Group B Strep, and it seems there is a possibility that this may have been the cause of Florence's death. I'm talking to an obstetrician on Thursday to find out more,but something as simple as GBS, which is routinely screened for in many other countries may have been what killed my baby.
Of course, we know nothing until the post mortem results are released, and even then there is a possibility of them being "inconclusive".
The huge amounts of antibiotics Florence was given on admittance to hospital means if she did die from an "overwhelming infection" we'll probably never know which one, as any cultures taken will be clear from the antibiotics.
Woody says I shouldn't be googling all this stuff, and I need to just wait and see,but I can't help it. I need to know they cut my baby open for a reason.Afterall, we had no choice. The post mortem was required by law...and I still don't understand that.
To those waiting for their 25 days of giveaways gifts from me. I was so excited about the give aways that I totally forgot I would have to actually post them, and that would mean braving my local post office, which I haven't been in since before Florence was born.
The ladies that work in my local post office are lovely, and over the past seven years or so, I've been a very regular customer with my little online business, but after Florence died I found it too difficult to go in many of my local shops, the post office was no exception.
Anyway, after a week of walking past the wrapped and ready to go parcels in my hall, I finally today plucked up enough courage to face the Christmas queue and post them.
I was nervous, and a bit shakey,but I got the window of one of the lovely ladies I know, and she said she didn't want to say too much,but she wanted me to know how sad everyone was to hear about Florence. I think I said "thank you", I hope I did, I may have just smiled, I'm not sure.
So I did it, faced another fear, and your parcels are all on their way.
....
This morning I was thinking about music, music that reminds me of Florence. I'm not much of a music follower really, something a couple of my friends frequently tease me about. I'm more likely to be found listening to radio 4 than dowloading tunes to my ipod...never downloaded a song in my life and I don't even own an ipod!
I guess I have fairly diverse taste in music when I do listen to it, I like everything from The Velvet Underground, Trex, through to Barry Manilow and Shirley Bassey!
Anyway getting to the point. I narrowed it down to two songs. This one first.
I listened to this a lot once Woody went back to work.We both love this song anyway,but I found in those early days, and actually even now it speaks to me. It describes how I often feel since Florence died.
Then
I think one night not long before Florence was born I woke up and Woody was half watching Glastonbury on the tv, and this was playing. I remember it waking me, and feeling...oh I don't know, something!
Anyway I'm clearly in a waffly mood today, just thought I'd share these with you.
The ladies that work in my local post office are lovely, and over the past seven years or so, I've been a very regular customer with my little online business, but after Florence died I found it too difficult to go in many of my local shops, the post office was no exception.
Anyway, after a week of walking past the wrapped and ready to go parcels in my hall, I finally today plucked up enough courage to face the Christmas queue and post them.
I was nervous, and a bit shakey,but I got the window of one of the lovely ladies I know, and she said she didn't want to say too much,but she wanted me to know how sad everyone was to hear about Florence. I think I said "thank you", I hope I did, I may have just smiled, I'm not sure.
So I did it, faced another fear, and your parcels are all on their way.
....
This morning I was thinking about music, music that reminds me of Florence. I'm not much of a music follower really, something a couple of my friends frequently tease me about. I'm more likely to be found listening to radio 4 than dowloading tunes to my ipod...never downloaded a song in my life and I don't even own an ipod!
I guess I have fairly diverse taste in music when I do listen to it, I like everything from The Velvet Underground, Trex, through to Barry Manilow and Shirley Bassey!
Anyway getting to the point. I narrowed it down to two songs. This one first.
I listened to this a lot once Woody went back to work.We both love this song anyway,but I found in those early days, and actually even now it speaks to me. It describes how I often feel since Florence died.
Then
I think one night not long before Florence was born I woke up and Woody was half watching Glastonbury on the tv, and this was playing. I remember it waking me, and feeling...oh I don't know, something!
Anyway I'm clearly in a waffly mood today, just thought I'd share these with you.
We have a date for the inquest. I'm not holding my breath though, I know how often these things are postponed. What I'm wondering now though is if they've set a date, then the post mortem results should be back ? Of course, it's Saturday so I can't ask anyone.
There is a border in our garden that I've been taking care of over the past few months, and thinking of as Florence's garden, so when my lovely friend Sarah told me she had commissioned a stone in memory of Florence, I knew exactly where I wanted it to go.
Today Sarah brought over the stone and put it in position for me...I'm still impressed by her strength, it is really heavy!
I do think it's lovely, and I especially love the dove which is modelled on the dove applique I used on Florence's burial gown, and on the baby carriers I made while I was pregnant. (amongst other things.)
I know how nervous Sarah was about this gift, but it's lovely, and I'm so thankful.
I'm so touched by all the wonderful things people have done for my family over the past few months. We are truly blessed to have so many thoughtful and caring friends who have sent cards, messages, food, flowers,and most importantly just been there for us.
Thank you to all of you.
I'm just warming up after spending the afternoon in the church watching the infant nativity and then fighting my way home through the driving rain,wind and cold with three grumpy children in tow. I can't feel my toes yet!
This afternoons performance was the second, we all went to watch Sid as "head sheep" last night, and I went alone this afternoon.
I've sat in that church countless times, for nativity's, carol services, school leavers,all the usual stuff you'd expect from a CofE school.
I admit I usually go through a sense of duty and sit numb bummed and bored throughout. Last night though,and more especially today when I sat alone I felt both super proud of my gorgeous little sheep, and sad that I was sitting alone, when I should've had a baby snuggled up and nursing.
My eyes were full of tears,but the smiles and waves from Sid and his little friend stopped me from just spilling those tears.
I watched the little stars in the costumes I made several years ago and I thought of how I'd never get to see Florence wearing one and dancing with the other children.
Christmas is changing for me, and I'm not sure how yet.
This afternoons performance was the second, we all went to watch Sid as "head sheep" last night, and I went alone this afternoon.
I've sat in that church countless times, for nativity's, carol services, school leavers,all the usual stuff you'd expect from a CofE school.
I admit I usually go through a sense of duty and sit numb bummed and bored throughout. Last night though,and more especially today when I sat alone I felt both super proud of my gorgeous little sheep, and sad that I was sitting alone, when I should've had a baby snuggled up and nursing.
My eyes were full of tears,but the smiles and waves from Sid and his little friend stopped me from just spilling those tears.
I watched the little stars in the costumes I made several years ago and I thought of how I'd never get to see Florence wearing one and dancing with the other children.
Christmas is changing for me, and I'm not sure how yet.
I do love a parcel of fabric arriving, and this print has turned out pretty well, wish I'd ordered more now!
The organic cotton interlock is a lovely quality, and suits this print nicely, though actually I think I might order some in quilting weight cotton too.
I'm so pleased with it,I've made it available to buy too. (click on pic below)
These are pretty good too, firstly printed on organic cotton interlock,
And these printed on quilting weight cotton
The advent calendars are up, and I'm sewing decorations. The presents are bought and wrapped. Tonight is the first performance of the infant school nativity.Looks like it's going to be Christmas.
We have been planning ways to include Florence this Christmas. I think that's why I'm not freaking out, at least not yet.
Honestly I'm not at all sure how I feel about the forthcoming celebrations, apart from the obvious.
Today I went back to Slingmeet for the first time in months, and the first time since Florence was born. I knew I had to go back today or I never would. Actually it wasn't too bad. Lots of newbies who don't know my history, and a few regulars who I feel safe with.
I think I may have rambled on a little more than usual when doing demos, I was definately nervous, and I very almost cried on a couple of people,but mostly I coped.
There was one awkward moment chatting to a lovely pregnant lady when I thought the conversation may turn to the dreaded question,but I was rescued by my co leader who was keeping an eye on me.
Maybe I can get through this month if I just keep on keeping on, that's what has worked so far.
We have been planning ways to include Florence this Christmas. I think that's why I'm not freaking out, at least not yet.
Honestly I'm not at all sure how I feel about the forthcoming celebrations, apart from the obvious.
Today I went back to Slingmeet for the first time in months, and the first time since Florence was born. I knew I had to go back today or I never would. Actually it wasn't too bad. Lots of newbies who don't know my history, and a few regulars who I feel safe with.
I think I may have rambled on a little more than usual when doing demos, I was definately nervous, and I very almost cried on a couple of people,but mostly I coped.
There was one awkward moment chatting to a lovely pregnant lady when I thought the conversation may turn to the dreaded question,but I was rescued by my co leader who was keeping an eye on me.
Maybe I can get through this month if I just keep on keeping on, that's what has worked so far.
